Blood Dumpster

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The Hill Person Threw A Party: Get Low

Felix Bush is an enigma. He has lived alone deep in the woods for decades, never bothering to contact anybody. The children are terrified of the crazy old hermit, who is liable to welcome you with a loaded shotgun if you find yourself on his property. Most of the adults, however, don't think about him very often. Out of sight, out of mind. But the old-timers in town, they love to tell a tale or two about old Felix. In fact, if you asked around, you'd find that just about everybody has their own story to tell regarding the old man in the woods.

But what's the truth? People love to gossip, that never changes. And most folks have their own ideas as to why Felix Bush has isolated himself in the backwoods of circa-1930s Tennessee. But nobody knows, for sure. Because the only person left alive who knows the truth isn't telling it.

And then day Felix rode into town on an old wagon, and paid a visit to the local funeral parlor.

Hopefully you've seen the trailer for "Get Low", and know the basic plot of the story. If not, let me break it down for you: Old hermit Felix Bush knows that he's not long for this world, and decides to hold a living wake, of sorts. He wants everybody in town to come to a big party, complete with food and live music, where they can all share their stories of Mr. Bush, and where he may finally share his own story with all of them.

These days, the idea of a living wake is not that uncommon. Many people suffering from terminal illnesses choose to have these "dress rehersals", for a variety of reasons. But over 70 years ago, in the rural American South, this was unheard of. Funerals were for the dead, and the dead alone. But Felix has carried a heavy burden for a very long time, and is determined to exorcise his personal demons before it's too late.

I don't really want to say anymore about the film's story. There's no great 3rd act twist to this tale, so that's not the reason. No, I just don't want to spoil the movie. That's shocking, isn't it? Besides, this film isn't really about the story, at least not for me. No, this film is all about the actors. First-time feature film director Aaron Schneider has surrounded himself with a stellar cast, and they deliver some fantastic performances.

Robert Duvall is amazing as Felix Bush. He just inhabits the role; he never feels like he's "acting". His Felix feels like a real person who has isolated himself from civilization as some sort of penance for his past sins. There's a deep pain written into the lines of his face, and his eyes present a hard facade, barely masking a buried sorrow always threatening to surface.

When Felix finally does take the stage at his "funeral party", his monologue is absolutely enthralling. He punctuates his tale with the occassional sneer of anger, a sharp intake of breath through clenched jaws, and brief moments where he simply finds himself lost in his memories, standing in a heavy silence. It's one of the most amazing acting moments I have seen in a very long time.

And in the auditorium, the entire audience sat in rapt silence. Nobody crunched on their popcorn, or slurped their sodas. For five minutes, absolutely nothing could distract them from the screen. I can't remember the last time I've seen that happen. That's what a legend like Robert Duvall can do.

Bill Murray, playing funeral parlor owner Frank Quinn, is pitch-perfect in his role. In a film dealing with some pretty heavy subject matter, this role, primarily geared toward some much-needed comic relief, could have been a stereotypical disaster. But Murray is the master of subdued, straight-faced humor. He's funnier because he's not playing it over-the-top. He's not manic, and he never winks to the crowd.

This, I've learned from years of watching comedies, is a very rare talent. And it seems to be a natural gift for Bill Murray, who has been putting every other comedic actor to shame on film since "Ghostbusters".

Let's look at his introduction in the film: Quinn comes into work one morning, sits at his desk, and laments to his assistant Buddy (played by Lucas Black) that people seem to be dying everywhere except for his neck of the woods. Everybody dies, so being a funeral director he should never be hurting for work. But the citizens of his small town stubbornly refuse to die.

Now this scene could go several different ways with the dialogue as written. One could choose to be melodramatic, to hang their head and moan, really milking the scene for their own misguided definition of comedy. Or they could play it completely straight. There is very little about the scene's dialogue that is funny, in and of itself. It's all about the delivery.

And Bill Murray knows delivery. He knows exactly how to play this scene, with subtle undertones to his speech, small mannerisms and almost imperceptible facial expressions that all serve to make his performance funny without drawing undue attention to himself. It's fascinating to watch. And nobody does this better than him.

Then we have Sissy Spacek as Mattie Darrow, the woman who used to date Felix many, many years ago. After a family tragedy, she left town and started a family. After her husband died, she returned to her hometown, because it's really the only place she has left that she can call "home". She plays a regular card game with several of the notable men in town, among them Frank Quinn, who clearly carries a torch for her.

Sissy Spacek has the kindest eyes I've ever seen in film. There's this innate quality to them, some kind of eternal innocence that is just magical. She's also pretty versatile, considering her turn as a rather villainous lobbyist in the previous season of HBO's "Big Love". She used her soft, kind eyes as a weapon in her role, disarming her opponents with her warm smile. She was the bright spot in an otherwise disappointing season.

Spacek, unsurprisingly, does a fine job in "Get Low". When she happens across Felix after so long, her youthful enthusiasm returns with her pleasant memories of the man he used to be. But there's pain, as well, because not only was Felix the first man she ever loved, he was also the first man to break her heart. And Felix's haunting secret is tied to Mattie, although she doesn't realize it.

Throw in Lucas Black, a young actor with a long track record, as Buddy. I was first introduced to Black in the late, great series, "American Gothic". He had a natural presence on-screen, and I was a little disappointed with his career trajectory, as of late. Sure, he was good in "Cold Mountain", "Friday Night Lights", and "Jarhead", but those were supporting roles. The only films I've seen where Lucas Black played the lead were "The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift" and "Legion". Neither of these films is really any good, and his performances were lacking.

In "Get Low", I suppose you could call his role a supporting one, although I believe his screentime is equal to Bill Murray's. Frank Quinn tends to keep his distance from Felix, rarely engaging in any substantial conversation with the man, choosing to maintain a more "professional" relationship. Buddy spends time with Felix. He tries to get to know the man, which is incredibly difficult, because Felix isn't the type for chit-chat.

Over time, however, Buddy does manage to get through to Felix, in a way. In the final act, you can see that Felix has grown comfortable with the young man. His body language is more relaxed, and he speaks (just a bit) more liberally. If Felix had more time, one could imagine these two characters becoming close friends.

Lucas Black plays Buddy as a young man doing whatever he can to take care of his new family, even if that means putting up with his eccentric employer. At numerous points in the film, you can see the exasperation on Buddy's face when Frank says or does something he deems inappropriate. Once again, it's subtle; there are no drama queens in this movie. Nobody is out to draw attention to themselves. Black, like all of the other principal actors, lets his character shine through, and doesn't drown in melodramatics.

Last, but certainly not least, is Bill Cobbs. This man has been working seemingly without rest (if you look him up on IMDB) since 1974. He's been in A-list hollywood blockbusters, Z-grade hollywood dreck, hit TV sitcoms and dramas, but he's never gotten his proper due. Most people don't even know who the man is, and I think that's a travesty. He's always good. Let me say that again: He's always good. He's made episodes of "Enterprise" and "Yes, Dear" watchable. That's quite the accomplishment.

Morgan Freeman has the career Bill Cobbs deserves.

In "Get Low", Cobbs plays Reverend Charlie Jackson, Felix's oldest (and only) friend in the world. A skilled carpenter and craftsman, Felix built the chapel where Charlie's congregation gathers every Sunday. Charlie also happens to be the only other soul who knows what secret Felix has been hiding for so long.

When Felix walks into Charlie's chapel for the first time in over thirty years, Charlie embraces his old friend like a brother. But their pleasant reunion doesn't last long; as soon as Felix confides in him, telling Charlie that he doesn't believe he has the strength to tell his story, Charlie admonishes him.

Felix wants Charlie to come to his "funeral party" and tell the story in his stead, but the old preacher refuses. It's simply not his story to tell. It doesn't matter if Charlie tells the entire world what terrible thing happened all those years ago. It won't mean a damned thing unless Felix finds the courage to do it, himself.

Charlie acts as Felix's conscience in the film. He's the little angel on his friend's shoulder, telling him to get right with the world before it's too late. He's at times kind, stern, disapproving and downright angry. But he cares about Felix. That fact is evident with every moment of Bill Cobbs' performance.

Although Charlie isn't introduced in the film until around the halfway mark, he becomes a big presence in the film from that point forward. That was a pleasant surprise, for me. I feared that after the scene Charlie shared with Felix in the chapel, we would simply never see the old preacher again. I'm glad I was proven wrong. Because Bill Cobbs is this film's secret weapon. The film is simply a better one with the presence of Charlie in the second half of the film, and with Cobbs and his natural charisma and likeability.

And of course, the man won't get the recognition he deserves for this role, because it's not as big as Duvall's role, not as meaty. Cobbs doesn't get a big speech in front of a large group of people; he gets an intimate conversation in an old, quiet chapel. Bill Cobbs is just doing what he's been doing for over thirty years. He's a great character actor.

And most character actors, sadly, don't receive their due by the masses until after they've died. Just look at J.T. Walsh. Now that he doesn't pop up in your mid-budget thrillers and character studies, you miss him. We really don't know what we've got until it's gone. Well, not me. I appreciate Bill Cobbs.

Now that I've discussed the performances, what about the rest of the movie? What about all of the other elements that come together to make a motion picture? Director Schneider does a perfectly fine job with his first real movie. He understood the kind of movie he was making. All he had to really do was point the camera at the amazing actors and let them do most of the work. And that's more or less what he does. None of the cinematography really draws your attention, which is a good thing. Remember, this film is really about the actors, anyway.

The original music by Jan Kaczmarek and Jerry Douglas does an admirable job of setting the mood. It maintains the elements of traditional Southern bluegrass music, with no danger of sliding into parody territory. I wouldn't mind owning the soundtrack, honestly. I may just have to go pick that up. The production design is superb, really. No elements of this film's world ever rang false. Overall, it's a solid production.

I would like to mention one scene that I especially enjoyed, before I move on. This is the first real scene of the film, and the moment that eventually drives Felix to return to civilization. It's the middle of the night, and Felix is overcome with pain. He believes he's going to die. So what does he do? He steps outside in the pouring rain, his blanket wrapped around him, clutching an oil lamp. He staggers over to the stable, where he keeps his mule.

Inside, he fills his mule's trough with grain, and finally opens the gate, before sitting down on an old chair, drifting off to sleep, and presumably, death. When he wakes up in the morning, he's surprised that he's still alive. He's even more surprised when he walks outside the stable to see his mule sitting in the dirt, waiting for him.

It's a sequence of sadness, humanity, compassion and humor, all at once. And it's a beautiful thing.

An American. Not the American: The American

So George Clooney's back. And he's great. Is that a surprise? Of course it isn't. Do you want to know what's surprising about "The American"? He manages to be great without relying on the easy-going charm that has served him so well in the past. That's pretty cool, actually. The protagonist of "The American" is not a particularly pleasant fellow.

Don't get me wrong, Dear Imaginary Reader, he can be amicable, even cordial. But his eyes are cold and cruel. Jack (or Edward, depending on who you ask) is an assassin, of sorts. He's clearly been playing this game for a long time. But in the opening moments in the film, Jack's respite in Sweden is broken by violence. We can assume that this is a retaliation of sorts, although it's never made clear.

There are no definitive answers in this film, although it is never hard to follow. If you just sit down and watch the damned movie, you'll never be lost. That's the thing about real life that people find maddening when it's replicated in movies.

"What do you mean I can't be spoonfed every last detail? But how will I know what's going on if you don't carry me in your arms like an exhausted toddler coming down from an ice cream-induced sugar high? Placate me!!!"

I find it maddening that so many people in the world simply won't give a movie a chance because they heard it's "too talky" or "confusing". Where did our attention spans go? I blame the smartphone.

Anyway, after shit goes South in Sweden, Jack calls his employer Pavel, and he's told to lie low in a small Italian village until he is contacted. Jack drives to this quaint little hole in the wall, gets freaked out when everybody realizes that George Clooney has just pulled into town and stares intently at this devastatingly handsome actor, then fucks off up the road to another quaint little hole in the wall before the paparazzi show up.

Taking up temporary residence in rural Italy, Pavel gives Jackie Boy a new job: assemble a specialized weapon for an attractive, mysterious woman named Mathilde, because she desperately wants to kill somebody in style. Jack reluctantly agrees to do this One. Last. Job.

Jack also starts banging a gorgeous prostitute named Clara, who has absolutely no objections to getting nude early and often. On top of that, Jack befriends an old priest who had a penchant for breaking his vow of chastity in the old days. Jack's a popular guy.

In between numerous scenes of Jack working out, Jack building Omega Gun, Jack fucking Clara, Jack eating dinner with the priest, Jack walking with the priest in a graveyard, and more idyllic picnics than you can shake a loaded .44 magnum at, some Swedish pricks track down Jack because they missed their chance to get killed back home.

Our boy Jack eventually realizes two things: that sweet, nude Clara has thawed his icy heart, and that his boss Pavel wants him dead. Uh oh. What's a love-struck assassin to do?

I guess that's the plot for "The American". It's very European, if that means anything. A lot of people turn their noses up when they hear that word in regards to cinema. Fucking pretentious Europeans. Well I say Fuck You. There's nothing wrong with a slow burn movie. Doesn't anybody remember "The Conversation"? That movie's a masterpiece, and it's a real slow burn. There's nothing wrong with a movie taking its own time to get to its destination.

I loved "The American". My mother, who saw it with me, did not. She saw the ads on TV and thought that the movie would be some kind of action-packed extravaganza. When she was confronted with a quieter film that focused more on character and mood, she turned on it. "That kinda sucked", she told me as we left the auditorium. I have a feeling most of the people leaving the auditorium were saying similar things to each other.

A middle-aged couple sitting in front of us were a source of annoyance. The husband was clearly confused by everything he was seeing. The wife essentially narrated the entire film to him in a throaty whisper. Every time she explained to him what had just happened, she would stare at her husband and nod her head in a satisfied manner. Of course, near the climax of the film, she loudly sighed and declared "this fucking movie is boring", before she turned her attention back to her neglected tub of popcorn.

Clooney is a tightly wound machine in this film. Until Clara comes along and waves her amazing breasts in his face, his countenance is dominated by his icy, calculating gaze. He doesn't really do anything for fun, aside from fucking prostitutes, so he spends most of his free time working out and pretending to read books about butterflies. He doesn't have a life, as such. He's just existing.

When he finds something to live for, he relaxes a bit. It's a little like he's a very reserved child who's found a new toy he likes to play with. He still keeps up his stoic facade, but the cracks are showing. Like I said earlier, this is a noteworthy performance because Clooney doesn't rely on his usual tricks to charm the audience. He never cracks that signature sly smile that we all know and love. He's an incomplete person in this movie, and only in the last act does he start to coalesce as an individual.

Violante Placido plays the beautiful woman of loose virtue, Clara. She's so... so... nude. Oh, and she has an amazing body. She's also a decent actress, and she has a cute accent. You can see why this is the girl that gets to Jack. It's also refreshing that when Jack and Clara actually start seeing each other outside of the brothel, her profession is never a problem for him. He's a hired killer, he could give less than a shit about Clara's chosen vocation.

The only real issue I have with "The American" lies in the ending. I'm not going to tell you how it ends. That seems to be the theme of the day, even though I am typing this in the dead of night. Sometimes I just don't feel like spoiling shit. Anyway, my problem doesn't lie with the ending, itself. It's with the way the ending is presented, notably in the final shot. This shot showcases a lone, computer-generated butterfly taking wing, gently fluttering into the sky over a tragic scene. It's too on-the-nose. A small disappointment, though.

I was pleased to see "The American" open at #1 during its first weekend of release. I suppose those trailers fooled a lot of people like my mother.

The Last Temptation Of Opie

It was recently announced that Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsmith are developing a movie franchise/TV series hybrid of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series for Universal Pictures and NBC. My cousin Ky and myself both love the story of gunslinger Roland and his quest to destroy the Crimson King.

And I speak for both of when I say this is the worst idea I have heard since New Coke.

I'll ramble about "Machete" soon. And probably the latest "Resident Evil" flick, too. We'll see.

Sea, Sex & Blood!

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Cinematic Thunderdome, Part Two: The Anniversary

"Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" is the best movie I've seen this year.

If that's all you wanted to know, Dear Imaginary Reader, then you can navigate away from this page, right now. I'm sure you can find a more constructive means of wasting your time then reading my inane ramblings. But if you're really bored, then join me on a delightfully boring journey into the heart of Hyperbole Town.

I Demand An Inexcusably-Long Plot Summary!

Scott Pilgrim is 23 years old. He lives in Toronto. He's the bass player in a band called Sex Bob-Omb, along with lead guitarist/singer Stephen Stills and drummer/ex-girlfriend Kim Pine. Along for the ride is Young Neill, the band's biggest fan and auxilliary bass player. He's dating a 17 year-old girl named Knives Chau, and she just loves Scott. She's very happy with her relationship. Scott keeps her around because she's a doormat who makes him feel special. He's kind of a dick.

Scott lives with Wallace Wells, and they share a bed. They're not gay. Only Wallace is gay. Scott just doesn't want to sleep on the floor. Scott meets a beautiful young woman in his dreams, and is shocked to discover that this same woman exists in the real world. Her name is Ramona Flowers, and Scott immediately falls head-over-heels in love with her. As he attempts to ooze his way into her life, he neglects to tell poor Knives about any of this.

As I said, he's kind of a dick.

Scott and Ramona start dating. Scott just loves Ramona. Ramona seems to gravitate toward Scott because he's safe, and makes her feel special. Despite his unresolved issues with Knives, Scott is very happy with his blossoming relationship with Ramona. Until he realizes that her Seven Evil Exes are all coming for Scott Pilgrim, and they all want his blood.

Evil Ex #1: Matthew Patel

Sex Bob-Omb is competing in a battle of the bands against a very angry group called Crash And The Boys. Knives and Ramona are both in attendance. Neither girl knows that they are both dating Scott (dick!). The party is crashed by our first evil ex: Matt Patel, who briefly dated Ramona back in high school, and has been obsessed with her, ever since.

After a brief Bollywood-style dance number in which Crash And The Boys are incinerated, the first boss battle begins. At first clueless as to exactly why he is being forced to fight Patel, Scott quickly proves that he has some serious skills and defeats his opponent, rendering the evil ex into a small pile of loose change.

After the fight's conclusion, Ramona levels with Scott, telling him that if he wants to date her, he will have to defeat seven of her former lovers, a.k.a. The League Of Evil Exes. Scott is concerned, but after he makes out with Ramona he's surprisingly okay with the situation. Poor Knives, who fainted earlier, wakes up at the now-deserted club, all alone (dick!).

Evil Ex #2: Lucas Lee

Wallace has a crush on Hollywood action movie icon Lucas Lee. Lucas Lee happens to be shooting a new movie in Toronto. He drags Scott along to the set for the opportunity to meet this amazing actor. Holy cow, Scott finds out that Lucas Lee is Ramona's second evil ex when he picks the young lad up and tosses him into a castle. Not a good start.

Quickly recovering from this embarassing interlude, Scott finds himself engaged in mortal combat with Mr. Lee's clone-ish stunt doubles. Knowing that he probably can't defeat Lee in hand-to-hand combat, Scott uses his noggin and tricks the super-powerful yet narcissistic Lucas Lee into performing a death-defying skateboard stunt by questioning his manhood. Lee wipes out, blows the fuck up, and scatters into coins on the snowy streets of Toronto.

Evil Ex #3: Todd Ingram

Todd Ingram used to date Ramona. He's also the bass player for the hot new band The Clash At Demonhead, and they're performing in town. The band's singer, Envy Adams, who is currently dating Todd, used to date Scott before her band blew up. Then she dumped him like a bad habit. This is a very awkward situation.

Todd Ingram is also a Vegan. Being a Vegan grants him amazing psychic abilities. Todd Ingram is scary. After Todd punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue highlights out of her hair, Scott gets pissed off and challenges the man to a Bass Battle. Todd handily defeats Scott, then adds injury to insult via a psychic assault, launching our hero through a series of very solid walls.

Scott Pilgrim can't possibly hope to win against this... superman. Instead, he tricks Todd into drinking a cup of coffee with real milk as opposed to Vegan-friendly soy milk. The Vegan Police immediately show up, chastising Todd for breaking the Vegan code, using what I can only assume is a Kryptonite Ray to strip him of his Vegan powers.

Scott takes advantage of his opponent's weakened state, headbutting Todd Ingram into a healthy dose of arcade fuel.

Evil Ex #4: Roxy Richter

An exhausted Scott turns to the booze, and starts arguing with Ramona. Before Scott can even begin to enjoy his buzz, Ramona's disenfranchised former lover Roxy Richter comes along to destroy him. A fed-up Ramona decides to nut-up and take Roxy on herself, producing a massive sledgehammer from her purse.

Scott wants to sit this one out, because he's rather watch two attractive women fight over him. Unfortunately, "the rules" state that Scott must defeat all of Ramona's evil exes himself. So Ramona grabs her boyfriend and uses him as her own personal street-fighting marionette.

Scott finally ends the Roxy Richter threat thanks to Ramona, who tells him about the special little part of her anatomy that, when stimulated, drives her absolutely crazy. Roxy promptly orgasms into oblivion. This is awesome.

Evil Exes #5 & #6: The Katayangi Twins

Increasingly frustrated with Ramona's homicidal baggage, Scott and his band face off against the apparently mute DJs/Wizards the Katayangi Twins, jilted by Ramona when they each realized that she was dating them both at the same time. Sex Bob-Omb and the twins duel, get spanked by magic trance music dragons, then summon the power of rock and roll to finally annihilate the techno sorcerers in grand fashion. Scott earns a well-deserved extra life for his trouble.

But all is not well in the world, my friends. For it seems that in the five minutes it took Scott to slay exes 5 and 6, Ramona has gotten back together with her old flame, Mr. Gideon Graves, a.k.a. Evil Ex Number 7. Gideon is a big-time record producer, and wants to sign Sex Bob-Omb to play at his brand new club, the super-sleek Chaos Theatre. Scott's bandmates jump at the chance, and a disgusted Scott resigns from Sex Bob-Omb, allowing pal Young Neill to take his place in the band.

Scott tries to convince Ramona to come with him, but alas, she is under Gideon's control via a convenient chip imbedded in the base of her skull. As a triumphant Gideon Graves pulls away with Ramona in a swank limo, poor Scott Pilgrim is at his lowest point. He's still a dick, but I feel bad for him.

Evil Ex #7: Gideon Graves

A defiant Scott arrives at the Chaos Theatre, professing his undying love for Ramona. A flaming sword appears jammed in Scott's chest. As he pulls it out, Bill Hader's voice announces that Scott Pilgrim has gained the Power Of Love!!! Scott and Gideon get into it. A jilted Knives arrives to challenge Ramona to a fight to the death. Scott tries to break up the cat fight, but Gideon takes advantage of his distracted opponent, slaying our hero with gusto.

But wait! Scott wakes up in limbo, and has a touching conversation with Ramona. He realizes that with the way he treated not only Knives but his old girlfriend Kim, he's kind of a dick. Hell, he may be well on his way to inadvertantly creating his own League Of Evil Exes. Perhaps Scott's been fighting for the wrong reasons. Cashing in his extra life, Scott returns to the Chaos Theatre to replay his battle with Gideon.

This time around, Scott makes amends with his former band, telling Kim that he's sorry for being such a dick, and praising Young Neill as a better bass player than he could ever be. He tells Knives that she deserves better, and retrieves a brand new flaming sword from his chest cavity as Bill Hader announces that Scott Pilgrim has gained the Power Of Self-Respect!!!

Destroying Gideon's henchmen as Sex Bob-Omb plays a jaunty tune, Scott's on a roll. With a little help from Ramona and Knives, Scott defeats Gideon Graves, who erupts into a deluge of coins.

Bonus Villain: Nega Scott Pilgrim

But Gideon has one last trick up his sleeve, as his disembodied voice asks the question: can Scott Pilgrim possibly hope to defeat his terrifying alter-ego? Enter Nega Scott Pilgrim, our hero's sinister mirror image, vaguely transparent, slate grey, with glowing red eyes. Holy shit. Our boy is doomed.

Not really, though. Moments later, Scott and his doppleganger walk out of the Chaos Theatre together, laughing it up, making plans for brunch later in the week. It turns out those two have a lot in common.

And They All Lived... Ever After

Ramona realizes after seeing how badly she fucked over her seven exes that she needs to take a step back and rethink some shit. She decides to skip town in an effort to start over, to become a better person, herself. Knives realizes that Scott's still madly in love with Ramona, and forgives him for being a douche, telling him to go live his life.

So Scott chooses to join Ramona on her journey, hoping that perhaps the two of them could start over together. They step into a free-standing doorway in the middle of the road, to parts unknown.

That Was Dull. What Else Have You Got?

Nothing I can say could possibly do this film justice. Director Edgar Wright has managed to make one of the most energetic, entertaining, out-of-its-mind movies I have ever seen. The movie is dripping with such energy, I wondered if the auditorium's projector would overheat. It's impossible to describe the things that happen in this film on a blog. The whole endeavor is so creative that I walked out of the theatre with a big, goofy smile on my face.

The various methods that Scott employs to defeat Ramona's evil exes are inventive, and keep the "fight scenes" from getting stale and repetitive. A bass guitar duel? Death-by-orgasm? Defeated by the power of self-respect? Abso-fucking-lutely!

The Todd Ingram fight, in particular, sent both me and my cousin Ky into a fit of hysterical laughter. After Scott tricks Todd into drinking milk (a Vegan no-no), the fucking Vegan Police show up. The Vegan Police are played by Thomas Jane and Clifton Collins, Jr. We're both big fans of these two actors, and seeing them pop up seemingly at random was absolutely hilarious.

And when they depart with a slow motion high five and a hearty "Yeah!", I laughed so hard that I cried. The whole situation was insane. I was left wondering how this could happen. How did this movie get made? I don't know, but I'm grateful.

During the confrontation with Lucas Lee, the very instant that Lee calls for his skateboard, Scott's pal Wallace pops up like Johnny-on-the-spot, skateboard in hand. It's such a small, yet perfect moment that still sticks with me.

The random comedy moments are all gold, as well: An out-of-nowhere "Seinfeld" homage, complete with laugh track, between Scott and Wallace. The fact that a random party goer recognizes a haphazard, unintelligible scribble on a sheet of paper as a picture of Ramona. Kim's not-too-subtle contempt for ex-boyfriend Scott, relayed with nothing more than her piercing gaze and the occassional remark like "if your life had a face, I would punch it". Scott's amazing disappearing hat. His love of garlic bread.

The actors are great across the board. I honestly can't think of a single performance that doesn't work. Michael Cera is fantastic as Scott, displaying great comic timing, believable anger, and a fine talent for fight choreography. Mary Elizabeth Winstead plays Ramona as detached, not ready to fall in love again, but she gradually softens as she allows Scott's charms to wear her down.

Ellen Wong is some kind of a revelation as Knives Chau. She's just so exuberant that you can't help but fall in love with her. When the movie ended, part of me was disappointed that Scott chose Ramona over Knives. Hopefully this leads to bigger and better things for Ellen Wong, because I can't wait to see her in another movie.

The actors who play the Evil Exes are all perfectly suited to their roles. Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzman are the big stand-outs, though. Todd Ingram is supremely confident, but also incredibly dense, and Routh shows a surprising amount of talent in the role. Surprising to me, at least, because I thought he was terrible in "Superman Returns". Here, he's one of the highlights in an already amazing movie.

And the great Jason Schwartzman plays Gideon Graves as supremely confident, a fellow who lulls you into a false sense of security with his mild voice and winning smile, before he tears out your soul and stomps on it with his designer shoes. When his fight with Scott goes south, he transforms into a petulant child, throwing a temper tantrum because all of his hard work gathering the League Of Evil Exes has fallen apart. It's a pretty damned good performance, considering his role is relatively small, but his shadow looms over the entire film.

But Kieran Culkin is something else in this movie. Wallace Wells may be the funniest character in the whole film. And it's all thanks to Culkin's pitch-perfect performance. He's just effortlessly funny. I never really thought much of him in the past, although I did enjoy "Igby Goes Down". That's all changed, now. He just needs the right director to properly utilize his skills.

This film is filled with inventive special effects, clever split-screen moments, and amazing integration of classic video game and motion picture musical cues. The heightened reality of the material is matched perfectly by the amazing cast. And the songs are great. I must buy the official soundtrack, just so I can hear "We Are Sex Bob-Omb" again.

The audience in our screening was loving the movie nearly as much as we were. But I've read reviews that complain that the movie doesn't make sense. "Why does he have to actually fight Ramona's Exes? Why does nobody care when they see people get murdered in plain sight? Get off my lawn!" Who gives a shit?

This movie does makes no attempt to trick you into believing that it takes place in a realistic world. This is a world where a 23 year-old slacker can fight like a Kung-Fu master, Vegans have superpowers, and when people die, they turn into coins. It's not reality. It's a fucking movie. I only wish that more directors would realize that you can actually do things in movies that are impossible in reality. Embrace the medium, dammit!

Some people probably have issues with the film's conclusion. They may get pissed off when Scott chooses Ramona over Knives. "Has he learned nothing?!", they might say. I think that's the point. Over the course of the film, Scott has had to come to terms with his past. He realizes that he's been a childish, petty person.

When he rises from the dead to fight Gideon the second time, he owns up to his past and fights not for Ramona, but for himself. He's finally ready to grow up. And part of growing up is making mistakes, and living with them. Will his relationship with Ramona survive? Maybe, maybe not.

Either way, he's going into that relationship as an adult, and he is finally ready to face the consequences of his actions. That's a pretty fucking good ending, as far as I'm concerned.

I love Edgar Wright's previous work. Loooove it. "Spaced" is one of the best television shows ever made. It just is. "Shaun Of The Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" are two of the best comedies you could ever see. But "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" transcends Wright's previous work, at least for me. This film just worked for me on every level. As I left the theatre, my feet weren't even touching the ground. Ky turned to me and said "That was just about the best movie I've ever seen". Hyperbolic, maybe. But it's still an amazing movie.

Watching the movie, I was reminded of Brian dePalma's "Phantom Of The Paradise", perhaps my favorite film of all-time. Both films are kindred spirits. They don't care about realism. They both feature some great music. And they're both completely fucking insane. I know that Edgar Wright is also a huge fan of that film, and I could see that love onscreen. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then do something about it. It's cheap, and you won't regret the purchase.

And if you do, then I don't want to know you.

As I said before, my limited vocabulary can't possibly do this film justice. If you stumble across this blog and haven't seen "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World", you need to rectify that immediately. It's an absolutely amazing film, and you owe it to yourself to see it. It will make you a better person.

It's A Celebration!

On this day, August 26th, I celebrate my blog's first anniversary. Yes, The Book Of Lies is one year old. In the past year, I've made 96 posts, and perhaps only 3 of them have any real merit. But that's okay, not everything everybody writes can be great. I mean, have you ever read a Dean Koontz book? He wrote maybe 4 decent books in his life, and nothing worthwhile in 20 years, yet the guy's insanely popular.

And who is he trying to fool with his amazing head of hair? We all know you're fucking bald. I have copies of his older books, where he's clearly losing his hair at an alarming rate, and his moustache-blighted face is a mask of misery. Now his dustjackets are adorned with the smiling visage of a fumbling trickster with a full head of hair. You can't erase your past, asshole! And you can't erase "The Husband", either.

Man, I fucking hate Dean Koontz.

Anyway, I marked this momentous occassion by changing the header image on my front page. That's it. I would have done more, but I'm an apathetic slug. You're welcome.

Cinematic Thunderdome!! Part One

Two movies enter... then I guess I leave. The cinema, that is. Because the movies are still there. I had to go home, though. Because otherwise, people might start to get suspicious. They might wonder why some weird dude is camping out in the movie theatre. Then they call the cops, then I get arrested, and it all ends up with me spending some quality time in a nice padded cell.

Man, I really butchered the whole "Beyond Thunderdome" analogy.

I saw "The Expendables" and "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" with mein cousin Ky a while back. A lovely day at the movies. And now I am going to talk about them.

Sylvester Stallone: A Depressing Roller Coaster Ride

In 1997, Sylvester Stallone starred in "Cop Land". Do you remember "Cop Land"? That movie was great. I loved it in the theatre. I loved it on VHS. I loved it on cable. And I still love it on DVD. This is the movie that made people remember that putting aside all of the TNT-infused machismo of his 1980's action output, Sylvester Stallone could actually act.

Don't get me wrong: I'm a big fan of his action flick heyday. The 80's and early 90's were my formative years, and Stallone was a big part of that. From his "Rambo" and "Rocky" sequels, to the cartoonishly entertaining "Tango & Cash", to the insanely over-the-top, nightmarishly fascist "Cobra". I loved what the man did.

Now did his action filmography ever hit the dizzying heights of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Predator" or "Commando" No. Did he ever give us a bonafide action classic like Bruce Willis in "Die Hard" No. But Sly's work always had a place in my heart.

Besides, his earlier work, namely "Rocky" and "First Blood", are great films. Made greater still by the fact that Sly actually wrote those damned movies. Aha! The man wasn't just a muscular badass with great screen preence. He had talent behind the scenes, as well. That's something Arnold could never say.

Sure, Arnold produced such films as "Last Action Hero" and "The 6th Day", but come on. He also directed that awful "Christmas In Connecticut" movie for TNT. That doesn't even come close.

Sly had a few missteps behind the scenes as well, to be fair. Remember "Rhinetone"? Staying Alive"? "Over The Top"? Fucking "Driven"?! None of those films are good. "Rhinestone", in particular, is pretty fucking terrible, yet also fascinating. It's one of those cinematic trainwrecks, where you want to turn away but you just can't.

Watching Sylvester Stallone desperately trying to sing about becoming "Drinkenstein", knowing that the man wrote his own lyrics is an amazing thing to behold. He wasn't forced to do this. He wasn't fulfilling a contractual obligation. He fucking wrote this! At some point, the man thought this was a good idea! Fucking mind-blowing.

Maybe he just really wanted to work with Dolly Parton.

I suppose my point is that Sylvester Stallone has struggled more than his contemporary, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Obviously, this is at least partially his own fault. He fucking wrote "Rhinestone"! But I've always been in the man's corner. As the Italian Stallion lost his way time and time again, I was always hopeful. I knew the man had a real talent, and it was just a matter of time before a project came along that reminded others of that fact.

Then he gained a lot weight and played against type as soft-spoken New Jersey sheriff Freddy Heflin in "Cop Land". A great performance in a great film, and I was sure that things were going to be different from now on. People were going to take notice, and realize that Stallone could do more than blow shit up, again. Directors would begin to cast him in more toned-down affairs, that would showcase his actual acting abilities. Stallone was gonna be on top.

Boy, was I wrong.

Just take a look at the man's output from 1998 to 2005. With the exception of a small voice role in "Antz", it's just wall-to-wall garbage. I don't even want to mention the dreck that Stallone made in that dark age. He never made anything as excrutiating as "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" in this era, just an endless string of mediocrity. The man was pushing 60, and I was quietly hoping that he would just decide to retire before he made anymore terrible movies.

Then, in 2006, he wrote, directed and starred in "Rocky Balboa". Leading up to the release, most people just thought of this as a last gasp at relevance. Nobody thought the movie would actually be any good. Especially considering the franchise's decline in quality over the years. We're supposed to believe that a 60 year-old retired boxer is going to jump in the ring with a young champion and not get destroyed in seconds? In reality, even George Foreman's comeback ended at the age of 48.

I saw the film in Christmas Day, and was blown away. Stallone played Rocky as a man who has been beaten down by his life in the years since his last glorious days in the ring. His fortune has dried up, he's estranged from his son, and his beloved Adrian is dead and gone. And Paulie's still a fucking mess. So at least some things never change.

Circumstances lead to a charity match between Rocky and world champion Mason Dixon. Leading up to the match, most people thought that Rocky didn't stand a chance. He was over the hill, out of shape, and out of practice. Who's going to believe that a 60 year-old man is going to provide any kind of challenge to this young champion?

In a case of life imitating art, "Rocky Balboa" shocked the world. I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed this movie. Stallone had inhabited the character of Rocky Balboa for so long, his struggles in life seemed to echo his character's struggles on-screen. No matter how hard life get, Rocky didn't give up, and neither did Stallone. Seriously, lesser men would have killed themselves after "Rhinestone".

When Rocky went the distance against Mason Dixon in the film's climax, it wasn't just a triumphant moment for the film, it was a victory for Stallone. He was telling the world "I'm still here, dammit!" Stallone managed to prove that he still had it, and I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to see what else he had up his sleeve.

That something turned out to be 2008's "Rambo". I love Sly's "Rambo" series. "First Blood" is a great, small movie about a damaged Vietnam veteran who is pushed too far by a small town sheriff. It's incredibly effective, and my heart always breaks for poor John Rambo when he tearfully breaks down in front of Col. Trautman in the end.

"Rambo: First Blood Part II" and "Rambo III" are ridiculous, yet entertaining movies. A lot of shit blows up, a lot of people get killed, and Sly still manages to shove in a few genuine human moments in between all of the explosions. He crashes a fucking tank into a helicopter in part 3! That's fucking ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome.

But the sequels drifted away from the more serious nature of the original, and John Rambo, as a character, became muddy and less defined. When most people think about Rambo, they don't think about the broken veteran from the first film, they remember the oiled-up killing machine from the sequels. The cartoon.

Jesus, I forgot that they actually made a fucking "Rambo" cartoon. Wow, that was stupid. Between that and "The Toxic Crusaders", I always chuckled to myself, thinking that little kids were meant to enjoy the animated adventures of characters that originated in films made for adults. Seriously, how does a children's cartoon based on "The Toxic Avenger" get made? That's some kind of twisted genius, there.

Anyway, although I enjoyed John Rambo's latter-day adventures in blowing shit up, I was always a little disappointed that a bit of the character's soul was discarded in favor of elaborate action setpieces. So when Sylvester Stallone announced that he was going to go the "Rocky Balboa" route with his second most famous character, I was excited.

He seemed to have learned something with his previous film. I doubted Sly was going to make his supposedly last hurrah with John Rambo a big, dumb celluloid explosion with no heart. Just like with good old Rocky Balboa, he'd gotten all of the pomp and circumstance out of his system, and was ready to get back to his roots.

And as far as I'm concerned, "Rambo" did just that. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this movie. We meet John Rambo on the outskirts of a village in Thailand near the Burmese border. He makes a meager living catching snakes. His face is a mask, his eyes are blank, and his physique has the solidity of an old, strong oak tree.

He looks like he has the strength to punch your head clean off your shoulders with little effort, and his demeanor suggests that after destroying your life, he'd just go on with his day like nothing happened. If you thought Rocky had it rough, poor Rambo could tell that old boxer a few stories that would make him weep blood.

At first I wondered why John wasn't back with the Buddhist monks, living in the temple he was helping to construct in the previous film. He'd found a sort of peace with himself in that film, actually using his hands to create rather than destroy. John's in a pretty bad place when the fourth film begins, and there's no immediate explanation as to why.

I prefer to think that when John returned to Thailand, he found the temple burned to the ground, and all of the monks dead. That's the kind of shit that would turn a man into a silent, hulking, snake-wrangling beast.

If you've seen "Rambo", then you know the story: Nihilist John reluctantly agrees to ferry a group of missionaries across the border to Burma, which is a violent cesspool. He's convinced to do this by a naive young missionary named Sarah, who seems to awaken John's deeply buried humanity. Shortly after arriving in Burma, the missionaries get kidnapped by a corrupt military officer (big surprise), and are doomed to a short and miserable existence as guests of the Burmese army.

A team of mercenaries is hired to find the kidnapped missionaries, and Rambo agrees to accompany them, because he finds that he actually cares about poor Sarah. The mercs think Rambo's just an old boatman with massive arms, and tell him to stay on the boat. Luckily for them, Rambo doesn't stay on the boat, and almost single-handedly wipes out the entire Burmese army with the help of a mounted 50 caliber machine gun.

Then, just because he can, he obliterates the evil Burmese Major's internal organs with his terrorknife. So Rambo saves the day, the missionaries, and in the process, perhaps even his soul. The film ends with John returning home to the United States, on the outskirts of his father's farm.

"Rambo" is great. And it's also astoundingly violent. During the climactic battle, he transforms at least a hundred men into a fine red paste. He also hacks one poor bastard's head off with a machete. With one swipe of his mighty arm. It wasn't a punch, but it was close enough. Some might argue that Rambo regaining his humanity, in part, through extreme physical violence is the wrong message to send to the children. Those people are pussies.

Rambo finally comes to terms with his past, and all it took was the slaughter of a bunch of evil Burmese soldiers. A few of those soldiers might have been decent folks under desperate circumstances, but if they knew better, they would have dropped their guns and bolted into the jungle as fast as their legs could carry them. The moral of the story: don't point your gun at John Rambo, because he will annihilate you.

So "Rambo" was awesome. And Sly's next project sounded even awesomer. A group of badass mercenaries invading a small South American nation to overthrow a dictator? An amazing group of actors that reads like the cast of my insane action movie dreams? How soon can this movie open, and how quickly can I buy a ticket?

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, and Gary Daniels, with cameos by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Oh, and Steve Austin and Randy Couture. And that cop from "Dexter" as the evil dictator. A real "men on a mission" movie. fantastic!

So did "The Expendables" deliver? Eeehh...

THE EXPENDABLES: The Title That Lies Like Dinner

I'll start with a quick (heh, heh) plot summary. Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is the leader of a group of soldiers of fortune named "the expendables". You can tell because they all ride motorcycles with their logo airbrushed on their gastanks. Hey, it's an easy way to advertise. His brothers in arms consist of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren).

Christ, those fucking names. Only Sly and Dolph have halfway normal names, and that's stretching it. Fucking Barney?! Stallone chose to call himself Barney? Why? That's just a nitpick, I suppose.

The film starts with our heroes boarding a pirate ship off the coast of Somalia, hired to rescue a group of hostages. Our boys surround the pirates as they prepare to start executing the hostages, with all of their pretty little gun lasers lighting up the Head Pirate like the Fourth of July. Barney throws down a bag of money, the previously agreed ransom amount to free the hostages.

The douchebag Head Pirate decides he wants more money, because the Expendables obviously have at least a few million extra dollars stuffed up their asses for just such an occassion. A short argument ensues, before Gunnar stops it by obliterating the Head Pirate's upper body with a grenade launcher. One firefight later, and the pirates are defeated, the hostages safe and sound.

Gunnar supposes now is a good time to string up one of the surviving pirates, as an example to any other pirates who might happen upon this now-derelict vessel. But that's not how the Expendables roll, baby! Sure, the pirate would kill them if given half a chance, but they have to be better than that. Yang tussles with Gunnar, Gunnar starts kicking his ass, and Barney stops the fight when he threatens to shoot his pal Gunnar for attempting to hang a fucking pirate.

Apparently, old Gunnar is a drug addict. We're never told what his drug of choice is, and we never see him take any drugs, but he's a filthy junkie, all right. Plus, he's crazy. So Barney fires his ass when the boys get home. Wonder if that plan will come back to bite Barney on his ass later?

Whenever the Expendables aren't shooting people in foreign countries and spontaneously growing vaginas when one of their own decides to kill a bad guy in a creative way, they hang out at a tattoo parlor owned and operated by a former mercenary and friend named Tool (Mickey Rourke). Seriously, they spend all of their free time at this place. With only a few exceptions, every U.S.-based moment of this film takes place at Tool's tattoo parlor. It's ridiculous.

Tool sets up a meeting for Barney with a mysterious contact offering big money for a dangerous mission in Val Verde... I mean Vilena, a small South American nation ruled with an iron fist by an evil dictator. Barney meets "Mr. Church" (Bruce Willis) and argues with an old rival also interested in the job named Trench (Schwarzenegger) for a few minutes, before Trench decides that he doesn't want the job and walks away.

"Mr. Church" wants Barney and his team to enter Vilena and kill the dictator, General Garza (David Zayas), but he really wants them to kill James Munroe (Eric Roberts), a rogue CIA agent who is supporting General Garza in exchange for a steady supply of exportable cocaine. See, "Mr. Church" is most definitely a CIA man, himself, and wants the Expendables to do the wetwork in eliminating Munroe so they don't have to. Your taxpayer dollars at work!

Barney and Christmas fly out to Vilena to meet their contact for a little reconnaissance. Their contact is a lady named Sandra (nobody), who just happens to be the daughter of General Garza. The little recon job goes awry when our heroes are forced to kill a bunch of soldiers who are aiming guns at them at point-blank range. Barney opts to bail out, because the mission is just too dangerous. So the revolution has been called off, as they make tracks to their seaplane, dragging a very reluctant Sandra along for the ride.

When they reach the plane, Sandra decides to stay, running away because she stands for something, dammit! Barney and Christmas take off, then realize that something hasn't gone boom in a while, so they turn the plane around and blast the dock full of waiting soldiers with a hail of bullets and a dollop of napalm for good measure.

Back home, Tool opens up to Barney, telling him about the time he "lost his soul" on a mission in Bosnia, allowing a woman to commit suicide because at the time he was so desensitized that he just couldn't bring himself to care. This plants the seed in Barney's head, and he decides that he's going to back to Vilena... for the girl.

Yang tags along with Barney on a little road trip, where they get ambushed by some of Munroe's goons, including Gunnar (shock of shocks!). A big, loud chase ensues, and some SUVs explode. Gunnar gets into a brawl with Yang, gets the upper hand, and Barney shoots him. Apparently dying, Gunnar decides to do the right thing and tell Barney all about the layout of Garza's dilapidated palace.

So the Expendables go back to Vilena, and the entire army shows up to fight our heroes. In the midst of the battle, Garza seems to have a change of heart regarding himself and his role in Vilena's future. He is tired of being manipulated by Munroe, and wants to lead his people into a brighter tomorrow. You see, he's a good dictator, after all! Munroe is having none of that, and shoots Garza in the back. Serves you right!

Anyway, the entire army is wiped out, everything blows up, and Munroe is killed by a bunch of bullets and a big, digitally created knife through the sternum. A job well done, the Expendables leave Sandra with her ruined country, and head back to Tool's tattoo parlor, to reunite with an alive and well Gunnar, get drunk and throw knives at a dartboard. The End.

So that's the story. Not much of a story, when you really break it down. Really just an excuse for a series of action sequences, more than anything else. I have some problems with "The Expendables", and now I am going to tell you about them, like it or not.

My first problem with this film is the eerie similarity to Sly's previous film, "Rambo". The only reason Rambo goes back to Burma is Sarah. He could give less than a shit about any of the other missionaries. If Sarah had half a brain and decided to stay home when her church group decided to go save the heathen souls of Burma from the fires of Hell, then Rambo would have just stayed home to headbutt trees into firewood for fun. Rambo turns Burma into a bloodsoaked nightmare because of the girl.

Barney does the exact same thing in "The Expendables". He had written little Sandra off until Tool conveniently chose to tell his pal a heartbreaking story about the poor woman he could have saved, but didn't. Barney didn't want to lose his soul, so he had to return to Vilena. Not for the mission. For the girl. Because she's not just the girl, she a symbol of reightousness and purity. She defies her father and his government, not for personal gain, but because it's the right thing to do. Got it?

Being a mercenary for so long, Barney's forgotten about "the right thing". Even though he wouldn't allow Gunnar to hang a pirate earlier in the film. So, like John Rambo, Barney chooses to save the girl, because it's just "the right thing to do". Fuck money, fuck fame, he's doing this to save his fucking soul!

The only real difference between this plot and the plot to "Rambo" is that the good mercs in "The Expendables" aren't useless assholes just waiting for Sly to pull their asses out of the fire. In fact, Barney's pals save his life, a time or two. I was disappointed that Stallone was already rehashing the plot from his previous film. He's better than that.

Another problem: the girl in "The Expendables" sucks. The actress who plays Sandra, Giselle Itie, is a horrible actress. She can't convincingly deliver any of her dialogue, she has no screen presence, and her heavy-lidded eyes are lifeless and distracting. Perhaps the dialogue can't be directly blamed on the actress, considering this is her first english-language role, and most of it is so pedestrian and trite.

But either way, this woman is supposed to make the audience care about her. We're supposed to want our heroes to go back to Vilena and save her. We don't. In "Rambo", Julie Benz played Sarah sympathetically. She was naive, she wanted to help people out of the goodness of her heart. Rambo cared about her. And so did we. The girl in "Rambo" worked. The girl in "The Expendables" did not.

Another problem? The actors. Not all of the actors, Dear Imaginary Reader. Just most of them.

Sylvester Stallone doesn't really bring much to the table in this movie, which was a huge surprise. He plays Barney Ross not as a man exhausted physically and emotionally by his career, but as just a tired man. He certainly has his moments, and at times a bit of his old, charismatic self shines through. But overall, he's not terribly memorable.

Perhaps that's the way old Sly wanted it. After all, his goal in making the film was to showcase an ensemble. And maybe he didn't want to do anything to outshine his castmates, choosing a more subdued performance over anything... bombastic. If this is true, then he failed. Because instead of subdued, he gave us sedated.

And Jason Statham? He's Barney's right hand man, so we spend more time with Lee Christmas than any other Expendable. So does he do anything worthwhile? Not really. From what I understand about his character, he likes knives, enjoys the odd poetry slam, and has terrible taste in women. Yes, he's the only member of the team with any real love interest. It's Charisma Carpenter, which makes sense. She's gorgeous, after all. I was astounded to learn that she's recently turned 40. Cordelia Chase is 40. She's aging gracefully, I must say.

Unfortunately, her role in "The Expendables" is completely superfluous. She's in two scenes. And that's it. She never shows up again. Lee never even refers to her again. Her role is utterly meaningless.

Let me lay it out for you: Lee's been out of the country (on Expendable business) for a month. He visits his girlfriend, surprised to find out that she's already moved on, despite the fact that they never broke up, that Lee never even hinted that he wanted to break up with her. His lady apparently got tired of waiting, and found a new man. And he's already living with her. She works fast, I tell ya.

Not only that, but her new beau is the biggest dick in the world. Sure, Barney would object to Gunnar attempting to hang an innocent pirate, but if he tried to string this right bastard up, Barney would start singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow". And I wouldn't blame him.

New Lee can't manage to utter one sentence that is anything remotely resembling cordial. A permanent scowl of contempt is tattooed across his face. His eyes burn with rage and feelings of inadequacy. He might be wearing a hairpiece, I don't know. But it wouldn't surprise me. New Lee tells Christmas Too to get lost. Cordelia's got a new man in her life, and he can satisfy her desires to be despised and objectified like no other man possibly can.

So our hero gets on his crotch rocket and tells Cordelia that she should have waited, and rides off, presumably to Tool's place, to throw more knives and drown his sorrows in the powerful, masculine arms of his good pal Barney.

Later that movie, Lee visits Cordelia again, for no immediately discernible reason, and sees the brand new shiner across her left eye. Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen! Not only is New Lee a complete cunt, he likes punching ladies, as well! New Lee truly is the biggest dick in the world.

So now, if Lee were to, say, track down his newly minted nemesis, beat the living shit out of him and all of his friends as a public basketball court, and threaten New Lee's very life with the pointy end of one of his many, many, many knives, while puffy Cordelia watches, he would be totally justified.

So he... well he does just that. And then he quietly orders the now submissive, traumatized Cordelia to climb on the back of his bike, telling her once again that she should have waited for him. Because he's worth it. He's the "L'Oréal" of men. And as I said previously, after they ride off together, she might as well not exist, because she's fucking gone.

Simply put, these scenes are padding. We get to see Jason Statham act macho and beat the holy hell out of a group of worthless yuppies, but it's pointless. We've seen it all, before. And the whole subplot doesn't really work. Why is he so enamored with a woman who essentially left him at the drop of a hat for an utter asshole? She has no personality of her own. She's a complete cipher. We're supposed to care because she's being abused, but she isn't even a real character. It's complete manipulation, and it's borderline offensive.

Charisma Carpenter acts like she has no idea why she's even in the movie. She just stares with her big, brown eyes and closely resembles a startled deer transfixed by a car's headlights on a deserted country road. These two scenes could have been completely removed from the film without causing any harm to the narrative. They contribute nothing.

David Zayas, who is great on "Dexter", and was great on "Oz", is a fucking bore in this movie. Was I meant to feel any sympathy for the brutal dictator when Eric Roberts shot him in the back? Maybe, but I was just relieved that I didn't have to listen to him spout any more insipid dialogue.

Randy Couture is not an actor. Somebody should have told Randy Couture that before he decided to appear in this film. It's saying something when Steve Austin is not the worst actor in your film. It's saying a lot. A whole hell of a lot. Steve Austin is still the second worst actor in the film, so don't get nervous. These two titans of bland have their own private rumble during the climax, and Couture kicks Austin into a wall of fire.

Steve Austin is supposed to be burning alive, and that has got to be one of the most painful experiences imaginable. Steve Austin no-sells this worse than any of his soap opera segments in the wrestling ring. His laughable attempts at screaming caused me to burst out in maniacal laughter. It was absolutely deplorable. At least he's dead, so he can't appear in any hypothetical sequels.

Couture still might, so I suggest that when the sequel begins, one of the Expendables laments at the off-screen death of our beloved Toll Road, while simultaenously welcoming their newest member, Black Dynamite. Why not?

The script is garbage. I don't know how Sly wrote this and thought it was any good. Then again, he must have thought "Rhinestone" was good, at some point. So perhaps the man is mentally regressing into some primitive, action-hero caveman state. Or maybe he's just delusional. Either way, he wrote a bad script.

The action is passable, at times. It's also great, at times. It's also *white noise* at times. Stallone decided to shoot most of the hand-to-hand fighting sequences in extreme close-up reminiscent of Christopher Nolan's work in "Batman Begins". That makes it very hard to make any sense of what's actually happening onscreen.

In what should have been an absolute no-brainer of an action sequence in a fight between Jason Statham, Jet Li and Gary Daniels as Munroe's henchman, Stallone stays so close to the action for the majority of the fight that I had no idea what was going on. Inexcusable.

And the run-and-gun sequences don't fare much better. It became crystal clear that Stallone had originally shot a PG-13 movie when every single gunshot wound became an explosion of digital blood approaching the heights of "Ninja Assassin". It's terrible. And when Eric Roberts met his end at the end of the worst-looking digital knife blade I have ever seen, I hung my head.

And just for good measure, here's a real nitpick: None of the good guys die. None of them even get shot. Except for Gunnar, but he was "on hiatus" at the time. So none of "The Expendables" die. That doesn't feel right, to me.

So now you simply must be asking to yourself, Did this sad bastard actually enjoy anything about this movie? The answer is yes. Hard to believe, but I actually found a lot to enjoy in the film.

How about the actors? Not all of the actors. Just some of the actors.

Like Dolph Lundgren. He plays Gunnar Jenssen as a coked-up lunatic, and he devours every crumb of scenery in his general vicinity. Although he's only featured in perhaps fifteen minutes of the actual film, he's an absolute delight whenever his weathered, Swedish face appears. So much so, that I think the film actually suffers without his consistent presence. Stallone apparently felt the same way, so he chose to shoehorn the previously dead character into the final scene, just because he liked the guy as much as I did.

His exuberant glee when blasting a nefarious pirate into the afterlife, and his childlike excitement when he attempts to hang yet another pirate made me grin. His persistence in calling everyone who looks down on him an "insect" made me laugh. And watching him kick Jet Li's ass was hilarious and brilliant. He's the film's MVP.

Speaking of Jet Li, his grotesquely named "Ying Yang" is a surprising bright spot in the film. He's actually funny. He continues to complain that he needs more money to support his family, and when pressed on the subject, he clams up, a blank stare fixed on his face. Later on, he casually drops the fact that he doesn't really have a family, that he's just greedy, and it doesn't sound funny, but I couldn't help but laugh.

And when he whines to Barney that he deserves more credit because he has to work harder than everyone else on account of his diminuative stature, I cracked up. It's all in his dead-pan delivery. He sounds deadly serious, and that's why it's funny. He never smiles. I can't recall ever seeing the man smile. But he obviously has a great sense of humor. But if you ever laughed at him, he'd probably break your neck.

Eric Roberts obviously knew what kind of movie he was in, and just hammed it up as the irredeemably corrupt Munroe. He's always entertaining, and once again, I just wish he were more prominently featured in the film. There's a particularly great moment involving him and Dadid Zayas, as Munroe and General Garza investigate the hideout of Garza's revolutionary daughter, Sandra.

Munroe scans the walls with contempt, gazing at all of Sandra's unframed tattoo shop-quality artowk, which serves as a de facto wallpaper. He turns to Garza and spits the line "Paintings?! This is how it starts!!!" then storms out. As soon as Munroe is out of earshot, Garza turns to the camera and mumbles "Or how it ends", almost as if he were afraid that if Munroe heard him, he would get a spanking. Nonsensical comedy gold.

Terry Crews is great as "Hale Caesar". Too bad he's barely in the fucking movie. He's one of the most naturally funny people I've ever seen on film, and it's a damned shame that he's rarely utilized properly. He's not just the madman from the Old Spice commercials, kids. He's the fucking President.

Caesar arms himself with a badass automatic shotgun and lays everything to waste. He turns an underground cavern full of henchmen into an abbatoir. When Barney runs out of ammo for his assault rifle, he tells Caesar to take care of the guard towers surrounding the palace. He explodes them with his weapon of mass destruction.

As Munroe makes his way to his patented supervillain escape chopper, Barney asks if Caesar can throw a nearby massive, unexploded shell. Caesar picks it up and tosses it toward the chopper like a fucking Greek demigod, and Barney shoots it, blowing up the chopper. Eric Roberts has a classic, "why me" reaction to this development.

In short, Terry Crews is the tits.

The much-hyped cameo sequence involving Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis may be blatant fan service, but it's a big highlight in the film. Arnold's having a lot of fun playing a complete asshole, and it shows. And Bruce Willis shows more life in this tiny cameo than he has since maybe "The Whole Nine Yards". That mischievious glint has returned to his eye, and he's clearly enjoying himself. I think it's because he finally got to say a few curse words in a movie, again. He's always at his best when he has the leeway to be vulgar.

Mickey Rourke brings a lot to his small role as fucking "Tool". Stallone clearly got Rourke on loan from the set of "Iron Man 2", because he looks just like Ivan Vanko, down to the gold highlights in his teeth. But he's funny, memorable, and actually has the only truly heartfelt moment in the film when Tool tells Barney about "the Bosnian tragedy". The dialogue that Stallone wrote for him wasn't great, but Rourke sells it like an old pro.

I hope he comes back for a sequel, and once again, I hope he gets more screentime.

"The Expendables" is not a good movie. But the actors are not at fault. In fact, my only real praise for the film comes purely from the performances. Stallone let them down, as a filmmaker. He dropped the ball, and because of that, I couldn't really recommend this movie to anybody.

My brother briefly spoke to me about the movie the other day, and was appalled that I could feel so disappointed. He didn't understand why I couldn't just let go and enjoy the ride. I wondered if we had seen two different movies. How could anybody walk out of "The Expendables" and not feel disappointed?

The movie's been number one at the box office for two weeks in a row. So a sequel is potentially a reality. I just hope that Stallone takes the time to make a better movie for his cast this time. Next time, I'll tell talk about "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World". This post has gone on far too long, and I have to learn the delicate art of brevity.

Fine Ham Abounds!!

I'm the proudest bird, the finest bird that money can buy!

THE OTHER GUYS: ...And A Good Time Was Had By All

Adam McKay and Will Ferrell have done it again. "Four for Four", as the hipsters might say. I caught a matinee of "The Other Guys" opening weekend, and have only now chosen to actually write about it. Because I'm fucking lazy.

You think that's bad? I've already got two more movies to write about, and I'm seeing "Piranha 3D" this weekend, as well. At this rate, I won't be caught up until Halloween. Oh boy. Anyhoo, this movie I was supposed to be talking about? It's good.

Dammit, I already basically said that two paragraphs up. I swear, my short-term memory is shot to hell. And I haven't even taken any hard-core hallucinagens in years. The scientists weren't lying: that shit stays in your system.

Maybe that's why I infrequently lapse into a fugue state when I see a 3D movie in the cinema, coming to my senses hours, sometimes days later, standing naked in a porn shop parking lot, covered in blood and vegetable oil, gnashing my teeth and clutching a well-worn copy of "Catcher In The Rye".

But I digress...

"The Other Guys" is a buddy-cop comedy, and it's actually funny. Will Ferrell plays a boring, straight-laced detective named Gamble who prefers pushing a pencil to actually leaving the precinct. He's partnered up with Marky Mark, a hot-headed, self-proclaimed "peacock" named Hoitz who's been saddled with Ferrell ever since he accidentally shot New York Yankee Derek Jeter in the leg (a gag that doesn't really work). He's a laughingstock around the precinct, and he's seething with rage.

But these two cops don't matter. Hoitz and Gamble freeze in the shadow of supercops Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson) and Danson (The Fucking Rock), a pair of hot shot renegades who break the rules, have a metric ton of fun, and cost the city millions in property damage in pursuit of the bad guys, but nobody cares because they're just so fucking cool.

But things are about to change. While chasing down a gang of thieves across a series of rooftops, Highsmith and Danson find themselves at an impasse. The thieves have escaped across a busy street via a convenient zipline that they smartly severed moments before the supercops could catch them. Highsmith and Danson look at each other, smile knowingly, and leap from the roof of a very tall building...

...and fall to their deaths. Seriously. It's the most bizarre, jarringly funny moment I've yet encountered in a film, this year. There are no large trucks carrying heaping piles of garbage driving by, no handy awnings below to break their fall, and no convenient fruit stands, either. They just jump... and die.

The shot holds for thirty seconds while the supercops fall, and the audience keeps expecting some deus ex machina to swoop in and save them. But it never happens. They smash on the pavement below, and that's it. Our film's intermittent narrator, Ice T, even mentions the absurdity of the entire ordeal. Not even the omniscient voice of the film can find a compelling reason for what Highsmith and Danson have done.

It's absolutely hilarious.

After the inexplicable deaths of Alpha dogs Highsmith and Danson, two douchebag Betas named Fosse (Damon Wayans, Jr.) and Martin (Rob Riggle) attempt to fill their void, throwing their weight around, wearing sunglasses, and updating their Twitter accounts at crime scenes. These guys are just trying too hard.

Meanwhile, Hoitz and Gamble stumble upon a seemingly dead-end case involving a twitchy British capitalist named Ershon (Steve Coogan) that quickly becomes the biggest case of their careers. Can "the other guys" get the job done?

Spoiler Alert: Sure.

So "The Other Guys" is funny. It's very funny. I enjoyed it.

Um... I guess maybe I should elaborate?

Six Hilarious Things Found In "The Other Guys"

First: Dirty Mike and the Boys. Gamble is a stick in the mud, if nothing else. A boring guy with a boring life, he drives a sensible Prius that he oddly cherishes above most things. The sanctity of his Prius is violated by a gang of hobos, calling themselves "Dirty Mike and the Boys". Early on in the film, Gamble's Prius is stolen. It is quickly recovered, but forensics investigators determine that a massive hobo orgy has taken place within the confines of Gamble's precious hybrid.

Let me repeat that: A massive hobo orgy inside of a Toyota Prius. Dirty Mike even leaves Gamble a note, thanking him for the use of his car as a den of iniquity. Later on, Gamble and Hoitz actually meet Dirty Mike (a nice cameo by director McKay) and the Boys, and the hobo king loudly proclaims that a second orgy will indeed take place in the soiled Prius.

That's gold, Jerry!

Second: Hoitz's repeated insistence that South American drug lords are actually behind the criminal conspiracy he and Gamble find themselves involved in. Logic be damned, a Colombian drug cartel is pulling the strings! Nonsensical, and funny.

Third: Polite Fisticuffs. Attending the funeral of supercops Highsmith and Danson, our heroes Hoitz and Gamble get into a very quiet rumble with douchebags Martin and Fosse. Captain Gene (Michael Keaton) breaks up the fight, admonishing his detectives in a hoarse whisper. Nobody wants to create a scene at the funeral. An awkward moment for all involved parties.

Fourth: Tuna V Lion. An argument breaks out between Hoitz and Gamble, concerning the disputed superiority of the proud African Lion against the seemingly humble Tuna. Gamble begins a long-winded rant about the power of the All Mighty Tunafish, and as he keeps speaking, the crazy goes up to 11.

By the time he's finished talking, he's painted a very vivid picture of an army of amphibious Tuna warriors marching over dry land with the help of a crude breathing apparatus fashioned from kelp, conquering the pathetic Lions of Africa with superior strength and numbers. Amazing.

Fifth: Bribes. Late in the game, Gamble and Hoitz are onto the slimy, Ponzi scheming Ershon. They confront the rich bastard, and he attempts to bribe them with courtside tickets to a New York Nicks game. Cut to: Hoitz and Gamble sitting courtside at a New York Nicks game, flanked by Rosie Perez, Brooke Shields, and Tracy Morgan. They eventually come to their senses and realize that they've been tricked, storming out of the arena.

Our heroes confront Ershon once again, and he attempts to bribe them with tickets to the sold-out Broadway hit "Jersey Boys". Cut to: Hoitz and Gamble sitting in the crowd, watching "Jersey Boys", absolutely enchanted by what they're seeing. Fucking genius.

Sixth: GATOR! Detective Gamble has a dark secret. Long ago, while attending college, he became a pimp. It started out innocently enough with a female friend asking Gamble to help her make some extra cash, so that she could afford her rising tuition. But the situation quickly spiraled out of control, and soon Gamble had a stable of coeds under his wing, earning and burning.

Gamble's modest clothing transforms into a garish Technicolor nightmare. His neck, fingers and teeth are covered in gold. He even adopted a new identity: GATOR. Now GATOR is Gamble's dark side. He's a cold, jive-talking, gruff voiced, mean motor scooter, quick to violence to keep his bitches in line.

This flashback sequence culminates in a shot of Will Ferrell-as-GATOR, clutching a chrome plated 9mm in one hand, and a shiny new switchblade in the other, his grotesque golden grill gleaming in harsh light. The camera zooms into GATOR's face, a mask of dead-eyed madness, as he presses the switchblade into his soft cheek.

I laughed so long, and so hard during this moment that I missed perhaps five minutes of the film. I literally could not control myself. This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen.

GATOR wins. Period.

Honorable Mention!

Michael Keaton as "Captain Gene". He randomly inserts TLC song titles into his dialogue. He has a second job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and he's just great. Unfortunately, Keaton has a disappointingly small role. That's the only real problem, here. He needed more screentime.

Sure, But Is Everything Duckie?

Of course, there are some things that don't really work, at least not for me. Rival detectives Martin and Fosse, for one. They're just douchebags. I can't recall them doing anything remotely entertaining. In fact, every time these two popped up onscreen, my excitement level immediately dropped.

Rob Riggle can be funny. He's just not funny in this movie. And Damon Wayans, Jr? No thank you. He not only inherited his father's very distinct voice (which is just plain damn weird), but also his father's middling comedic talent. I'm sure there are people who really enjoyed these two performances. I'm not one of them.

Another problem: The movie feels too long. It's only around 1 hour and 38 minutes without credits, but it still drags. Maybe if McKay cut out the Martin and Fosse characters...

The big shoot-out during the film's climax doesn't really work, either. The action choreography is

mediocre, and it seems forced into the story. Why does there need to be a big shoot-out? Because it's a genre cliche'? I didn't need this. The movie didn't need this. I was expecting a more clever resolution.

Sure, part of the big action sequence was set to "Icky Thump" by The White Stripes, a song that I love, but it didn't really help.

Please Stop Talking About This Movie

I don't want to sound too negative, here. Because I truly enjoyed "The Other Guys". Despite a few flaws, it's a very funny movie, and it's worth your time, Dear Imaginary Reader. I was surprised by the chemistry between Will Ferrell and Marky Mark. Sure, the latter stumbles from time to time, but he manages a few hilarious moments, and he serves as a flamboyant, angry counterpart to Ferrell's repressed character.

Some people don't think that Marky Mark is a terribly gifted comedic actor. I tell those people to watch "The Happening".

So "The Other Guys" was definitely worthwhile.

Because Nobody Demanded It!

Last month, the boys and I decided to make another episode of "The Real Face Of America". That's right, ladies and gentlemen! We made a sequel! Why, you don't ask? Why not, I defiantly exclaim!

The inaugural episode, focusing on the rise and fall of 80's porn sensation Melony Vine, was not exactly a hit on YouTube. To be fair, it has gathered 41 views in its 3+ months online, making it my second most-viewed video, beating my photoplay "Hatlander" by a hair.

It also managed to receive my first official "Dislike" from some disgruntled viewer. Most likely the fellow that posted the rather negative comment, admonishing the video for being amatuerish crap. He didn't even bother to watch the whole thing! I can't blame him for that. I suppose it just wasn't his cup of tea.

The video is amateur hour, though. And I make no apologies for that. All of my videos are amateurish crap. I don't claim to be a professional, or even a seasoned amatuer. I use sub-standard equipment to turn my sub-standard ideas into sub-standard reality.

I know I've said this before, but I basically only post my videos on Internet so that the handful of people that I consider friends can watch them. You see, we don't get to see each other very often, so putting my videos on YouTube allows them to watch the videos whenever they want.

Don't get me wrong, however. It's nice if somebody I don't know finds one of my videos and manages to enjoy it. That's great. Although I don't really understand how somebody else could enjoy these videos. They're made for a very specific, possibly brain-damaged audience.

I also think it's great that this random fellow actually "Disliked" my previous video. 99 percent of the people who have viewed my videos just watch them, and move on. Maybe they liked what they say, maybe they just didn't care for it. This guy actively hated his viewing experience so much so, that he had to share his displeasure with the world.

He had to take an extra second out of his very busy day to click the big "thumbs down" button underneath the video, to warn any future viewers that what they're about to see is awful. I like that. I mean, the guy (or gal, I suppose) actually felt something when he (or she) watched the video. That's great. You can't ask for more than that.

Back to my point, there's a brand-spanking-new episode of "RFA" out there on the series of tubes for you to hate, random person! This episode deals with a series of bizarre murders in a small town with a made-up sounding name. This episode was inspired, in part, by our previous photoplays "Night Ranger" and "Night Ranger 2". It features my good friend Titus in the role of a lifetime. Two roles, actually.

Is it any good? Well, I enjoy it. But I enjoyed the last episode of "RFA", so my taste is highly suspect. The production value, if you can call it that, is slightly higher this time around. I apologize for that. It's also substantially longer, so I doubt anyone will make it to the end of this little masterpiece. You can see it here or just visit my lonely little YouTube channel here.

If you like it, if you hate it, if you're indifferent toward it, and if you have any motivation left after watching this video has destroyed your will to live, let me know. Or don't. Either way, I'm good.