Samhain Forever!!!

This delightful blog now has its very own podcast! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The Book Of Lies begat The Podcast Of Lies!

Our inaugural episode, entitled "The Horror Show", was recorded on October 28th, and it features myself (Dustin) and my dear cousin (Ky). We discuss all manner of Halloween-related ephemera, including our favorite horror movies, what scared us as children, and the television output of one Mr. Stephen King.

There's no structure to the whole endeavor. It's really just a couple of dudes hanging out late at night, shooting the shit. We laugh, we cry, we talk about "Ravenous". You can give it a listen below, or visit our podcast page here.

Have a happy Halloween, Dear Imaginary Reader!



P.S. - There will be a review of "Jackass 3D" in some form in the very near future, as well as a discussion about the "Saw" franchise. Yes, I am seeing "Saw 3D: The Traps Come Alive" today. And I did watch the previous 6 (!?) entries in the series over the last several days. I'm still not sure why.

John Malkovich is Hunter S. Thompson in "RED"

"RED" is an acronym for "Retired Extremely Dangerous". It's also a movie starring Bruce Willis, and directed by Robert Schwentke, the German dude who directed the dismal Jodie Foster thriller "Flightplan". It's also a lot of fun.

Very loosely based on the Warren Ellis-scripted comic book mini-series, "RED" follows our hero, retired CIA operative Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), as he tries to adjust to life outside the agency. He putters around the house in his bathrobe. He works out vigorously. He decorates his lovely suburban home for the holidays. Mostly, he just looks depressed and directionless. Poor Frank is having a hard time living as a civilian.

In fact, Frank's only fleeting moments of happiness are the occassions when his pension checks arrive in the mail. Because then he gets to tear them up and call Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), a pension office customer service representative in Kansas City. He tells her that his check got lost in the mail (again), but it's really just an excuse for him to have a conversation with the lady. Sarah reads trashy romance novels filled with passion, danger and intrigue. Frank reads them too, in order to have something to discuss with her. I guess this is sweet, but it's also a little creepy.

Late one evening, Frank's house is besieged by a gaggle of heavily armed assassins. The old man goes to toe-to-toe with several of them, dispatching the goons with impunity, before rigging the house to explode. A second group of bad guys unloads on the house, apparently using every bullet in the Western Hemisphere. The house blows up, and Frank makes his escape.

This sets up the main plot, involving Frank's trek across the United States, tracking down the members of his old team. Frank figures that if somebody is targeting him, then the rest of his crew must also be in jeopardy. So badass Frank's gonna get the band back together, figure out who's hunting them, then turn the tables on the unfortunate souls who dared to fuck with the once and future John McClane.

He also kidnaps Sarah, because, as a known associate of Frank, she is also a target. He tries to be a gentleman, but his social skills are a little rusty. Eventually, of course, Sarah realizes that Frank isn't a lunatic, but her knight in shining armour. Until then, hilarity ensues as he ties up his would-be girlfriend and drags her across the country, rambling about a black-ops hit squad hot on their tails. Ah, courtship.

We are introduced Frank's old pals Marvin (John Malkovich), Joe (Morgan Freeman), Victoria (Helen Mirren), and Ivan (Brian Cox), who all have their little quirks. Ivan, being an old school Russian, loves his Vodka (and his "one who got away"), Victoria enjoys the odd mercenary job in her spare time away from acting like Martha Stewart. Marvin's brain has been fried from repeated dosages of LSD, and sees  conspiracies everywhere. And Joe has terminal cancer.

Our Social Security Expendables are out for justice, working to figure out who wants them dead. They're armed to the teeth, and they're very cranky. And they're being pursued by young hot-shot agent William Cooper (Karl Urban), a killer with a heart, as evidenced by the loving family waiting for him at home. Let's hope he manages to blow Frank's brains out quickly, so he can get back home in time to catch little Billy's soccer game!

There's a story here, but it doesn't matter. Some bullshit about an old operation in Guatemala back in 1981. Richard Dreyfuss wants everybody involved with the mission dead. He's in cahoots with the current Vice-President, who, as a greenhorn military man, lost his shit in Guatemala and massacred an entire village. Some reporter we never see found out about the cover-up, and was murdered before her story could go public. A list of potential sources found on her corpse included the names of Frank Moses and his old comrades. So now Richard Dreyfuss and his pal Post-Traumatic Bobby are using the CIA to clean up their mess.

This is all just an excuse to have Nelson Mandela dress up as a member of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and slap the shit out of Matt Hooper. And it's worth it.

I didn't give a damn about the story. It's just a skeleton that exists to support a patchwork monster of loud action sequences and funny banter. The movie's a blast, honestly.

Bruce Willis manages to have a little fun with his lead role, something I haven't seen from him since "The Whole Nine Yards" (yes, I enjoy that movie). As he tries to have an honest conversation with Sarah, who is tied to a hotel bed, his face takes on a very sincere, earnest quality as he explains their situation in a very calm, soothing voice. As this one-sided conversation slowly tranforms into some light flirting on Frank's part, the "creepy stalker" vibe returns. It's very funny. I'm glad Willis still has it in him to actually act from time to time.

Mary-Louise Parker is entertaining as Sarah, although she has little to do aside from filling the obligatory "damsel in distress" role. She really gets into things when she realizes that the situation she's in is eerily similar to the plotlines to those dreadful romance novels she obsessively reads. This allows the character to be a little proactive for a change, which is nice. Parker doesn't get enough leeway as she does on her Showtime series "Weeds", but this is a PG-13 film, and her Nancy Botwin sure does love to say the f-word.

Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren are the kind of actors who can entertain an audience in their sleep. Their roles in the film are not terribly large, which I found disappointing, but they do make the most of their limited screentime. A stupid plot contrivance forces Freeman's character off-screen for nearly half the film after an introduction early on, which was entirely unnecessary. And his stage four cancer ensures that he won't be back for a sequel.

Helen Mirren is fun playing a prim and proper lady of a certain age who loves spending time in the woods with a high-power sniper rifle, or firing a .50 caliber machine gun in a parking garage. Her relationship with Brian Cox's "Ivan" is charming. Ivan and Victoria were lovers once upon a time, but she was tasked with eliminating the then-KGB spy, and shot him three times in the chest. But she deliberately missed his heart, sparing his life. Ain't love grand?

Karl Urban does a fine job as the dogged Agent Cooper, who is much more than a one-dimensional antagonist. He's a company man just doing his job, thinking that Frank and his team are a clear and present danger to the United States. When the truth comes out, Cooper's moral integrity surprises his superiors.

But those guys (and gal) are small potatoes. This is the John Malkovich show. His "Marvin" is introduced relatively early, and becomes Frank's de facto partner. The way Malkovich portrays the character is inspired. Poor drug-addled Marvin is a bundle of nervous tics and conspiracy theories. He's the principal source of comic relief in the film, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Whether he's blowing up bad guys with a grenade launcher at an airport, chasing after the Vice-President with a bomb strapped to his waist and screaming like a loon, or simply standing in the background, clutching his stuffed pig, the man is a laugh riot. Malkovich's performance reminded me of Jason Patric in "The Losers". Not that the two performances were similar. No, Patric's villain was a Walken-esque brand of subdued lunacy. Malkovich is over-the-top, unhinged brilliance.

The similarity to me lies in their turns hosting "Saturday Night Live". Both were actors known for their dramatic work, and they both did an admirable job handling some truly bizarre comedy sketches. Their sojourns into big screen comedy are so rare, and yet they're both so good at comedy it boggles my mind that they're not hired more frequently for this work.

The last scene of "RED", where we see Frank pushing a dress-wearing Marvin in a wheelbarrow, clutching some stolen nuclear material, fleeing an armed militia in Moldova sent me out of the theatre with a smile on my face. I hope this movie makes good money, and we see an eventual sequel featuring this odd couple of over-the-hill ex-CIA operatives traveling the globe, getting into trouble.

Nice to see Ernest Borgnine again. If he's still alive, someone needs to give him a gun and set him loose in the sequel.

In the end, there's no real depth to be found here, but that's okay. "RED" is not striving for depth. It's not the next "Die Hard" or "Lethal Weapon". It's more like the next "Loose Cannons" or "Red Heat". And that's not a bad thing. Not every action movie is reaching for the stars.

"RED" isn't ever going to be called a "classic". It's the kind of movie you watch on cable and enjoy. You'll take away a few choice lines of dialogue, and you'll fondly remember some of the performances and action beats. You might recommend it to your friends, and they'll probably enjoy it, too. It's just a good time. Sometimes that's all you really want.

The Tale Of The Empty Auditorium...

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What the hell is this? Another video review? Yeah, I don't get it, either. Anyway, Wes Craven's back with a brand-new horror flick! In 3D! Cops, Kids, Crazy People and Condors populate the first script Craven has written since "New Nightmare". So is it any good? (Here's a hint: NO.) Watch this excrutiatingly long video review to find out!

A review of the latest John Malkovich Joint,"RED" will be posted eventually. In glorious "Retro-Text!"

Odd-Looking Men Talk About That Facebook Movie!

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A brand-new scattershot review from me and my pal Ky. David Fincher's latest opus is discussed. Poorly. Is "The Social Network" worth your valuable money? Judging by the box office results, you've already made your choice, and have no reason to watch this! But do it, anyway! Because you've got nothing better to do.

P.S. - This video was inspired by a lovely e-mail I received from a reader of this very blog. In this e-mail, a response to my "Resident Evil Afterlife 3D" semi-video review, the reader told me that I should just stick to written reviews becuse my voice is "a nightmare". This full video review of "The Social Network" is for you, Dear Reader. If you thought my voice was a nightmare, wait until you see my face!

Oliver Stone Hates His Own Career!

So... "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps"!

I'm a fan of Oliver Stone's original "Wall Street". The story grabbed me, and the worthwhile performances by Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Hal Holbrook and Terence Stamp were phenomenal. But I never really wanted a sequel to the film. I didn't think we really needed one. So when it was announced that 20th Century Fox was actually making a sequel over 20 year later, I just shrugged. I couldn't muster any enthusiasm for it.

So why the hell did I see the sequel? In short, because I was bored, and didn't have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon. That's how shit like this happens.

So 1987's "Wall Street" ended with Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) going to the pokey. No, I guess it didn't. His protégé-turned-nemesis Bud Fox (Chuck Sheen) wore a wire and got Gordon to say some pretty incriminating things on tape, which he then turned over to the feds in exchange for leniency in his own impending securities fraud (and insider trading!) trial.

Bud was determined that if he was going to the big house, then dammit, his old pal Gordy was, too. And that's where we left everyone's favorite soulless, cigar-chomping douchebag for 23 years, until 20th Century Fox lured Oliver Stone back to direct the sequel.

You see, Stone hasn't had anything approaching a hit film since 1999's "Any Given Sunday", and some would argue that he hasn't made a "great" film since either "Natural Born Killers" in 1994, or "JFK" in 1991, depending on who you ask. And after the dismal failure that was "Alexander" (which I actually enjoyed), and the mediocre "World Trade Center", maybe Oliver Stone thought that making a sequel to his 1987 hit would suddenly be relevant in these tough economic times.

Or maybe he's just desperate. Who the hell knows?

"Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" opens way back in the year 2001, with Gordon Gekko's release from prison after an 8 year sentence. Considering the original film took place in 1987, that means Gekko stayed out of prison until 1993. Damn, the wheels of justice turn slowly, don't they?

A limo pulls up in front of the prison, and Gekko has the temerity to believe that the limo is for him. How cute. No, the sweet ride is actually for some other dude who got out of the slammer on the same day. So now poor Gordy is left alone in front of prison, with nobody coming to pick him up. Doesn't that just break your heart?

Cut to: 7 years later. Wait, what? Yes! The story just decides to skip over the story of Gordon Gekko trying to put his life back together outside of prison, and drops us in the delightful apartment shared by Jake and Winnie, two crazy kids just trying to make it work in a world gone mad. Jake is a trader for an investment firm called Keller Zabel, and Winnie does... I think she writes for a non-profit green tech website, or something. I don't really give a shit.

Jake's watching a story about Gordon Gekko on TV. Gekko got bored since we last saw him, and decided to write a book called "Is Greed Good?" And now he's all over the boob tube talking about his brilliant literary work. Jake watches the news story with the dumb grin of an obese child watching his doting mother pull a fresh apple pie out of the oven. I think I'm trying to say that Jake wants to suck Gordon's Gekko.

Winnie bursts in, snatches the remote, turns off the TV, and throws it across the room. The remote, not the TV. She doesn't like seeing Gekko on TV, because she hates her father. That's right, Shia LaBeouf is boning the offspring of Michael Douglas and Sean Young. Considering her genetic stock, the fact that she grew up to resemble a slightly deformed clone of Katie Holmes with a bowlcut is rather disappointing.

Gekko must have conceived this darling child before he went to jail, because in "Wall Street", he only had one kid, and that kid had a penis. For a while during this movie, I thought I was going insane, or perhaps the writers were idiots who forgot that Gordon Gekko only had a son in the first movie. Then I thought maybe "Winnie" was actually Rudy Gekko, who got a sex change later in life and changed his/her first name. But no, we're told that poor Rudy eventually became a junkie and overdosed on some heroin, or crack, or whatever, because his dad was a convict asshole and boo hoo hoo. That's why Winnie hates her old man, I suppose. Because I guess Gordon hooked his kid up with some of his high-end Manhattan dealers before he was sent away.

Keller Zabel shits the bed, because the entire economy is on the verge of collapse, and Frank Langella tries to negotiate a bailout. Josh Brolin steps in, gives Langella the finger, and presents a ludicously cheap counter-offer to buy-out the firm. Langella accepts, wanders around like a confused old man, then jumps in front of a subway train. Somewhere, Josh Brolin laughs maniacally.

You see, Brolin is the head of a rival firm that hit the skids several years earlier. When he came to Langella's firm, asking for a bailout, Langella told Brolin to shove his bailout up his ass, and go ask his new stepmother for the money. But Josh Brolin got pissed off and saved his own firm without Skeletor's help, and now he's on top of the world. So Brolin's really just paying it forward.

Jake is distraught, because Frank Langella was like a father to him, or some shit. Winnie gives him a big hug, and he feels better.

I will now recap the rest of the plot in one really long run-on sentence, because I am already sick of talking about this movie.

Jake meets Gordon Gekko, they become best pals, Josh Brolin offers Jake a job at his firm, Jake accepts because he wants to go deep undercover and fuck Brolin's shit up from the inside like a tapeworm, Gekko uses Jake to get closer to his estranged daughter, the economy dies of a broken heart, Jake and Brolin have a big bike race, the ghost of Skeletor pops up, Brolin does something to piss off Jake involving fusion technology, Jake quits, Gordon tells Jake that he set up a trust in his daughter's name in Switzerland worth 100 million dollars, and that he would give Jake that money to save his wacky scientist pal's fusion research company, Jake talks Winnie into getting the money from Switzerland, Gordon gets the money and fucks off with it to go play God with other people's money in England, Winnie being pregnant and angry, kicks Jake to the curb, and he flies over to the UK to have it out with Gordon, shows him an ultrasound video of his unborn grandson, but Gordon tells Jake to hit the bricks because he's an asshole, Jake does some digging back in NYC and finds some dirt on Brolin, giving it to Winnie so that she can publish it on the web and sink Brolin's career, she does and Brolin takes a fall, Eli Wallach's reanimated corpse shows up and whistles, Brolin's firm comes crawling back to Gordon Gekko, and they all take turns sucking his dick because he's awesome, Jake and Winnie get back together, Gordon swoops in with 100 million bucks and saves the wacky scientist's company, and the film ends with a big party and everybody's fucking happy.

God, I don't like this fucking movie. I tried, I really tried. But this shit just didn't work for me. Gordon Gekko is a supporting player in this movie, which focuses on the boring lives of Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan. Josh Brolin doesn't bring anything to the table as the moustache-twirling villain, and Frank Langella just looks like an old man struggling with dementia who got lost and wandered onto a film set. Michael Douglas is fine in the role (for the most part), but he simply doesn't have enough screen time.

And what's this bullshit about Josh Brolin being the real cause of Gordon Gekko's 8 years of incarceration? We all thought Bud Fox was the guy who screwed Gekko, but no, it was Josh Brolin, the guy we never even fucking met in the first film! He's the sleazy scumbag who sold out Gekko and got him sent to prison, not Bud Fox! That asshole's small potatoes. Fuck that.

This is a serious problem, in my opinion. Charlie Sheen actually shows up as Bud Fox for a cameo in the film, and it did nothing but remind me of a much better movie called "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" that exists in a parallel dimension. When Gordon comes across his old pal Bud at a party, we find out that Bud finally became the soulless, money-obsessed dick his father was always worried he would become, and that he actually sold off Bluestar Airlines, the company that Bud swam through a world of shit to save in the first film.

This scene should have been the seed of a better sequel. A film where Gordon Gekko gets out of prison and tries to start over. He finds out that Bud Fox managed to avoid jail time for his part in the events of the original film, and that he's essentially the new "Gordon Gekko" on the street. So Gekko sets his sights on taking down his old protégé and rebuilding his own empire in the process. He could try to reconcile with his estranged wife and son (no daughter) while he wrestles with the fact that while Bud Fox is a monster of sorts, he's a monster that Gekko himself essentially created. And yes, the story could still be set against the backdrop of the economic collapse of 2008.

You could even throw in Shia LaBeouf as an idealistic young trader who Gekko uses as his soldier in the field against his nemesis Bud Fox. Gekko could position himself as the man behind-the-scenes while LaBeouf is the public face, his weapon against Fox. That way the film could still tread on the familiar ground of corruption and the loss of innocence, and LaBeouf's character could actually have a real crisis of conscience in this film, instead of being such a fucking Dudley Do Right.

That's not what we got, however. No, the Oliver Stone of 1987 gave us a "Wall Street" with shades of grey, with characters that felt more like real people dealing with real human problems, and an ambiguous, darker ending where nobody gets away clean. The Oliver Stone of 2010 gave us a "Wall Street" with two dimensional caricatures, one-dimensional villains, and a big, sappy, wet fart of a conclusion.

I hate the Oliver Stone of 2010.

On a positive note, I did love the musical contributions from David Byrne and Brian Eno in the film. But I already owned their fantastic album, "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today", so I guess this movie was completey worthless.

Reviews of "The Social Network" and "My Soul To Take in 3D" are coming soon, for the 12 people who actually read this damned blog. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink some whiskey and watch "Sons Of Anarchy" on iTunes because Dish Network hates me.