It's finally here, boils and ghouls. Can you feel that in the air? That electric tingle that makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? That involuntary shiver coursing down your spine? Your palms are sweaty, your mouth is dry, and your heart is pounding in your chest.
Either it's All Hallows Eve, or you're having a heart attack. Either way, you should probably call 911, just to be sure.
But before you drop dead, join me for a few moments as I commemorate this delightfully frightful holiday the squares call "Halloween".
Perhaps you know the origins of this wonderful holiday, and perhaps you don't. Perhaps you're one of the cynical souls who believes that Halloween was manufactured by the world's candy cartels to ensnare the children in their sugar-coated racket. Or perhaps it was the nefarious American Dental Association's plan to get the kiddies hooked on the sweet stuff, in order to fill their coffers with all that cavity money.
But that's all bullshit. The holiday's true origins lie in the Celtic festival of Samhain, marking the final harvest and the beginning of the long, cold winter months. On this night, the barriers separating the worlds of the living and the dead would grow thin, and the deceased would walk among us. People would set an extra place at their dinner table for any visiting spirits, and children would don grotesque masks to confuse any malevolent entities that prowled the night, searching for a living victim to drag kicking and screaming into the underworld.
Ah, those were the days, weren't they?
These days, everybody's dressing up as a slutty nurse or a slutty witch, and I don't think that's going to trick any ghouls that walk the earth. If anything, it would just excite them further. And the only malevolent entities the children are worried about are the creepy pedophiles that search for a living victim to drag kicking and screaming into their soundproof basement. That just doesn't have the same charm, does it?
Be that as it may, let me take this opportunity to wish you believers a very happy Halloween, and for those of you who don't believe, I sincerely hope you suffer a terrible, stomach-churning fate before the clock strikes midnight. It's only fair.
The Beast Must Feed.
And now allow me entertain you with a few things I found on the internet that will help get you in the proper spirit. First up, allow the dulcet tones of the incomparable Tim Curry to serenade you with his chilling rendition of "Anything Can Happen On Halloween"...
That was fun, wasn't it? Man, the 1980's were fucking weird. I lived through (most of) the decade, and I still can't believe it was real. It's like some half-remembered fever dream that doesn't make any logical sense, but it incessantly haunts you until your dying day. Or is that herpes?
Moving right along, gather your cherubic children around the screen and watch this next short entertainment, courtesy of a world-renowned manufacturer of Halloween-themed novelties. Oh, and make sure your kids are wearing their Silver Shamrock masks. It heightens the effect.
So... that was something, huh? I suppose I should have provided a warning to any unfortunate epileptics out there. But that's neither here nor there.
Up next, a bone-chilling little short film from... wait, I made this!? Holy shit. That's right, it's the modern classic thriller Fire It Up! from your friends at Fenderman Incorporated. You might want to have an extra pair of shorts handy, because this one is so scary, you'll probably piss yourself.
How's that for a warning?!
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