Knight And Day Of The Dead

Knight And Day

I'll start off with this: I have no problems with Tom Cruise. Sure, he's a Scientologist. Sure, he's probably mentally unstable. But I don't give a shit about his personal life. On the big screen, he's a pretty consistently entertaining person. He's the kind of guy who throws himself into a role, the kind of guy who really seems to relish the job.

Is he always great? No, of course not. Nobody has a perfect track record. Even Marlon Brando starred in some garbage. But even when he's been woefully miscast (Interview With The Vampire) or clearly out of his depth (The Color Of Money), the guy is always trying. I respect the guy for that. I always will. He's always been an interesting actor to follow.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm the guy who liked "The Last Samurai".

So what about "Knight and Day"?

When this project was first announced, it was called "Wichita". Living in Wichita, I was understandably intrigued. My big question was "why the fuck is this movie called 'Wichita'?" Of course, it didn't take long for the project's title to change. Who the hell is going to see a movie called "Wichita", anyway? People in Wichita, sure. But there are only around 400,000 people in the greater metropolitan area, and that's not a very big audience for an expensive Hollywood blockbuster.

So "Wichita" became "Knight and Day".

My mother was very excited to see this movie. I guess it looked like a good time. So she ended up taking me, my brother, my cousin Ky, and his mother to see "Knight and Day" on Sunday afternoon. It was just a big, old-fashioned family affair. Hooray!

Now my local movie house recently upgraded their surround sound systems to a brand-spanking new, state-of-the-art 7.1 "Sensurround"-esque soundscape. I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. In short, I think it was too loud. Annoyingly loud. The action moments were so oppressively noisy, I walked out of the theatre with a splitting headache. The bass was tuned up so high that it rattled my ribcage, like it does at a big, loud rock concert. Overkill.

Jesus, maybe I'm just getting old.

Onto the movie, itself.

The film opens in "Wichita, Kansas", at "Mid-Continent Airport". Now I put these names in quotes because to anyone who has ever been to Wichita's delightful Mid-Continent Airport, you will not recognize any of this. Now I don't blame the filmmakers for this. Why would they take time out of their busy schedule to film on-location in Wichita? I love my hometown, and even I understand.

It's just a little jarring. That's all.

Cameron Diaz, a successful follower of the Auschwitz Diet Plan, is a greaser mechanic named June, and she came to Wichita to pick up some car parts for her father's old GTO. Apparently, the best scrap is found in Kansas. Thanks. She wants to finish restoring the old Goat in time to present it as a wedding gift for her sister, April, in three days.

She "bumps into" Roy Miller (Tom Cruise) twice: Once before the security check, and once again shortly afterward. Suspicious? They both happen to be booked on the same flight for Boston, but June is turned away at the gate. Apparently, the flight was already fully booked, and they sold June her ticket by mistake. Walking past her, Roy mysteriously says that "sometimes things happen for a reason..."

Cut to boring Peter Sarsgaard, playing an agent of the FBI or the CIA, I don't care which. He's just so boring. The best thing he ever did was get knifed to death by a crazy midget in "Orphan". Anyway, his Agent Fitzgerald is watching security camera feeds from the airport, and he notices June's repeated contact with Miller. He surmises that she might be working with Miller, and pulls some strings to get her back on the plane.

When June finally enters the plane, she notices that only a handful of the seats are filled. The plane takes off, she flirts with Miller a bit, then goes to the bathroom. As soon as she closes the door, everybody on the plane starts trying to kill Miller. Being awesome, Miller kills everybody, including the pilot, who accidentally shoots his co-pilot as he dies.

So, if everybody onboard was working with Fitzgerald, does that mean that Miller bought up every ticket on the flight? Is that why June was turned away? Obviously, he knew that everybody on the plane was going to try and kill him, beforehand. This point is never actually explained, and it bothered me a little.

June eventually leaves the bathroom, and she's so oblivious as she walks back to her seat that she doesn't notice that everybody except for Roy is dead. He gives her a cocktail and tells her exactly what happened. She doesn't believe him, of course. Until she actually looks around and sees all of the dead people. She freaks out, and Roy lands the plane in a cornfield. He drugs her, and as she drifts off to Sleepytown, he tells her that other agents will come asking questions.

Roy tells June not to get into a car with them, and that if she hears the use words like "secure" and "safe", then they're going to try and kill her. Basically, he tells her to just run if anybody wearing a cheap suit and big sunglasses comes looking for her.

June wakes up at home in Boston, pretending that the last several hours of her life never happened. She goes to a fitting for her bridesmaids dress wearing a pair of old boots! Isn't that just so fucking quirky!?

Of course, a gaggle of G-Men appear, and of course, she gets into their car. They use words like "safe" and "secure", and June gets scared. Roy shows up on a motorcycle and kills a bunch of people, and for June, the shit gets real.

June runs away, finding her ex-boyfriend Rodney, a fireman with an annoying moustache. She attempts to explain her plight to Rodney over pie, as Roy walks in. June gets all bug-eyed, telling Rodney that this is the crazy guy who kidnapped her, or whatever. Unphased, Roy has a short but pleasant conversation with Rodney about how much he admires firefighters.

This scene is very funny. Roy sounds so genuine in his conversation with poor Rodney. It seems like these two could be friends in another life.

Roy then handcuffs June and produces a gun, putting on a big show for all of the people in the diner. As the pair exit the diner, he tells the waitresses to give everybody free pie, but no ice cream. Because pie a la mode makes your legs weak. Abraham Lincoln knew that, and that's why he got murdered.

Yeah, I don't know what that means, either.

Rodney follows Roy and June out of the diner, and Roy, who warned Rodney to stay inside, shoots the firefighter in his thigh. Not to worry, though. Roy explains to his new friend that it's only a fleshwound, and that he'll probably get a commendation for his bravery. Now the globe-trotting adventure begins.

It's kind of nice to see a big action movie that actually goes places. The movie filmed in exotic locations all over the world, and it shows. I appreciate it.

The rest of the movie concerns agent Fitzgerald chasing Roy around the world, because Roy is in possession of a unique battery codenamed "Zephyr", a source of seemingly limitless power. The battery was invented by a young genius named Simon Feck, played by Paul Dano.

Now Paul Dano sucks in this movie. He's a jittery, annoying little twerp who loves Hall & Oates and is cursed with some of the worst facial hair I have ever seen. His shitty little moustache reminds me of the fake facial hair a particularly resourceful nerd would slap on his face when he dresses up like a klingon at a Star Trek convention.

You know the kind. It looks like garbage, but the nerd is so proud of it, because he groomed it himself and applied it to his greasy face with copious amounts of spirit gum. He thinks it looks cool, and he doesn't care what anybody else thinks.

Fitzgerald wants the Zephyr because he plans to sell it to a Spanish arms dealer named Antonio. Roy found out about Fitzgerald's plan and stole the battery, along with young Mr. Feck, to keep them both safe. Fitzgerald made up a bunch of bullshit about Roy going rogue in order to use the resources of his agency to hunt Roy down.

There's a moment in the film where June follows Roy around some Spanish city in the middle of the night. She overhears a conversation between Roy and a lovely lady and Roy implies that he's willing to sell the Zephyr to Antonio. Feeling betrayed, she gets picked up by the CIA, and they show her security camera footage from the airport in Wichita that shows Roy using June's luggage to smuggle the Zephyr through the security checkpoint. Apparently, this is damning evidence of Roy's douchebaggery, and she decides to help the CIA trap Roy.

A big chase ensues, and Roy is seemingly killed, falling into a river. Maybe it was a lake. I don't know. June decides that it's time to move on with her life, and goes back home to Boston. Feeling curious, she visits an address she remembers from Roy's phone, and meets Roy's parents.

It turns out that "Roy Miller" is a cover name. His real name is Matthew Knight, and as far as his parents know, he died during Operation Desert Storm. His parents are also incredibly wealthy, because they won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes a few times, and they've also won the lottery. Although neither of them remember buying lottery tickets or anything like that.

Do you get it, yet? Knight is a fucking good guy. He's taking excellent care of parents from beyond the grave. And his parents are also mentally challenged.

June leaves a message on her answering machine telling "whoever is listening" that she's got the Zephyr. Antonio's goons drug her and take her back to Spain, because that's what she wanted, anyway. She just wants to get back to Roy, dammit!

By this point, the whole "June gets drugged" theme is just fucking grating. She gets knocked out at least four times in the movie. Enough, already.

I don't really know what happens next. It seems that Roy orchestrated the whole "I'm going to pretend to sell the Zephyr to Antonio" plot to clear June's name and get her back home, safe and sound. That doesn't make any sense if you actually break it down, but whatever.

But Roy also cleared June's name when he kidnapped her from the diner. That's why he put on the show for all of the patrons; he knew that Fitzgerald would be viewing the security camera feeds from the diner, and would assume that June was Roy's victim.

So why the fuck does Roy go through the trouble of keeping her with him at all times when he explicitly states that he was trying to keep her out of the whole situation?

The plot is bullshit, anyway.

So after a few more big, loud action sequences, Fitzgerald kidnaps Simon, and proposes a trade to Roy: the kid for the battery. Roy throws the battery to his enemy, and Simon mumbles something, and this pisses Fitzgerald off, so he decides to shoot Simon. Roy leaps in front of Simon and takes the bullet.

It looks like Fitzgerald is getting away with his nefarious plan, but fret not. It's been established that the Zephyr is unstable, growing increasingly hotter as the film pregresses. So obviously it explodes moments after Fitzgerald's seaplane takes off. Obviously.

With Simon safe, Roy convalesces in a hospital that I assume is in America. His old CIA boss visits him, telling him that with his name cleared, he'll be back to work in no time. She also tells him that he'll soon be moved to a "secure" facility. For his "safety". Uh-oh!

Luckily June, who is furiously in love with Roy, dresses up like a doctor (still wearing those old boots! So fucking quirky!) and sneaks into the hospital. She drugs Roy (Turnabout! Fairplay!) and gets him out of the hospital. Together, they ride South in her GTO, en route to Cape Horn.

Roll credits.

I didn't particularly like this movie. The plot sucks. There are holes in the story large enough to drive a truck through. Most of the actors are merely phoning in their performances. And Cameron Diaz? Where do I start? She's never been a very good actress. And she's never been the sexiest starlet in Hollywood. But she used to look good.

She looks like fucking Skeletor in this movie. Like a ruined mannequin. And for some inexpicable reason, James Mangold thought it was a good idea to get this woman into a bikini for twenty minutes. Cameron Diaz has no business wearing a bikini. She looked hideous. I'm going to have nightmares about Cameron Diaz in that bikini.

Maybe I'm being too hard on her. I don't think so, but maybe I am. But dammit, this is my blog, and I can say whatever the fuck I want to say! My psychiatrist said I could!

Cameron Diaz sucks in "Knight and Day". She looks like a Universal movie monster created by the legendary Jack Pierce. She just screams and flails through her role. And she has no chemistry with Tom Cruise. God, I am tired of typing variations of that phrase. But I only type it because it's true.

This film's only saving grace is Tom Cruise. Because he's actually trying. He's funny, he's likeable, and he's a credible man of action. But that's no surprise. Because he's fucking Tom Cruise, and he knows what he's doing.

There's a surprising amount of rather shoddy digital effects in the film. James Mangold directs the movie with very little flair. The script is flat. I don't know why the film tries to convince the audience that Tom Cruise may actually be a rogue agent. Of course, he's not a fucking rogue agent! Stop insulting us by attempting to throw us so many curveballs! It doesn't work!

In the end, "Knight and Day" is a disposable, noisy, overly long movie with very little to praise. Except for Tom Cruise. It's not setting the box office on fire, and that makes sense. Soon, this movie will fade from the collective memory, and people will forget that it exists. This is a good thing.

The Lost Weekend

I didn't see any movies on the weekend of June 18th. There was just nothing I wanted to see. I don't care about "Toy Story 3" and "Jonah Hex" looked dreadful.

Now I don't have any real beef with "Toy Story 3". I'm sure it's a fine, entertaining motion picture. Yet I have no interest in it. I never even saw "Toy Story 2". I would just prefer it if Pixar focused on original properties. Stop wasting time with sequels and make another unique and enchanting motion picture. Those folks are good at that. But with sequels to "Monsters Inc." and "Cars" on the way, it seems like Pixar is stuck in franchise mode.

As for "Jonah Hex", the trailer just looked like shit. I saw nothing in that trailer that made me want to see the film. Josh Brolin looked utterly bored and uncomfortable in his make-up. Megan Fox looked like a blow-up doll. The film looked cheap. I was just completely turned off.

I'm not even a big fan of the "Jonah Hex" comics. I read a few good stories back in the '80's, but I never felt compelled to follow the character. His look always bugged me. His right eye was always drawn two sizes larger than it could ever possibly be. I understand that he's horribly scarred and his eyelids are burned away, but that's no excuse for the eye itself to look like a bloated condom.

And that stupid flap of skin over his mouth? Come on. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would any event that would ruin the right half of his face cause his skin to run over his lips like nacho cheese and harden there? And why wouldn't Hex just pull out his hunting knife and cut that fucking flap of skin off? He's supposed to be a big badass, why would that be a problem for him?

It would hinder his ability to speak. It clearly does so for Josh Brolin, according to the trailer. He can't open his fucking mouth, for pity's sake! He has to growl out all of his lines. He sounds nearly unintelligible. The filmmakers clearly thought the massive eye was stupid, so they nixed that aspect of the Jonah Hex make-up. Why didn't they remove the mouth flap, as well?

Sure, some people consider it iconic, an integral part of Jonah Hex's look, but then so is his ruined fucking eye. If you're going to remove one stupid aspect of his scarring, then go whole hog and remove the skin flap, too.

It seems to me that when whoever created Jonah Hex thought the character up, he probably just had a big hole in his right cheek, that exposed his molars. The skin flap was just the remaining portion of his cheek, next to his lips. If this is true, then why did his look "evolve" into its current state? And if this is not true, then why the fuck not?!

Neveldine and Taylor should have been allowed to make the bugfuck crazy version of "Jonah Hex" that they originally wrote. That would have been a sight to behold. I would have paid money to see that movie.

Brothers Will Be Brothers

I watched a movie last night called "The Long Riders", about the James-Younger gang. I watched it on a whim. It was on cable, and I tuned in. I tuned in because the program guide told me that it starred David Carradine, Keith Carradine, and Robert Carradine. I couldn't let that opportunity pass me by.

The Carradine boys all starred in the same movie? No fucking way!

As the opening credits rolled, I was astonished to see that Stacy and James Keach were also in the film. Also: Dennis and Randy Quaid! What the fuck? How did this movie exist? It was just amazing. And they were all playing brothers! The Carradines played the Younger brothers. The Keaches played the James boys. And the Quaids played the Millers.

That's brilliant casting, right there. Brothers playing brothers. It's elegant in its simplicity.

Later on, Pamela Reed showed up. She played a prostitute who was in love with David Carradine. That makes sense. I mean, it's David Carradine. Of course she's in love with him. She also showed off her lovely rear end in a touching bathtub scene. Good work.

Then James Remar showed up as Pamela Reed's wife, and he got into a knife fight with David Carradine. This scene just came out of nowhere, and it was awesome.

"The Long Riders" is actually a pretty decent movie. Walter Hill directed, and he did a good job. The cinematography is intermittently beautiful. The music, by Ry Cooder, is memorable but never intrusive.

And the climactic sequence involving a botched bank robbery in Minnesota is very tense and effective. Every time a Carradine gets shot, it looks painful. And the Carradines get shot a lot during this sequence. You can definitely see the "Wild Bunch" influence in the sequence, and it serves as a nice homage.

The only problem the film has is named James Keach. God, that guy is fucking boring. He has no charisma. And he's playing Jesse James! What a stupid move. Of course, he's playing Jesse James, because he co-wrote and co-produced the film with his brother Stacey. It's just such a damned shame that he's playing such an iconic individual. Because he fails.

Luckily, the movie focuses more on David Carradine as Cole Younger. He's really the star of the film. I'm not sure if this was how the film was written, or if Walter Hill saw the dailies and realized that James Keach's performance was so fucking terrible and decided to cut a lot of his scenes. Either way, the film is better for changing the focus from Jesse James to Cole Younger.

And when Christopher Guest and his brother Nick showed up as Charlie and Robert Ford to blast a hole in James Keach's head, my brain melted. Christopher Guest? And his brother? The almost fetishistic casting in this film nearly drove me insane.

I'm glad I watched "The Long Riders". It was fun.

Creativity?

I'm getting ready to shoot another episode of "The Real Face Of America", for the two people in the world who care. I'm going to actually work harder on this one. I'm going to try and write the narration this time, so it flows better. I'm not sure when circumstances will allow me to shoot the damned thing, but when it happens, you, Dear Imaginary Reader, will know.

I've also become rather obsessed with another project I am eager to shoot. It started out as a joke I told my cousin Ky, but I've been running it through my head over and over, and now I'm feeling ambitious. It's not a photoplay, it's something else. Something weirder. And when I finish it, I'll unleash it upon the unsuspecting world. You've been warned.

Until next time, you poor fools!

Gandhi's Revenge!

So about a week ago, I wrote up a review of sorts for the big blockbuster re-imagining of Stephen J. Cannell's "The A-Team". It was very long, and not terribly coherent.

Shortly before I actually finished the post, my douchebag computer crashed. After I rebooted, I found that Blogspot apparently decided not to auto-save my post, and two hours of typing was thrown right out the window.

I was disheartened, and also lazy, so I just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to type it all out once again. Besides, I couldn't remember half of what I wrote, anyway.

Seven days later, I've also seen Tom Cruise's return to big-screen action in James Mangold's "Knight and Day". So I have returned to tell the world what I think about these movies, as well as some other things, in my own rambling manner.

Enjoy.

I never cared for "The A-Team". I used to watch it as a child, only because my parents enjoyed it. They were the adults, and they decided what we all watched on the big color TV in the living room. Sure, my brother and I could always go back to our cramped little bedroom and watch "Night Court" re-runs on our 10 inch black & white television, but it's just not the same.

Not to say that "The A-Team" wasn't entertaining. It was a fun, disposable way to spend an hour, I suppose. But we children had other things on our minds. We were really just biding our time until our parents decided to go to bed. Sometime around 11pm, my brother and I would sneak out of our bedroom and 10 inch Monochrome Ted Koppel, into the living room where we would watch R-rated movies on HBO and Cinemax.

It didn't really matter what the movie was, what mattered to us was that we were breaking the rules. We'd watch plenty of gratuitous violence and catch the occassional glimpse of nudity, and we'd be happy. Of course, sometimes we would fall asleep in the living room while we were enjoying ourselves, and that spelled trouble.

When the adults woke up in the morning and found us passed out in front of the TV, still tuned to HBO, we were inevitably grounded. But it was worth it.

Was I trying to make a point? Oh, right. I have no nostalgic love for "The A-Team". In fact, I have very little nostalgic love for many of the things I enjoyed when I was a child. I don't give a damn about the "Transformers" cartoons, or "Thundercats", or "Masters of the Universe". I stopped loving "The Goonies" when I was a teenager. I do still have a soft spot for "The Monster Squad". That's mostly due to the Scary German Guy.

After the kids become friends with the old man, and they talk about monsters over pie for a spell, when the kids depart, Fat Kid tells Scary German Guy that he really knows a lot about monsters. The old man agrees, and closes the door, and we see the concentration camp tattoo on his arm. I had no idea what that tattoo meant when I was a child, but watching it as a teenager, I finally got it. It's a small moment, but it really works.

Back to "The A-Team". I am not a Mr. T fan. I never understood the allure of this guy. He's got a mohawk and an obscene amount of gold chains around his neck. he can barely act. He says "fool" a lot and always looks constipated. He was fine in "Rocky 3", I suppose, but he wasn't required to do much in that film, aside from swinging his meaty fists and growling.

But I suppose that Mr. T is a part of the only thing I really liked about "The A-Team" TV series. Of course, I am talking about B.A. Baracus and his irrational fear of flying. His buddies had to drug him into oblivion to get him on a plane. I always thought that was funny. So thanks for that, Mr. T. I would have seen the movie as a complete failure if this aspect of Baracus' personality was removed. It's really the character's only stand-out personality trait.

So what about the movie? Well, it's an origin story. The first twenty minutes of the film are entirely dedicated to getting the team together. Faceman and Hannibal are working together in Mexico, doing... something... I think they're trying to take down some renegade Mexican General. It's not really important, I suppose. Faceman's been captured by the General's goons, and he's in a lot of trouble. He's taking it well, however, laughing it up, generally having a good time.

Hannibal happens upon Mr. Baracus who's just tooling around Mexico in his rape van, for some reason. It turns out that Baracus used to be an Army Ranger, though he was dishonorably discharged. Hannibal convinces his new best friend Baracus to help him save Faceman, and the trio escape from the General's clutches. They stop by an Army hospital (in Mexico?) and grab Murdock, who is completely out of his mind. He hotwires a medical chopper, and they fly toward the US border, purued by the General in a chopper of his own.

Murdock does some fancy flying, which terrifies Baracus, planting the seeds for his aerophobia. The rag-tag team cruises over the border, and the General's chopper is blown to smithereens by US fighter jets. Apparently, this was all part of Hannibal's master plan, as he chuckles to himself and lights a cigar.

The opening is a lot of fun, although it seems a little too convenient that Hannibal would just happen upon B.A. Baracus and Murdock, who are complete strangers and no longer affiliated with the US Armed Forces, in the middle of Mexico. If Hannibal hadn't found these two, Both he and Faceman would be fucking dead. Hannibal loves it when a plan comes together.

I'm nitpicking, though. The film is completely over-the-top and makes no apologies about it. This is not the real world. It's a big, expensive movie. It's kind of refreshing, in that respect.

Anyway, the film jumps ahead 8 years, and the A-Team has been working together ever since. I'm not sure how Baracus got re-instated, or how Murdock was allowed back in active duty considering he's out of his mind, but that's not important. The team is in Iraq, and they report to Major Dad, and that's awesome.

CIA Agent Nite Owl shows up and tells the team that some naughty Iraqis are in possession of some US Treasury plates and around 1 billion dollars in counterfeit American currency. Nite Owl wants the A-Team to retrieve the money and the stolen plates, but Major Dad isn't so sure. Hannibal throws caution to the wind and tells the team to get ready for some action.

Action ensues, and when the A-Team returns with the shit, some Blackwater mercs, led by some douche named Pike, blow it all up. Wait, not "Blackwater". I think they called themselves "Black Forest". Eh, same difference. Major Dad also gets blown up, and now the A-Team is in trouble. The fellas are all discharged and sent to federal prison. Oh noes!!!

You already know how this works out. The A-Team has to break out of prison and get their revenge on Pike, because he killed Major Dad, as well as Nite Owl, because he hung them out to dry. They need to clear their names, and save the day, A-Team style.

I'd rather not recap the whole movie, because I just don't have the strength to type all of that out once more. Instead, I'll briefly discuss the climax of the film, before I talk about some of the things I really enjoyed about the film.

The Climactic Battle!

The A-Team plays a large-scale shell game with some shipping containers and a big crane. They blow up some bad guys with radio-controlled cars. Major Dad wasn't dead, he faked his own death because he was in on Nite Owl's scheme to control the currency plates and become exceedingly wealthy. He turned on Nite Owl and teamed up with Pike, and Nite Owl wants him dead. Luckily, Major Dad get killed earlier while chatting with Hannibal, although the A-Team pretends that Major Dad is still alive to draw out Nite Owl.

Wait, does any of that make sense? Holy shit, I don't think it does.

Anyway, Murdock dresses up like Major Dad, hiding his head under a bucket lined with ketchup packets. Nite Owl shoots Murdock in his bucket, leaving a satisfying ketchup splatter on the wall. Jessica Biel and a bunch of federal agents arrest Nite Owl, and Baracus powerbombs Pike, shattering his neck.

Wow. Now none of that makes sense! It's like the ramblings of a schizophrenic. It's like something Brick Tamland would say.

So the A-Team is free and clear, right? Wrong! Don Draper shows up and says some stuff, then the boys get arrested for breaking out of prison. The movie ends with that familiar narration from the TV series, and the credits roll. So in a way, the movie is a prequel to the TV show. Except it's a lot better than the TV show.

So, good things? I thought you'd never ask.

#3: I ain't gettin' on no plane!

I am happy to say that B.A. Baracus' irrational fear of flying is intact in the film. His friends do have to drug the poor bastard to get him on a plane. And it's funny. It's funny every single time. I'm not too keen on the film trying to explain his aerophobia, but it's a small matter.

Besides, Murdock really fucked with his head when he was flying that medical chopper in the prologue.

#2: I love it when a cast comes together!

Joe Carnahan really knew what he was doing when he put his A-Team together. He took Jiam Neeson, a weathered veteran not known for his comedic work, and hooked him up with Bradley Cooper, a charming fellow, yet still an unknown quantity as a leading man.

When the film opens, Hannibal and Faceman have already been working together for some time, and Neeson and Cooper sell that friendship. They sell that history. We believe that these guys have been comrades for a while, that they've been through some shit together, and they've never lost their sense of humor.

Then Carnahan throws in Rampage Jackson, an MMA fighter with very little acting experience under his belt, to portray B. A. Baracus. And he does a fine job. He's clearly having a very good time in this film, and that more than makes up for his lack of on-set experience. He's not the best actor in the film, but he leaves Mr. T drowning in his wake.

Plus, he could totally kick Mr. T's ass. That helps.

Add Sharlto Copley, and you're making magic. This guy was the real question mark for me when I sat down to watch this film. I loved him in "District 9", but he seemed completely unsuited to this role, at least as far as I was concerned. This guy had no prior acting experience before "District 9", which was largely improvised, and he has a very distinct accent. And he was going to play Howlin' Mad Murdock, the lunatic pilot with the southern drawl?

Sharlto Copley blew me away in this movie. Where Dwight Schultz always played Murdock as more of an eccentric idiot, Copley turns Murdock into a genuine madman. He's always slipping in and out of accents and personalities, spouting a bunch of weird dialogue that made me laugh out loud. He's easily the most entertaining actor in the film, and I only wish that he had more screentime.

He spends most of the third act with his head in a bucket. That was a mistake.

#1: Have you ever seen a tank fly?

We've all seen the moment in the trailer. You love it or you hate it. Predator drones blow up the A-Team's plane, and they climb into a tank located in the cargo hold. As it descends, the drones attack the tank, and Faceman blasts the drones with a mounted 50 caliber gun.

That's the scene that made me want to see the movie. When I saw that ridiculously awesome moment in the trailer, I knew I was going to see this fucking film.

In the final film, this sequence exceeded my lofty expectations.

After breaking Murdock out of a US military hospital in Germany, the A-Team steals a C-130 and takes off. Nite Owl dispatches the predator drones to kill them, and the fun begins.

They attempt to evade the drones, but their plane has taken heavy damage. Just in the nick of time, the boys scramble into the tank stored in the C-130's cargo hold. The plane explodes, and the tank plummets. Luckily, the tank was equipped with parachutes, which quickly deploy, slowing their hellish descent. But the drones aren't done with them yet.

Baracus wakes up from his drug-induced coma just in time to see Faceman pop the hatch to shoot at the nefarious drones with an awesome 50 caliber mounted gun. Baracus screams incoherently as Faceman takes potshots at the drones, having the time of his life. He manages to destroy the drones, but not before they damage two of the parachutes. The tank is now falling face-first, rocketing downward to merge with the infinite.

Not to worry! Hannibal has a plan. He orders his men to load the tank's main gun, and they begin strategically firing the main gun, first to change the tank's trajectory, then to slow the tank's descent. The tank ends up plunging into a sleepy German lake, capsizing some poor old man's tiny fishing boat.

Moments later, the tank drives out of the lake, and Murdock pops out of the hatch to ask some old lady for directions. Classic.

Yes, Dear Imaginary Reader, the A-Team manages to fly a tank. Sure, it's impossible, but it's fun! And it's my favorite moment in the film.

Now what didn't work?

The rest of the cast!

Patrick Wilson plays "Lynch", a slimy CIA agent who sets up the A-Team in the prologue, and spends the rest of the movie trying to kill them. He tries to bring his own brand of manic energy to the role, but it never really works for me. His character is supposed to be in the same vein as Jason Patric's enigmatic "Max" character from "The Losers", but he never reaches Patric's legendary heights in that role.

In "The Losers", Jason Patric was the only stand-out, the guy who actually made the whole endeavor worthwhile. Without him, "The Losers" would be a complete footnote. Without Patrick Wilson, "The A-Team" would be just fine.

The villain Pike is portrayed by Brian Bloom, a man whose greatest claim to fame (as far as I'm concerned) is his classic role as "Generic Male Troll Merchant" in the MMO "Everquest II". He's the kind of villain who tries to be badass, but he can never pull it off. His villainous quips need a little work, too. He just lazily turns around whatever the heroes say to him, the infamous "rubber-glue" gambit. Examples:

"I'm gonna kill you!" "You're not gonna kill me! I'm gonna kill YOU!"

"You're lucky there are so many cops, here!" No, YOU'RE lucky there are so many cops, here!"

Great job, Generic Male Human Enemy.

Jessica Biel exists. That's the best thing I can say about her. I have never seen her actually act in a movie. I don't know if she's capable of real acting. She's a pretty face, but there's no substance. She has a pretty thankless role in the movie, and she's not a good enough actor to actually bring anything special to it.

Whenever she wasn't on-screen, I basically forgot she was even in the movie. She's supposed to have some sort of romantic relationship with Faceman, but they share no chemistry.

They should have hired Gemma Arterton. Just because.

Gerald McRaney showed up, and I realized that he was still alive. He's a good actor. Watch "Jericho", or "Deadwood", and you'll know what I'm talking about. Watch "The A-Team", and you'll see the man do his best "Saddam Hussein, fresh from the spider-hole" impression. Aside from that, he's not really given enough screentime to leave a lasting impression.

When he's revealed to be the secret third party behind the A-Team's betrayal, we're supposed to be shocked. We're not. Because there are no other characters in the movie. Of course, Major Dad was the secret bad guy! There were no other options!

Now if Jessica Biel were the secret bad guy...

One more point: B.A. Baracus and his character arc. Baracus is a soldier. He has no problems with killing, as long as it's for the right reasons. That's all well and good. After the team gets betrayed by Major Dad and Nite Owl, when Hannibal and Faceman break Baracus out of stir, we're all surprised to see that the man has allowed his hair to grow in, eliminating his trademark mohawk. We're even more surprised to learn that Baracus has been reading a lot of Gandhi in the joint, and that he's decided that he's done with killing.

That's right, B.A. Baracus has become a blubbering pussy! He spends the entire second act, as well as the majority of the third act, upholding his "noble" code. He wears a knitcap and sulks. Of course he's going to change his mind during the climax. Of course he's going to shave his head and let his mohawk fly free by the time the credits roll. But the character of Baracus is saddled with this bullshit B-plot that ultimately goes nowhere.

Is it supposed to deepen his character? If so, then the film fails in this respect. When the A-Team shows up at the climax, and Baracus removes his knitcap to reveal his glorious mohawk to powerbomb Pike straight to Hell, the audience is not surprised. The audience is just pissed off because the character of B.A. Baracus was not allowed to actually be his character until the end of the film.

It's fucking stupid. This is a little more than a nitpick for me. It's the only really serious flaw in the film, as far as the main cast is concerned.

In conclusion, "The A-Team" is really a lot of fun. I had a blast watching it, and even forgave some of the film's gaping plot holes, because I had such a good time. It seems that America does not agree with me, because it's tanking at the box office. It's a crying shame, too, because I would have loved to see this become a franchise. The public sucks, anyway.

"The A-Team" is big, ridiculous, and it made me laugh. If it's still playing in your neck of the woods, Dear Imaginary Reader, go see it. Have a good time.

I'll return shortly with part two of my epic blog entry, in which I will discuss "Knight and Day" and some other stuff. Wait with baited breath!

Two Movies Enter, One Blog Leaves...

So I promised to nobody in particular that I would write up my thoughts on the other two films I saw last weekend. Those films were "Get Him To The Greek" and "Killers". I have been hard pressed to actually type any coherent thoughts about either of these films over the last several days.

Right now, I'm forced into a corner, because tomorrow I am going to see "The A-Team", and I would feel absolutely stupid if I ended up with a back-log of three theatrical motion pictures to review. Although this whole "blog" thing feels like an exercise in futility most of the time, I am committed to it.

Also, I have already (clumsily) photoshopped my parody posters for each of these films, and I feel compelled to share the mediocrity with you, Dear Imaginary Reader.

I don't have a lot to say about these films, so this post will not be infuriatingly long.

You're welcome.

GET HIM TO THE GREEK

I saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" the night "Iron Man" opened in cinemas. My brother, my cousin Ky, and I were planning on seeing a 7pm screening of "Iron Man", but of course, it was sold out. So we bought tickets to a late screening and decided to waste a little time with Jason Siegel's debut as a Major Motion Picture Screenwriter.

We all really loved the movie. It was hilarious, heartfelt, and memorable. But Russell Brand ended up stealing the show. This unknown (to us) British lunatic was the guy we all remembered when we walked out of that auditorium. Of course, then we saw "Iron Man" and forgot all about everything else.

We were big fans of "Iron Man".

About a year after "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" opened and made a tidy profit, it was announced that Nick Stoller, the co-writer and director of the film, was set to make a sequel of sorts. Only this film would not focus on Jason Siegel and his continuing love affair with Jackie from "That 70's Show" and Dracula puppets.

No, this sequel would follow Russell Brand's weirdo rock star as he falls off the wagon and descends into drug abuse and depression, and Jonah Hill as the record label lackey who is tasked with getting him to a very important concert in one piece.

Apparently, Jonah Hill and Russell Brand had such great chemistry on-set the first time, that Nick Stoller simply had to get these two together again. Fair enough, I thought. I wasn't sure if a movie focused entirely on Aldous Snow, a memorable supporting character, would work, but I gave everybody the benefit of the doubt.

In short, "Get Him To The Greek" is not entirely successful.

In not-so-short, I barely remember this movie. That's problematic, for me. Two years later, I still find myself laughing a bit when I recall many moments from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". I only clearly remember two things about "Get Him To The Greek": Puff Daddy and the "Jeffrey" scene.

Puff Daddy surprised me. I've seen the guy in interviews, and he seems like such a boring man. "A handful of Tylenol PM and a glass of fists" dull. I wasn't expecting anything from the man when I sat down to watch this movie. When I left, I was still smiling as I thought of his "mindfuck" tactics.

So Puff Daddy actually managed to be not-boring. Bravo. That would have been enough. But he was funny, too? Holy jumping fucking Christ. That's a miracle.

Before I get discuss the "Jeffrey" scene, let me try and expand the plot, a bit.

Jonah Hill is a big Aldous Snow fan. He's not the same big Aldous Snow fan from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". He's different. Less "crazy stalker", more "sign my baby's head, but I'm in a really good place". Puff Daddy owns the record label that Hill works for, and the label needs a sure-fire money maker. Enter Jonah Hill, who suggests putting on a huge anniversay concert celebrating 10 years since Aldous Snow played LA's Greek Theatre.

The only problem: Aldous Snow is falling apart. The critical and financial failure of his latest album, "African Child", along with the departure of his long-time love, Jackie Q, has left Snow in a really bad way. She even took their son, Naples. He's a sad sack, and he drowns his sorrows in copious amounts of booze and illegal narcotics.

He's in no shape to perform. And Jonah Hill (I can't remember his character's name and refuse to Google it) has to fly over to jolly ole' England and retrieve the inebriated rocker, and get him back to LA in five days, or three days, or however-the-fuck many days, for his big concert.

Hill also has a girlfriend, and they love each other (awww...), but she's a doctor and she works all the time and wants to move to Seattle for a better job with fewer hours. They have a fight, and we as an audience have to deal with this completely unnecessary drama. Hooray!

Hill and his girlfriend, played by the crazy lady from "Mad Men", have no chemistry. I didn't buy for one moment that they could be a real couple. So when this manufactured drama rears its ugly head, I was just bored.

So Jonah Hill meets Aldous Snow, wacky adventures ensue as Hill attempts to keep the manic junkie on track and fails miserably, and blah blah blah I don't remember and don't care...

Shit happens. Some of it was funny. Some of it wasn't. None of it stuck. The only truly memorable scene in this film, at least for me, was the "Jeffrey" scene.

Now, it might be "Geoffrey" and not "Jeffrey", because the characters who named "Geoffrey" were English, and "Geoffrey" is the more traditional English spelling of the name, but I don't think that matters, so I'm sticking with "Jeffrey".

Anyway, Aldous Snow decides he wants to go see his father, played by Miles O'Brien from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine". O'Brien has always had a tense relationship with his son, and he has recently fallen on hard times, playing guitar in the back-up band for a "Rat Pack" tribute group in Las Vegas.

Snow wants to try and reconcile with the old man, and even though THERE ISN'T ANY TIME, the ineffectual Hill agrees to stop in Vegas to placate his out-of-control charge.

At this point in the film, Nick Stoller has realized that his movie is in a bit of trouble, and so he decides to write Puff Daddy back into the story, as he shows up in Vegas to help his employee, determined to break Aldous Snow by partying the man into oblivion, so that Hill can cart his unconscious ass back to LA without further incident. The mindfuck of all mindfucks.

In Vegas, O'Brien and Son talk about the past, jam a little, and proceed to get very, very high on a massive, Cheech & Chong-esque joint they dub "Jeffrey". But "Jeffrey" isn't just any joint. No, "Jeffrey" is stuffed with just about every drug known to man, plus bleach. Jonah Hill doesn't know this when "Jeffrey" is passed to him, and he freaks the fuck out.

What unfolds is absolutely hilarious. Hill is having a nervous breakdown, convinced that he is in the midst of a heart attack. Aldous and O'Brien come to drug-crazed blows. Puff Daddy snaps and decides to fight everybody, because why not? And they all take turns rubbing on a furry wall, because it's just sooo soothing.

Aldous and Hill escape, driving away from the technicolor nightmare, with Puff Daddy chasing them on-foot like the T-1000 in "Terminator 2: Judgment Day". From start to finish, the "Jeffrey" scene is without a doubt the best part of this film.

What happens afterward? Aldous attempt to reconcile with his wife, Jackie Q. She's sleeping with UberDouche Lars Ulrich from Metallica, and wants nothing to do with him. Also, their son Naples is not really his son. Cue the lonely violin.

Jonah Hill tries to make up with his girlfriend, and Snow pops up. After a completely pointless botched three-way with Hill and his girlfriend (why the fuck did this have to happen?!), he tries to kill himself, but Hill talks him down. Aldous still manages to break his arm, and Puff Daddy gets him to perform at the Greek without medical attention.

This behavior shocks Jonah Hill. He FINALLY realizes that his boss is an insane, careless asshole, and quits, trying to talk Aldous into calling off the show. But thankfully, Aldous really really wants to do the show, because his journey with Hill has taught him that he's an empty shell of a man, and his music is all that he has left.

Seriously, that's basically what he says.

So Aldous performs, fade to black. End? Not End. Fake End. Cut to: One year later, as Aldous Snow tapes an episode of VH1 Storytellers. We learn that Hill and his crazy doctor girlfriend moved to Seattle, and that Hill started his own record label. Because he's the good guy, and his record label will never do anything untoward regarding its clients. Aldous Snow is now on Hill's squeaky clean record label, and he sings a song for the crowd. End.

I must stress that I liked the movie. I honestly did. But it's hardly in the same league as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Russell Brand does fine. Puff Daddy does fine. Jonah Hill gets annoying. And I don't want to talk about this movie, anymore.

KILLERS

The only reason why I saw this movie: my mother. She wanted to see it. She gave birth to me, and even though I hate my life, I felt obligated to see it with her. I wish I hadn't. This movie is dogshit.

A plot recap, if you please...

Ashton Kutcher works for the CIA, and his handler is Leon from "Roseanne". Ashton is on assignment in Nice, and he runs into Katherine Heigl, who is also on vacation in Nice. With her parents, Magnum P.I. and Delia Deetz. She's a lonely, pathetic woman, and she thinks Ashton is cute. They flirt, Ashton blows up a helicopter then decides he's done with the Agency, so he goes back to the USA and marries the Brood Queen.

Two or three years later, Leon contacts Ashton, Ashton finds him dead in a hotel room, and everyone starts trying to kill him. He finally has to come clean with the Brood Queen, telling her that he's not a licensed contractor with abs, but a retired CIA assassin. She's pregnant. She leaves him. Then she comes back two minutes later.

A whole bunch of neighbors show up with guns, aiming to blast Ashton to Hell and gone. He kills them, instead, because he's awesome. Magnum P.I. turns up with a gun and exposits. It turns out that for some inexplicable reason, Magnum is a retired CIA agent, as well. He was in Nice on assignment, as well. He was supposed to be in the helicopter that Ashton blew up. Ashton's boss Leon lost his mind and went rogue, trying to drag Ashton with him. Magnum thought that Ashton had been reactivated and was tring to kill him again.

So apparently, every single person that Ashton and the Brood Queen knew was a sleeper agent, hired by Magnum to keep tabs on him. When Magnum got nervous, he told EVERYONE to kill his son-in-law. Luckily, Ashton fell in love and told Leon to take this job and shove it. He tells Magnum, and everything's okay. Dozens of people are dead, lives are ruined, millions of dollars in damage are accrued, but everything's Duckie.

That's the movie. And it is a complete fucking joke.

Magnum P.I. and Delia Deetz are the only remotely amusing people in this film. They actually have great chemistry. They have comic timing. They're fucking talented. Why couldn't they make a movie about these two?

Instead we're left with Ashton Kutcher, who still looks twelve years old and can't act and wears an expression throughout the film that just screams "I'm a grinning, hollow cunt". Katherine Heigl has two expressions: "Someone grabbed my bosom" and "What's that smell?" Neither expression ever works in this film.

She also has insanely long teeth. She's the polar opposite of Sarah Polley. I prefer Polley's baby teeth to Heigl's "nightmare made reality" extend-o teeth. She's terrible.

Nobody else even registers in this film. Sure, there were other actors, but nobody accomplished anything. It's the Ashton Heigl show, and it's not worth anybody's time. I am tired of seeing shit movies. The next time my mother asks me to see a movie with her, I will decline. It's the only way I can retain what little sanity I have left.

Now that I am finished, I can only pray that the voices in my head are satisfied.

I've Created A Monster!

In 1998, one of the first DVDs I rented was a film called "Cube". My maiden voyage on the Information Superhighway was still a year away (thanks, Dreamcast!), and I knew nothing about the movie. I just saw the movie at Blockbuster Video, was intrigued by the cover, depicting a rather nervous-looking fellow staring down a red-tinted corridor, and I took it home with me. I watched it over the weekend with my friend, Titus, and we both loved it.

It was a very minimalist movie, taking place in a series of identical rooms differentiated only through lighting. The concept was short and sweet: seven perfect strangers wake up to find themselves in a confusing, seemingly endless maze littered with deadly traps. Why were they chosen? How do they escape? Where the hell are they? What is the purpose of this maze?

What I love about the film is that there are no answers. There are plenty of theories thrown around by various characters in the movie, but we never learn anything definitive. At the film's conclusion, the mysteries of the Cube remain just that.

I know stuff like that infuriates a lot of people. They just hate investing their valuable time in a movie that doesn't hand them the answers. A lot of people just don't want to be challenged.

I'm not calling "Cube" a masterpiece, because it's not. It has its flaws, but it's also a very tense, chilling, and thought-provoking movie. It creates a mystery, but doesn't dwell on "the answers". The film isn't about answers. It's about the mystery. The film is the concept. And I love the concept.

I made sure to remember the name of the film's director: Vincenzo Natali. Clearly, this was a talented, creative guy.

It would be a decade before I saw another Vincenzo Natali film.

Not because the man sat on his laurels for ten years. No, he kept busy enough, even directing a few episodes of the mediocre "Earth: Final Conflict". But the two feature films he directed after "Cube" never opened theatrically in my neck of the woods. To be honest, I didn't even know they existed. I remembered Natali's name, but never bothered to look him up on IMDB, to see what else the man was working on.

Like I said, I saw "Cube" a year before I had access to the Internet, and by the time I was surfing the web, it never even occurred to me to see what Vincenzo Natali was working on, because I had other priorities (56k Porn!) But in 2008, I found a used DVD copy of a film called "Nothing" for 3 bucks at a local supermarket. I recognized the two faces on the cover; they were both in "Cube". And the film was directed by Vincenzo Natali.

Obviously, I took "Nothing" home with me. And I loved it.

I thought "Cube" was minimalist. "Nothing" starts out in a stylized version of the real world, but quickly relocates its characters to a void. Literally a blank slate. In a state of extreme stress, the two leads, Dave and Andrew, literally hate away the world, banishing themselves (and their house) into an endless white expanse.

In time, Dave and Andrew realize that they can hate away anything, including with their hunger, unpleasant memories, and even their hate, itself. Eventually, they piss each other off and start hating away each other's possessions, their entire house, and their bodies. The film ends as the two friends, now disembodied heads, reconcile, alone (yet happy) in their empty world.

It's a terribly creative movie, with some very inventive special effects, considering what must have been a minimal budget. I must admit that I was left rather depressed by the ending, despite the upbeat nature of the characters at the film's conclusion. These two saps are bouncing around an endless void, for fuck's sake! Maybe it's my own baggage, but it didn't seem like a happy ending, to me. I still liked the ending. I'm not the type of guy that needs a happy ending.

I was shocked to notice that "Nothing" was made in 2003. The film had been released five years by the time I got to it. I still haven't seen his other feature film, "Cypher". I don't use Netflix, I stopped renting movies six years ago, and I'm apparently too lazy to order it from Amazon. I will rectify this problem eventually, but for now my irrational hatred of Jeremy Northam keeps me from exposing myself to "Cypher".

Shortly after I watched "Nothing", I began reading about a new movie Vincenzo Natali was working on. A Frankenstein-esque movie about genetic engineers who create a new life-form by combining human DNA with the genetic material of various other animals. It was being produced by Guillermo del Toro. It was called "Splice", and I was intrigued.

Every now and then, I would see some new story on the Internet that revealed a little more about the film. Casting announcements, behind-the-scenes photos, etc. Concept art for the film's creature, called "Dren", surfaced. It looked cool, but I wondered how long I would have to wait to see it.

"Cube" never played in my neighborhood. "Nothing" didn't even exist in my mind until I stumbled upon it used at a supermarket. When would "Splice" finally surface, and when could I get my hands on it? I knew I would have to wait to see it on DVD. It would never open in Wichita.

Then "Splice" played at the Sundance Film Festival earlier this year. It got a huge reaction. Joel Silver bought it for distribution via his "Dark Castle" production shingle at Warner Bros. Then it was announced that "Splice" would get a nationwide theatrical release in June. I couldn't believe it. A Vincenzo Natali film was getting a wide release by a major Hollywood studio. That was cool.

So I waited. Official posters were released. I saw the trailer. I was excited. June 4th couldn't get here quickly enough. And now that "Splice" is playing in theatres nationwide, is it any good?

We'll get there, my friends. All in due time.

"Splice" follows genetic engineers Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley), a pair of rebels who work for a big-time Canadian pharmaceutical corporation, splicing together various animal genes to create hybrid lifeforms in order to synthesize some kind of super-protein. The precise nature of this protein is never made clear. Clive and Elsa talk about using their hybrids to help cure various diseases, from Parkinson's disease to some forms of cancer, but it's all vague. And that's fine, because the purpose of the science behind the hybrids isn't important.

Knowing why Clive and Elsa are making monsters isn't truly important. We're not interested in seeing these dipshits cure Parkinson's disease in a movie. We want to see these dipshits cross the line and make a fucking monster. That's why Vincenzo Natali made the movie.

Our heroes unveil their latest creations, a male-and-female pair of sluglike hybrids named "Fred" and "Ginger", which are brimming with this awesome protein, to their superiors. Now these two creatures, which vaguely resemble (to me, anyway) the organic game consoles from David Cronenberg's "eXistenZ", crawl around and make cute little coo-coo noises, entwining their leafy tongues like brazen lovers spending a romantic weekend in Paris. Love is in the air.

Thrilled by their results, but badly in need of a financial windfall, the powers that be decide that Clive and Elsa should change their focus in the lab from creating abominations to synthesizing the protein they have created in their hybrids, in order to finally make some money for their bosses. But that's not what they signed up for. They're rock star genetic engineers, not boring research scientists.

Clive and Elsa decide to take their work to the next level, working in secret to create a new hybrid, based primarily on human DNA. Well, Clive is initially reticent to travel down this road, but Elsa talks him into it. And so it begins. Deep in the bowels of their laboratory, our heroes throw morals and ethics out the window, creating a unique human-hybrid embryo because they can.

Their task accomplished, Clive assumes that Elsa is going to put the embryo on ice for now, because they never discussed allowing the fertilized embryo to develop. But Elsa, who has some serious mommy issues, puts the kibosh on that idea and lets the fetus develop in a robo-womb.

Elsa really wants to see this experiment through to the end, despite Clive's objections. But honestly, it doesn't take much to get Clive to go along with her mad scientist plans. He's a very reluctant partner through the first two thirds of the film, actually. It's rather refreshing to see a genre film where the man is not the gung-ho, "do as I say" driving force behind the plot.

Eventually, the womb spits out a giant, wriggling sperm. Clive shoves it in an incubator and sits up at night, haunted eyes staring into the middle distance. Clearly, the man is conflicted, in a serious "what have we done" sort of way. He wonders if the creature is in pain, and decides to euthanize the thing, just to be sure.

When Clive and Elsa arrive at the lab, the giant sperm is dead. But wait! Elsa turns the sperm over to reveal that it's been hollowed out. She hears something skittering about in the lab. The creature isn't dead; it's just entered a new phase of its life cycle. Now a bipedal bird-like creature with a massive head, Elsa befriends the creature.

Clive still wants to kill it with fire, but he listens to his significant other, deciding to let it live after she explains that the creature is developing at an accelerated rate, and that it will die soon, anyway. Wishful thinking.

So the creature continues to develop into a little asian girl with raptor legs and a prehensile, barbed tail. She demonstrates cognitive thinking, and Elsa is overjoyed, even giving it a name, Dren (which is NERD spelled backwards. Heh heh.) Clive still wants to kill the little raptorbaby, and when it runs a dangerously high fever, he attempts to drown it in the sink.

Luckily, Dren develops the ability to breathe underwater, with her under-developed aquatic lungs. Elsa assumes that Clive knew this when he held Dren underwater, and Clive lets her assume this. But we know better. The man is suffering from some serious post-partum depression.

Clive and Elsa eventually find out that the powers that be have decided to renovate their lab, so they have to find somewhere else to hide their little mistake. Elsa happens to own an old, run-down farmhouse that used to belong to her late, abusive mother. So our heroes smuggle Dren out of the lab in a giant cardboard box, en route to her new home in the middle of nowhere.

I suppose I should mention Clive's brother, here. His name is Gavin, and he works with Clive and Elsa in the lab. That's really all there is to the character. There's never any real attempt made during the film to develop Gavin as a character. He's just there, with his long-stringy hair and his bulbous eyes. Suspicious of his brother's secretive work, he really only exists in the film to provide a conflict for the final act. The Gavin character is one aspect of the film that really falters, and it's disappointing.

Natali should have just combined Gavin with Barlow, Clive and Elsa's boss (played by Natali film regular, David Hewlett). Neither character is given much to do in the film, until the climax requires a body count. But at least David Hewlett is a competent actor. The fellow who plays Gavin (Brandon McGibbon) has a blank expression and resembles Martin Starr from "Freaks and Geeks". Except that Martin Starr has some semblance of screen presence.

Instead of just breaking down the rest of the story, I'm going to focus on five memorable events in the second half of the film, before discussing the climax. Here we go...

Moment One

Clive and Elsa are tasked by their bosses to unveil Fred & Ginger at a big corporate fundraiser. This sounds simple enough. Who wouldn't love to see two cute little slugs in love? But things go hilariously wrong. Fred & Ginger are revealed in a glass aquarium, seperated by a sliding glass wall. The press goes nuts, snapping lots of photos and loudly mumbling, as they are wont to do.

But when the sliding glass partition is removed, the usually docile Fred & Ginger decide to fuck each other to death with spikes that protrude from their faces. It seems that ladyslug Ginger has pulled a Chastity Bono, and now full of testosterone, s/he no longer cares for her/his male companion.

While our heroes look on in horror, Fred & Ginger reduce each other to a fine red paste in the aquarium, which eventually topples over, splashing everyone in the first three rows of the audience with blood and hybrid animal chunks. Worst Gallagher concert ever? Or best Gallagher concert ever? I personally lean toward the latter.

Moment Two

Shortly after arriving on the farm, Dren, now a full-grown (sexy?) raptorlady, escapes from her "parents" and wanders out into the forest. After several frantic minutes of searching, Clive and Elsa find Dren crouched near a tree, facing away from them. Thinking she may be injured, our heroes approach Dren, concerned. But when Dren turns around, we find that the so-called vegetarian monster is vigorously chewing on a dead rabbit, her face covered in blood.

Clive and Elsa are shocked, and Dren gives her mommy and daddy a cute, "did I do something wrong?" grin. It's a very funny moment, and it manages to humanize Dren a fair bit. She was just hungry, after all.

Moment Three

Earlier, Elsa discovered that Dren was keeping a cat as a companion in her farmhouse prison, so Elsa took Dren's little pet away in an act of petty cruelty. Later, feeling bad, Elsa decides to return the cat to Dren.

Pissed off, Dren decides she doesn't want the cat anymore, impaling it with her barbed tail while staring at Elsa with a "fuck you, mom" look on her face. After getting violent with Elsa, Dren attempts to escape and is crowned with a shovel for her trouble.

When she comes to, Dren is strapped to a table, and Elsa surgically removes the poisonous barb in her tail using a local anesthetic. While mutilating Dren, Elsa acts cold and detached, ignoring Dren's painful cries. Only later does Elsa show any remorse for her actions.

During this sequence, Elsa inadvertantly became a shadow of her abusive mother, shutting herself off emotionally while abusing her own child, and later expressing disgust and self-loathing when realizing that she is capable of the same violent behavior as the mother she has tried to distance herself from in her adult life.

You could certainly argue that Elsa was justified in her actions. After all, Dren was demonstrating violent behavior, and her barbed tail could be highly dangerous, but Elsa's methods for "de-clawing" Dren were rather barbaric. It's a very effective scene.

Moment Four

Shortly after relocating Dren to the farmhouse, Dren attempts to escape, climbing onto the roof of the farmhouse. Clive and Elsa follow her, and are amazed to see that Dren has developed small, delicate wings that protrude from her arms. Preparing to fly away, Clive tells Dren not to go, because they love her. Hearing these words, Dren runs into Clive's arms.

Until this moment, Clive has shown at best a tolerance for Dren. He's always been in favor of euthanizing this "mistake", wrestling with the moral and ethical questions of his actions as the co-creator of this new life-form. But when he tells Dren that he loves her on the roof, it's a serious turning point for the character.

Clive no longer sees Dren as a simple experiment, he now sees her as a unique, emotional being. He finally accepts Dren as an individual.

Moment Five

After teaching Dren to dance in an amusing sequence, Clive begins to act strangely. He spies on her via webcam while she swims in the farmhouse. He realizes that Elsa used one of her own ovaries when they created Dren in the lab, and confronts her with this information. Accusing Elsa of being a fucked-up control freak who needed to have a "child" on her own terms, Clive withdraws emotionally.

Clive visits Dren at the farmhouse, and she attempts to seduce him. Clive succumbs to Dren's advances, and a freaky sex scene commences.

This is without a doubt my favorite moment in the film. Not just because I'm a weirdo who enjoys seeing genre films take the plunge into the deep end of the crazy pool. I love this moment because of the way the audience reacted to it.

In a half-full auditorium, two thirds of the audience reacted with some audible variation of "what the fuck?!", and the rest of the audience squirmed in their seats like a nightcrawler in a rainstorm.

A young child seated very close to me (why the fuck are there always young children in these crowds?) initially covered his eyes, then stood up and quickly ran from the theatre, so overcome with emotion that he could no longer stand to be in the presence of this film. Several adults followed, so disgusted that they just couldn't stick it out any longer. They never returned.

Now I honestly can't recall the last time I've seen a movie that bothered somebody so much that they walked out before the credits rolled. Apparently this transgressive moment was so unexpected that a few people just couldn't handle it. They had to get the fuck out. For this reason alone, I will always love "Splice".

Thank you for making a movie that offended people so greatly that they had to hastily exit the theatre before they were offended further. Thank you, Mr. Natali.

Anyway, while Clive and Dren are bumping uglies, Elsa happens to walk into the barn. Clive notices her presence, pulling away from Dren with the "I fucked up" look plastered on his face. Absolutely priceless.

Shortly after Clive's little lapse in judgment, and a very tense argument with Elsa later, Dren's physical condition quickly deteriorates, and she dies. Clive and Elsa mourn, choosing to bury Dren near the farmhouse rather than dissect her corpse. As darkness falls, our heroes gather all of Dren's belongings, burning them in a bonfire.

But the movie can't be over, yet. This is a monster movie, after all. And the film's monster, while occassionally displaying a slight sinister bent, has done little more than eat a rabbit, kill a cat, and have dirty, dirty sex with her father figure.

Up until this point, Dren has been less of a monster, and more of a slightly dangerous child, learning more and more about her world and throwing the occassional tantrum. You didn't really think she was dead, did you?

Clive's brother shows up at the farmhouse, with their boss Mr. Barlow. Earlier in the film, Gavin discovered Dren at the lab, and agreed to keep her existence a secret. He didn't keep that secret for long, and has brought Barlow up to show the man his brother's handiwork.

Clive and Elsa tell Barlow that Dren is already dead, but moments later Barlow is snatched away by a winged apparition, kicking and screaming. They find their boss stuck in a tree, very dead.

A moment later, the surviving trio see a shape atop the barn, sillhouetted in the moonlight. It seems that Dren took a page from Ginger's playbook and has decided to see what life with a penis has to offer. He-Dren stands on the barn, pimped out with manly plumage, looking pissed off.

Poor treacherous Gavin is next on He-Dren's hitlist, carried off deeper into the forest, screaming like a stuck pig. Clive bolts after his brother, and Elsa follows. Unfortunately, Gavin takes the loss, and He-Dren attacks Clive, pulling him into a frigid pond and knocking him out.

He-Dren straddles Elsa, ripping her clothes. She asks him what he wants, and He-Dren Zuul's out the words "Inside you..." before he rapes his mother with his tail/dick. Clive stabs his very naughty child with a big stick, and Elsa smacks him upside the head with a large rock.

Elsa raises the rock, poised to crush her child's head with the rock, but He-Dren makes eye contact with his mother, distracting her just long enough to stab Clive in the heart with his deadly tail barb, which has regenerated. Elsa finally crushes He-Dren's face with the rock, and the sadness begins.

If Elsa hadn't hesitated, her man would still be alive. While He-Dren and Elsa were staring each other down, Natali even cuts away to a shot of Clive on his back, staring at Elsa, with a "what the fuck are you waiting for?" look in his eyes. It's a shame, really. Sure, Clive made a few mistakes, but in the end he was a decent guy. He didn't deserve his fate.

Overall, the film's climax veers toward the more standard monster movie formula, with Dren losing any sympathetic qualities in his/her gender switch, becoming a pretty traditional antagonist.

Of course, this situation has been set up earlier in the film with Ginger's sexual reorientation and violent reaction toward male Fred. Dren and Ginger are similar creatures, the only genetic difference being the introduction of human DNA in Dren. So when Dren becomes a male, it's only natural for him to act overly aggressive to any other males he encounters. His behavior is not unprecedented.

That certainly makes it easier to forgive some of the flaws in the climax. The film didn't cheat to create the final conflict between Dren and his/her creators. It certainly works in context, although I have read several reviews that think the film simply falls apart at this point. It does become a bit by-the-numbers, but I don't think it falls apart, at all.

Dren rapes his mother, for fuck's sake! There's nothing by-the-numbers about that. I did miss the more sympathetic, more three-dimensional female Dren in the finale. She was easy on the eyes, that's for sure. Aside from that, it's a fine way to wrap up the main story.

Dren had a serious Oedipus complex.

The film finally ends with Elsa at a meeting with the CEO of the pharmaceutical company, signing away the rights to her rapidly developing fetus. That's right! Dren knocked up his mom! She's going to give birth to her own grandchild. And it will be the property of a powerful pharmaceutical corporation. Roll credits.

"Splice" is a fantastic movie. Like in his previous films, Vincenzo Natali has focused more on a very small cast of characters, allowing the viewer to get to know the principle characters very well, so that when the shit hits the fan in the climax, the viewer actually cares about what happens to these people.

I've heard people describe Elsa and Clive as "rock stars", because they prefer to dress in a more trendy fashion, they listen to techno music and jazz when they work, and they were on the cover of "Wired" magazine. I didn't get that from these characters. They seemed more like hipster nerds, to me.

They're trying to give off this "too cool for school" attitude, and it never rings true for me. Their apartment is decked out with all of this manga-influenced artwork, and it feels like they're just eccentric geeks desperately trying to project the "rock star" vibe.

It's all a case of arrested development. They're really immature people, in many ways. They surround themselves with all of these childish trappings, and they act like rebellious teenagers who won't be pigeonholed by "the man". Clive and Elsa briefly discuss the possibility of having children early on, but it doesn't go anywhere. When they bring Dren into the world, essentially their child, it's clear that these two are simply unfit parents.

Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley really throw themselves into their roles, and they each do a great job. You really feel Clive's ambivalent attitude toward the experiment during the first half of the film, continually ceding to Elsa's wishes despite his objections to the whole endeavor. And Sarah Polley manages to play Elsa as a damaged woman, severely affected by her rough upbringing, without ever making it distracting. The woman understands subtext.

I do have a problem with Sarah Polley, but it's completely superficial. The first film I saw Sarah Polley in was 1989's "The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen". She was only 10 years old in that film, and she had really small teeth and very large gums. I was very distracted by that.

But she was just a child. Those were her baby teeth. Most kids have teeth like that. Surely when she grew up, her teeth would not remain the same.

21 years later, her teeth look exactly the same. Tiny teeth, large gums. It still looks weird, and it's still distracting. But that's not Sarah Polley's fault, and I don't hold it against her. It's just a small hang-up on my part.

Delphine Chaneac is the real star of this movie. Her performance as the adult Dren is stunning. She effortlessly conveys child-like innocence, adult sexuality, and predatory menace at times within the same sequence, and it's completely believable. She is assisted by some smooth digital effects work, extending the distance between her eyes, lengthening her fingers, and replacing her legs with bird-like appendages.

But without Chaneac's amazing performance, none of these effects would mean a damned thing. She makes Dren a character you care about, and she manages to do this without ever speaking. Her performance is completely physical, and it's just a shame that she'll probably never be recognized by the masses for her extraordinary work.

The special effects in general, both the digital work and the physical effects work, are exemplary. I understand why it took nearly two years after the film was shot for the effects work to be completed. The digital work is almost seamless. There are a few moments where it falters, most notably whenever Dren's wings unfurl, but I was so invested in the film that it never became an issue for me. I can't praise the effects work enough.

The completely digital, non-humanoid baby Dren, with a close physical resemblance to a velociraptor, is actually very cute and endearing. The sound design helps, with baby Dren's labored breathing sounding suspiciously like that of a sleeping human infant. When baby Dren is sleeping, I just wanted Elsa to wrap her in a blanket and sing her a lullaby.

Even the almost-completely featureless Fred & Ginger, two amorphous slug creatures, become sympathetic early on, thanks to a combination of brilliant choices by the effects artists and sound designers. Even though the sequence was incredibly funny, I did feel a little sad when Fred & Ginger chose to destroy each other in the aquarium. Poor Fred never saw it coming.

"Splice" is not a perfect movie. But it's so odd, so cool, and so fucking transgressive at times, that I can't help but unabashedly love it. Movies like this simply aren't made, anymore. And if they are, they're usually relegated to Direct-To-DVD Hell. The fact that "Splice" was given a nationwide theatrical release is a miracle.

I'm glad I saw "Splice" in theatres. I think I might see it again this weekend. You should see it, too. You might love it, you might hate it, but it will certainly stick with you long after the credits roll.

I'll be back later this week to talk about the other two films I saw this weekend, "Get Him To The Greek" and "Killers". Here's a hint: I liked one, and hated the other. Guess which is which?

Find out whenever I motivate myself to type another long, rambling post. Probably Thursday.