Right now, I'm forced into a corner, because tomorrow I am going to see "The A-Team", and I would feel absolutely stupid if I ended up with a back-log of three theatrical motion pictures to review. Although this whole "blog" thing feels like an exercise in futility most of the time, I am committed to it.
Also, I have already (clumsily) photoshopped my parody posters for each of these films, and I feel compelled to share the mediocrity with you, Dear Imaginary Reader.
I don't have a lot to say about these films, so this post will not be infuriatingly long.
You're welcome.
GET HIM TO THE GREEKI saw "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" the night "Iron Man" opened in cinemas. My brother, my cousin Ky, and I were planning on seeing a 7pm screening of "Iron Man", but of course, it was sold out. So we bought tickets to a late screening and decided to waste a little time with Jason Siegel's debut as a Major Motion Picture Screenwriter.
We all really loved the movie. It was hilarious, heartfelt, and memorable. But Russell Brand ended up stealing the show. This unknown (to us) British lunatic was the guy we all remembered when we walked out of that auditorium. Of course, then we saw "Iron Man" and forgot all about everything else.
We were big fans of "Iron Man".
About a year after "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" opened and made a tidy profit, it was announced that Nick Stoller, the co-writer and director of the film, was set to make a sequel of sorts. Only this film would not focus on Jason Siegel and his continuing love affair with Jackie from "That 70's Show" and Dracula puppets.
No, this sequel would follow Russell Brand's weirdo rock star as he falls off the wagon and descends into drug abuse and depression, and Jonah Hill as the record label lackey who is tasked with getting him to a very important concert in one piece.
Apparently, Jonah Hill and Russell Brand had such great chemistry on-set the first time, that Nick Stoller simply had to get these two together again. Fair enough, I thought. I wasn't sure if a movie focused entirely on Aldous Snow, a memorable supporting character, would work, but I gave everybody the benefit of the doubt.
In short, "Get Him To The Greek" is not entirely successful.
In not-so-short, I barely remember this movie. That's problematic, for me. Two years later, I still find myself laughing a bit when I recall many moments from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". I only clearly remember two things about "Get Him To The Greek": Puff Daddy and the "Jeffrey" scene.
Puff Daddy surprised me. I've seen the guy in interviews, and he seems like such a boring man. "A handful of Tylenol PM and a glass of fists" dull. I wasn't expecting anything from the man when I sat down to watch this movie. When I left, I was still smiling as I thought of his "mindfuck" tactics.
So Puff Daddy actually managed to be not-boring. Bravo. That would have been enough. But he was funny, too? Holy jumping fucking Christ. That's a miracle.
Before I get discuss the "Jeffrey" scene, let me try and expand the plot, a bit.
Jonah Hill is a big Aldous Snow fan. He's not the same big Aldous Snow fan from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". He's different. Less "crazy stalker", more "sign my baby's head, but I'm in a really good place". Puff Daddy owns the record label that Hill works for, and the label needs a sure-fire money maker. Enter Jonah Hill, who suggests putting on a huge anniversay concert celebrating 10 years since Aldous Snow played LA's Greek Theatre.
The only problem: Aldous Snow is falling apart. The critical and financial failure of his latest album, "African Child", along with the departure of his long-time love, Jackie Q, has left Snow in a really bad way. She even took their son, Naples. He's a sad sack, and he drowns his sorrows in copious amounts of booze and illegal narcotics.
He's in no shape to perform. And Jonah Hill (I can't remember his character's name and refuse to Google it) has to fly over to jolly ole' England and retrieve the inebriated rocker, and get him back to LA in five days, or three days, or however-the-fuck many days, for his big concert.
Hill also has a girlfriend, and they love each other (awww...), but she's a doctor and she works all the time and wants to move to Seattle for a better job with fewer hours. They have a fight, and we as an audience have to deal with this completely unnecessary drama. Hooray!
Hill and his girlfriend, played by the crazy lady from "Mad Men", have no chemistry. I didn't buy for one moment that they could be a real couple. So when this manufactured drama rears its ugly head, I was just bored.
So Jonah Hill meets Aldous Snow, wacky adventures ensue as Hill attempts to keep the manic junkie on track and fails miserably, and blah blah blah I don't remember and don't care...
Shit happens. Some of it was funny. Some of it wasn't. None of it stuck. The only truly memorable scene in this film, at least for me, was the "Jeffrey" scene.
Now, it might be "Geoffrey" and not "Jeffrey", because the characters who named "Geoffrey" were English, and "Geoffrey" is the more traditional English spelling of the name, but I don't think that matters, so I'm sticking with "Jeffrey".
Anyway, Aldous Snow decides he wants to go see his father, played by Miles O'Brien from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine". O'Brien has always had a tense relationship with his son, and he has recently fallen on hard times, playing guitar in the back-up band for a "Rat Pack" tribute group in Las Vegas.
Snow wants to try and reconcile with the old man, and even though THERE ISN'T ANY TIME, the ineffectual Hill agrees to stop in Vegas to placate his out-of-control charge.
At this point in the film, Nick Stoller has realized that his movie is in a bit of trouble, and so he decides to write Puff Daddy back into the story, as he shows up in Vegas to help his employee, determined to break Aldous Snow by partying the man into oblivion, so that Hill can cart his unconscious ass back to LA without further incident. The mindfuck of all mindfucks.
In Vegas, O'Brien and Son talk about the past, jam a little, and proceed to get very, very high on a massive, Cheech & Chong-esque joint they dub "Jeffrey". But "Jeffrey" isn't just any joint. No, "Jeffrey" is stuffed with just about every drug known to man, plus bleach. Jonah Hill doesn't know this when "Jeffrey" is passed to him, and he freaks the fuck out.
What unfolds is absolutely hilarious. Hill is having a nervous breakdown, convinced that he is in the midst of a heart attack. Aldous and O'Brien come to drug-crazed blows. Puff Daddy snaps and decides to fight everybody, because why not? And they all take turns rubbing on a furry wall, because it's just sooo soothing.
Aldous and Hill escape, driving away from the technicolor nightmare, with Puff Daddy chasing them on-foot like the T-1000 in "Terminator 2: Judgment Day". From start to finish, the "Jeffrey" scene is without a doubt the best part of this film.
What happens afterward? Aldous attempt to reconcile with his wife, Jackie Q. She's sleeping with UberDouche Lars Ulrich from Metallica, and wants nothing to do with him. Also, their son Naples is not really his son. Cue the lonely violin.
Jonah Hill tries to make up with his girlfriend, and Snow pops up. After a completely pointless botched three-way with Hill and his girlfriend (why the fuck did this have to happen?!), he tries to kill himself, but Hill talks him down. Aldous still manages to break his arm, and Puff Daddy gets him to perform at the Greek without medical attention.
This behavior shocks Jonah Hill. He FINALLY realizes that his boss is an insane, careless asshole, and quits, trying to talk Aldous into calling off the show. But thankfully, Aldous really really wants to do the show, because his journey with Hill has taught him that he's an empty shell of a man, and his music is all that he has left.
Seriously, that's basically what he says.
So Aldous performs, fade to black. End? Not End. Fake End. Cut to: One year later, as Aldous Snow tapes an episode of VH1 Storytellers. We learn that Hill and his crazy doctor girlfriend moved to Seattle, and that Hill started his own record label. Because he's the good guy, and his record label will never do anything untoward regarding its clients. Aldous Snow is now on Hill's squeaky clean record label, and he sings a song for the crowd. End.
I must stress that I liked the movie. I honestly did. But it's hardly in the same league as "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Russell Brand does fine. Puff Daddy does fine. Jonah Hill gets annoying. And I don't want to talk about this movie, anymore.
KILLERSThe only reason why I saw this movie: my mother. She wanted to see it. She gave birth to me, and even though I hate my life, I felt obligated to see it with her. I wish I hadn't. This movie is dogshit.
A plot recap, if you please...
Ashton Kutcher works for the CIA, and his handler is Leon from "Roseanne". Ashton is on assignment in Nice, and he runs into Katherine Heigl, who is also on vacation in Nice. With her parents, Magnum P.I. and Delia Deetz. She's a lonely, pathetic woman, and she thinks Ashton is cute. They flirt, Ashton blows up a helicopter then decides he's done with the Agency, so he goes back to the USA and marries the Brood Queen.
Two or three years later, Leon contacts Ashton, Ashton finds him dead in a hotel room, and everyone starts trying to kill him. He finally has to come clean with the Brood Queen, telling her that he's not a licensed contractor with abs, but a retired CIA assassin. She's pregnant. She leaves him. Then she comes back two minutes later.
A whole bunch of neighbors show up with guns, aiming to blast Ashton to Hell and gone. He kills them, instead, because he's awesome. Magnum P.I. turns up with a gun and exposits. It turns out that for some inexplicable reason, Magnum is a retired CIA agent, as well. He was in Nice on assignment, as well. He was supposed to be in the helicopter that Ashton blew up. Ashton's boss Leon lost his mind and went rogue, trying to drag Ashton with him. Magnum thought that Ashton had been reactivated and was tring to kill him again.
So apparently, every single person that Ashton and the Brood Queen knew was a sleeper agent, hired by Magnum to keep tabs on him. When Magnum got nervous, he told EVERYONE to kill his son-in-law. Luckily, Ashton fell in love and told Leon to take this job and shove it. He tells Magnum, and everything's okay. Dozens of people are dead, lives are ruined, millions of dollars in damage are accrued, but everything's Duckie.
That's the movie. And it is a complete fucking joke.
Magnum P.I. and Delia Deetz are the only remotely amusing people in this film. They actually have great chemistry. They have comic timing. They're fucking talented. Why couldn't they make a movie about these two?
Instead we're left with Ashton Kutcher, who still looks twelve years old and can't act and wears an expression throughout the film that just screams "I'm a grinning, hollow cunt". Katherine Heigl has two expressions: "Someone grabbed my bosom" and "What's that smell?" Neither expression ever works in this film.
She also has insanely long teeth. She's the polar opposite of Sarah Polley. I prefer Polley's baby teeth to Heigl's "nightmare made reality" extend-o teeth. She's terrible.
Nobody else even registers in this film. Sure, there were other actors, but nobody accomplished anything. It's the Ashton Heigl show, and it's not worth anybody's time. I am tired of seeing shit movies. The next time my mother asks me to see a movie with her, I will decline. It's the only way I can retain what little sanity I have left.
Now that I am finished, I can only pray that the voices in my head are satisfied.
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