Hobo With A Flute Sheath!

An angry storm is swirling overhead, punishing the landscape with torrential rainfall, frequent cloud-to-ground lightning, and an obscene barrage of hailstones. That must mean it's Wednesday. And that must mean that it's time for a brand-new edition of this blog's second-longest-running podcast, Lies My Podcast Told Me.

I hinted in a previous post that I was excited to see the upcoming Piranha 3DD. My enthusiasm was genuine. I greatly enjoyed the Alexandre Aja-directed Piranha 3D, and was really looking forward to seeing what the three-headed baby known as GulagerMeltonDunstan have done with the sequel.

Now with 100% more Clu!

I'm a fan of their shoestring budget gonzo Feast trilogy. A big fan. I caught a midnight screening of the original Feast during its insanely brief theatrical release, and I was highly entertained. It's dumb as hell, but it just rolls with the dumb, and I appreciated that. And the direct-to-DVD sequels took the brain-damaged energy of the first film and took it to another highly illogical and completely ridiculous level.

The third film of this trilogy ends with a giant robot, coming completely out of nowhere,   absentmindedly crushing a woman underfoot as it saunters off to parts unknown, with a cracked Clu Gulager screaming incoherently and running (staggering) away from the all-seeing camera. There's no set-up for any of this. It just occurs.

It seems clear that the brain trust behind this franchise that shouldn't exist had absolutely no idea as to how it should all end. And so they just shrugged and came up with the most nonsensical possible conclusion. Because why not?

The first time I watched the conclusion of Feast 3: The Happy Finish, I just started laughing. Not a normal, healthy laughter. This was the desperate, choked laughter of a man clinging to his last vestiges of sanity in a world turned upside-down. The laughter of a man who gazes into the thousand eyes of a Lovecraftian terror under the strange stars of some alien sky. The laughter that echoes through the corridors of a long-abandoned insane asylum just after midnight during a sky-shattering thunderstorm.

In short: if I could legally marry the Feast trilogy, I would.

So obviously I was down for some Piranha 3DD. Of course, that means I won't get to see Piranha 3DD. The Weinstein Company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that this film's theatrical release will consist of no more than 80 screens, none of which are in Wichita.

This damned movie was supposed to come out last November, but it was pushed back to June 1st, 2012. I waited. Patiently. And just a few days ago I was informed by the bitch goddess known as Internet that my most eagerly anticipated summer release would never open in my hometown. I'll have to wait until the inevitable blu-ray release to enjoy the majesty that is Piranha 3DD. But it won't be the same.

This kind of movie is meant to be seen on the big screen. In three fucking dimensions! I don't have a 3D TV, so I'll never get to see this masterpiece the way it's supposed to be seen. I'll never get to see all the boobs, blood, and various dismembered body parts flying at my face in 3-fucking-D. Those goddamned Weinsteins screwed me, and I will never forgive them for this.

No 3D Busey?!

Never.

But I'm supposed to be introducing the latest episode of my stupid fucking podcast, so you'll have to excuse me for the slight detour. I just needed to vent.

Chapter 2, entitled The Unstuck Folk Rock Sorcerer, deals primarily with legendary Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson. He's the only man who has ever really managed to rock out while playing a flute. Seriously, he's the only one who can pull that off. I didn't think it was even possible before I saw it with my own eyes.

His existence isn't possible, yet he endures.

I'm a huge fan of Jethro Tull, as is my ever-present cousin Ky. We can't get enough of the Tull. We're all about the Tull.

TULL.

During the course of one of our regular meetings, we caught a vintage live Jethro Tull concert, and well... this podcast is the result of that viewing. I don't want to spoil things for you (even though I should, because you'll never fucking listen to this), but our conversational admiration for Ian "Flute Sheath" Anderson goes to some rather unexpected places, to be polite.

Also included in the discussion are ZZ Top, the seminal 1969 motion picture Easy Rider, Dr. Seuss' The Lorax, cannibalism, and the proper method of disposing of a dead hooker who knows too much. It's a crazy six minutes, let me tell you.

Or you could just click the unavoidable "play" button below and find out for yourself.



I'll be back... eventually... to talk about... something...

Hi Kelly Brook, star of Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3D! It's relevant!