I Never Know Why. I Only Know Who.

Fifty years ago today, the first episode of Doctor Who aired on the BBC, and the science fiction landscape was changed forever. For some people. It may be a little difficult for you hardcore "Whovians" to understand, but there are a whole lot of people out there who either don't know what Doctor Who is or simply don't fucking care.

I gave up on trying to convince people to watch the show when I was quite young, after a very long and tense conversation in the school cafeteria with my closest pals. I kept telling them how cool this program was, with its protagonist who changes his face and personality instead of dying, a slightly insane alien who travels around space and time in a little blue police box that's bigger on the inside, a manic do-gooder who abhors violence and would rather see his enemies rehabilitated than simply defeated, the optimist's optimist.

I even tricked one of my friends into watching an episode with me on PBS one Sunday evening, and he excused himself, walking home less than ten minutes into the damned thing. He said it looked "stupid" and "cheap" and he thought the Fourth Doctor's scarf was a pointless and potentially hazardous accessory. He joked that Tom Baker (he called him "that bug-eyed asshole") would eventually trip on his scarf and break his neck. He thought that was hilarious.

Then he invited me to his house the next weekend, and we tried to play an exciting game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in his backyard. He kept insisting that he was not a Ninja Turtle, but rather a Ninja Kitty, and instead of fighting any bad guys he kept batting at an invisible ball of yarn while rolling on his back in the freshly-cut grass. I grew intensely frustrated and left before I ended up doing something I would regret. I couldn't understand this kid's fucking problem. He said he wanted to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and yet he called himself a Ninja Kitty and played with invisible yarn while I fought the Foot Clan all by myself. What the fuck was that all about?

I distanced myself from the lunatic after that eventful afternoon, choosing not to sit with him during lunch, because I just couldn't look at him anymore without wanting to punch him in his chubby little smug face. Those were dark ages, though. Widespread cable television, high-speed internet access and the growing popularity of such outlets as Facebook and Tumblr have made Doctor Who more of a known quantity outside of the small, isolated circles of the social outcast. "Whovians" are everywhere, and they are very passionate about the object of their affection.

An example: a local establishment called The Donut Whole, which makes some of the most delicious donuts I've ever tasted, had to stop taking pre-orders for their Doctor Who 50th Anniversary donuts yesterday due to unanticipated demand from donut-happy fans in the greater metropolitan area. Even in a so-called cultural dead zone like Wichita, Kansas, the fans are out in force, eager to stuff their faces with tasty TARDIS-blue donuts.

A lot of people are excited about the big anniversary celebration, myself included. Later today, I will eagerly watch The Day Of The Doctor along with every other fanboy and fangirl in the world, thanks to BBC World Wide's bright idea to simulcast the episode all across the planet as it premieres on BBC One this evening. Hopefully it will kick all sorts of ass and not disappoint millions of nerds all across the globe, sending them into a red-faced frenzy that will cause the internet to explode. I have tried to remain as spoiler-free as possible regarding the episode, but I do love the clip I've seen of the Ninth and Tenth Doctors having a dick-measuring contest with their sonic screwdrivers.

I'm fucking excited for this! Can't you tell?! In fact, I've made a podcast to help celebrate this momentous occasion! And it's really long! Too long, some might say! And I was quite drunk while this podcast was recorded, which is really just par for the course these days. So if you want to listen to over twenty minutes of an inebriated nerd rambling about Doctor Who to a not-quite-as-inebriated cousin who has only a passing familiarity with the program, this is your lucky day! If you can find the time (get it? it's a time-traveler's joke!), then sit back and listen to this bloated corpse of a podcast, and let it slowly devour your tender brain:

The Dalek's Lament



That's all I've got for you today. Enjoy the festivities, nerds!

TIME (AND RELATIVE DIMENSION IN SPACE) MARCHES ON!