None Of This Is Real

Happy New Year! Is it too late to say that? Is it weird to say "Happy New Year" at this point? I know it's the 31st of January, but it is still January, so is it okay for me to wish you, my Dear Imaginary Reader, a very festive and happy 2015?

Nobody reads this blog anymore. I'm not moaning about the state of things, just stating a simple truth. Based on the statistics I'm looking at in a separate window, sine January 1st, only 91 people have visited The Book Of Lies, and literally nobody in the past week has paid this blog a visit, not even to call me a fat faggot in the comments. So I can definitively state that, as of the past six days, officially nobody reads this blog. Of course, my lack of updates has certainly played no small part in this sorry state of affairs, and that's my bad, theoretical person who may or may not ever read this blog post.

I took the month of January off. I wore myself out over the past several months, watching a seemingly endless stream of terrible, terrible movies for you, and it nearly drove me insane. So after receiving the complete original Dark Shadows television series on DVD as a birthday present, I decided to watch it. All of it. 1,225 episodes spread over 127 discs. As such, my never-ending Dark Shadows marathon has devoured my free time like the way I devoured a delicious cheese pizza last night. I have watched nothing else in the past five weeks. No recent movies at the local cinema, no new blu-rays or DVDs, and the recordings are stacking up like crazy on my DVR.

I'm on disc 59, past the point of no return, and the ongoing saga of the eternally cursed Collins family of Collinsport, Maine has become my entire world. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. I'd like to watch that shiny new Batman '66 blu-ray collection sitting on my shelf. But I can't. I can't do anything else. I have to finish watching Dark Shadows.

Watching the complete series from beginning to end is something I've wanted to do since I was a teenager watching reruns of the show on the Sci-Fi Channel, and circumstances have afforded me the opportunity to finally do so. As such, everything else has fallen by the wayside, and Dark Shadows has become my first priority. That's really the reason why there have been no updates since Christmas Day, and I can't guarantee that there will be any regular updates until I have finally finished watching Dark Shadows, and I have no idea when that will happen. But you don't care, because you don't exist, so it's really all good.

Did you forget that I have a podcast? Everybody else did! Hell, I forgot that I had a podcast, because the podcast has nothing to do with Dark Shadows, and has therefore become meaningless. But since I'm here now, I've decided to give all you motherfuckers that don't exist the gift of two brand-new episodes of Why The Fuck Do I Even Bother, the podcast that is slowly but surely wishing itself out of existence.

In episode 80, entitled The Bucket Story, my co-host Titus and I sit in a noisy leather sofa and ramble about how we both wasted ten years of our lives watching TV's Superman Prequel Starring That Guy From The Worthless Remake Of John Carpenter's "The Fog", why all of the people who enjoyed Showtime's Dexter are fools, the glorious trash-fest that is the Double Dragon movie, and the oddball majesty of David Lynch's Frank Herbert's Dune. It's quite something:

Chapter 80: The Bucket Story



In episode 81, entitled Sexy Child Molester, Titus and I sit on the floor of my nerd room and have a good old-fashioned gab-fest. Topics include: Peter Capaldi's inaugural season of Doctor Who, why True Detective may be the best thing to happen to television in at least a decade, why all the geeks who pissed and moaned about the conclusion to True Detective are losers and should kill themselves, the miracle of high speed internet, the past, the future, mummies, and why beautiful women cosplaying as a "sexy" version of fictional child molester/murderer and dream invader Freddy Krueger may in fact be the worst thing ever. It simply is:

Chapter 81: Sexy Child Molester



That's it for now, fictitious audience. I'd like to say that I'll be back in a timely manner, but we all know that's not going to happen. So I'll just go.

THIS IS NOT AN EXIT.