THE CHRISTMAS PARADE
A big city morning show host seeks refuge in a small town, where she helps a burgeoning artist.
Most of this log line is just wrong, but in subtle ways, and it's driving me crazy.
For starters, Hailee Anderson (AnnaLynne McCord) isn't the host of a big morning show in New York City, but the show's Hollywood correspondent, which means she's basically an on-air gossip columnist. And she doesn't seek refuge in the small town of Carver's Bend; she becomes trapped in this Christmas-obsessed Connecticut village by a vindictive judge after she plows through his privacy fence while checking her smartphone, so he sentences her to twenty-five hours of local community service, due to be served in total by Christmas Eve. And she doesn't help a burgeoning artist, because Beck Thomas (Jefferson Brown) already is a talented artist when she meets him; he just lost the passion for painting when his father died some years back, leaving him in charge of the family business, the town's picturesque bed & breakfast. So the above description isn't entirely wrong, per se, it just fudges literally all of the details, which is just frustrating.
Hailee hates Christmas, by the way. One holiday season, long ago, little Hailee asked her mommy and daddy every single day leading up to Christmas for a pretty pink bicycle that she could ride all around town. It was her fondest wish, and of course when Hailee bounded out of her bedroom on Christmas morning, she found that perfect pink bicycle nestled under the tree. Well, maybe not under the tree, since it was already fully assembled, so really more tree-adjacent. But I'm sure it was festooned with a festive bow. And Hailee immediately fell in love with this beautiful pink bicycle, taking it outside and riding it up and down the street, feeling like the queen of all creation.
While out riding her new pink bicycle the next day, she noticed that all of the kids at the park were pointing and laughing at her when she rode by, and she stopped and asked them what they were laughing at. The school's resident spoiled rich girl told Hailee that she donated her pretty pink bicycle to the local church's toy drive the week before, and now Hailee was riding that very same bicycle around town like it was brand-new. Everybody called her "Handout Hailee" and she became a laughingstock at school.
Turns out her father had been laid off from work over the holidays and money was tight, so instead of buying Hailee a brand-new pink bicycle that they simply couldn't afford, her mother found the used bicycle at the church's toy drive and thought it was a Christmas miracle, since it was exactly what her daughter had asked for. But this delightful little dream of Hailee's quickly became a nightmare when she found out the truth and her cruel peers made her life a living hell for the rest of the school year. That's a tough break.
Grown-up Hailee lives in New York City and is dating one of the Property Brothers, I think maybe Drew, but does it really matter? They're identical twins, so they're practically interchangeable. But let's just say that it's Drew Property to make things simpler. Who are the Property Brothers, you're not asking? Why, they're the hosts of a popular home-improvement show called Property Brothers, and it's a pretty big deal if you dwell in certain circles. I've never seen the show myself, but I've seen their ghoulish faces on numerous commercials, and I just don't get the appeal.
And I know these guys tried to make it as actors in Hollywood first before they found their own path to stardom of sorts with their little television empire, but judging from Drew Property's performance in The Christmas Parade, I think I understand why they couldn't find steady work as straight-forward actors. Because Drew Property is really not good at this whole acting gig. He delivers all of his lines like a guy hosting a scripted fictional home improvement show, and not an actor portraying a character in a scripted fictional motion picture. Does that make sense? He talks like he's reading his lines directly from a teleprompter, informing the viewer that some unforeseen obstacle has delayed the arrival of materials crucial to their latest renovation project, and this might cause the crew to miss their projected deadline. I kept expecting him to look directly into the camera and say "we'll be right back" every time he finished speaking.
Drew Property isn't playing himself in The Christmas Parade, in case you're confused. He's playing some big-shot real estate developer named Jason, I think. It could be something else entirely, but I'm not going to look this movie up to confirm, so he's just Jason. Jason Property. Anyway, he sucks eggs. And he's dating Hailee, but we all know that's just temporary, because as soon as she meets that sensitive beefcake Beck in Gobbler's Knob, she's doomed to fall in love with him. That's just science.
Trapped in Grover's Hole, Beck offers to give Hailee an outlet to burn off her compulsory community service hours by helping him and some eager volunteer children complete their ambitious float for the town's annual Christmas Parade, and Hailee grudgingly agrees to take part. While they work to finish their garish night terror of a parade float in time for the parade (made entirely from donated and recycled materials, because they have no budget), Beck worries aloud that the community art center in which they're currently standing may not be around next year, since the town's cartoonishly corrupt mayor is trying to sell the property to one or another out of town developer, who will surely transform this quaint little refuge for impoverished children to make their dreams come true on canvas and in clay into some soulless corporate abomination, like an anonymous office park or a hideous strip mall.
The real reason why Beck and the kids are building this parade float is to win the $15,000 prize for coming in first place at the parade's "best in show" float contest, which is apparently a thing. They've already raised over half the money to buy the community center outright and prevent the sale, and winning this contest will put them over their goal and save their beloved institution. Hearing this touching story, Hailee realizes that Beck is just the sweetest guy in the world, and she falls in love with the big lug right then and there, batting her eyes seductively in his general direction and drinking his non-alcoholic egg nog out of an oversized mug while cozying up next to him in his attic/office.
Ten seconds later, Beck gets a call from Mayor Ka-Ching, who informs his nemesis that he's just sold the community center to Evil Corp. Real Estate, a major player headquartered in New York City, so Beck should just pack it in and go home because he's already the biggest loser in Kevin's Kave and he should probably just hang himself in his garage because he officially has no reason left to live. Hailee recognizes the name of that real estate firm and hauls ass back to New York to confront her ex-boyfriend Jason Property, who is one of the company's partners. He promises to pull out of the deal if she takes him back, because he's a scummy little bastard, and she relents. Ya know, for the kids.
Returning to Gable's Nables, Hailee is greeted by a jubilant Beck, who has just heard that Evil Corp. has ended their bid to purchase the community center, so he's back in the race baby! Literally thirty seconds later, in the same scene, Beck gets another call from Pirate Mayor, informing his eternal adversary that another real estate firm in New York City has just agreed to buy the community center, so all of Beck and Hailee's efforts were for naught, and they should just buy matching his and hers nooses at the general store and go hang themselves in Beck's garage, because they're pathetic failures who have no reason left to live. Beck and company vow to finish the float and join the parade on Christmas Eve regardless of what may happen to the community center in the future, because they still have each other, and that's good enough, dammit.
Hailee, meanwhile, just gets the fuck out of town and heads back to New York City to host her network's big Christmas special, because the melancholy mood around the community center was growing toxic. Smelling something fishy, she performs a quick Google search and learns that the new company that has thrown its hat in the ring to buy the community center is merely a subsidiary of Evil Corp., and Jason Property admits as much, telling Hailee that he wasn't just going to let a multi-million dollar deal go up in smoke for something as trivial as love, then he sneers like William Zabka in Back To School whenever he addresses his hated swim team rival, Rodney Dangerfield's son, who was coincidentally also named Jason. Jason Melon. Not Jason Property.
Man, I love Back To School. I'm sure it would be considered a problematic nightmare in this current climate, but I will never renounce my love for Back To School. Never. It's the movie that introduced me to the joys of Oingo Boingo, one of my very favorite bands in the world, so that alone has earned Back To School and eternal pass from me.
Hailee wises up and kicks her money-grubbing obscenity Jason Property to the curb, vowing to find a way to thwart his evil schemes. Luckily she gets the bright idea at an eleventh-hour meeting with her producers to pitch a different direction for the special, changing the venue from New York City to Garth's Hearth, Connecticut to give the whole project a homespun character that the old pitch was sorely missing. Her producers jump at the brilliant idea, and Hailee heads back to Cooter's Camp to put on her big show, hoping to use this large platform to get the word out about the community arts center, maybe inspiring some generous souls out there to help save Beck's dream of a place where kids can gather after school to make terrible macaroni portraits of their neglectful parents in a judgment-free environment.
Back in town, Beck convinces Hailee to join him on the parade float as the Mrs. Claus to his Santa, and she hosts her holiday special from her candy cane-adorned throne as she waves to all the passersby and tosses candy canes to all the adoring girls and boys who came out to catch a glimpse of their beloved Kris Kringle. The show's a big hit, and Beck's pretty sure his crew has got the contest locked up, not only because their parade float is clearly the best of the bunch, but because theirs is apparently the only parade float in the bunch, since we never see even a glimpse of any others at any point in this entire parade. So even if only be default, Beck's got this in the bag.
But Mayor Azathoth pulls Hailee aside and tells her that he's aware of her plan to drum up support to save the community center, but she's already lost and just doesn't know it yet, since he's chosen to rig the parade contest, keeping Beck's team from collecting the $15,000 prize money, and the deal with Evil Corp. will be closed on December 26th, and there's nothing she or anybody else can do to stop him. Then he laughs maniacally and marches off to his podium to announce the "winner" of the rigged contest. Hailee runs to Beck and tells him of the monstrous mayor's dastardly plan, but there's nothing they can do about it, since the mayor's got them over a barrel.
It is at this moment that the baby Jesus smiles down upon our romantic leads, as Hailee's producer informs her that the microphone she's still wearing was "hot" during her conversation with the mayor, and that he's basically just inadvertently confessed a litany of criminal activity that has been committed to tape, so he's entirely screwed. Beck and Hailee confront the devil's favorite mayor with this information, and he slowly melts before the gathered masses, until there's nothing left of him but a contemptuous puddle quivering in the middle of Main Street, impotently vowing revenge on his many enemies as his viscous mass begins to dribble down the storm drain.
Also, people all across the country have been calling in since Hailee's Christmas special went off the air ten minutes ago, pledging money to help save the town's community arts center, and there's also a Kickstarter that went live and somehow earned over $200,000 in the same amount of time, which is completely fucking impossible, but then again I guess nothing's impossible on Christmas. Except this. All of this is absolutely fucking impossible. Where were these people calling to pledge money? How did they know who to call? And how did... somebody set up and launch a Kickstarter in less than an hour's time, and how did the link to said Kickstarter reach enough people to earn over $200,000 in a matter of literal minutes? A Kickstarter to save a community arts center in a little town nobody has ever heard of.
I call foul. Foul! Foul, dammit!
But whatever, right? It's just a Hallmark Channel original movie, so maybe I shouldn't get bogged down in all the details. But this just feels so forced and unbelievable that I can't let it go. It doesn't make any sense, and I don't understand why it was written this way. The story could have ended with the mayor being forced out of office in disgrace and his sleazy little under the table deal with Evil Corp. dissolving in the process, then the people of Kettle's Corn could gather to raise the money to buy the community arts center themselves, making the place a literal community arts center, by the community and for the community. That would have made sense, and it only took me ten seconds to come up with the idea. Why did this very simple solution elude the three credited screenwriters of The Christmas Parade?
I can't get past this. This breaks the movie for me. Maybe it sounds like an unimportant detail to you, and that's perfectly fine, but for me this ridiculous plot contrivance stands before me like an insurmountable mountain. It's just too much.
Sure, it's not like The Christmas Parade was some great movie before this convenient bullshit, but I was enjoying the experience, at least for the most part. AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown have an excellent rapport, and that makes their scenes together a pleasure to behold. They're just so easy to watch together, and their slow-burn love affair feels genuine. There's a moment during the parade when they just lean in and kiss, and it's so uncharacteristically sweet that I couldn't help but take note. I have never before seen a romantic kiss presented so simply and naturally in one of these movies, and I mean never.
The big romantic kiss is always a big deal in these movies, and it's always framed in a certain way and accompanied by a swell of music and it tends to act as that final flourish that ends the narrative, accompanied directly by a fade to black and rolling credits. Here, it's just a quick, seemingly spontaneous moment between two people who have just realized that they are very much in love and want to share that love with each other. This moment made me appreciate the tender and very believable love story at the heart of The Christmas Parade all the more.
Of course, the movie does end with another, much longer and more elaborate romantic kiss, right after AnnaLynne McCord gives Jefferson Brown the kind of look that I can only describe as the look of a lustful woman who is getting ready to fuck her man to death. Have you ever heard the song "Tear You Apart" by She Wants Revenge? That's the look I'm talking about.
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| There it is. That's the look of a Praying Mantis as she prepares to feast. |
And this very passionate, full-contact kiss takes place in front of all the kids who helped create Beck's big parade float. They're all just staring around awkwardly, trying to ignore these two insatiable fuckers trying to eat each other's faces in full view of the entire town. That's the shot that fades to black, lingering just long enough to become hilariously uncomfortable before the end credits roll by. The movie just had to have its cake and eat it, too.
When I actually sit and think about it, AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown and their characters' relationship was really the only bright spot in the entire movie. None of the other characters were ever fleshed out at all, with the only other adult men with more than two lines in the movie being complete and utter wankers.
The judge who sentences Hailee to her community service was technically in the right, but he was just such a contemptible asshole about everything that he comes across as unreasonably petty and corrupt, using what marginal power he has as an officer of the court in a backwater town to make the life of a "big city woman" just a bit more miserable because he thinks she deserves to be taken down a few pegs. Jason Property is just a corporate prick who wants all the money and nothing else, and the mayor of Griddle's Cakes is slightly less believable a portrait of political corruption than a literal moustache-twirling villainous mayor I saw in a comedic melodrama several years ago. The character's name was "Grabsome Graft", and he was a more subtle caricature of a hopelessly unscrupulous politician than the mayor of The Christmas Parade.
And most of the other characters who populate the invitingly rustic town of Gargamel's Coat only exist to lecture Hailee about the wonders of Christmas, sitting on park benches with empty eyes, just waiting for her to happen by and trip their motion sensors so that they can begin their mechanical, rigidly rehearsed speeches about how Christmastime is a time of miracles and wonder and love, and then they disappear from the movie, never to be seen again. Here's Mr. and Mr. Thomas! They love turtledoves, and let them tell you why! Here's Beck's mother, who knows that there's magic in Christmas cookies, and let her tell you why! It's all just so obvious and phony, delivered by dazed-looking actors who sound like they don't even understand the words that are coming out of their mouths.
So The Christmas Parade sucks. It's just terrible. I almost wanted to give it a pass because AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown are so good in their roles, but ultimately it's the movie that lets them down, and not the other way around. They deserved something better than this abject failure of a movie to showcase their talents. So the movie may be terrible, but I can almost recommend watching it just to see how well these two actors work together. And watch Excision, if you haven't yet. It's not a Christmas movie, and it's not a romance, but it stars AnnaLynne McCord, and it's fantastic. Trust me. Don't read anything about it. Just watch it. Watch Excision.
Scrooged! - Hailee hates Christmas and sees it as nothing more than a commercialized, soulless waste of a holiday, until she meets sensitive artistic Beck and he shows her that Christmas means a lot more than that to so many people. His patient love opens her eyes to the joys of the season, and she embraces the spirit of Christmas when she works with her man to save the community arts center.
Small Town Salvation - Big city-loving Hailee hates bucolic Crabtree's Corner at first, but over her time working with Beck and the kids at the community art center, she slowly succumbs to its old-fashioned charms.
Assistant Chef Jen - Between the small-town judge with an axe to grind, that weasel Jason Property, and the truly over-the-top horror show that is The Mayor, this movie is a cornucopia of Assistant Chefs Jen. Our cup runneth over.
Christmas Magic - All that bullshit about nearly a quarter million dollars raised via a Kickstarter campaign that was launched with no marketing whatsoever, mere minutes after a live televised regional holiday special went off the air must be a Christmas miracle, because there's no earthly way that could otherwise happen.
Christmas In July! - The movie clearly had no budget for fake snow, so they just kept most outdoor sequences restrained to medium shots that focused on the actors centered in the frame, being very careful not to show the tops of surely leaf-laden deciduous trees or the lush green grass at the actors' feet. In rare wide shots, piles of cotton wadding were haphazardly strewn about the sidewalks in a feeble attempt to give the vague impression of snow on the ground, but it never works. At all. It just looks pathetic and makes me sad.
Mommy's Dead - Beck's daddy took ill when his son was studying art at the fucking Sorbonne in Paris, so he came home to be with the old man in his final days, abandoning his passion for painting to run the family bed & breakfast after he passed away.
#HallmarkSoWhite - Holy shit, I'm only now realizing that there wasn't a single minority actor in this entire movie. That big parade at the end of the movie may as well have been a fucking Klan meeting. That makes what, seven tropes for one movie? Damn.
VERDICT: WATCH EXCISION
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