Oliver Stone Hates His Own Career!

So... "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps"!

I'm a fan of Oliver Stone's original "Wall Street". The story grabbed me, and the worthwhile performances by Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, Hal Holbrook and Terence Stamp were phenomenal. But I never really wanted a sequel to the film. I didn't think we really needed one. So when it was announced that 20th Century Fox was actually making a sequel over 20 year later, I just shrugged. I couldn't muster any enthusiasm for it.

So why the hell did I see the sequel? In short, because I was bored, and didn't have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon. That's how shit like this happens.

So 1987's "Wall Street" ended with Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) going to the pokey. No, I guess it didn't. His protégé-turned-nemesis Bud Fox (Chuck Sheen) wore a wire and got Gordon to say some pretty incriminating things on tape, which he then turned over to the feds in exchange for leniency in his own impending securities fraud (and insider trading!) trial.

Bud was determined that if he was going to the big house, then dammit, his old pal Gordy was, too. And that's where we left everyone's favorite soulless, cigar-chomping douchebag for 23 years, until 20th Century Fox lured Oliver Stone back to direct the sequel.

You see, Stone hasn't had anything approaching a hit film since 1999's "Any Given Sunday", and some would argue that he hasn't made a "great" film since either "Natural Born Killers" in 1994, or "JFK" in 1991, depending on who you ask. And after the dismal failure that was "Alexander" (which I actually enjoyed), and the mediocre "World Trade Center", maybe Oliver Stone thought that making a sequel to his 1987 hit would suddenly be relevant in these tough economic times.

Or maybe he's just desperate. Who the hell knows?

"Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" opens way back in the year 2001, with Gordon Gekko's release from prison after an 8 year sentence. Considering the original film took place in 1987, that means Gekko stayed out of prison until 1993. Damn, the wheels of justice turn slowly, don't they?

A limo pulls up in front of the prison, and Gekko has the temerity to believe that the limo is for him. How cute. No, the sweet ride is actually for some other dude who got out of the slammer on the same day. So now poor Gordy is left alone in front of prison, with nobody coming to pick him up. Doesn't that just break your heart?

Cut to: 7 years later. Wait, what? Yes! The story just decides to skip over the story of Gordon Gekko trying to put his life back together outside of prison, and drops us in the delightful apartment shared by Jake and Winnie, two crazy kids just trying to make it work in a world gone mad. Jake is a trader for an investment firm called Keller Zabel, and Winnie does... I think she writes for a non-profit green tech website, or something. I don't really give a shit.

Jake's watching a story about Gordon Gekko on TV. Gekko got bored since we last saw him, and decided to write a book called "Is Greed Good?" And now he's all over the boob tube talking about his brilliant literary work. Jake watches the news story with the dumb grin of an obese child watching his doting mother pull a fresh apple pie out of the oven. I think I'm trying to say that Jake wants to suck Gordon's Gekko.

Winnie bursts in, snatches the remote, turns off the TV, and throws it across the room. The remote, not the TV. She doesn't like seeing Gekko on TV, because she hates her father. That's right, Shia LaBeouf is boning the offspring of Michael Douglas and Sean Young. Considering her genetic stock, the fact that she grew up to resemble a slightly deformed clone of Katie Holmes with a bowlcut is rather disappointing.

Gekko must have conceived this darling child before he went to jail, because in "Wall Street", he only had one kid, and that kid had a penis. For a while during this movie, I thought I was going insane, or perhaps the writers were idiots who forgot that Gordon Gekko only had a son in the first movie. Then I thought maybe "Winnie" was actually Rudy Gekko, who got a sex change later in life and changed his/her first name. But no, we're told that poor Rudy eventually became a junkie and overdosed on some heroin, or crack, or whatever, because his dad was a convict asshole and boo hoo hoo. That's why Winnie hates her old man, I suppose. Because I guess Gordon hooked his kid up with some of his high-end Manhattan dealers before he was sent away.

Keller Zabel shits the bed, because the entire economy is on the verge of collapse, and Frank Langella tries to negotiate a bailout. Josh Brolin steps in, gives Langella the finger, and presents a ludicously cheap counter-offer to buy-out the firm. Langella accepts, wanders around like a confused old man, then jumps in front of a subway train. Somewhere, Josh Brolin laughs maniacally.

You see, Brolin is the head of a rival firm that hit the skids several years earlier. When he came to Langella's firm, asking for a bailout, Langella told Brolin to shove his bailout up his ass, and go ask his new stepmother for the money. But Josh Brolin got pissed off and saved his own firm without Skeletor's help, and now he's on top of the world. So Brolin's really just paying it forward.

Jake is distraught, because Frank Langella was like a father to him, or some shit. Winnie gives him a big hug, and he feels better.

I will now recap the rest of the plot in one really long run-on sentence, because I am already sick of talking about this movie.

Jake meets Gordon Gekko, they become best pals, Josh Brolin offers Jake a job at his firm, Jake accepts because he wants to go deep undercover and fuck Brolin's shit up from the inside like a tapeworm, Gekko uses Jake to get closer to his estranged daughter, the economy dies of a broken heart, Jake and Brolin have a big bike race, the ghost of Skeletor pops up, Brolin does something to piss off Jake involving fusion technology, Jake quits, Gordon tells Jake that he set up a trust in his daughter's name in Switzerland worth 100 million dollars, and that he would give Jake that money to save his wacky scientist pal's fusion research company, Jake talks Winnie into getting the money from Switzerland, Gordon gets the money and fucks off with it to go play God with other people's money in England, Winnie being pregnant and angry, kicks Jake to the curb, and he flies over to the UK to have it out with Gordon, shows him an ultrasound video of his unborn grandson, but Gordon tells Jake to hit the bricks because he's an asshole, Jake does some digging back in NYC and finds some dirt on Brolin, giving it to Winnie so that she can publish it on the web and sink Brolin's career, she does and Brolin takes a fall, Eli Wallach's reanimated corpse shows up and whistles, Brolin's firm comes crawling back to Gordon Gekko, and they all take turns sucking his dick because he's awesome, Jake and Winnie get back together, Gordon swoops in with 100 million bucks and saves the wacky scientist's company, and the film ends with a big party and everybody's fucking happy.

God, I don't like this fucking movie. I tried, I really tried. But this shit just didn't work for me. Gordon Gekko is a supporting player in this movie, which focuses on the boring lives of Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan. Josh Brolin doesn't bring anything to the table as the moustache-twirling villain, and Frank Langella just looks like an old man struggling with dementia who got lost and wandered onto a film set. Michael Douglas is fine in the role (for the most part), but he simply doesn't have enough screen time.

And what's this bullshit about Josh Brolin being the real cause of Gordon Gekko's 8 years of incarceration? We all thought Bud Fox was the guy who screwed Gekko, but no, it was Josh Brolin, the guy we never even fucking met in the first film! He's the sleazy scumbag who sold out Gekko and got him sent to prison, not Bud Fox! That asshole's small potatoes. Fuck that.

This is a serious problem, in my opinion. Charlie Sheen actually shows up as Bud Fox for a cameo in the film, and it did nothing but remind me of a much better movie called "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" that exists in a parallel dimension. When Gordon comes across his old pal Bud at a party, we find out that Bud finally became the soulless, money-obsessed dick his father was always worried he would become, and that he actually sold off Bluestar Airlines, the company that Bud swam through a world of shit to save in the first film.

This scene should have been the seed of a better sequel. A film where Gordon Gekko gets out of prison and tries to start over. He finds out that Bud Fox managed to avoid jail time for his part in the events of the original film, and that he's essentially the new "Gordon Gekko" on the street. So Gekko sets his sights on taking down his old protégé and rebuilding his own empire in the process. He could try to reconcile with his estranged wife and son (no daughter) while he wrestles with the fact that while Bud Fox is a monster of sorts, he's a monster that Gekko himself essentially created. And yes, the story could still be set against the backdrop of the economic collapse of 2008.

You could even throw in Shia LaBeouf as an idealistic young trader who Gekko uses as his soldier in the field against his nemesis Bud Fox. Gekko could position himself as the man behind-the-scenes while LaBeouf is the public face, his weapon against Fox. That way the film could still tread on the familiar ground of corruption and the loss of innocence, and LaBeouf's character could actually have a real crisis of conscience in this film, instead of being such a fucking Dudley Do Right.

That's not what we got, however. No, the Oliver Stone of 1987 gave us a "Wall Street" with shades of grey, with characters that felt more like real people dealing with real human problems, and an ambiguous, darker ending where nobody gets away clean. The Oliver Stone of 2010 gave us a "Wall Street" with two dimensional caricatures, one-dimensional villains, and a big, sappy, wet fart of a conclusion.

I hate the Oliver Stone of 2010.

On a positive note, I did love the musical contributions from David Byrne and Brian Eno in the film. But I already owned their fantastic album, "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today", so I guess this movie was completey worthless.

Reviews of "The Social Network" and "My Soul To Take in 3D" are coming soon, for the 12 people who actually read this damned blog. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink some whiskey and watch "Sons Of Anarchy" on iTunes because Dish Network hates me.

Resident Evil: Afterbirth 3-D!!!

A few weeks ago, I saw the latest entry in Paul W.S. Anderson's venerable "Resident Evil" film franchise with my dear cousin Ky. Instead of sitting down and spending several hours writing out a review, I opted to try something a little different. So instead, I sat down with Ky, and we had a little conversation. This is a slightly edited version of that semi-coherent conversation, an A/V experiment, if you will. Enjoy it.



P.S. I later learned that Jill Valentine did pop up in a post-credits moment, under the influence of one of the aforementioned scarab-thingies. We did not stay for the credits, because we were all too eager to get the fuck out of the theatre, and away from this atrocity of a motion picture.

And He Used To be Such A Sweet Guy...

"Machete" was a fake trailer for a movie that didn't exist. And now the fake film that the fake trailer advertised is real. A rare case of cinematic reverse-engineering. Isn't that weird?!

Robert Rodriguez shares directing credit with some dude named Ethan Maniquis, who has worked with Rodriguez as an editor since "Desperado". I wonder how much of the actual film Mr. Rodriguez actually shot, however. Perhaps the only reason he has a directing credit is because the feature film used essentially all of the footage from the original trailer. Alas, I'm not Facebook friends with Robert Rodriguez, and he continues to ignore my e-mails, so I don't have any answers.

So "Machete" tells the story of sweet Uncle Machete from the "Spy Kids" films, and how he, a Mexican federal agent with a family, lost everything and became an engine of vengeance-fueled destruction. He and a nervous parter are en route to rescue a kidnapped young woman from international drug lord and all-around badass Torrez, but are met with a hail of bullets from a gaggle of henchmen. The nervous partner does not survive this barrage. But of course, Machete does!

He whips out his signature blade, carves up a bunch of people, and finds a naked young woman inside of the safe house. He thinks he's saved the day, but is betrayed when the very naked victim stabs him! He was distracted by the nudity. So with Machete immobilized, she pulls a cell phone out of her vagina (complete with gratuitous squelching sounds) and calls her boss, who is conveniently waiting outside the safe house, and walks right in the instant she hangs up.

So if Torrez was outside the whole time, why did she bother calling him with the cell phone she smuggled inside of her vagina? Oh right, because it's an exploitation film. In retrospect, it's a completely useless moment in a narrative sense, but it got a big reaction from the audience, so it was all worth it.

Oddly enough, Steven Seagal got a bigger reaction from the audience when he walked into the safe house. I think people were just shocked when they realized that Seagal was in a theatrical motion picture. Jesus, he's bloated. I thought he might want to lose a few pounds before he had to shoot this role, but I guess Stephen Seagal told dieting to go fuck itself years ago.

So Seagal (as Torrez) spouts some dialogue in perhaps the worst spanish accent I have ever heard, and then he kills Machete's family. And then he kills Machete. No, he's not really dead. It would be a pretty fucking short movie if our star checked out during the prologue. He's only mostly dead. He gets better, and decides to travel to the USA to toil as a day laborer in Texas. Because what else is he going to do?

If you've seen the original trailer, then you basically know the plot. Machete is hired to kill a Senator, is betrayed by his employer, left for dead, and comes back for revenge. The feature film expands on with the events of the prologue, explaining how Machete, an ex-federale, found himself working as a day laborer/mercenary in the great state of Texas. This also means that we have two big bad guys instead of one.

Or not. You see, Torrez has his sausage fingers in many pies. He says in the prologue that he has members of law enforcement on both sides of the border in his pocket, being such a powerful man. He is also supporting Texas Senator McLaughlin's re-election bid, because his tough stance on immigration will keep the flow of narcotics across the border at a trickle. This will allow Torrez to continue selling his product at a premium.

That's why McLaughlin's henchman Booth (Jeff Fahey) orchestrated the bogus assassination attempt in the first place. When the story breaks that a crazed illegal immigrant tried to kill Senator McLaughlin, his re-election is essentially wrapped up. It's a win-win! Unfortunately for the bad guys, they did, in fact, fuck with the wrong Mexican.

It would be nice if that were the entire story. Nice and neat, right? That's not how it pans out. No, we wouldn't be satisfied with a simple, campy revenge story. We have to throw in a b-plot involving an Immigration & Customs Enforcement agent named Sartana (Jessica Alba), who is out to bust local taco truck vendor and Mexican Underground Railroad conductor Luz (Michelle Rodriguez).

I don't really want to sit here and type out the entire plot to "Machete". Instead, I am going to mention some things I liked about the movie, and some things I didn't like. It's easier, that way.

What Did I Like?

Jeff Fahey

I've liked Jeff Fahey for years. I remember watching a slew of movies on cable as a young lad starring the guy. There was "Parker Kane", "Body Parts", "The Sketch Artist", "The Lawnmower Man", "The Hist List", "The Sketch Artist 2", etc. None of these movies were what you would call "great", or even "good" in some cases. But Jeff Fahey was always good. He just seemed to have this natural charm that drew me in. Of course, I was a young and impressionable child, so I may have just been stupid. But I always liked the guy, and wished that he would break out in Hollywood. Bigger and better things, you know?

But that never really happened. Sure, he's been working steadily for over two decades, but he's hardly ever been in any films of merit. When he was cast in "Lost" a few years ago, I was reminded of two things: that Jeff Fahey was still alive, and that he still had that natural charm that I remembered from my youth.

Gosh, remember "The Lawnmower Man"? I loved that movie when I was a kid. I was the guy who actually saw the sequel in theatres, when it was subtitled "Beyond Cyberspace". I always wondered why they changed the title to "Jobe's War" when it was released on video. I mean, the new subtitle is technically more apt, but I still prefer "Beyond Cyberspace".

That's all inconsequential, because Jeff Fahey wasn't in the sequel. No, he was too smart to agree to star in that mess. Matt Frewer bit that bullet, the poor bastard. Fahey went full retard in "The Lawnmower Man". That was a brave thing. I think he just watched Lon Chaney, Jr. in "Of Mice And Men" over and over to get into character. He even wore the fucking denim overalls. Genius.

I remember finding a VHS copy of the director's cut of "The Lawnmower Man" at a used book store years ago. I was surprised at how much better this version of the film actually was. Over 30 minutes were added to the film, and these extra minutes manage to bring a lot of nuance into the narrative. I know that sounds insane, what I just typed. How the fuck could there be any nuance in a fucking movie like "The Lawnmower Man"? To be fair, the director's cut doesn't make the film a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, but it's certainly a better film.

I was always confused by the story of the escaped chimp in the theatrical version. The way it was all cut together, it comes across as a pointless dream sequence. But in the director's cut, we finally get the complete, tragic story of poor Rosco the military chimpanzee. Jobe mistakes Rosco for a comic book superhero named "Cyboman" (give him a break, he's retarded), and tries to hide the chimp from the military. This does not end well for Rosco, and he gets ventilated for his trouble.

It's very sad. After Jobe watches his favorite superhero ever get blasted to the great beyond by a bunch of armed assholes, he breaks down crying. And god dammit, Fahey really sells this shit!

Wait, I'm supposed to be talking about "Machete". So Jeff Fahey is in "Machete". He's great. Then he gets shot by Robert Deniro in a limosine when he realizes that his loyal henchmen orchestrated the fake assassination attempt to curry favor with the voters. That's not so great.

Tom Savini

Everyone's favorite make-up effects guru plays a hit man in the film. A hit man that Booth hires based on his amazing internet audition video. Seriously, that entire video had better be on the DVD. The tiny snippet included in the film is absolutely hilarious.

Savini rolls in with some of goons and descends on Cheech Marin, playing Machete's priest brother. Marin gets a couple of cool moments dispatching a few of the goons with his shotguns before Savini annihilates the reformed stoner's kneecap with an assault rifle. Booth shows up, and the two villains decide to crucify Cheech in the church.

Tom Savini crucifies Cheech Marin. That really happened. Stoner Christ.

After this delightful moment, Booth gets a text from Machete (even though Machete don't text), and realizes that he's coming for them. Savini mentions that Machete is coming for Booth, and not for him. And he decides to do the smartest thing anyone in this movie does, and gets the fuck out of town. Savini survives to crucify another day.

Steven Seagal

I can't believe that Steven Seagal is even in this movie. I thought theatrical motion pictures featuring Seagal were outlawed in the United States five years ago. And the fact that he's playing a bad guy is amazing. I didn't think the man would ever compromise his strong moral code, even in a movie. And he's playing a murdering scumbag drug lord. Pardon me, he's playing a Mexican murdering scumbag drug lord.

He's not a good actor. He's never been a good actor. We all know this. If it's even possible, he's somehow become a worse actor over the years. He's too busy harassing people as a "cop" on "Steven Seagal: Lawman" to remember any of the acting lessons Michael Caine may have taught the man whilst filming "On Deadly Ground".

Seagal doesn't have a huge role in "Machete", but he's the character who looms over the unfolding events, like Harry Lime in "The Third Man". Holy shit, did I just compare Steven Seagal to Orson Welles?

...Anyway, after the prologue, Seagal's role is relegated to irregular faux Skype conversations with Jeff Fahey regarding the progress of their plan to have McLaughlin erect an electrified fence on the US/Mexico border. But Torrez does travel to Texas to have his big showdown with old nemesis Machete in the film's climax.

Torrez brings a katana. Machete whips out the biggest machete on Earth. It's ridiculous, this machete. It's basically a big sword. Our over-the-hill titans clash, and despite the innate hilarity of this pair crossing blades, I was consistently distracted by a pair of extras pretending to duel in the background. These two guys were not really committed to the whole "fighting" thing, and it shows.

This big fight is taking place in the foreground, and I found myself wanting to push the two real actors out of the way to watch the two poorly-paid extras with rubber weapons behind them go at it. No slight to the mediocre fight choreography our main hero and villain were saddled with, I was just so distracted by the two goofs behind them that I became more invested in how their titanic struggle panned out, as opposed to the main fight.

Until Torrez got his own katana slammed through his gut.

With his own sword hilt protruding from his belly, Torrez commences talking shit to his opponent. He shrugs off the wound, telling Machete that he could pull his sword out of his abdomen and kill the guy with it if he so chose. But he decides against this course of action, because it would only mean that Machete would be waiting for him in Hell. So Torrez decides to commit seppuku, dragging his sword across his abdomen, spilling his guts on the black top.

The whole sequence is hilarious. When Seagal grips his sword hilt and spits out the words "fuck it" before he proceeds to empty his vital organs on the dirty ground, I just lost it. I have a feeling that Seagal wrote his own ending for his character, because he refused to have anyone else kill him. He's that kind of guy. If Torrez's suicide is actually in the script, I'll be shocked. Either way, it's fucking great.

Machete Don't Text

Machete mentions earlier in the film that he's not the texting type. So when he finally picks up a cell phone and decides it's time to step into the 21st century, it's funny. To be clear, the only thing that's really funny about this is watching Danny Trejo tapping on the alpha-numeric keypad with his massive, ape-like fingers. Hilarity.

Also priceless is Jeff Fahey's reaction. "I just got a text from Machete." It's the way that Fahey sells the line that kills me, with his wide, unbelieving eyes and throaty whisper. He can't believe that this troglodyte actually texted him. And neither can I.

Michelle Rodriguez

I've never been a huge Michelle Rodriguez fan. She always seems to play the same surly bitch in every movie she's in. Don't get me wrong, she's great at it, but it's starting to feel a little stale. I can't imagine her headlining any romantic comedies, but surely she could stretch herself a little.

That being said, when I saw the first official trailer for "Machete" (not the fake trailer), I was confused. Michelle popped up briefly in the trailer stepping out of the back of ambulance, wearing a leather bra and an eyepatch, with a pair of guns strapped to her hips. She looked hot. I've never seen her look hot before. Was it the eyepatch? Perhaps I have some buried fetish for women wearing eyepatches...

That was all I had to go on, at any rate. She didn't really say anything in the trailer. She was just this one-eyed presence, blasting away at unseen enemies like some kind of modern Amazon. Needless to say, I was already sold. I didn't give a damn if she played the same one-note character in "Machete", as long as she showed up in the third act wearing that get-up, I didn't care.

After seeing the film, I'm pleased to say that Michelle Rodriguez almost played a three-dimensional character in "Machete". Her Luz runs a taco truck that caters to the numerous day laborers in the area. She's a kind, sympathetic soul, who also uses her connections to help her people find a better life in the United States. Her truck is also decorated with propaganda images displaying a shadowy revolutionary called She', a figure who fights the good fight wherever decent people are oppressed.

When she's not butting heads with ICE agent Sartana, she finds herself drawn to the mysterious Machete, and when he asks her about She', Luz admits that the revolutionary warrior is a work of fiction, created as a mere symbol to give the downtrodden a small spark of hope. Rodriguez actually comes across as very sympathetic in this scene. Her character isn't a one-note, tough as nails type; she's just a woman of limited means doing everything she can to help the less fortunate.

It's hardly an Oscar-worthy role; this is a "Mexploitation" flick we're talking about, after all. But Michelle Rodriguez surprised me with her character's occassional moments of warmth.

After Don Johnson and his goons link Machete to Luz, Booth shoots her in the eye, and she apparently dies. Of course, we've seen the trailers, and we know that she returns during the film's climax as a one-eyed avenging angel. I just wish that this plot point had remained out of the trailers. It would have been much more effective if the audience genuinely thought Luz was dead, so that when she climbs out of that ambulance loaded for bear, we could all be pleasantly surprised. It's really a minor thing, though.

It's still a cool moment, because Luz finally takes up the mantle of She', becoming the legendary warrior she had created to inspire others years ago. She' kicks a great deal of ass, and looks hot while she does it. In the end, I was honestly disappointed that the movie didn't focus more on Michelle Rodriguez, because she was a serious highlight.

With any luck, we'll get a spin-off movie featuring She' overthrowing some South American dictator in brutal fashion. I doubt it, though. I'm still waiting for my "Man With No Eyes" spin-off starring Johnny Depp.

What Didn't I Like?

Robert Deniro

To be fair, I didn't always dislike Mr. Deniro in the film. There were moments scattered throughout the movie where Deniro was clearly having a good time playing his minor role as the corrupt, racist Senator McLaughlin. His rather ridiculous good ole' boy accent is proof of that. At times there's a life in his eyes that I haven't seen in years. But there are also times when he just seems bored, like he realized what kind of movie he was in and got depressed.

I did like some of the curveballs the film threw at him. Early in the film, we're shown a sequence involving a group of Minute Men-esque characters patrolling the border, led by Don Johnson (sporting the sharpest, most well-defined sideburns I may have ever seen in a theatrical motion picture). They spot a pair of Mexicans, a man and his pregnant companion, attempting to cross into American soil.

Johnson kills the pregnant woman, because he doesn't want her "anchor baby" born in the USA. An unseen shooter guns down the man, and it's revealed to be Senator McLaughlin, riding along with his militia pals. It's a pretty decent introduction, actually. We learn basically everything we need to know about the guy, right there.

Later on, Johnson and his pals kidnap McLaughlin when they learn that their shooting buddy is in bed with Torrez, forcing him to record a statement identifying himself as a traitor against his country. When the militia compound is besieged by an army of angry immigrants, McLaughlin escapes and is confronted by She', who gives the Senator a choice: die where he stands, or fight with the immigrants he despises.

Obviously McLaughlin, being a man who will do anything to save his own skin, dons a tattered hoodie and ridiculous straw hat and runs around the compound shooting at any white people he sees. This is awesome.

Unfortunately, it doesn't last very long. A little background: Lindsey Lohan plays Booth's drug-addicted daughter in the film. When she learns that McLaughlin has murdered her beloved daddy, she vows revenge. She arrives at the compound dressed like a nun (I don't know why) and shoots McLaughlin. Then she haphazardly fires her gun at a crowd of fighters, miraculously disarming them all. I don't get it, either.

I couldn't believe I saw Lindsey Lohan shoot Robert Deniro.

Luckily, McLaughlin was only playing dead, because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest. So our beloved Senator escapes, living to fight another day. At the end of the film, we see the Senator trekking across the border to Mexico, headed South to put his life back together.

That would have been a great ending to his story, but alas, that's not all. A few of Don Johnson's surviving buddies catch up to the Senator and murder the bastard, just because the movie wanted to have its cake and eat it, too. Lame.

Lindsey Lohan

And what about Lindsey Lohan? She's hardly in the movie, and when she is featured, she doesn't have much to do. She apparently makes money running a pornographic website. She convinces her mother to cavort naked in their swimming pool with her for one of her videos. Machete shows up and gets it on with them both before he drugs and kidnaps them.

But this footage should be familiar to anybody who has seen the original fake trailer, because that's all it is. Remember the shot with Machete in the pool with the two naked chicks? That's what this is. So we have an obvious body double in this sequence who looks nothing like Lindsey Lohan. Were Rodriguez and Maniquis doing this because they didn't think we'd notice? Or was it just another homage to the exploitation films of yore? Either way, it was incredibly distracting.

Machete drops the slutty mother-daughter pair off at the church for Cheech to look after. I'm not sure where they were when Tom Savini and Jeff Fahey were crucifying the guy, however. Sleeping?

Sex Scenes? What Sex Scenes?

So every time Machete is about to bed one lovely lady or another, this stupid generic "porno" music plays and the scene fades out. I hate that. Now, I don't necessarily want to see Danny Trejo's naked, sweating mass pumping away at Michelle Rodriguez, but it's just the idea that we can't actually see any sex scenes in a film like this. It's so bizarre. Michelle Rodriguez waves an egg around Danny Trejo's face, they share some "sexy" banter, then we fade to black. It's fucking weird.

It's the same stupid decision that I hated about "Planet Terror". It's a fucking exploitation movie! At least "Planet Terror" managed to fall back on that cutesy "scene missing" schtick. At least we get to see Jessica Alba standing naked in a shower, her arms and legs strategically placed to avoid revealing anything "inappropriate". Thanks, assholes!

Fuck Jessica Alba

God, she has got to be one of the worst actresses in modern cinema. She has never been good. Never. And I'm not sure why everyone thinks she's so attractive, either. Her face carries the constant expression of an over-medicated mental patient. Except when she tries to play badass, then she looks like a brain-damaged kid playing an overenthusiastic game of "cops n' robbers".

Her character is supposed to be a hardass with a chip on her shoulder for being overlooked for promotion time and time again. There's supposed to be some sort of conflict regarding her job as a Customs officer and her heritage, but the script can't manage to give her anything resembling a character arc. A better actress could still bring some subtext to this role. Jessica Alba is hardly an "actress".

When she finally does her big hero turn in the third act, she climbs atop a car and gives a rousing speech to a cadre of disenfranchised immigrants. At least, I'm sure that's what it said in the script. Jessica Alba just yells a bunch of lines with no hint of conviction and raises her fist. It's pathetic.

And at the end of the film, when Machete is riding off into the night on his motorcycle, he's pulled over by Jessica Alba in a Sheriff's Department cruiser (I don't know why), and she's dressed in a "slutty cop" halloween costume. She climbs on Machete's hawg (heh) and they exit the film together.

Why? There was no sexual chemistry between these two characters, at all. Hell, there was no chemistry, period. Why in the name of Mrs. Wiffle's Frozen Kitchen would Machete choose this untalented statue to be his old lady? It should have been Michelle Rodriguez tooling around America with Machete, not Jessica fucking Alba. At least I could buy a relationship between She' and Machete. I mean, that almost makes sense.

The Big Climax

Overall, the climactic duel between Don Johnson's milita, Torrez's cartel hoodlums, and the army of crazed immigrants falls flat. It starts off promising, with an armada of lowriders prowling the streets, en route to their date with destiny. Machete's crew is ready to fuck shit up. But the battle quickly degenerates into a mess of shoddy fight choreography, digital blood, and missed opportunites.

Remember the big moment that closes the original trailer, with Machete sailing through the air on his chopper, mounted gatling gun blazing? That's in the movie. And that's it. He sails through the air for two seconds, blasts a handful of goons, then it's over. We never see this amazing chopper-mounted personnel destroyer again. We don't even get one random shot of Machete riding around the compound, blasting away at his enemies. It's useless.

And She's big reveal is ultimately disappointing. She has a lot of guns strapped to her. She stands in one place, empties all of her guns, discards them, then the movie cuts to some other pointless fight sequence. There's so much wasted potential in this sequence, it's astounding.

But I do have to give it a few points for the ridiculous factor. Seeing an angry ice cream vendor run into the fray, still pushing his cart filled with delicious frozen treats is a funny sight gag. Watching a bunch of hotel kitchen staff members fighting with pots and pans was amusing. And the Babysitter Twins showing up, raining hell on nobody in particular was worth a laugh.

What Else?

Machete escapes from a hospital by eviscerating one hapless henchman, using his intestinal tract as a rope as he leaps out a 4th floor window. Good times.

In The End...

Despite its flaws, "Machete" really is just a dumb, entertaining movie. I may have a few problems with it, but none of them hampered my enjoyment. I saw it on Labor Day with my cousin Ky, my brother Matt, and his girlfriend Amanda. And we all had a blast. I hope Rodriguez and his new protege, Ethan Maniquis make a sequel.

One suggestion: More Michelle Rodriguez, Less Jessica Alba.

Blood Dumpster

Are you ready for the night of 1,000 tampons?

The Hill Person Threw A Party: Get Low

Felix Bush is an enigma. He has lived alone deep in the woods for decades, never bothering to contact anybody. The children are terrified of the crazy old hermit, who is liable to welcome you with a loaded shotgun if you find yourself on his property. Most of the adults, however, don't think about him very often. Out of sight, out of mind. But the old-timers in town, they love to tell a tale or two about old Felix. In fact, if you asked around, you'd find that just about everybody has their own story to tell regarding the old man in the woods.

But what's the truth? People love to gossip, that never changes. And most folks have their own ideas as to why Felix Bush has isolated himself in the backwoods of circa-1930s Tennessee. But nobody knows, for sure. Because the only person left alive who knows the truth isn't telling it.

And then day Felix rode into town on an old wagon, and paid a visit to the local funeral parlor.

Hopefully you've seen the trailer for "Get Low", and know the basic plot of the story. If not, let me break it down for you: Old hermit Felix Bush knows that he's not long for this world, and decides to hold a living wake, of sorts. He wants everybody in town to come to a big party, complete with food and live music, where they can all share their stories of Mr. Bush, and where he may finally share his own story with all of them.

These days, the idea of a living wake is not that uncommon. Many people suffering from terminal illnesses choose to have these "dress rehersals", for a variety of reasons. But over 70 years ago, in the rural American South, this was unheard of. Funerals were for the dead, and the dead alone. But Felix has carried a heavy burden for a very long time, and is determined to exorcise his personal demons before it's too late.

I don't really want to say anymore about the film's story. There's no great 3rd act twist to this tale, so that's not the reason. No, I just don't want to spoil the movie. That's shocking, isn't it? Besides, this film isn't really about the story, at least not for me. No, this film is all about the actors. First-time feature film director Aaron Schneider has surrounded himself with a stellar cast, and they deliver some fantastic performances.

Robert Duvall is amazing as Felix Bush. He just inhabits the role; he never feels like he's "acting". His Felix feels like a real person who has isolated himself from civilization as some sort of penance for his past sins. There's a deep pain written into the lines of his face, and his eyes present a hard facade, barely masking a buried sorrow always threatening to surface.

When Felix finally does take the stage at his "funeral party", his monologue is absolutely enthralling. He punctuates his tale with the occassional sneer of anger, a sharp intake of breath through clenched jaws, and brief moments where he simply finds himself lost in his memories, standing in a heavy silence. It's one of the most amazing acting moments I have seen in a very long time.

And in the auditorium, the entire audience sat in rapt silence. Nobody crunched on their popcorn, or slurped their sodas. For five minutes, absolutely nothing could distract them from the screen. I can't remember the last time I've seen that happen. That's what a legend like Robert Duvall can do.

Bill Murray, playing funeral parlor owner Frank Quinn, is pitch-perfect in his role. In a film dealing with some pretty heavy subject matter, this role, primarily geared toward some much-needed comic relief, could have been a stereotypical disaster. But Murray is the master of subdued, straight-faced humor. He's funnier because he's not playing it over-the-top. He's not manic, and he never winks to the crowd.

This, I've learned from years of watching comedies, is a very rare talent. And it seems to be a natural gift for Bill Murray, who has been putting every other comedic actor to shame on film since "Ghostbusters".

Let's look at his introduction in the film: Quinn comes into work one morning, sits at his desk, and laments to his assistant Buddy (played by Lucas Black) that people seem to be dying everywhere except for his neck of the woods. Everybody dies, so being a funeral director he should never be hurting for work. But the citizens of his small town stubbornly refuse to die.

Now this scene could go several different ways with the dialogue as written. One could choose to be melodramatic, to hang their head and moan, really milking the scene for their own misguided definition of comedy. Or they could play it completely straight. There is very little about the scene's dialogue that is funny, in and of itself. It's all about the delivery.

And Bill Murray knows delivery. He knows exactly how to play this scene, with subtle undertones to his speech, small mannerisms and almost imperceptible facial expressions that all serve to make his performance funny without drawing undue attention to himself. It's fascinating to watch. And nobody does this better than him.

Then we have Sissy Spacek as Mattie Darrow, the woman who used to date Felix many, many years ago. After a family tragedy, she left town and started a family. After her husband died, she returned to her hometown, because it's really the only place she has left that she can call "home". She plays a regular card game with several of the notable men in town, among them Frank Quinn, who clearly carries a torch for her.

Sissy Spacek has the kindest eyes I've ever seen in film. There's this innate quality to them, some kind of eternal innocence that is just magical. She's also pretty versatile, considering her turn as a rather villainous lobbyist in the previous season of HBO's "Big Love". She used her soft, kind eyes as a weapon in her role, disarming her opponents with her warm smile. She was the bright spot in an otherwise disappointing season.

Spacek, unsurprisingly, does a fine job in "Get Low". When she happens across Felix after so long, her youthful enthusiasm returns with her pleasant memories of the man he used to be. But there's pain, as well, because not only was Felix the first man she ever loved, he was also the first man to break her heart. And Felix's haunting secret is tied to Mattie, although she doesn't realize it.

Throw in Lucas Black, a young actor with a long track record, as Buddy. I was first introduced to Black in the late, great series, "American Gothic". He had a natural presence on-screen, and I was a little disappointed with his career trajectory, as of late. Sure, he was good in "Cold Mountain", "Friday Night Lights", and "Jarhead", but those were supporting roles. The only films I've seen where Lucas Black played the lead were "The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift" and "Legion". Neither of these films is really any good, and his performances were lacking.

In "Get Low", I suppose you could call his role a supporting one, although I believe his screentime is equal to Bill Murray's. Frank Quinn tends to keep his distance from Felix, rarely engaging in any substantial conversation with the man, choosing to maintain a more "professional" relationship. Buddy spends time with Felix. He tries to get to know the man, which is incredibly difficult, because Felix isn't the type for chit-chat.

Over time, however, Buddy does manage to get through to Felix, in a way. In the final act, you can see that Felix has grown comfortable with the young man. His body language is more relaxed, and he speaks (just a bit) more liberally. If Felix had more time, one could imagine these two characters becoming close friends.

Lucas Black plays Buddy as a young man doing whatever he can to take care of his new family, even if that means putting up with his eccentric employer. At numerous points in the film, you can see the exasperation on Buddy's face when Frank says or does something he deems inappropriate. Once again, it's subtle; there are no drama queens in this movie. Nobody is out to draw attention to themselves. Black, like all of the other principal actors, lets his character shine through, and doesn't drown in melodramatics.

Last, but certainly not least, is Bill Cobbs. This man has been working seemingly without rest (if you look him up on IMDB) since 1974. He's been in A-list hollywood blockbusters, Z-grade hollywood dreck, hit TV sitcoms and dramas, but he's never gotten his proper due. Most people don't even know who the man is, and I think that's a travesty. He's always good. Let me say that again: He's always good. He's made episodes of "Enterprise" and "Yes, Dear" watchable. That's quite the accomplishment.

Morgan Freeman has the career Bill Cobbs deserves.

In "Get Low", Cobbs plays Reverend Charlie Jackson, Felix's oldest (and only) friend in the world. A skilled carpenter and craftsman, Felix built the chapel where Charlie's congregation gathers every Sunday. Charlie also happens to be the only other soul who knows what secret Felix has been hiding for so long.

When Felix walks into Charlie's chapel for the first time in over thirty years, Charlie embraces his old friend like a brother. But their pleasant reunion doesn't last long; as soon as Felix confides in him, telling Charlie that he doesn't believe he has the strength to tell his story, Charlie admonishes him.

Felix wants Charlie to come to his "funeral party" and tell the story in his stead, but the old preacher refuses. It's simply not his story to tell. It doesn't matter if Charlie tells the entire world what terrible thing happened all those years ago. It won't mean a damned thing unless Felix finds the courage to do it, himself.

Charlie acts as Felix's conscience in the film. He's the little angel on his friend's shoulder, telling him to get right with the world before it's too late. He's at times kind, stern, disapproving and downright angry. But he cares about Felix. That fact is evident with every moment of Bill Cobbs' performance.

Although Charlie isn't introduced in the film until around the halfway mark, he becomes a big presence in the film from that point forward. That was a pleasant surprise, for me. I feared that after the scene Charlie shared with Felix in the chapel, we would simply never see the old preacher again. I'm glad I was proven wrong. Because Bill Cobbs is this film's secret weapon. The film is simply a better one with the presence of Charlie in the second half of the film, and with Cobbs and his natural charisma and likeability.

And of course, the man won't get the recognition he deserves for this role, because it's not as big as Duvall's role, not as meaty. Cobbs doesn't get a big speech in front of a large group of people; he gets an intimate conversation in an old, quiet chapel. Bill Cobbs is just doing what he's been doing for over thirty years. He's a great character actor.

And most character actors, sadly, don't receive their due by the masses until after they've died. Just look at J.T. Walsh. Now that he doesn't pop up in your mid-budget thrillers and character studies, you miss him. We really don't know what we've got until it's gone. Well, not me. I appreciate Bill Cobbs.

Now that I've discussed the performances, what about the rest of the movie? What about all of the other elements that come together to make a motion picture? Director Schneider does a perfectly fine job with his first real movie. He understood the kind of movie he was making. All he had to really do was point the camera at the amazing actors and let them do most of the work. And that's more or less what he does. None of the cinematography really draws your attention, which is a good thing. Remember, this film is really about the actors, anyway.

The original music by Jan Kaczmarek and Jerry Douglas does an admirable job of setting the mood. It maintains the elements of traditional Southern bluegrass music, with no danger of sliding into parody territory. I wouldn't mind owning the soundtrack, honestly. I may just have to go pick that up. The production design is superb, really. No elements of this film's world ever rang false. Overall, it's a solid production.

I would like to mention one scene that I especially enjoyed, before I move on. This is the first real scene of the film, and the moment that eventually drives Felix to return to civilization. It's the middle of the night, and Felix is overcome with pain. He believes he's going to die. So what does he do? He steps outside in the pouring rain, his blanket wrapped around him, clutching an oil lamp. He staggers over to the stable, where he keeps his mule.

Inside, he fills his mule's trough with grain, and finally opens the gate, before sitting down on an old chair, drifting off to sleep, and presumably, death. When he wakes up in the morning, he's surprised that he's still alive. He's even more surprised when he walks outside the stable to see his mule sitting in the dirt, waiting for him.

It's a sequence of sadness, humanity, compassion and humor, all at once. And it's a beautiful thing.

An American. Not the American: The American

So George Clooney's back. And he's great. Is that a surprise? Of course it isn't. Do you want to know what's surprising about "The American"? He manages to be great without relying on the easy-going charm that has served him so well in the past. That's pretty cool, actually. The protagonist of "The American" is not a particularly pleasant fellow.

Don't get me wrong, Dear Imaginary Reader, he can be amicable, even cordial. But his eyes are cold and cruel. Jack (or Edward, depending on who you ask) is an assassin, of sorts. He's clearly been playing this game for a long time. But in the opening moments in the film, Jack's respite in Sweden is broken by violence. We can assume that this is a retaliation of sorts, although it's never made clear.

There are no definitive answers in this film, although it is never hard to follow. If you just sit down and watch the damned movie, you'll never be lost. That's the thing about real life that people find maddening when it's replicated in movies.

"What do you mean I can't be spoonfed every last detail? But how will I know what's going on if you don't carry me in your arms like an exhausted toddler coming down from an ice cream-induced sugar high? Placate me!!!"

I find it maddening that so many people in the world simply won't give a movie a chance because they heard it's "too talky" or "confusing". Where did our attention spans go? I blame the smartphone.

Anyway, after shit goes South in Sweden, Jack calls his employer Pavel, and he's told to lie low in a small Italian village until he is contacted. Jack drives to this quaint little hole in the wall, gets freaked out when everybody realizes that George Clooney has just pulled into town and stares intently at this devastatingly handsome actor, then fucks off up the road to another quaint little hole in the wall before the paparazzi show up.

Taking up temporary residence in rural Italy, Pavel gives Jackie Boy a new job: assemble a specialized weapon for an attractive, mysterious woman named Mathilde, because she desperately wants to kill somebody in style. Jack reluctantly agrees to do this One. Last. Job.

Jack also starts banging a gorgeous prostitute named Clara, who has absolutely no objections to getting nude early and often. On top of that, Jack befriends an old priest who had a penchant for breaking his vow of chastity in the old days. Jack's a popular guy.

In between numerous scenes of Jack working out, Jack building Omega Gun, Jack fucking Clara, Jack eating dinner with the priest, Jack walking with the priest in a graveyard, and more idyllic picnics than you can shake a loaded .44 magnum at, some Swedish pricks track down Jack because they missed their chance to get killed back home.

Our boy Jack eventually realizes two things: that sweet, nude Clara has thawed his icy heart, and that his boss Pavel wants him dead. Uh oh. What's a love-struck assassin to do?

I guess that's the plot for "The American". It's very European, if that means anything. A lot of people turn their noses up when they hear that word in regards to cinema. Fucking pretentious Europeans. Well I say Fuck You. There's nothing wrong with a slow burn movie. Doesn't anybody remember "The Conversation"? That movie's a masterpiece, and it's a real slow burn. There's nothing wrong with a movie taking its own time to get to its destination.

I loved "The American". My mother, who saw it with me, did not. She saw the ads on TV and thought that the movie would be some kind of action-packed extravaganza. When she was confronted with a quieter film that focused more on character and mood, she turned on it. "That kinda sucked", she told me as we left the auditorium. I have a feeling most of the people leaving the auditorium were saying similar things to each other.

A middle-aged couple sitting in front of us were a source of annoyance. The husband was clearly confused by everything he was seeing. The wife essentially narrated the entire film to him in a throaty whisper. Every time she explained to him what had just happened, she would stare at her husband and nod her head in a satisfied manner. Of course, near the climax of the film, she loudly sighed and declared "this fucking movie is boring", before she turned her attention back to her neglected tub of popcorn.

Clooney is a tightly wound machine in this film. Until Clara comes along and waves her amazing breasts in his face, his countenance is dominated by his icy, calculating gaze. He doesn't really do anything for fun, aside from fucking prostitutes, so he spends most of his free time working out and pretending to read books about butterflies. He doesn't have a life, as such. He's just existing.

When he finds something to live for, he relaxes a bit. It's a little like he's a very reserved child who's found a new toy he likes to play with. He still keeps up his stoic facade, but the cracks are showing. Like I said earlier, this is a noteworthy performance because Clooney doesn't rely on his usual tricks to charm the audience. He never cracks that signature sly smile that we all know and love. He's an incomplete person in this movie, and only in the last act does he start to coalesce as an individual.

Violante Placido plays the beautiful woman of loose virtue, Clara. She's so... so... nude. Oh, and she has an amazing body. She's also a decent actress, and she has a cute accent. You can see why this is the girl that gets to Jack. It's also refreshing that when Jack and Clara actually start seeing each other outside of the brothel, her profession is never a problem for him. He's a hired killer, he could give less than a shit about Clara's chosen vocation.

The only real issue I have with "The American" lies in the ending. I'm not going to tell you how it ends. That seems to be the theme of the day, even though I am typing this in the dead of night. Sometimes I just don't feel like spoiling shit. Anyway, my problem doesn't lie with the ending, itself. It's with the way the ending is presented, notably in the final shot. This shot showcases a lone, computer-generated butterfly taking wing, gently fluttering into the sky over a tragic scene. It's too on-the-nose. A small disappointment, though.

I was pleased to see "The American" open at #1 during its first weekend of release. I suppose those trailers fooled a lot of people like my mother.

The Last Temptation Of Opie

It was recently announced that Ron Howard and Akiva Goldsmith are developing a movie franchise/TV series hybrid of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series for Universal Pictures and NBC. My cousin Ky and myself both love the story of gunslinger Roland and his quest to destroy the Crimson King.

And I speak for both of when I say this is the worst idea I have heard since New Coke.

I'll ramble about "Machete" soon. And probably the latest "Resident Evil" flick, too. We'll see.

Sea, Sex & Blood!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.