Gentlemen Bullshit

I like "Napoleon Dynamite".

I don't think it's a great movie, by any means, and thinking of the hipster movement that it spawned, personified in an army of morons wearing "Vote For Pedro" t-shirts wandering aimlessly throughout the cities of America, gives me a migraine.

But I thought it was funny. Sure, when I saw it in theaters, I saw it for free, so maybe that colors my perception of the film.

I also saw "Alien Vs. Predator" for free, and I fucking hated that movie.

Ultimately, I see "Napoleon Dynamite" as a rather odd, harmless comedy.

I like "Nacho Libre", too.

"Esqueleto" always makes me laugh. The scene where he shanks a thug in the eye with a corn cob still cracks me up. And Peter Stormare in a random cameo is always good for a few giggles, in my book.

I firmly believe that his best work is his stellar portrayal of the Cinco Boy Pitchman in "Tim & Eric: Awesome Show Great Job!". Brilliance, right there.

In the end, "Nacho Libre", was much like "Napoleon Dynamite" in my eyes: odd and harmless comedy.

I don't know if I would have considered myself "a fan" of Jared Hess, but I was certainly willing to see his next movie, whatever it turned out to be.

Then I saw the trailer for "Gentlemen Broncos".

I admit, it intrigued me. It seemed like the "odd" quality of Hess's previous work was turned up to 11, and Jemaine Clement and Sam Rockwell were in it! Obviously, I wanted to see the film.

But it never opened in my neck of the woods, this armpit of the Midwest.

So I bided my time until the inevitable DVD release.

March 2nd, that day finally came, and my opportunity to see "Gentlemen Broncos" had come at last.

Now I wish Lacuna, Inc. were a real corporation, because I desperately want to erase my memory of viewing this miserable motion picture.

For those who aren't in the know, "Gentlemen Broncos" tells the story of Benjamin Purvis, a young home-schooled man who lives with his mother in a fucking dome and writes stories about incredibly dumb shit.

He goes to some disturbing young writer's camp called "Cletus Fest", and meets his own personal saviour, Sci-fi/Fantasy writer extraordinaire Ronald Chevalier, a man who became a literary superstar at the age of 15 with a trilogy of novels about robot harpies that shoot laser beams from their breasts.

Chevalier announces that he will, among others, be judging the stories submitted by the kids at the festival. The young writer who turns in the best book at "Cletus Fest" will have their work published in limited numbers, available in bookstores nationwide. Benjamin decides to turn in his latest story, a science fiction epic called "Yeast Lords: The Bronco Years".

"Yeast Lords" tells the tale of Bronco, the last of the fabled Yeast Lords, a badass soldier of fortune modeled after Benjamin's own father, a hairy game warden who died a long time ago. Bronco is hunting Lord Daysius, the evil bastard who stole Bronco's left gonad in an effort to populate his army with thousands of unstoppable clones to conquer the galaxy.

The story is filled with yeast, projectile vomiting, battle-stags, cyclops henchmen, sexy bald yeast factory slaves, flesh pockets and testicles suspended in glass jars.

Young mister Purvis is clearly his generation's Harlan Ellison.

Chevalier is having problems with his publisher, and needs to submit a manuscript ASAP, otherwise he's screwed.

When he reads "Yeast Lords", he is blinded by the brilliant prose, and quickly rewrites the story, changing a few character names and such, turning manly Bronco into prissy Brutus . He submits Purvis's book, re-titled "Brutus & Balzac" to his publisher, and they love it, pushing for immediate publication.

Meanwhile, a truly bizarre human being named Lonnie Donaho, a local amatuer filmmaker, wants to make a movie out of "Yeast Lords", and pays Benjamin 500 dollars for the screen rights.

Lonnie is played by Hector Jimenez, who also played Esqueleto in "Nacho Libre". I'm not sure what kind of direction Jimenez was given by Jared Hess regarding his character in this film. The Lonnie character is nothing more than a a shitty haircut, a turtleneck, and a skeleton grin.

Midway through the movie, I stopped seeing a person whenever Lonnie appeared onscreen. I was seeing one of Stephen King's "Langoliers", or one of the Madballs, perhaps. Or maybe that weird nightmare mouth that pops up in Joe R. Lansdale's "The Drive-In".

How the fuck can Hector Jimenez grin so widely? It's obscene!

When Lonnie starts making the "Yeast Lords" movie, he casts himself as Bronco's love-interest, wearing a bald cap and a tight white jumpsuit with fake breasts. Why? I have no fucking idea.

Lonnie is practically joined at the hip with Tabatha, a freaky redhead who writes mystery novels about a French stableboy. We're first introduced to these two on the bus ride to "Cletus Fest", sitting next to Benjamin after they spend all of his money on snacks for themselves.

Lonnie hands Tabatha a bottle of lotion, and she smears it all over her hands. Tabatha then asks Benjamin, who she just met, to give her a hand massage. He sheepishly agrees, rubbing the lotion into her left hand while looking supremely uncomfortable.

Lonnie exacerbates the situation by leaning into Tabatha's ear, seductively moaning for absolutely no fucking reason.

This scene felt like it went on for twenty minutes. It wouldn't fucking end. It's like the retarded random humor of "Family Guy". There's no purpose for it, and it's not funny. I felt like I was going insane. Like there was something wrong with my DVD player. It had to be broken.

The scene just wouldn't stop.

Benjamin's mother signs her son up for the Guardian Angels program, pairing him with some inbred creature named Dusty, played by Mike White. You remember Mike White? He wrote and co-starred in "Chuck & Buck" and "The School of Rock".

He also got murdered in a bathroom in "Zombieland". That's his best moment, as far as I'm concerned. When he dies, that short clip needs to play during the "In Memorium" segment of the Academy Awards. That's all he really needs to be remembered for.

He's got a lot in common with Eli Roth, really. The best thing these guys ever did was get murdered on the toilet in terrible movies.

Wait, Roth played the Bear Jew in "Inglourious Basterds". Eli Roth 1, Mike White 0.

Dusty shows up, trying to catch flies in his gaping mouth, a python draped across his shoulder. The snake shits all over Dusty. All over him. Why? Is this supposed to be funny? It's not. It's fucking insulting.

Cut to: Benjamin outside, watching Dusty fire darts from his blowgun at a wall. He dips one of the darts into a prescription bottle filled with his own shit, loads the blowgun, and hands it to Benjamin, urging him to fire at a stray cat wandering through the yard.

Ben misses, hitting his mom in her left tit, and she screams like Faye Wray after seeing King Kong's monster schlong for the first time. She's fine, though, because the dart just got lodged in her bra insert.

I ask again: Why? A teenaged boy trying to shoot a stray cat with a shit-tipped blowgun dart is supposed to be funny? There is absolutely nothing funny about this scene. It's borderline disturbing.

Lonnie casts Dusty as "Bronco" in his "Yeast Lords" adaptation, and he obviously wants to fuck Dusty. Whenever these two are onscreen, Lonnie just stares longingly at Dusty's long, frizzy hair, his rictus-grin gleaming in the dull afternoon sun.

Once again, I get the feeling that this odd little pairing is supposed to be funny, at least to the director. But it fails conclusively. It's astonishing how much of the film's "humor" simply doesn't work.

After Lonnie's epic "Yeast Lords" movie is completed, a premiere screening is held at a local cinema. Banjamin walks out and vomits in a trash can. Tabatha follows him out and inexplicably kisses him.

Never mind the fact that she showed no romantic interest in him prior to this moment. His fucking face is covered in vomit, and she clearly sees this, and kisses him, anyway.

Remember the scene in "Observe and Report", where Seth Rogen kisses Anna Faris after she vomits? It made some kind of sense in that movie, because Rogen's character had been obsessed with her for a long time before that night, and he was also mentally unbalanced.

Plus, it was funny. Kinda gross, but funny!

In "Gentlemen Broncos", it's not fucking funny! It makes no sense, and it's fucking disgusting! Sweet Jesus Christ, it defies comprehension!

Fuck. Anyway, Ben and Tabatha decide to blow the premiere, heading to a local bookstore for some reason. Ben sees a copy of Ronald Chevalier's latest book, "Brutus & Balzac" on display, and leafing through it, quickly realizes that the man he idolized clearly plagarized his work.

Luckily, Mr. Chevalier is holding a book signing in town the next day, so Benjamin won't have to wait long for his big confrontation.

But first, it's time for a pointless interlude!

Benjamin's mother is clearly retarded. She also fancies herself a fashion designer, and takes her son with her to see some douchebag named Don Carlos, a very rich and influential man who could get her designs in JC Penny stores nationwide. Yeah...

She steps inside his house, finding him hunched over his piano, wearing a bathrobe. He smiles seductively, telling her to go to his bedroom and get undressed. She runs out of the house, screaming and crying, and Benjamin nuts up and decides he's going to defend his mother's honor.

He throws a statue through one of the windows in Don Carlos's home, telling him to come outside and fight like a man.

Don Carlos does what any rational man would do, and pulls out his gun, shooting randomly out the broken window, trying to kill Benjamin and his mother. He really does this.

Benjamin tells his mother to pop the car's trunk, then run away as fast as she can. She immediately does so, running down the driveway, waving her arms in the air and screaming bloody murder.

Benjamin retrieves Dusty's blowgun from the trunk, dipping two darts in some conveniently close dog shit. He distracts Don Carlos with a mannequin from the car, and when Carlos empties his gun into the dummy, Ben nails the lunatic with the two darts, imbedding them in his manly chest.

Leaving Don Carlos in screaming agony in his spacious home, Benjamin jacks his mother's car, headed to his date with destiny at the book store.

Benjamin arrives, privately confronting Chevalier with a copy of his "Yeast Lords" manuscript. Chevalier address the crowd, telling them that young Mr Purvis has created a delightful "Brutus & Balzac"-inspired homage with "Yeast Lords", and that he is being rewarded for his hard work with: an all-expenses paid trip to any of the lower 48 states, a "Brutus" head-shaped pillow, Chevalier's very own jacket, and a trip to Space Camp.

Benjamin assaults Chevalier with the pillow, telling the assembled masses that the man is a fraud. Chevalier summons security, and they arrest Benjamin. As the young man is being led away, he pleads with the security guards to show leniency.

"Always Leniency."

This scene is actually funny. It surprised the living shit out of me.

In jail, Benjamin's mom laments that her son will have to spend his birthday in a prison cell. She tries to shove a popcorn car between the bars, and it isn't funny.

She then reveals that she has been registering all of his stories with some kid writer's guild since he was a small child.

Hooray! Now Benjamin has proof that Chevalier stole his story!

Chevalier is ruined. His "Brutus & Balzac" is pulled from shelves, and Benjamin Purvis's "Yeast Lords" replaces it. He is a success, and the film ends with a fashion show, showcasing his brain-dead mother's hideous designs.

Let me mention the things that I liked about this movie.

Sam Rockwell and Jemaine Clement.

Rockwell is clearly having fun with his dual role as the imaginary protagonist of "Yeast Lords" and "Brutus & Balzac".

His Bronco is all hair and swagger, vaguely reminiscent of his portrayal of Zaphod Beeblebrox in the big-screen "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" adaptation. His Brutus is essentially Edgar Winter with the voice and mannerisms of Paul Lynde.

Jemaine Clement plays Ronald Chevalier with a pompous accent and matching attitude, and he manages to sell most of the atrocious dialogue that Jared and Jerusha Hess saddle him with.

A "Cletus Fest" lecture dealing with fantasy genre character names is a highlight:

When a young lady tells Chevalier that she named a troll character in her story "Teacup", he berates her, going on about different sub-species of troll, picturing himself as a proud troll mother, breastfeeding her litter of troll children, like he's some kind of expert on this fictional creature.

He finally tells the girl that "Teacup" is the kind of name a little girl would give a troll, and that she should change the troll's name to "Tragina", because it's more authentic.

I laughed.

Also, the cyclops effects were quite good.

Everything else in this movie is balls. As the credits rolled, I could not believe that this movie was actually made. How could anyone read the script that Jared and Jerusha Hess wrote and decide to give them money? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!

The whole thing feels like a joke. This movie is not supposed to exist. It shouldn't exist.

None of the characters are relatable, or even remotely approaching anything close to "human".

Lonnie, Tabatha, Dusty, Don Fucking Carlos, and Benjamin's Mother are nothing more than collections of bizarre and grotesque mannerisms stuffed into a wardrobe pulled from a clearance shelf at a Goodwill store in a bad neighborhood.

There's nothing to like about these "people". They all seemed to exist to either test my patience or just piss me off.

And Benjamin himself is supposed to be the low-key grounding element of the movie, but actor Michael Angarano, who also sucked in "The Forbidden Kingdom", brings absolutely nothing to the role. The role of Benjamin might as well have been played by a photograph of Michael Cera on a stick, with the genius director reading his lines off-camera.

Not to mention the fact that I'm supposed to sympathize with a character who wrote something as inspid as "Yeast Lords: The Bronco Years".

Rockwell and Clement at least bring something to the film beyond what the brain-damaged screenplay presents them with. It's called HUMOR!

"Gentlemen Broncos" is the kind of story Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" would write on a roll of toilet paper with a magic marker whilst high on model airplane glue, then burn in a trash can behind Paddy's Pub because he sobered up and thought it was dangerous.

Fuck this movie. And fuck Jared Hess and his wife Jerusha for birthing this nightmare from their Mormon loins.

In other news, I got an email!

In a previous post, entitled "The Post That Never Ends", I lamented the fact that a motion picture based on the life of famous Old West lawman Bass Reeves was in production, helmed by "War Dawgz" creator Brett Mauser.

Yesterday, Mr. Mauser sent me an email, with a link to the trailer for his "Bass Reeves" film.

In short, it looks okay. It also looks cheap, but I doubt the filmmakers had a huge budget to play with. The story seems to be quite faithful to the true-life story, and the actors in the trailer don't embarass themselves.

Maybe I'm a Western whore, but I now want to see this movie. In the end, it might be awful, but I am keeping an open mind.

That's more than I can say about any future Jared Hess movies.

So thanks for the email, Mr. Mauser!

"You took my gonads, Dennis!"