The 82nd Academy Awards were on earlier.I watched them. They were boring.
Jeff Bridges won Best Actor. That was nice.
"Avatar" didn't win Best Picture. That was also nice.
The Academy decided to put together a tribute to horror movies.
Sounds good in theory, right?
Not when the clip presentation is introduced by Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner, of "The Twilight Saga" fame. What a fucking travesty.
They even added a clip from one of the fucking "Twilight" films to the fucking tribute.
Oh well. I suppose there is nothing more terrifying than sparkling vampires.
I also saw the trailer for "Tron: Legacy" in 3D Saturday night.
I am such a whore for "Tron". I saw that movie when I was a young and impressionable child, and it became a rather large part of my youth. My mother must have rented the videotape from Video Unlimited 50 times over the course of 4 years, or so.
Damn, I used to love Video Unlimited. It was this really spacious video store that we used to visit nearly every weekend from 1984 until 1995. The folks who worked there were always very pleasant and knowledgable, and they were always around to answer your questions.
As a boy, I remember entering the store every week, marveling at all the interesting and obscure movie posters that were haphazardly pasted all over the walls. Cool artwork, catchy taglines... good stuff.
That's how I was introduced to stuff like "Eraserhead", Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" and "Basket Case", "Blue Sunshine", "Escape From New York", "Def-Con 4" and "Fright Night". Really cool posters that made my imagination work overtime. What were these movies about? What kind of cool stuff was happening in these flicks? I had to know.
Luckily for me, my mother had no qualms with renting R-rated movies, as long as she watched them with me. So I got to see the films behind these amazing posters (except for "Frankenhooker". Even my laid-back mother wouldn't rent a film called "Frankenhooker" for her young son. I had to wait until 2008 to see that one), and they warped my fragile little mind.
"Basket Case" and "Blue Sunshine" were bizarre and bloody and right up my alley. But "Escape From New York" and "Fright Night" became essential parts of my childhood.
The sheer amount of badassery on display in the person of Snake Plissken made me want to be a criminal. I later changed my mind, thankfully. And EFNY, as I used to call it in elementary school, introduced me to the... talents... of Adrienne Barbeau.
And when I watched "Swamp Thing" uncut six months later, I became a man at age 8.
"Fright Night" seemed like a movie that was made just for me. The story was so cool, and in my head, quite plausible. I mean, I thought vampires were real. And if one lived next door to me, I wouldn't have been surprised.
At least after watching "Fright Night", I felt confident enough that when I inevitably came across a surly undead bloodsucker, I would have the tools and the knowledge to dispatch the unholy bastard in stylish fashion. Thank you, Peter Vincent.
And Amanda Bearse made me think bad thoughts. When I realized that Amy Peterson was played by Marcy Rhodes (later Marcy D'Arcy) on my favorite television program, "Married With Children", it blew my fucking mind. Where did her breasts go?! Did Al Bundy calling her a chicken for so many years make her become a chicken?
Interesting times, those were.
Now "Eraserhead" just confused me and gave me nightmares when I was small, but as I grew up I realized that it was an amazing motion picture, and a work of art. At the time, I knew it from the guy who directed "Dune", which my 6 year-old self loved to death, so I was really psyched to see what else this David Lynch fella had up his sleeve.
Note to any potential parents out there: most of David Lynch's oeuvre should not be viewed by small children. It will either piss them off, confuse them, or fuck them up.
Wait until puberty, then make them watch "Wild At Heart". Twice. They'll thank you for it later.
And "Def-Con 4"? That poster was just a lie. The movie does not even remotely live up to the sheer awesomeness of that poster. 88 minutes of boredom. Live and learn, my friends.
Odd tangent, there. I mean, I was trying to talk about "Tron", and I got side-tracked by nostalgia.
Wait...
I understand that most people don't think that "Tron" is a particularly great movie. It has earned a place in cinematic history for its groundbreaking use of early digital effects, and beyond that, there's not much love for "Tron".
I will quickly admit that much of my love for the original is pure nostalgia. I can't watch "Tron" without becoming that little kid again, huddling in front of the 19-inch TV in the living room, in utter awe of what I'm seeing. Obviously, I'm biased.
Even 25 years after seeing it for the first time, I still love it. The story and characters are a part of my life. I cried the first time I saw Clu die. It just broke my little heart. And when Tron defeated the Master Control Program, I cheered.
When the 20th Anniversary DVD was released in 2002, I snatched it up like a junkie in need of a fix. On the fantastic documentary, when Jeff Bridges pulled out his helmet from the film, having kept it for all these years, I squealed like a pre-teen girl at a Jonas Brothers concert.
I'm not ashamed to admit that, even though I probably should be.
When I heard that Disney was developing a sequel to "Tron", after all these years, I had no idea what to think. A sequel? Really? I was just incredibly surprised that the suits went with a sequel, and not a re-make.
I've always wanted to see a "Tron" sequel, but I always thought that I was in a very small minority of fandom in that regard. Who else was clamoring for a sequel to "Tron"?
Still, I was excited. That I saw the bootleg development teaser on the internet. Despite the atrocious quality of the video, it still hooked me. Jeff Bridges was back! And so was Clu! At least a Clu was back. And Flynn seemed to have some kind of Col. Kurtz thing going on in the computer world.
Several months later, I saw the official teaser online. Very similar to the bootlegged teaser, but all spiffy and cleaned-up. It still looked good to me. No real clues to the actual story of the sequel, but at least I knew it was opening in December, 2010. And it was going to be in 3D, which seemed like a natural fit for the material.
A kind of "chocolate 'n' peanut butter" thing, really.
When I saw the latest trailer for "Tron: Legacy" on the big screen Saturday night, I felt like that chubby little kid again, hanging out with friends in my backyard, throwing frisbees at the old cottonwood tree, pretending to slay the MCP.
Basically, I've already given "Tron: Legacy" 11 out of 10 stars. As I have previously mentioned, I can't even attempt to be objective regarding this movie. Even if it ends up being one of the worst movies I will ever see, I will still force myself to love it.
Because it's fucking "Tron". I am truly lost.
And at least it puts Bruce Boxleitner in a theatrical motion picture, again.
Oh yeah, I also saw Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland".
I will now attempt to re-cap the plot for this... movie... in one extremely long run-on sentence:
Alice is a little kid who has nightmares about white rabbits and shit, and her Daddy loves her but he goes on some pointless expedition and dies, then Alice grows up and is being forced into marrying some boring douchebag with bad guts, she gets distracted by a rabbit, falls down a hole, meets the Mad Hatter, March Hare, a talking dog, a bitchy mouse, a caterpillar that likes to get high, and Nightcrawler-Cat, they all insist that she's been to "Underland" before, comes across some angry lady with a huge head, she thinks it's all a dream, then realizes it's not a dream, fights the Jabberwocky, drinks its blood (like a filthy vampire), goes back home and decides not to marry the ulcerated blueblood, gets on a boat and hopefully dies at sea.
*gasp*
In short, it's awful.
Johnny Depp decided to play the Mad Hatter with the voice of Miranda Richardson's Queen Elizabeth from "Black Adder II", except for occassional head-shaking lapses into a gruff Scottish accent when he slips into "Death Wish 3" mode.
The film also tries to explain why the Mad Hatter is mad. Apparently when the Red Queen sicced the Jabberwocky on his village, Hatter lost his mind when he saw everybody get murdered.
He just... went MAD. Seriously. An explanation for the Mad Hatter's fucking madness?!
That's just fucking dumb.
Depp, an actor I used to say I could watch in just about anything, frankly embarasses himself, here. The shitty make-up, his cringe-worthy dialogue, and his inexplicable characterization were disturbingly bad.
I think maybe the next time Tim Burton gives him a call, Depp should just let it go to voicemail.
Helena Bonham Carter-Burton(?) plays the Red Queen, who should really be called the Queen of Hearts, with a massive head, and an annoying shouty lisp. That's all there is to her character.
She rests her feet on pigs and makes little monkeys dressed up like bellhops carry around her cushions and suitcases. She screams "Off with their heads!" and wants to bone Crispin Glover.
Carter's performance is not as embarassing as Depp's, but it's close.
Speaking of Crispin Glover, a quick question:
Why, in the name of all that's holy, is he an all-digital creation from the neck down?!
There is absolutely no reason for this, whatsoever. His Knave of Hearts is actually my favorite character in the movie. He plays the Knave as odd and creepy, which is how Glover plays every role he has ever played since "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter".
"Where's the corkscrew?" That line makes me laugh every time, without fail.
I guess Glover's schtick just works for me. He made the "Charlie's Angels" movies tolerable. Plus, his "Willard" remake is classic.
He is responsible for my two my favorite moments in this terrible movie.
#1: Confronting Alice in the Red Queen's castle, he pins her against a wall, creepy grin spreading across his face. In an excited, throaty whisper, he says "I like large-ness." He's basically initiating a rape encounter, here.
It's weird, and uncomfortable. And I laughed.
#2: After the Jabberwocky is slain, the White Queen sentences her wicked sister the Red Queen and her accomplice the Knave to exile. A guard shackles the Knave to the Red Queen, like Larry Fishburne and Stephen Baldwin in "Fled".
The Knave, who can't stand the Red Queen, despite her affection for him, pulls out a knife and tries to kill her. He is thwarted. As guards drag the two lovebirds away, he pleads for the White Queen to execute him, screaming "Kill me! Kill Meeeee!!!"
I laughed more than I should have. It's just very funny to me. And it's all thanks to Crispin Glover's performance. I love the guy.
But why is he essentially a digital creation? The visual effects artists do nothing interesting with this concept, simply making his arms and legs a tad longer than normal. It's completely fucking pointless. And it's distracting.
I want to meet the person who decided this was a good idea and punch him in the face.
Mia Wasikowska was very good playing damaged teenaged gymnast Sophie on HBO's "In Treatment". Really very good. That show was very hit-and-miss, but every Sophie episode was aces. She brought a genuine vulnerability to her character.
When I heard she had been cast as the titular "Alice" in Tim Burton's film, I was all for it.
Unfortunately, Mia Wasikowska didn't show up in this film. Instead, we're stuck with a pretty young woman who can't seem to do anything but look bored throughout the film.
Alice runs into a white rabbit in a waistcoat? Meh.
She has a conversation with a talking caterpillar? Meh.
Alice slays the terrifying Jabberwocky? Meh.
She couldn't even force an ounce of genuine emotion out of her role. She doesn't sell anything. But I think that has a lot to do with the material. There's nothing on the page for her to work with.
Alice thinks her entire Wonderland-- excuse me, Underland adventure is just a fucking dream, so Wasikowska never bothers to invest herself in the goings-on. And why would she? It's all bullshit, anyway.
Anne Hathaway's White Queen is nothing more than a series of foppish poses and a pompous accent. She spends her entire role talking about finding "a champion", sounding like Julie Andrews, and posing like a mannequin in a Von Maur store display.
I know she's a good actress. I've seen "Brokeback Mountain". But I don't know what she was doing in this movie. It certainly wasn't called acting.
The voice actors all do decent work. Although Alan Rickman sounds pretty damned bored playing the hookah-smoking caterpillar. Michael Sheen and Timothy Spall don't get much to do as the White Rabbit and Bayard, the Bloohdound, respectively. They're really just plot devices, and not real characters.
The only reason why the White Rabbit is in this film is because he has to be in this film. Who's gonna make an "Alice in Wonderland" movie without the White Rabbit? He's not really necessary, but Michael Sheen does a fine job with nothing.
Stephen Fry's Cheshire Cat is the best of the digital animals. His voice has a natural playful quality that really lends itself to a mischievious character like the Cheshire Cat. Really good casting, there.
Although, in a scene late in the film, the Red Queen presides over the execution of the Mad Hatter, and as the axe man swings his blade, the Mad Hatter disappears, his hat floating in the air. The Cheshire Cat materializes, holding the hat, and the Mad Hatter appears behind the Red Queen, saying something stupid.
Since when can the Mad Hatter mimic the appearances of others? I don't recall this from any adaptation of "Alice in Wonderland". It's just fucking lazy. He's not like a man-sized cat. He's about the size of Garfield. So how the hell does he do this?! He's got Nightcrawler's powers and Mystique's powers, as well?
Eh... Stupid.
And Count Dooku plays the Jabberwocky. He's voiced by Christopher Lee, and he shoots Force Lightning from his fucking mouth. And he only has one line. The Jabberwocky sees Alice holding the Vorpal Sword, and he says something like "at last we meet again, my old enemy". That's it. The easiest job Christopher Lee has ever taken.
Well, maybe the second easiest. He just kinda walked through "The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf". Man, what a movie that was. It has the best end credits ever made. Just lame music playing over a montage of Sybil Danning tearing her clothes off, over, and over, and over...
So "Alice In Wonderland", directed by Tim Burton's Hot Topic Ghost, is terrible.
It's been needlessly reworked into a piss-poor sequel, with the plot of "The Chronicles Of Narnia" massaged into it, just for fun. When I left the theatre, I was depressed.
As bad as movie like "The Tooth Fairy" and "The Crazies" were, there was at least something for me to enjoy in them. This is just a waste of time.
Easily the worst movie I've seen thus far this year.
Now bring on "Green Zone"!
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