The Words Come Alive!

Damn, I should have used that title for the "Saw 3D" post. Oh well.

Good news, everyone! A brand new "Podcast Of Lies" has arrived for your auditory pleasure! I recently sat down with my hip cousin Ky, and we rambled about Werner Herzog and various Charlie Sheen news items. And when I say "rambled", I mean we fucking rambled. This 22 minute podcast is trimmed down from nearly 2 hours. The cream rises to the top, as they say. I don't know how creamy this little audio file is, but I know one thing: this podcast will change your life. There. I said it. Listen to it below, or visit our podcast page here and tell us how our words make you feel. We're open-minded.



P.S. - I have nothing else to add.

November Makes Me Mad!

Hey kids! Did you like "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles", but thought it was too schmaltzy? Maybe Steve Martin wasn't as douchey as he could have been? Maybe John Candy wasn't stupid enough? And fuck Thanksgiving! Our protagonist has to get home in time to witness the birth of his first born child! And who doesn't love "Two And A Half Men"?

Then you're in luck, my friend! Because "Due Date" is the movie for you!

The basic plot boils down to this: Robert Downey Jr. plays an asshole named Peter Highman who finds himself stranded in Atlanta. He's mistaken for a fucking terrorist by some nerve-wracked Air Marshall, and shot with a rubber bullet, due in no small part to the aforementioned idiot pothead. Removed from the plane and placed on the infamous no-fly list, Downey needs to get back home to Los Angeles to be with his very pregnant wife before her scheduled Cesarian section in a scant few days.

In dire straits, Highman comes across the idiot pothead named Ethan Tremblay, played by Zach Galifianakis, who has decided to drive to LA in a rental car with his late father's remains stashed in a coffee can, to achieve his dream of movie stardom. Highman, without his wallet, reluctantly agrees to Ethan's offer to drive to La La Land together. Hilarity, it ensues.

If anybody is going to see this movie expecting a "laugh riot" comedy on the level of director Todd Phillips' previous movie "The Hangover", you are going to be disappointed. And if you're expecting Zach Galifianakis to portray a loveable weirdo in "Due Date", like his Alan Garner in "The Hangover", you'll be severely disappointed.

His character in "Due Date", Ethan Tremblay, is one of of the most recklessly stupid characters I have ever seen in a motion picture. Aggressively stupid. Amazingly stupid. Annoyingly stupid. And many other adjectives that begin with the letter A. I found Zach Galifianakis to be unbearable in this movie. And I'm a fucking Galifianakis fan.

I love his stand-up. I love his "Tim & Eric" character, Tairy Greene. I loved him in "The Hangover". But throughout "Due Date", I just wanted Robert Downey Jr. to shoot him in the back of the head, like Lennie in "Of Mice And Men". He needs to die before his disturbing stupidity gets somebody killed. By the film's third act, I was praying for Peter to tell Ethan about the rabbits again.

Now I will make my case for the mercy killing of Ethan Tremblay...

Exhibit A: Since Ethan's bag was confiscated at the airport, he has no marijuana. And Ethan needs his marijuana. So near the beginning of their shared road trip, Ethan stops by a local dealer's house to score some weed. This allows Todd Phillips to cast Juliette Lewis in a cameo role as the laid-back dealer, which is fine. I like Juliette Lewis, and she does a decent job in the role.

While Ethan and his new druggist friend are playing "Inside The Actor's Studio" in the kitchen, Peter is tasked with watching the dealer's kids. One of the kids is a little prick, and Peter slugs him in the gut, threatening him with further bodily harm if he dares to tell his mother of the assault. This is hilarious. But this is not the point of my story.

Here's the point: After the deal is done, Ethan and Peter hit the road again, stopping at a hotel for the night. Peter doesn't have any money, seeing as how his wallet is missing and all. Ethan's credit card is rejected, and he reveals to Peter that he doesn't have enough money to pay for a hotel room. You see, he spent over $200 on the marijuana he bought from Juliette Lewis, and only has $60 left. Because he's fucking stupid.

Peter suggests his wife wire them $500 bucks, but because he has no wallet (no I.D.), she'll have to wire the money to Ethan. Sounds good, except when they get to the local Western Union, wheelchair-bound Danny McBride informs them that he can't complete the transfer because the funds were sent for "Ethan Tremblay", and that is just the fucking stage name for Ethan Chase. You know, the name on the man's driver's license.

Long story short, Peter loses his cool and insults Danny McBride, McBride whips out a baton and beats the dogshit out of Peter, and they wind up sleeping at a rest stop. That morning, Peter ditches Ethan at the rest stop while he bathes in a sink, but has a change of heart and returns with coffee and donuts before Ethan can catch on. That alone strains credibility.

Exhibit B: He loves "Two And A Half Men". So much so, that he runs a "TAAHM" fansite. This alone proves my point.

Exhibit C: Ethan takes over driving duties while Peter catches some much-needed sleep. The poor man must be simply exhausted dealing with Ethan's shit. Of course, Ethan being a bloated sack of fuck-up, he can't be trusted to do anything right. He falls asleep whilst driving on the highway, veering into oncoming traffic. Peter wakes up and desperately tries to wake Ethan up, but Ethan sleeps like the dead. The rental car careens off a bridge, and a horrifying crash ensues.

Peter is all busted up, with a few cracked ribs and a shattered arm. Ethan, being asleep at the time, flopped around the car interior like buttered noodles, and is unharmed. Dangerously stupid.

Leaving the hospital, Peter calls his old pal Darryl (Jamie Foxx), and he comes to the rescue. At Darryl's home, he makes some coffee for Peter and his squishy golem Ethan. They all taste the coffee, and it's revealed that Darryl made the coffee from the contents of Ethan's coffee can. Much panic, spitting, and gagging ensues.

Ethan retrieves his father's ashes from the coffee maker, but because he's stupid, he spills the ashes all over Darryl's immaculate kitchen floor. Here, we are given a weirdly poignant moment, with Ethan on his knees, frantically trying to collect the ashes, before finally breaking down. Peter, being a real human being and not a disturbing caricature of mental impairment, comforts the man-child. This changes nothing.

Exhibit D: After Ethan springs Peter from the Mexican Border Patrol (don't ask), they stop by the Grand Canyon to spread the remains of Ethan's father. Now is the perfect time for a heartfelt confession, so Ethan reveals that he's had Peter's wallet the entire time. He kept it a secret, because he didn't want to go to Hollywood alone. Awwwwwwww!!!

Being a reasonable human being pushed to brink of madness by this nightmare made flesh, Peter snaps, trying to kill Ethan. I was hoping this movie would take a seriously dark turn, and Peter would succeed, tossing Ethan's lifeless corpse off the cliff to join his father, returning to Los Angeles and his pregnant wife with a clear conscience.

Alas, this did not occur, because Pete's wifey gives him a call, informing him that her water just broke. The fat man gets a reprieve, as they jump into their Mexican Border Patrol truck, en route to L.A.

Exhibit E: Ethan finds a handgun in the Patrol truck's glove compartment. Being dumber than "Models Inc.", he accidentally fires the gun in the truck, shooting Peter in the leg. This man is too stupid to live.

In the end, Peter gets to the hospital before he bleeds to death, and witnesses the birth of his baby daughter, Rosie Highman (do you get it? Of course you do, you have a brain), and Ethan excuses himself to meet with a talent director. The film ends with Peter and his wife in bed, watching Ethan's small-screen debut as a guest star on "Two And A Half Men".

That's "Due Date". It's not a very good movie. And it's mostly due to Zach Galifianakis. Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but by the time the credits rolled, I couldn't bring myself to like Ethan Tremblay. I hated him. The atrocious dialogue he delivers doesn't sell the idea that Ethan is a naive dullard; he comes off as a mentally disabled sociopath.

Actually, that description does a disservice to the mentally handicapped. I've spent some time with the developmentally disabled, and I know that they make better choices than Ethan Tremblay. This is fucking Hollywood stupid. Any of the charm or likeability that Galifianakis displayed in "The Hangover" is nowhere to be seen. Ethan Tremblay is a reckless fool. I despised this character.

Robert Downey Jr is supposed to be a guy with some anger issues, but spending time with a subhuman like Ethan, his rage seems perfectly justified. This bearded homunculus is slowly driving Peter insane, and at the end of the movie, I'm supposed to believe that these two actually keep in touch?! They become friends? I just couldn't buy it.

There was no chemistry between these two people. I couldn't believe that these guys could ever become friends. Would Peter be foolish enough to let Ethan get anywhere near his infant daughter? As soon as she starts crying, he'll snap her damned neck because he doesn't know his own strength! The bottom line is that the central relationship in this film fails to connect. Therefore, the film fails.

There are some laughs in the film. But in the end, it wasn't worth my time. I'd like to say it's an ultimately forgettable, yet somewhat entertaining comedy, but the very presence of Ethan Tremblay means that I will sadly never forget this movie.

In Other News... "The Apple" Is Rotten

Have you ever seen 1980's "The Apple"? It's a sci-fi musical written and directed by Manahem Golan, the mad Israeli producer responsible for such classic films as "Delta Force", "Masters Of The Universe" and "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace".

The movie takes place in the far-flung future of 1995 (oooh, aaah!), and the United States is under the control of a sinister record producer named Mr. Boogalow. Yeah, a record producer is the tyrannical ruler of the U.S.A. Every citizen is required to wear a "Boogalow International Music" sticker at all times, and every day at 4 pm, productivity comes to a standstill as the population takes part in a mandatory "exercise hour". The entire world revolves around Boogalow's music.

Enter folk duo Alphie & Bibi, from some backwater town called Moosejaw. Boogalow sees great potential in Bibi, and convinces her to sign a contract with BIM. Alphie is shown visions of Hell on Earth, and declines to sign, sensing some bad mojo in the air. Bibi literally becomes a megastar overnight, singing one terrible rock song about America and amphetamines in front of a disinterested crowd, everybody drives around in the same "futuristic" station wagon, gets seduced by some prick who thinks he's Roger Daltrey, and dyes her hair purple.

Alphie tries to act, tries to sing, and fails at both, stares at things with his vacant, bulging eyes, tries to record a hit folk song, gets pounded by bald goons with tusks jutting proudly from the slavering jaws, tries to kill himself (I guess) and wanders into a park where he stumbles upon a hippie commune in a cave. He meets their leader, Barbarian Santa Claus (Joss Ackland), is annointed with patchouli oil, and joins their filthy order.

Eventually, Bibi looks around and realizes that Mr. Boogalow is the fucking Devil, and runs away. Barbarian Santa, shirtless and swarthy, guides Bibi to her loverboy Alphie in their reeking hippie hideaway. In the very next scene, Alphie is sporting a truly terrible fake beard, and Bibi is dressed like a stoned-out broad at a Phish concert, and they have a toddler. Mr. Boogalow, apparently stupid as well as evil, finally tracks Bibi down and an army of jackbooted stormtroopers descend upon the hippies.

Boogalow produces Bibi's contract, and demands that she return to her life of B-movie luxury as a hollow pop star in this brave new world, but Alphie assures her that some dude named "Mr. Topps" will shortly come and save the day. Bibi looks just as confused as I did when hearing this. I'm thinking this is some sort of Jonestown situation, and the kool-aid will soon be passed around to all the true believers.

Then a glowing car descends from the sky, and I think I'm hallucinating. Holy shit! Emilio Estevez is finally returning from his extra-dimensional vision quest at the end of "Repo Man"! But no, a sharp-dressed, well-coifed Joss Ackland descends from the heavens in his sparkly Caddy. Mr. Topps has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

Topps shares words with Boogalow, telling his nemesis that he's taking the filthy hippies with him, to start over on a brand-new world, without Boogalow's evil influence. Then Mr. Topps leads the great unwashed into the sky, and the film ends. I realized as I watched the credits roll that I had just seen the fucking Rapture. De Nomolos lead the hippies to the Promised Land.

This movie is fucking insane. There is no real story to speak of. There's not nearly enough time spent on any of the characters to flesh them out in any meaningful way. The script is trash. The music is worthless. The performances are dreadful across the board. Nobody can sing to save their lives. The budget is too small to accurately portray the scope of the proceedings. And the direction is inept, at best.

And it ends with the fucking Rapture!

I found this movie at a video store that was going out of business for 3 dollars. I watched it, and I want my money back. I can't believe this movie got made. So if you, Dear Imaginary Reader, ever get the chance to view the minor cult classic "The Apple"...

...don't.

P.S. - A new podcast will rear its ugly head soon. You've been warned.

Game Over?!

The final entry in the excrutiatingly-long franchise, "Saw 3D", was loosed from the loins of Lionsgate into megaplexes across the country on Halloween weekend. And what was I doing on Halloween? Well, because I have essentially no social life, I was at one of those megaplexes, watching "Saw 3D". And because my cousin Ky is a mysterious fellow, he decided to join me.

We watched the damned movie, and now we've recorded a podcast wherein we ramble semi-coherently about it. Here it is:



And because that's not nearly enough, and because we have a lot of free time on our hands, we decided to record an additional podcast wherein we attempt to discuss the "Saw" franchise, in general. Here it is:



I understand that in posting this so far removed from Halloween, it is essentially irrelevant. Who the hell wants to hear two strange dudes talking about any "Saw" movies after Halloween? But you see, that's not my problem. I'm just the guy who stands on his Internet Soapbox, shouting into the void. It's a lonely existence, but I'm used to it.

P.S. - "Due Date" review forthcoming.

If A Jackass Falls In The Forest...

I recently sat down at the local movie house with my pal Ky, and we saw a little film called "Jackass 3D". A few weeks later, we recorded a podcast about "Jackass 3D". Coincidence?

This short and sweet "review" is directly below. If you would like to visit our movie review podcast page, you can click here.



I hope you, Dear Imaginary Reader, enjoy the podcast format, because very soon I will be unleashing not only a review of "Saw 3D: The Traps Come Alive And Fuck Everyone's Lives", but also a retrospective of sorts, covering the entire "Saw" franchise.

I'll also be rambling about "Due Date" some time in the near future, but that rant will be in glorious Retro Text!

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