Patriotism! - A Cautionary Tale

On this, the 4th day of the blessed month of July, when the prairie is baked by the oppressive sun and the flesh of the innocent sizzles on the celestial barbecue, beckoning the denizens of the inferno to an unholy banquet of blood and bone, the people of the United States of America celebrate something called "Independence Day".

Being a man of the world, I do a lot of traveling. Mostly, I travel to the end of the driveway to collect the mail each afternoon. And on this regular sojourn, I meet many interesting people. Granted, most of these people only exist in my mind, and are largely composed of gross caricatures of cultural stereotypes, but I do tend to have some interesting conversations.

The other day, I spoke to a young Canadian hand model from Montreal as I sauntered up the driveway, parcels in hand. His name was Francois, and he was despondent because he was not fortunate enough to be born in the United States of America, a.k.a. THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!

I tried to console Francois, telling him that since he was merely a figment of my imagination, he wasn't really born in that cesspool Quebec, and was as American as myself. Poor Francois could not be consoled, however, and he quickly dashed into traffic, tears streaming down his imaginary face. His fictional life was cut short by a speeding grey pick-up truck, his final words consisting of some unintelligible faux-French gibberish.

I mourned the late Francois for a long time... at least two minutes. Then I watched Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and forgot all about him. Until this moment. I don't know exactly what this "Independence Day" claptrap is all about, because I never paid attention in American History class. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Mel Gibson, a Freemason conspiracy, and Benjamin Franklin banging French whores. Also: FIREWORKS.

After all, what better way can one think of to celebrate the birth of our failed republic than to buy an obscene amount of exploding things manufactured by the Chinese? I can't think of any. At the very least, the loud noises and flashing lights serve as a fine distraction from the fact that this country is circling the drain. Rll-Hor knows we could all use a distraction in these trying times.

Speaking of distractions: A new episode of The Podcast Of Lies is here! Entitled The Christian Rock Podcast, this installment focuses on... wait for it... Christian Rock music! That's exciting, right? That's hip! That's cool! All the kids these days listen to their toe-tapping Jesus-centric rock music. Because nothing goes together better than Rock 'N' Roll and our lord and savior.

So join us for this truly uplifting episode of The Podcast Of Lies this wondrous "Independence Day", and don't forget to drink a lot of beer while you play with your fireworks. Statistically, you probably won't injure yourself or your loved ones, but that's no reason not to give it an honest shot!

P.S. -  There's some stuff coming. I can almost see it on the horizon...

... oh wait, that's just the ghost of my dear friend, Francois. Vaya Con Dios, you smelly prick!