Wish It Into The Cornfield!

Green Lantern is a motion picture based on a DC Comics character that has existed, in one form or another, for 71 years. It's taken Hollywood a long time to get around to everybody's favorite four-color space cop. Truth be told, Green Lantern isn't my favorite four-color space cop. No, I much prefer Marvel Comics' Nova. I think it's the helmet. It just looks cool. But we're never going to get a Nova movie, and the long-running PBS series of the same name is a poor substitute. But hey! We've finally got that Green Lantern movie everybody's been looking forward to!

The premise behind the Green Lantern mythology is simple enough: A long, long time ago, a syndicate of immortal blue midgets living on the planet Oa at the center of the known universe founded an interstellar legion of peacekeepers called the "Green Lantern Corps". The Green Lanterns harness the power of will through specialized rings, creating constructs with this power to aid them in their fight against evildoers everywhere. These constructs can be anything; the only limit is the imagination of the ring bearer. The blue midgets, henceforth known as the Guardians Of The Universe, recruit new members of the Green Lantern Corps from all over the Universe, which is split into 3,600 sectors, with one Green Lantern assigned to protect each sector.

Now let's talk about the movie, shall we?

Whither G'Nort? - There Used To Be A Plot Synopsis Here...

Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is a test pilot for Ferris Aircraft. He's cocky, self-assured, and he sleeps around. He's also filled with quivering daddy issues, having watched his big shot pilot father blow up on the runway as a child. When Hal was a child, not his father. That would have been a weird twist. A poorly-timed flashback to this harrowing event causes Hal to freeze up at the controls of his fighter jet during a very important combat exercise, and he is forced to eject before he crashes in the desert. He gets fired and hangs out with his brother's family for one scene, and then both he and the movie forget that Hal has a family for the duration of the picture. He fights and flirts with Carol Ferris (Blake Lively), the boss's daughter, then he gets kidnapped by a ball of light and is transported to the beach, where he finds the Skinless Jango Fett variant action figure lying in a wrecked spacecraft, trying to pawn off his tricked-out ring to the new guy, because the ring chose him.

Skinless Jango Fett, henceforth known as Abin Sur, is dying, you see, and to explain why requires a bit of backstory, which the film was quite happy to provide. A while back, one of the Guardians Of The Universe chose to experiment with harnessing the power of fear, in order to augment their collective strength. This experiment went terribly wrong, and the wayward Guardian became the very embodiment of fear itself, a soul-sucking monster called Parallax.

Abin Sur, being a particularly badass Green Lantern, managed to subdue and capture Parallax, imprisoning the baddie in an underground cavern on some backwater planet. Eventually, Parallax escaped from his prison, transforming into a gargantuan spacefaring amoeba, catching up to Abin Sur and wrecking his pretty new spaceship. Mortally wounded, Abin Sur escaped in... an escape pod, and crashed on Earth.

Recruited by the dead alien, Hal Jordan is whisked away to Oa, the home of the Green Lantern Corps. On Oa, Hal encounters Tomar-Re, a kindly fish-bird Lantern who teaches him how to fly, and Kilowog, who teaches him how to fight with the constructs he can make with his ring. Well, I suppose he trains with them, but the entire sequence lasts no more than five minutes, before legendary Green Lantern Sinestro, best friend of Abin Sur and master of the widow's peak, shows up to kick sand in pathetic human Hal Jordan's face. Hal, being a complete wimp, immediately decides to take his ball(ring) and fuck off back to Earth, where he can cry in his pillow and listen to his Fall Out Boy albums in peace.

This sequence starts out promisingly enough, with Hal learning to fly, exhibiting a child-like exuberance, hanging out with the laid-back Tomar-Re. Hal is then turned over to the capable hands of "drill sergeant" Kilowog, who punishes his new charge with heavy green rocks and the treacherous gravity of an artificial sun. It's all a little campy, but that's fine. These scenes have their charms, and they place the audience in an environment that they've never seen before in a superhero movie. That alone is commendable, and I was hoping the film would spend more time on Oa, or at least away from Earth. After all, Hal Jordan is the new Green Lantern for Sector 2814, of which Earth is only one small part.

But the film finds an excuse to get Hal Jordan away from Oa, as well as his duties as a Green Lantern, because he just doesn't think he's good enough. His comic book counterpart didn't have this problem, because the comic book version of Hal Jordan isn't a pussy. Apparently the screenwriters thought that "fearless, willful badass" meant "boring", and felt obligated to give their cinematic Hal Jordan severe performance anxiety. So we're left with a sulking earthbound protagonist for the majority of the film. Very disappointing.

The film also introduces Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard), an introverted, nervy scientist who is recruited by the U.S. government (thanks to his Senator father, played by Tim Robbins) to perform an autopsy on the corpse of Abin Sur. During the autopsy, he is infected by a small shard of Parallax that was imbedded in the corpse's wound. This does not bode well for our boy Hector. Over time, he develops prodigious mental abilities (telepathy and telekinesis), and transforms into a more hirsute version of the Elephant Man. It's like Joseph Merrick's power fantasy daydreams come to life!

Hector is also madly in love with Carol Ferris, and goes way back with Hal Jordan, although the film mystifyingly tries to keep this information a secret for well over an hour. Hector's b-plot just falls right into the main story during a big dinner party, where we find out through some clunky dialogue that he just happens to know our protagonist. It's awkward. Also awkward: Hector burying his face into Carol's hair, sniffing her perfume like a creepy stalker in the midst of a purely platonic hug.

TIME COMPRESSION!

Hector tries to kill his father at the dinner party, using his mental abilities to crash the Senator's helicopter, but Hal saves the day by turning the helicopter into a race car and driving it around a giant green Hot Wheels race track. Unfortunately Hal's victory is short-lived, because Hector later succeeds in roasting his daddy like a chicken in a futuristic laboratory. On Oa, the Guardians tell Sinestro all about Parallax, and Sinestro automatically draws the conclusion that harnessing fear is still a great idea, tasking the Guardians with creating a yellow ring Sinestro can use to combat Parallax.

Hal shows up and plays Captain Obvious, telling the Guardians that going back to the fear well is a terrible idea, and that instead they should rally the Corps to help Hal defeat Parallax, who is on his way to Earth. The Guardians call Hal a pussy and tell him to get lost. Back home, hal saves Carol from his bloated romantic nemesis Hector, and Parallax shows up to call his protégé a pathetic failure, before swallowing his soul like Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat. Hal leads the giant space amoeba Parallax away from the planet Earth, punching him into the sun and slaying the fear monster once and for all.

Worn out by his ordeal, an unconscious Hal drifts toward the sun, but is saved by Sinestro, Kilowog and Tomar-Re, who were apparently floating around and watching this titanic struggle occur, too lazy to lift a finger to help their comrade. Who are the real pussies, gentlemen?! Our film ends with Hal Jordan embracing his destiny as the Green Lantern of Sector 2814, and Sinestro back on Oa, taking possession of the yellow ring the Guardians inexplicably forged for him. The End.

What Happened To Coast City? - Further Thoughts On The Film

I don't like this movie. I wanted to like this movie, but it just wasn't meant to be. Green Lantern failed to make a connection with me, on any level. I've been trying to remember the story, and I keep ending up drawing a blank. Aside from the major plot points, nothing left an impression. There may or may not have been any sincere attempts at character building in the film, but for the life of me, I can't recall any of them.

We barely get to know Hal Jordan. All we ever really learn about him is that his cocky exterior masks his insecurity. That's it. He's hardly a character. He's quick with a witty one-liner, but his bravado hides his lack of self-confidence. He wallows in self-pity, then Carol gives him a pep talk, and he's suddenly filled with the self-confidence he needs to defeat Parallax. His character arc is fumbled. The script gives Ryan Reynolds nothing to work with, and so he brings nothing to the table, aside from his natural persona.

And what's the deal with Hector Hammond? He never comes across as a credible adversary for Hal Jordan. His big confrontation with Hal Jordan fizzles, so much so that Parallax himself bursts through a wall to belittle poor Hector before he puts him out of his misery. It's like Parallax was just hanging out, watching his protégé embarass himself until he couldn't take anymore. Hector Hammond is a completely unnecessary secondary antagonist.

Peter Sarsgaard manages to do something with his performance, however. He plays Hammond as an awkward wimp with no social skills, limply drifting through his life, too afraid to stand up for himself. After he's infected with Parallax juice, he begins to relish his newfound power, gleefully indulging in his darker impulses. The film tries to set up Hector Hammond as Hal Jordan's sinister alter-ego, being the man who embraces the fear that has crippled him for so long, using it as a literal weapon to lash out at others, including his hapless father. It's a shame the movie doesn't know what to do with this interesting character.

Blake Lively as Carol Ferris is set dressing. That's about all I can say about her, really. I had no opinion on her before this movie, and after watching this movie I still have no opinion. She exists! Green Lantern is proof! However, it's not proof that she has any discernable acting skills.

The only other actor that left a favorable impression on me was Mark Strong as Sinestro. He has extremely limited screentime, but in that limited screentime he is given two rousing speeches to his fellow Green Lanterns, and he sells the shit out of some mediocre dialogue. He also provides a much more charismatic performance than Ryan Reynolds. This is not due to the screenplay (aforementioned mediocre dialogue), but due to the fact that Mark Strong is just a better actor than Ryan Reynolds. Strong took the terrible script and turned his small role into something memorable.

At least if we get a sequel, it's a guarantee that Mark Strong will have more to do, because in the comics Sinestro is Hal Jordan's nemesis, eventually creating his own legion of yellow ring-bearing baddies called The Sinestro Corps. Although I'm sure the brilliant minds behind this movie will find a way to fuck that up, too.

And what about the special effects? For the most part, they're pretty good. The prosthetic makeup used on Peter Sarsgaard and Mark Strong is excellent. With Sinestro, the makeup artists managed to make a pink dude with a big head and an aggressive widow's peak look credible, and that is an amazing thing. As for the digital effects, they range from good to mediocre, with the Green Lantern uniform being the worst offender.

I don't know who thought making Hal Jordan's costume an entirely digital creation was a good idea, but they should be fired. It never looks credible. Not once. I was never able to suspend my disbelief regarding this effect. Giant amorphous yellow monsters that sound like Clancy Brown? Sure. A tall bird-fish dude with Geoffrey Rush's soothing voice? Why not? A digital glowing green uniform that resembles the human muscular system, coursing with energy, awkwardly rendered over Ryan Reynolds' physique? No dice.

It never looks remotely realistic. I thought giving Crispin Glover a computer-generated body in Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland looked horrible, but at least that movie had an excuse for his loopy limbs, taking place in fucking Wonderland. I understand that the Green Lantern uniform is a construct, created by the ring Hal Jordan wears, and the special effects artists thought it would be a cool idea to make it look like it's composed of energy, but the effect doesn't work. They could have given him a real uniform to wear, manipulating it digitally in post-production with the energy effects, and it would have been much better.

And the fucking mask. The space around Hal's eyes is sunken, giving the mask an illusion of depth, but the fact that the mask itself is flush with his face gives the impression that his eyes are set deep into his skull, like a corpse. This creates a creepy visual, not helped by the contact lenses Ryan Reynolds wears in his Green Lantern mode, which are off-white with pinpoint irises. They look like the eyes of a dead person. There were some terrible decisions made with this movie, and Hal Jordan's Green Lantern uniform is near the top of that list.

Story-wise, what's the deal with the Guardians Of The Universe heeding Sinestro's advice and forging a yellow power ring? Why the fuck would they do that? The product of their last dalliance with fear is cruising the galaxy, killing Green Lanterns left and right, and their solution is to try again? This is sheer stupidity. But it's not suprising if you know anything about the Guardians Of The Universe.

Ganthet Wept - Requiem For Incompetence

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Before these blue midgets dared to call themselves "guardians" of anything, they were a race of mad scientists called Maltusians. They loved tinkering with lower life forms, including a certain species of primitive lizard, which they genetically manipulated to promote brain development. Eventually, the Maltusians abandoned their homeworld, leaving behind the rapidly evolving reptiles as they gained higher intelligence and self-awareness, calling themselves Psions.

The Psions lived in the ruins of the Maltusian cities, investigating their laboratories and absorbing their scientific knowledge. In time, the Psions constructed starships of their own in order to travel through the universe and find their creators. When they eventually found the Maltusians (now calling themselves "Guardians Of The Universe") on their new homeworld Oa, the Psions were not greeted warmly. The Guardians lamented their shortsightedness in not destroying their creations before they left their old homeworld, and imprisoned the Psions on a distant world, supposedly for their own good.

Now segregated from the rest of the universe, the Psions exist in a constant existential crisis, burying all memories of their origins in shame while they continue to ask themselves the oldest question: Why are we here? They have yet to receive their answer.

And how, exactly, did these Maltusians become the Guardians Of The Universe in the first place? This is due to the actions of one Maltusian named Krona, who dared to create a machine that would allow him to glimpse the birth of the universe, despite an old prophecy that stated the creation of such a machine would "cause a great calamity". Krona told the prophecy to go fuck itself and made his damned machine anyway.

So what happened when Krona turned his machine on? Well, he got his wish and saw the Big Bang... and then the machine exploded, fracturing the birth of the universe, creating the infamous DC Comics Multiverse, as well as another universe constructed entirely out of anti-matter called Qward. This act also created a being known as the Anti-Monitor, a monstrous entity responsible for the fucking Crisis On Infinite Earths.

After Krona's folly, his fellow Maltusians punished their brother by turning him into a being of pure energy, forced to wander the cosmos for all eternity. The Maltusians then took it upon themselves to become a force for supreme good, dubbing themselves the "Guardians Of The Galaxy". Because obviously these assholes are ready for that kind of responsibility.

Eventually their decision to banish Krona from corporeal existence came back to bite them in their blue asses, as well. Krona becomes obsessed with discovering the secret behind the initial creation of the universe, and eventually becomes the manifestation of Entropy, devouring entire universes in his misguided quest. It took the combined forces of the Justice League and Marvel Comics' Avengers to defeat Krona, trapping him in a "cosmic egg".

Moving on, the first attempt by the self-imposed Guardians Of The Universe to create an intergalactic peace-keeping force was a machine race called "Manhunters". These Manhunters carried out their duties just fine for a while, until they came to the conclusion that the root cause of all chaos in the universe was sentient life. Thus, their goal became the eradication of all sentient life in the universe. With a little help from Krona (that asshole again!), the Manhunters murdered trillions of lives in what has become known as "the massacre of Sector 666".

A great war was waged, and the Manhunters were nearly eradicated by the Guardians. Unfortunately, some of the Manhunters escaped, and the surviving machines vowed revenge on their creators. They still pop up from time to time to fuck with the Guardians. In fact some Manhunters have become members of the Sinestro Corps, complete with little yellow power batteries in their chests. Good job!

But it continues. One particular Guardian, wounded by the Anti-Monitor and called Scar, began steering her fellow Guardians in a more militant direction, mocking an ancient prophecy that refers to something called "The Blackest Night". We all know how well shunning prophecies has worked for the Guardians in the past. Scar begins acting like a bloodthirsty lunatic, instigating conflicts with the Sinestro Corps and Agent Orange, a being that harnesses the orange light of avarice. Scar claims these acts are all efforts to strengthen the Green Lantern Corps for future events.

Eventually, it's revealed that Scar has actually been dead since she was attacked by the Anti-Monitor, and was actually a zombie thrall of Nekron, who is basically the DC Universe's version of Death incarnate. Her actions usher in the prophesied "Blackest Night", an event that nearly wipes out all life in the universe. And she operated in plain sight, interacting with the living Guardians for a long time. These fools never even suspected Scar was a double agent for the fucking Grim Reaper.

These little blue pricks can't be trusted to manage a McDonald's franchise, and they've entrusted themselves with the safety of all life in the universe? Their heads are swollen for a reason, and it's not to contain their massive brains. The only good thing they ever did was create the Green Lantern Corps. Fuck the Guardians Of The Universe, those egomaniacal assholes.

What was I talking about? Shit, this is supposed to be a movie review, isn't it? Was I finished talking about the movie? Let's see... uninspiring performances, lazy direction, mediocre script, hit-or-miss special effects... I think that about sums it up. I apologize for this rambling mess of a review. Now I'm off to do... something else.

Alan Scott, the only real Green Lantern.

P.S. - I saw two lovely limited relase films these past two weeks, and I will shortly return to tell you, Dear Imaginary Reader, all about them. Until then, I bid you a fond farewell.