Swelling Out In The Wrong Direction

Real Steel opened last weekend. I still can't believe this movie even exists. Directed by Shawn Levy, a man who has directed literally nothing good in his 14 year career, and starring Hugh Jackman, a charismatic actor who has made some terrible choices (Van Helsing? Wow.), Real Steel is a film version of the classic children's game Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

I know everybody who saw the trailer thought the same thing, so I'm hardly original on that front. It's also a remake of Sylvester Stallone's 1987 arm wrestling-meets-child custody drama Over The Top. Who the fuck asked for this? What have we done to deserve this? Are we being punished?

I actually read a few early reviews that claimed Real Steel to be a so-called "good movie". How is that possible? I don't know and I don't care. I didn't see Real Steel. I don't want to see Real Steel. I want to forget that Real Steel exists. And I will, just as soon as I finish this bottle of whiskey I hide under my bed... for emergencies. I don't know if this movie is worthy of such scorn. But I can't help the way I feel.

I reject Real Steel on some basic, lizard-brain, fight-or-flight level.

Maybe the kids will love it, but I don't have any kids. (There's a shocker!) If I want to experience Real Steel, I'll just watch Over The Top (now on Blu-Ray!) and play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with my cousin Ky. Since I intend to never watch Over The Top again in my life, I'll just have to do without.

I don't have time for this shit. I'm in the middle of a serious existential crisis. Halloween is coming up, and I haven't figured out what costume I'm going to wear when I go trick-or-treating.

Why would I, a 28 year-old man, still be trick-or-treating? Because I love free candy. It's not that big of a deal, anyway. I just wander into a strange neighborhood wearing whatever costume I've chosen, add a dented helmet and a pillow case, and the homeowners take pity on me.

Am I taking advantage? Yes. Am I a despicable person? Yes. But at the end of the night, I'm a despicable person with a pillow case stuffed with free candy. And that's good enough for me.

Anyway, maybe I should talk about the movies I have seen. I'm going to try something a little different here, compressing my reviews into short, easily digestible pieces, because I've gotten several e-mails over my tenure here at The Book Of Lies complaining about the long, meandering mountains of text that comprise my standard reviews.

Here then, is an experiment.

Contagion: Fantastic movie.

Drive: Fantastic-er movie.

That was harmless, right? Glad that worked out. And now for something we think you'll really like!



Before I get back to my busy day of staring at the television and drooling on myself, I've been running over a some recent comments on the blog, and I would like to highlight a few of my recent favorites...

From Blood Is Thicker Than Urine: 

Anonymous says... This shit isn't funny. The very fact that you are making light of such sensitive topics is testament to the fact that you and your little crony are worthless excuses for human beings and should have been aborted, yourselves. I'm never reading this tasteless excuse for a blog again.

From Won't Somebody Think Of The Children?!:

Anonymous says... I don't understand this. At first you're raving like a crazy person about birds and pie, then you throw yourself into a coherent movie review. Weird stuff. I totally agree about the missed opportunity with the 'magician v. vampire' stuff, by the way.

From Bronson-Mania!!!:

Anonymous says... I love Charles Bronson as much as the next guy, and I appreciate what you were trying to do here. But did you have to dwell on such blasphemy? It was completely unnecessary, and actually rather offensive. As a celebration of the life and career of Charles Bronson, you have unfortunately failed. better luck next time.

This "Anonymous" guy sure gets around, doesn't he? Thanks for the feedback! And don't forget, if you leave a comment with a valid e-mail address on the blog between now and November 1st, you'll be automatically registered to win... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

But if you do stop by on Halloween, you'll get to listen to our extra-special 1st anniversary edition of The Podcast Of Lies featuring a very special guest! That's almost as good as nothing. In fact, I daresay that's marginally better than nothing.

Save another pretzel for the gas jets, you grimy motherfuckers!