The Bellringer Is Loose!

Good lord, has it been two weeks already? I can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I was tormenting my dwindling readership with a new podcast. I guess time flies when you live in a windowless dungeon and have no idea whether the sun has risen or the seasons have changed.

But things are changing, boys and girls. Yes indeed. This October brings with it the melodic echoes of wedding bells. Not for me. Oh no. Not this guy. Nobody's stupid enough to marry this mess.

I am referring to my dear brother, Mattias. Our family cannibal is tying the knot with his child bride for Halloween, and the family couldn't be more thrilled. I think my father actually contemplated getting off the couch to personally congratulate the lad when he heard the news. He reconsidered, of course. But it's the thought that counts.

The two lovebirds are going to get hitched soon. And that means I have to squeeze my fat ass into a tuxedo, and I fucking hate tuxedos. Something about the bow tie... it just rubs me the wrong way. Nobody looks good wearing a bow tie.

Except for The Doctor.

I can't wait until the big day, when I get to make a big speech and tell my brother how happy I am for him, all the while choking back the bile rising in my throat. It's going to be great! I'm thinking of sneaking a little Tom Waits into the wedding ceremony. Perhaps I'll replace "Here Comes The Bride" with "Misery Is The River Of The World". It will prepare the happy couple for the long, dark road that lies ahead. And isn't that the greatest wedding gift of all?

At any rate, it's the only gift they'll be getting from me. Aside from the gift of my presence, of course. Which is fucking priceless. Mostly because they refused to pay my standard rate for public appearances. He's my brother, so I'm obligated to make the scene, but I'm going to phone my shit in, big time.

Eh... it's cool. I just wish they wouldn't keep shooting down my ideas for the ceremony. Why is a bubble machine off-limits? Who doesn't love bubbles? They're fucking whimsical! I thought the "best man" had a little pull at these events, but I guess I was wrong.

Enough of such talk! Now is the time to introduce the tenth amazing installment of the world's least favorite podcast, Lies My Podcast Told Me!

What? Nothing? No fanfare? No applause? Not even an ironic slow clap? Christ.

Sorry, I'm too busy being a worthless fucking hipster.

Is it too much to ask for the sky to be torn asunder by the hands of a flaming deity, bathing the world in a cleansing rain of blood that will wash away all the sins of mankind in a torrent of crimson fury? I don't know why I typed that. I don't know why you read that.

All I know is that this episode is entitled LIVERS!, and it's fucked up. Seriously fucked up.

Something horrible happened on the night this podcast was recorded. I won't give it away, because I don't want to spoil the surprise. But it's amazing.

Also discussed: Univision, corrective trousers, defective refrigerator components, and freakshows. I would consider it well worth your time. But I can't be objective about such things. Just... just listen to the damned thing and make up your own mind. Don't let THE MAN tell you what to think:

Chapter 10: LIVERS!



(The surprise is there's no surprise.)

That's all I've got for you today. Enjoy what little time you have left on this planet. Because it's running out.

Bye!

Peekaboo!