Do Not Disassemble!

I was in a convenience store the other day, wasting time after seeing Ben Affleck's latest thriller Argo. Really good movie, by the way. The true story is utterly fascinating, and the film does a good job of bringing it to life.

I was a little disappointed in the lack of Jack Kirby love, however. He appears in one brief scene, played by brilliant actor Michael Parks. He has one line, and he is never named in the film. That sucked. But it's a nitpick, really.

I had a good time watching Argo, and that's really all I have to say about the film. I know there are some people reading this blog who just want me to review another movie. After all, I've only really reviewed three films here since the year began, and my dwindling readership expects more. Never mind the fact that I have stated repeatedly that this is not a movie review blog.

This is a review blog like Argo was a real movie.

If and when I see a movie that compels me to rant about it on this blog, I will do so. Until then, you'll take what I give you, and you'll like it. Back to my anectdote...

So I was at a convenience store the other day, and I was looking for some peanut butter M&Ms. Because they're good, and I'm a fat asshole who can't stop eating. I couldn't find any in the store, so I asked the clerk behind the counter if they were hiding the peanut butter MMs somewhere else in the tiny store. He cocked his head and asked "smooth or chunky?", and my head nearly exploded.

This son of a bitch had me momentarily doubting myself. Were there smooth and chunky varieties of peanut butter M&Ms? Was I crazy? I'd never seen them before, but I suppose that didn't mean they weren't real. What would chunky peanut butter M&Ms taste like? I hate chunky peanut butter, so I surmised I would not enjoy them.

Nothing chunky about that.

Upon further reflection, weren't plain peanut M&Ms basically the same thing as chunky peanut butter M&MS? Is there really a difference? Time seemed to stand still as I stared into the clerk's vacant eyes. Finally, I managed to clarify my stance by croaking out the word "smooth".

He scratched his head and contemplated his response for several seconds before eventually telling me that they were probably out of stock. He didn't ask anybody else or check his computer. He just guessed. I turned and left the convenience store without uttering another word. A quick Google search assured me that chunky peanut butter M&Ms did not exist.

My entire world was on the verge of collapsing like a house of cards, all because this clueless asshole had to utter the words "smooth or chunky". But I'm fine now, thanks for asking.

And now it's time to introduce the next exciting chapter in my continuing podcast series Lies My Podcast Told Me!

Man, that last episode didn't go over well, did it? Holy hell, people were upset over that one. I don't see the problem, really. You joke about violating the corpse of one pop star, and folks can't help but take it the wrong way. Although I must say it's flattering to know there are people out there who worry about my mental health. You're in my prayers, listeners.

Moving on, this amazing twelfth chapter of my long-running podcast is entitled Fisher Stevens Fandango!, and it features 75% less celebrity necrophilia. So worry not, Dear Imaginary Reader! This particular installment deals mostly with the career of actor Fisher Stevens, as if you couldn't guess that from the title.

Counterfeit Indian.

Other topics include the lack of transvestites on prime-time network television, the inevitable resurrection of Patrick Swayze, and my obsessions with actress Lorraine Bracco and Kaiju.

I would so paint her house...

But the focus of this podcast is Fisher Stevens and the Short Circuit franchise. More specifically, the scene in Short Circuit 2 that pulled me kicking and screaming into adulthood far too early.

If you've seen the movie, then you know what I'm talking about. If not, then settle in, because it's gonna be a wild ride:

Chapter 12: Fisher Stevens Fandango!



Before I check out, let me remind you that there will be a Halloween-related post on October 31st, if you're into that sort of thing. And the next episode of Lies My Podcast Told Me will be a clipshow made up of bits and pieces deleted from the previous twelve episodes. Prepare accordingly.

TIME MARCHES ON!

I know those are Emmys in the background, but I can't help but think about the Golden Globes...