Blood For Santa: Day 1

Darkness. All-encompassing darkness. The longest night of the year is upon us. The solstice has arrived, and winter is here. But not the apocalypse. Nope, we can all cross that one off our list.

Breathe a sigh of relief as you realize your world is not coming to an end this day. Then shudder with terror as you realize that my annual holiday observance has begun.

That's right, kids! I'm back!

I noticed a few comments on earlier posts complaining about my complete failure to stick to a regular schedule with Lies My Podcast Told Me, and I must admit I'm touched that somebody actually wants to listen the audio delights I offer on this "blog". Thanks for enjoying the show. But that "regular schedule" thing I promised back in May? I lost interest. That's all there is to it.

Every two weeks? That's too much work. Every single time I sit in front of this computer and start typing, I feel like screaming. Trying to figure out what words to string together in order to form coherent sentences? That's madness. I'd rather be watching James Bond movies. Any of them. Except for Die Another Day.

I received the Bond 50 blu ray set as a birthday present, and decided to watch Pierce Brosnan's final outing as 007 first, because that is the only James Bond film I have never seen. I barely made it 15 minutes into the film before I wanted to shut off my blu ray player and throw it out a window. I made it through, but it was an endurance test. Die Another Day is, without a doubt, the worst James Bond movie ever made. It's just absolutely worthless. That movie can go fuck itself.

Wait... I think it already has.

Then I re-watched The Living Daylights and Licence To Kill to cheer myself up. Timothy Dalton's 007 movies are so much better than any of Pierce Brosnan's attempts. They don't get nearly enough respect.

Christmas? What the fuck are you talking about?

Oooooh... right. That's what I'm supposed to be talking about.

But why? What exactly am I supposed to say that I haven't said before in either of my previous holiday-themed extravaganzas? I've told you about the pagan origins of the holiday, its more recent secular reinvention, I've shared many of my own personal holiday stories, and I've even extolled the virtues of the much-maligned holiday classic Silent Night, Deadly Night. What else is there?

I'm sure I'll think of something eventually, but right now I just want to share the good news. And what is the good news? Well, just hold onto your furry hats and let me tell you.

I've been a little lax in my schedule for Lies My Podcast Told Me as of late. And I'm making up for lost time by giving you, my dear, dear listeners, five nights of all-new podcast hilarity. Not only that, but these podcasts are actually good! I've just finished editing them, and these may be the best podcasts I've ever recorded.

But I didn't record them alone. Oh no, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my ever-present co-host and partner in this experiment in madness, the peanut butter to my jelly, the cousin Larry to my Balky: Ky, collaborator extraordinaire.

This beautiful bastard.

He's always been there, keeping the booze flowing like water from a mountain spring. Thanks for everything, pal. You're getting a sturdy alcoholic beverage for Christmas, because I know you'll put it to good use.

Now let me introduce to you, Dear Imaginary Listener, the fifteenth chapter of Lies My Podcast Told Me. This episode is entitled The Most Dangerous Game, and it's a real humdinger. Discussions include the vile confection known as Red Vines, the versatile dairy product cottage cheese, projectile vomiting, irresponsible lottery winners, and my brilliant idea for a Revenge Of The Nerds sequel. Listen to it. Make love to it:

Chapter 15: The Most Dangerous Game  



Join me tomorrow for part two of my unique brand of holiday frivolity.