Nerd Quest

Two days ago, the temperature nearly hit seventy degrees. Yesterday, the howling northern winds refrigerated the plains. Some snow flurries came and went. It's confusing, this weather. I never know what to expect. What does that have to do with anything? Everything, as a matter of fact. Nobody can define what a "blogging experience" is supposed to be. I can ramble about the weather if I so choose. There's no mission statement here.

A few weeks ago I dreamed about a bizarre, forgotten low budget 1980's science fiction movie I discovered on some obscure internet review show. It was some fevered combination of The Galaxy Invader, Forbidden World, and Inseminoid. I distinctly remember one memorable scene involving a buxom co-ed being seduced by the alien intruder in some deserted roadside cafe. The creature used its telepathic abilities to bring various kitchen utensils to life, which it then used to violate the poor young woman in various disturbing ways. Then some state troopers showed up, and after a protracted gun fight, the alien was arrested and charged with aggravated sexual assault.

My diseased mind named the film The Ice Harvest, even though it had nothing to do with the season of winter, or ice in any fashion, and it wasn't directed by Harold Ramis. I woke up and immediately began a Google search for the film, getting increasingly frustrated that I couldn't find any evidence of the film's existence. After several minutes I finally realized that the movie never existed, and that I had just dreamed the whole thing up. I felt like such a loser.

So... nerds! Nerds rule the world, apparently. That's what people keep telling me. I remember when the nerds had their revenge in Revenge Of The Nerds, a film that I cherish a great deal, but I don't think that means they've conquered the planet. I think the term "nerd" has become so prevalent that doesn't really mean anything anymore.



NERRRRRRRRRRDDD!!!!!!!

I'm a nerd. A geek. A dweeb. I have been my entire life. I was never cool. I had friends in school, but they were all nerds like me. Other people called us names and belittled us frequently. We weren't cool by "normal" standards. I was fine with it. We all were. We didn't want to be a part of their world, anyway. They had nothing interested to say, as far as we were concerned. The cool kids liked talking about sports and cars and popular music. We liked to talk about Doctor Who and Tolkein and Star Trek and astronomy.

We made our own comic books and sold them to other kids during recess. That particular business endeavor became rather popular. At the height of our popularity, we offered seven unique titles every week at 25 cents a pop. Our funny books were diverse. We had titles devoted to a schlubby Superman parody, brutal Mortal Kombat-esque violent altercations between colorful characters, and even the story of a foul-mouthed sentient nail who liked to watch Monty Python movies.

We became so popular that a rival 5th grade class created their own comic book company to face off with us for the sweet playground dollars. Their flagship title followed the adventures of a talking journal as it traveled the world, learning about different cultures in a series of limp-dick Indiana Jones rip-off stories. They never stood a chance. We reigned supreme, raking in fistfuls of change that we used to buy professional comic books. That was a great year.

But the cool kids still laughed at us every chance they had. They missed no opportunity to make fun of us for our stupid hobby. I'm not bitter about it. Like I said, I never had any interest in those things the cool kids coveted. I never wanted to join in their reindeer games. I don't give a flying fuck about the upcoming Super Bowl, but if you want to argue the pros and cons of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot, I could waste an hour or so on that. You wanna talk about Dune? Maybe Robert Jordan's The Wheel Of Time series? I'm your man.

But I don't know anybody who wants to talk about those things, so I keep them to myself. My family wants to talk about guns and Pawn Stars and Duck Dynasty and Tosh.0 and a thousand other things that don't matter to me. The things they enjoy are just as valid as mine, I suppose, but I don't care about them. My dad regularly wears a Duck Dynasty t-shirt. My brother loves watching UFC. They'll talk about guns and cars with the same passion that I have when I talk about the things I love.

People go to sporting events dressed in team jerseys, their faces painted up as a tribute to their favorite teams. That's nerdy behavior. It's just more socially acceptable than dressing up as The Question at a local comic convention. The sports nerd will laugh at the comic nerd, even though they're basically doing the same thing. They guy with red paint smeared all over his naked torso will call the girl wearing a hand-knitted scarf modeled after the one Tom Baker wore during his tenure as the 4th Doctor a weirdo. That's just the way things are.

Just look at The Big Bang Theory, a very popular television show that relentlessly makes fun of nerds and nerd culture. It's not a gentle, nerd-friendly show. It's not laughing with us. It's laughing at us. The fact that so many nerdy individuals are willing to defend the show is an example of something approaching battered wife syndrome. The Big Bang Theory is a bully, a show made by Alpha Betas to make fun of Lambda Lambda Lambdas.

So do nerds rule the world? Just because more people know who The Avengers are doesn't mean that the nerds have won. But it shouldn't be about winning. Your interests shouldn't have to be validated by a mass audience. Keep liking what you like and don't belittle anyone else for their own personal tastes. Stop being a dick to that lanky fella wearing the TARDIS t-shirt. Your Lakers jersey means the same goddamned thing.

On that note, it's time to separate myself from this pointless diatribe by introducing you to the 21st installment of the long-running podcast series Lies My Podcast Told Me! It's called Secret Samurai, and it's about nerds. I'm switching it up! Just push play and get it over with:

Chapter 21: Secret Samurai



You know... maybe if the upcoming (and really odd) Guardians Of The Galaxy movie is a box office smash, then I might have to re-evaluate my stance. That might mean the nerds have won, after all.

TIME MARCHES ON!

When's my Ms. Marvel movie coming, damn you?!