Dispatches From The Mausoleum

2012 is dead and buried, like all of my hopes and dreams. So what remains? A husk, a hollow shell with no purpose or reason, only the drive to consume in an effort to perpetuate its meaningless existence. The darkness is all-encompassing and everlasting. There is nothing left but to blog.

So how was your holiday season, anyway? Mine was all right. I gave some folks some gifts, and they pretended to enjoy them. I spent some time with the family. I saw a couple movies. I got hammered by myself and puked in my shower. I watched a lot of Star Trek. The original series, mind you. None of that Next Generation garbage. That's about it. Nothing terribly exciting around these parts, but that's the way I like it.

But now the holidays are fading in the rear-view mirror, and the malaise has set in. It's been a cold week here in (redacted) . Bone chilling cold. Even the ghosts are freezing. Have you ever seen a poltergeist with a runny nose? It's fucking pathetic. They keep asking for blankets, but what's the point? The blankets would do them no good, so I refuse their requests. I feel bad, but I don't owe those ghosts anything. Fucking float off to another climate and quit rattling those infernal chains in my bathroom. Step off my shit, ghosts.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm talking about this.

I've noticed an uptick in site visitors in the past month. I have no idea what's changed. I thought for a moment that perhaps people were digging the new podcast, but the numbers don't back that up. More people are actually coming to the blog, but the podcast's "popularity" has remained essentially unchanged. So that can't be it. The comments come in at about the same quantity, so these new visitors aren't leaving any feedback.

That really has nothing to do with anything, but I just wanted to bring that up. People actually read this blog. That's fucking amazing. Maybe this post will put an end to that.

New podcast time! I've decided to get back on schedule with this thing, starting today. We'll see how long I can keep it up this time. I give myself a month.

This is the illustrious twentieth installment of Lies My Podcast Told Me, and it's called The 10,000 Deaths of Hernan. This is a pretty scattershot episode, dealing with a wide variety of topics. These topics include hard water, the late Bea Arthur, comic books, feminine hygiene products, latex, septic systems, menstruation, heavy pork, lightbulbs, women of loose virtue, swimming pools, and a Mexican time traveler named Hernan. Take it:

Chapter 20: The 10,000 Deaths Of Hernan



Twenty podcasts. It's a big deal for me, making it this far. The Podcast Of Lies only made it to sixteen episodes. Seventeen, if you count the recent Halloween special, which I most certainly do. But I've beaten the odds and forced twenty installments of Lies My Podcast Told Me down the internet's collective throat, and I'm not stopping any time soon. This is not a threat. It's a promise.

I won't stop until my hideously deformed dungeon dwelling cannibal of a podcast has conquered the world. Or until I get bored with it and decide to move on to something else. Whichever comes first.

I shall return shortly to discuss the previous year's cinematic offerings.

TIME MARCHES ON!

What might have been...