It Is Cheese! Breath And Wind! ...It Is Cheese.

DATELINE: 31st October, 2010. I presented the inaugural episode of The Podcast Of Lies.

Since then, I have delivered an additional 13 episodes, garnering a grand total of 206 listens! Do people call them 'listens'? It's apt, I suppose. After all, I am referring to the number of times individuals have listened to the podcasts. So I'll stick with 'listens'. It's simpler. In total, all 14 episodes have been listened to 206 times. It is currently ranked at #72,556 overall, and #1,718 in the "comedy" category at Podomatic, a personal best.

I've received around 30 emails from listeners, the vast majority of them negative. Apparently, many of the people who have listened to the podcast found it in an unrelated Google search, and after clicking the "play" button, they invariably discovered something that just pissed them off. Whether it was the often inappropriate subject matter, the willfully unfocused nature of the conversations, or simply the grating voices blaring from their speakers, it's now become clear that these people just aren't being entertained.

That means that The Podcast Of Lies is an unqualified success!

What exactly do I mean when I say that, Dear Imaginary Reader? Allow me to explain...

To begin with, there is no structure to the conversations that I edit into our podcasts. There's no plan. It all starts with me and my cousin in a small room late at night with no cable TV, drinking various alcoholic beverages. Our entertainment options consist of 7 channels via a digital antenna, and we inevitably end up watching Univision, a network that broadcasts some of the oddest programming we have ever seen. It certainly doesn't help that neither of us actually speak Spanish, so there's no real context for any of the things we see.

These circumstances tend to draw out some unusual topics, such as late-term abortions, incest, Christian rock music, family history, fine dining, the alphabet, Total Recall, Charles Bronson, mermaids, cancer, horror movies, Charlie Sheen, beauty pageants, Showgirls, cartoon characters, religion, Werner Herzog, and childhood trauma.

Our uninspiring surroundings lead us to elaborate on these topics, taking them to extreme conclusions. There are no rules, and there is no structure. I've already explained in a prior post that I record these conversations because I have a poor memory and an obsessive desire to preserve past interactions for future reference. I'm a weird guy.

So why do I edit these often three or four hour conversations into (relatively) short podcasts? I figured it would give me something to post on my blog. Podomatic allows me to upload these things for free, so it's really their fault.

I don't really share these podcasts with you because I want to entertain you. That might not make any sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.

If you listen to them and you enjoy them, that's great. If you listen to them and you don't enjoy them, that's even better. I have received comments and emails from irate listeners who call the podcast "reprehensible", "fucking disgusting", "immoral", "hideously offensive", and "worthless".

This makes me happy, for one very simple reason: Schadenfreude. If you're not familiar with this term, it's a combination of two German words, schaden meaning "damage", and freude meaning "joy". The dictionary definition: to obtain joy from the troubles of others.

Listening to The Podcast Of Lies has brought at least several anonymous strangers a measure of discomfort, and that brightens my day. It's bizarrely exciting to know that something I've done has negatively affected these people. I like to hear from people who have somehow managed to enjoy the podcasts, but I prefer to read emails from individuals who had their afternoon ruined by listening to a flippant conversation about a late-term abortion clinic operated in a battered van parked behind a barbecue restaurant.

I'm a fucked-up dude. And that is why I call this podcast a success.

Now I have good news for you: a new podcast is here!

Even better news: it's a two-part episode!

Even better-er news: it's a clip show!

No, it's not some "greatest hits" bullshit. It's much worse than that. The two-part saga known as Charles Bronson's 'Fire It Up!' is a collection of bits and pieces deleted from the conversations that make up the previous 14 episodes. So it's all the stuff that didn't previously meet our rigorous podcasting standards. Of course, this means only one thing: this two-part podcast is totally amazing.

Discussed topics include necromancy, cloning, skidmarks, professional wrestling, prostitution, throat-dwelling frogs, Steve Wilkos, bestiality, terminal illness, the internet, Kid Rock, delicious barbecue, non-consensual fellatio, elderly abuse, Danny Trejo, jorts, country music, Janis Joplin, the Highlander franchise, swelling meat, Old Yeller dog food, drug abuse, plumbing, bloated corpses in swimming pools, Huey Lewis, nanotechnolody, thigh-pussies, burning garbage, sandwiches, The Thing, Nazi gold, baby meat wholesalers, and Yakov Smirnoff.

In the words of Billy Bob Thornton, it's "basically all the worst parts of the Bible." So obviously you have to listen to it. How could you not listen to it?!

And now it's time for the best news of all: Charles Bronson's 'Fire It Up!' represents the final installment of the long-running The Podcast Of Lies.

Yes, this bizarre experiment has finally come to an end. Not because I've learned my lesson, but because I've reached my storage limit at PodOmatic. In lieu of paying for a premium account, I've decided to throw in the towel and hang up the "Mission Accomplished" banner over my shrine to Rll'Hor, the pagan god of fire.

The nightmare is finally over, Dear Imaginary Listener. The brilliant rays of the morning sun have crested the eastern horizon, banishing the unforgiving night. You can all breathe easy once more.

Before I sign off, let me present my The Podcast Of Lies chronology, the one-stop repository for all your podcasting needs...

1. The Horror Show

2. Encounters With Charlie Sheen

3. Costilini Mandivore

4. Metropolis

5. The Sports Movie

6. Beauty Pageant Pedophile

7. Elder Manatee

8. Battle For The Planet Of The Showgirls

9. Alphabetical Madness

10. Revenge Of The Franklicons

11. Christian Rock

12. The Rock 'n' Roll Abortion Clinic

13. The Horror Show, Part 2

14. The Meat-Swelling Pasta Maker Miracle

If you ever want to re-live the magic, use the above links to enjoy our own private blend of madness. As for me, my job is done. It's time for me to move on to my next embarassing endeavor.

Until next time, boys and girls!