Why Does This Bourbon Taste So Good?!

I celebrated my 28th birthday last night. Well, I say "celebrated", but all I really did was venture out into the chilled night air to the local movie house to see a movie. That's my tradition. If something great opens around my birthday ("The Mist" & "No Country For Old Men"), that's fantastic. If something terrible opens ("Dungeons &Dragons", "Vertical Limit"), it doesn't matter. I'm still going to spend at least a few hours in a darkened auditorium, watching some damned thing.

This year, I had hoped that Darren Aronofsky's "Black Swan" would open in my neck of the woods. Alas, the film is not scheduled to open 'round these parts until Christmas, when it will make a fine double feature with the Coen Bros' "True Grit". The only big release of the last week in Wichita was "The Warrior's Way", a bizarre, uninspiring-looking "cowboys vs. ninjas" story featuring Geoffrey Rush of all people as... well, according to the unceasing onslaught of "Ninjas. Damn!" commercials that assaulted me for the past two weeks, some dude with a tumor in his everywhere.

I didn't really want to see "The Warrior's Way". This coming from a man who actually paid to see "Legion" is a little hard to swallow (kinda like those malignant tumors, eh, Geoffrey Rush? ...sorry). Instead, I opted for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest cinematic effort, the R-rated action thriller "Faster". I will ramble about this film, as well as the big "Harry Potter" half-movie soon. But not today...

To tide you over, Dear Imaginary Reader, I have given you the gift of the highly anticipated third installment of "The Podcast Of Lies"! This episode, entitled The Costilini Mandivore Podcast, features discussions on varied topics, including Costas Mandylor, "Sex Machine" himself, Mr. Tom Savini, Juggalos, Tila Tequila, and the rather sensitive subject of gimps.

And in this season of charity, we must not forget the gimps that live among us, marginalized by the hoi polloi, branded as outcasts by the politicians and the CEOs. We must open our hearts and our homes to the poor, downtrodden gimps, and show them that we are not the toe-eating, sewer-haunting monsters they believe us to be. We're all just people. Some of us happen to have extra fingernails (and nostrils), but that's a trivial, cosmetic thing.

What was I talking about? Oh right, the podcast. It lies beneath this text, for your listening pleasure. Although I am no fool, and realize that nobody will ever click the massive "play" button suspended below. And I don't blame them. You see, my cousin and I, we're so funny our infectious laughter has been known to kill people. This is a proven scientific fact.

So enjoy the podcast, you invisible sons of bitches, and wish me luck while I crack open this bottle of gin and continue "celebrating" my miserable birthday, watching re-runs of "Married... With Children" with my imaginary friend GOTUS.



By the way, you're welcome.