Fully Involved

Yeah. Here we are again, people. I've dragged myself out of my stupor long enough to present you with a brand-new episode of the podcast that nobody listens to or cares about, your humble author included. I find it hard to care about most things, these days, if I'm being honest. I feel like I've been hollowed out, like I could catch a stiff breeze and blow away, leaving nothing behind save a pair of battered old shoes and some scattered candy bar wrappers. I can feel the change of seasons in my bones, and it bums me out. The tyranny of springtime torments me! But that's nothing new.

Everybody and their dog saw the new Captain America movie over the weekend, but I didn't get the chance. It's like all of these smug bastards are sharing a secret, and they don't want me to know about it. They turn their backs and snicker as they talk about things I couldn't hope to understand, because they know something... and they hate me. They hate me because I missed the boat. The shimmering Captain America boat, with the fresh paint job and the fully-stocked bar and the tantalizing shrimp cocktails on ice, teasing me with their deliciousness. Oh look, there's Samuel L. Jackson drinking White Russians and lounging on an expensive-looking leather sofa, winking at me. He's still wearing the Nick Fury eyepatch, so it looks like he's just blinking, but I know he's winking! Winking at me, because he knows the secret, and I am reduced to rubble!

But I don't care. I didn't want to see your stupid, awesome-looking movie, anyway. I've get better things to do with my precious time. Like wondering what happens in that new Captain America movie, using the boundless powers of my imagination. To be fair, my version of Captain America: The Winter Soldier is mostly the Black Widow strutting around in a latex catsuit, trying to seduce the titular Winter Soldier, who is now also a sexy woman strutting around in a latex catsuit, only she has a metal arm and wants to scissor Captain America, who is a stacked blonde woman who spends her free time strutting around in a latex catsuit, sparring with a sassy Hawkeye who looks suspiciously like Melanie Griffith from Body Double. And nobody calls her Hawkeye, because her name is Holly Body. And she's not a skilled archer, but an adult film actress. Her particular brand of skills would be more useful for SHIELD, at any rate.

Spoiler Alert: they all have sex in the end.

Some might argue that my version of Captain America: The Winter Soldier is basically Sapphic pornography, and they'd be absolutely right. And now I fear when I eventually do get around to seeing the real movie, it will do nothing but disappoint me, because nothing could possibly live up to the masterpiece I have created in my own mind. This is what happens when I have too much time to myself, which is all the time.

I guess I should get to that new podcast, because I have grown weary of this prattle. Recorded maybe a week ago (I've been drinking a lot, and the dates are all bleeding together in my mind), this delightful installment of Just Blow Your Fucking Brains Out And Get It Over With, You Worthless Tub Of Shit features myself and Titus in a low-key conversation about the diverse Marvel Cinematic Universe, taboo comic books, racism, and AIDS. It's a lot of fun, and I think you'll enjoy it. Actually, I don't care. I'm too busy casting the sequel to my fever dream version of Captain America 2: Rebel Yell to worry about your hypothetical reaction to this damned podcast. Just listen to it:

Chapter 65: Mutants, Magic & AIDS



I have to assume there will be another update on this blog before the month of April shrivels up and dies like a stranded earthworm on a hot sidewalk on a sweltering summer afternoon. But I can't predict the future. So who the fuck knows?

TIME MARCHES ON!