The Bile Rises...

Every time I discuss a movie on this blog, I inevitably get a handful of emails from people who inexplicably read what I wrote, and they complain that I am a curmudgeon who didn't give "Movie X" a chance, and I am unable to enjoy anything because I'm a soulless piece of shit. But you've got me all wrong. I don't want to hate anything. What kind of diseased mind would pay good money to see a movie that he or she expects or wants to despise? That's madness, right there.


I want to enjoy every movie I watch, but they just keep letting me down. The fact that I actually sat down to watch I, Frankenstein is a sign of supreme optimism on my part. That means I was hoping I might be able to enjoy that damned movie, if only on some base level of mindless entertainment. So many major theatrical releases can't even manage to achieve that much, and that is a disturbing realization. I want to have a good time when I'm in that auditorium and the lights go down, it's something that means a great deal to me. I love going out to the cinema, and I have for as long as I can remember. I just don't want the movie I'm watching to insult me, and that keeps happening more and more as the years roll on.

Is that my fault? Are my standards too high?

Is "please don't piss in my face, movie" asking for too much? And what the fuck is wrong with the readers who insult me for not liking "Movie X"? What's up with that? Stop acting like I've personally wronged you because I think The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a rock-stupid sack of shit. I never sent Roger Ebert death threats because he didn't like The Hudsucker Proxy, so what's your problem? My nephew loved The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but I didn't push him into oncoming traffic, I just went on with my day. Maybe I'm not the one who needs to "fall down a flight of stairs" or "drink rat poison" because I wasn't a fan of World War Z.

This is a sick culture, and it's getting worse every day. My review of Super 8 made some random person so angry they sent me an email calling me "a scumbag that deserves to die of rectal cancer". I think that guy is the problem. Who else is the problem? Well, I just found out that Roberto Orci is going to direct the next Star Trek movie, so he's on the list, too.

What else happened today? H.R. Giger died, and that certainly sucks. Zack Snyder tweeted the first official image of Ben Affleck as the next 'Batman", and it looks okay. Miles ahead of the terrible designs from the Christopher Nolan trilogy, at any rate.

Michael Keaton's Batman wore Nikes. That's a fact.

And last but certainly not least, I've got a brand-new podcast for your listening pleasure. That's right, boils and ghouls! Episode 67 of Rock-Hard Dick Stories has arrived, and I'm pretty pleased with this little gem. Featuring myself, Titus & Laura, this slightly-extended episode is quite the ride. The Matrix trilogy is discussed, as well as ABC television's hit drama Resurrection and Cartoon Network's 'Adult Swim' line-up. Clint Eastwood's descent into gibbering insanity is mentioned, the music of Meat Loaf is lauded, and the music of Miley Cyrus is condemned.

BANGERZ.

And as Titus' blood slowly reaches a boiling point, his dreams of playing The Beatles Rock Band and eating a delicious turkey sandwich become nightmares of mockery and madness.

This high-intensity conversation was fueled by a monstrous alcoholic concoction affectionately nicknamed Robocop 2. Listen to this podcast, and be reborn:

Chapter 67: The Darkest Timeline



I'm going to go do something else now. Have fun doing whatever it is you do.

TIME MARCHES ON!