Impotent Rage: The Home Game

Is it next month already? Shit. That means it's time for more blog bullshit that nobody will ever read or care about. Hello, Dear Imaginary Reader! It's me again! I missed you. Truly, I did. You know what I didn't miss? This:

What the fuck is that shit? Who the fuck wants that shit? And what about this shit?!

Or this shit!?

Seriously. What the fuck is this?!

What the fuck is wrong with you, Internet?! Listen, I love Doctor Who. But this is just too much. This is madness. Can't Doctor Who be enough? Can't it just be enough?! Why do we have to shove it in a blender with all of these other pop culture staples? Combining Doctor Who with Calvin & Hobbes does nothing but denigrate both properties. If you support this horrifying trend, either through creating or buying these loathsome designs, then you are helping to perpetuate this disturbing, cannibalistic cycle and are therefore part of the problem. And inserting the TARDIS into a scene from Firefly is just pathetic.

I fucking hate you.

Absolutely "hang your head in shame" pathetic.

I actually liked Firefly once upon a time. I never loved it, but I liked it well enough. Then the series built up this creepy cult following populated with fanatics who called themselves "browncoats", people who proclaimed the "wrongly canceled" television series as some sort of unloved science fiction masterpiece, and they wouldn't entertain any contrary opinion. According to these people, Firefly was the best thing that ever happened, and if you dared to disagree, then you were a hated enemy and deserved to die.

There is a sickness in fandom as a whole. A terrible plague of closed-minded, hateful folks who can turn any beloved pop culture property's fan base into something twisted and obscene. Broken people who can't accept the new Ms. Marvel because she's a Muslim. Vapid fools who turned their back on Peter Capaldi's 12th Doctor before a single scene had been shot because he "looked too old" in comparison to the Tumblr darlings David Tennant and Matt Smith. Creeps who bombarded Ben Affleck with death threats after his casting as the latest Batman because they just didn't think he had the raw talent to bring the appropriate gravitas to the role of some privileged lunatic who dresses up like a bat and punches bank robbers in the face in a movie based on a disposable comic book designed to sell Sea Monkeys and bogus X-Ray Glasses to gullible children.

Drooling cretins who derided The Amazing Spider-Man 2 not because it's a terribly conceived and executed motion picture, but because the film didn't accurately translate the Harry Osborn character's repellent and impossible hairstyle into live-action. The assholes who made that "dark and gritty" Voltron fan film and that "dark and gritty" Portal fan film and that "dark and gritty" Wonder Woman fan film, because nothing can just be fun anymore.

These ghouls drive away casual fans because they have no patience for dealing with "dabblers", and they are absolutely aghast whenever an outsider shows even the slightest interest in their obsessions, because these weekend warrior dilettantes are obviously going to ruin the thing they adore by bringing any mainstream attention to it. These people are awful, and they often make me feel ashamed for enjoying the same things that they enjoy.

Stop making me hate myself for enjoying Doctor Who with your pop culture psychosis. And stop endlessly tweeting about fucking Pokémon! You're a grown man with a mortgage, for pity's sake! And don't have a passionate opinion about the upcoming Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers reboot if you're over 25! They're not making that movie for you! Shout! Factory released two decades worth of vintage Power Rangers TV in a collection shaped like the Red Ranger's goofy head for you! And it's bargain-priced at only $500! So go buy that shit now! Then go ahead and blow your fucking brains out, because you're clearly too stupid to live.

Now here's a podcast. The latest installment of Dave & Terry's Dead Baby Express is here, and it's a thing that exists. This particular drunken late-night conversation, featuring yours truly and my token black friend, is all over the place. We discuss the glory of Superhero Movie and Robocop 3, the difference between Warren Beatty and Steve Martin, the best search engine for finding big fat floppy titties, friendship, fleshlights, and the very future of the human race, It's real, and it's spectacular:

Chapter 69: Losers In The Stream



I'm done. Enjoy whatever the fuck you enjoy doing this weekend. And don't forget to brush twice daily.

TIME MARCHES ON!