Today's Feature: Christmas List
Isobel tries to complete a bucket list of traditions, but a new romance turns her life upside-down.
Here we are once again, Alicia Witt. Another year, another Christmas, another movie. Watching her previous entries in the made-for-television, holiday oriented family movie genre has not instilled a great sense of confidence within me, but she's back with a brand-new little slice of holiday delight, and I, being a glutton for punishment (in addition to just being a glutton), have deigned to countenance this wretched product with my weary eyes on this blessed occasion.
In Christmas List, Witt plays Isobel Gray, the daughter of a fastidious control freak of a single mother who was so obsessed with cleanliness that she wouldn't even let her only child sit on the good furniture in their sterile San Diego apartment. Her mother, a heinous creature named Ellen, adores order over all things, in every aspect of her life, and that attitude kinda fucks up her impressionable daughter, who grows up never knowing the joys of an authentic Christmas holiday, which is a shame, I guess, but a lot of other kids out there have it a lot worse. Sure, Isobel's mommy was a neat freak, but she still loved her daughter and provided for her the best she could.
Besides, what the hell even is an authentic Christmas holiday? She never had a real Christmas tree in her home? Big deal. They're not all they're cracked up to be. I've used a synthetic tree for nearly fifteen years, now, and it's great. They don't shed needles, they're easy to put together, low maintenance, and once you've got it you don't need to worry about tracking another one down next year. Seriously, fake trees are the best. Just hang one of those cheap pine-scented air fresheners in one of the branches if you yearn for that genuine pine tree smell. And get over yourself.
But Isobel's a big dramatic weirdo, and she writes down a special list of all the things she's going to do for Christmas when she finally grows up and gets out from under her mother's well-manicured thumb, including such exotic activities as getting her picture taken with Santa Claus, going Christmas caroling, and building a gingerbread house. I take it back, Isobel, if your mother wouldn't even take you to see Santa Claus at the local mall when you were a kid, then she deserves to roast in the depths of Hell. Honestly, you're too busy to take your kid to see Santa? Not even once? What the fuck is wrong with you?
All grown up and gainfully employed as a fashion designer at a popular firm, Isobel has done plenty of research and believes she's finally found the perfect place to make all of her childhood wishes come true, some scenic little mountain village named Fall River, a pleasant town filled with pleasant people, where nobody ever gets shot in the face for any reason whatsoever. She convinces her hoity-toity boss/boyfriend Brett to join her in her frivolity, but he gets called away on business in South America and promises to catch up to her sometime before Christmas arrives. So all alone in this strange and wonderful place, Isobel sets out to make all of her Christmas dreams come true.
Then she meets some contractor/fireman/whatever-else-the-plot-needs-him-to-be dude named Jamie (played by Gabriel Hogan, who portrayed Witt's love interest in 2014's Christmas At Cartwright's, and his on-screen chemistry with his leading lady is just as strong here), and he shows her all around his hometown, even helping her tick a few items off her Christmas bucket list while the two grow closer... and closer... and closer...
Just as it seems like these two superfreaks are going to start bumping uglies in the snow like a pair of filthy rutting animals, Brett the cockblocker rears his ugly head in town and shuts that whole situation down with a quickness. He's not exactly a scumbag, because he clearly cares about his dear Isobel, but his priorities are all wrong. He's more committed to his fashion business then his lady, and he has no patience for snow, which is sort of a deal breaker for Isobel, who can't get enough of that crazy stuff. Basically, Brett's everything Jamie isn't, and that was cool for Isobel before she met Jamie because she didn't know any better, but now that she's living in a post-Jamie society, she just doesn't mesh with her self-absorbed boy toy the way she used to, and he's really cramping her style.
Style. Was that- did I just make a fashion joke? Does that count? Because she works in fashion? I don't even know what's funny, anymore. As far as I'm concerned, comedy died with Milton Berle, and that's all there is to it.
Skipping to the end, because I'm tired and have better things to do, Isobel sends old Brett packing on a one-way trip to Go-Fuck-Yourself-Ville, decides to move in with her hot rod Jamie in his log cabin built for two, and even opens her own fashion boutique in Fall River, right next to her future mother-in-law's toy shop (Jamie's mom owns the town toy shop), all of her dreams come true and Christmas never, ever ends. It's like something out of a storybook, I tell ya.
Christmas List is good. It's got all that good crap that people like about movies of this sort, and it expertly balances its comedic set pieces with its more dramatic plot elements without a single hiccup. The movie isn't some sort of masterpiece, but it effortlessly accomplishes everything it sets out to do without ever calling attention to the well-worn cinematic blueprint hidden just under its shiny surface. Yes, we've seen all this before, but how many original stories are even out there, anymore? Maybe Under The Skin, but that's it. Everything's derivative, man. It's not about the story you tell, but about how you tell the story, and Christmas List tells its story very well.
Of course, it doesn't hurt when your romantic leads are as good as Alicia Witt and Gabriel Hogan. They just know how to tackle this kind of material without ever acting as though they're above any of it. These actors doesn't condescend to their audience, and they seem to genuinely enjoy their profession. Witt in particular, from all accounts, just has a good time making these movies and that's why she keeps coming back to Hallmark Channel year after year. You can see this in her performances, which are filled with a sort of infectious joy for the Christmas season, and even in the not-so-hot movies she's done, she's never been the problem. These programs are only as good as their lead actors, and you can't really go wrong with a pair like this.
So Christmas List isn't an atrocity. It's a Christmas miracle!
VERDICT: NICE
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