A Comfortable Chair Makes All The Difference

I suppose I should talk about Jerry Bruckheimer's latest opus, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice", since I saw it last weekend. But I don't really want to. I also saw "Inception", I would much rather talk about that, but I really can't until I get this movie out of the way.

I've been struggling with finding something to talk about regarding "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" for several days. Also, my computer decided it wanted to attempt suicide, and I've spent the last two days gradually recovering my data. I'm almost back on my feet, except for my iTunes library. That's pretty much fucked, and it breaks my heart.

It will take me a long time to get over that. But here I am, early in the morning, forcing myself to try to write out some kind of semi-coherent "review" of this mediocre Disney movie. Why, you aren't asking? Because I care about you, Dear Imaginary Reader. I work through the pain because I care.

Of course, the booze helps.

First, I wish to discuss the circumstances of my screening of "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". Let me start by saying that Bill Warren has the city of Wichita on lockdown, cinema-wise. If you don't know who Bill Warren is, (And if you don't live in the state of Kansas then why would you?), he's a very wealthy man who has single-handedly elevated the movie-going experience in the city of Wichita. He also mounted an ill-fated campaign for the mayor's office several years ago, but that's best left forgotten.

The man has been a part of our local cinema business for decades. My mother used to work for the man when she was a teenager at a small movie house. He still recognizes her when they cross paths from time to time, which I find rather surprising. Apparently he's got a photographic memory. Or maybe they had an affair. I never broached the subject with my mother, but my deranged mind can't help but drift to that lurid possibility. Anyway, that's beside the point.

Over the years, Mr. Warren has managed and/or owned nearly every theatre in my city. And in the early 1990's, he figured it was time to build his own cinema. And so the Warren Theatre in west Wichita was born. I remember the first movie I saw there: Sgt. Bilko. Yes, the awful Steve Martin-starring big screen adaptation of "The Phil Silvers Show" from the 1950's.

I have vague memories of enjoying reruns of the old show on TV when I was a wee lad. Although I always wondered why the TV show wasn't called "Sgt. Bilko". I mean, it wasn't a variety show, or anything. It was only about the wacky misadventures of that charming douchebag Sgt. Bilko. That still bothers me. And I didn't realize until later that the program was set in a Kansas Army base. Of course, in the movie, Ft. Baxter isn't in Kansas, but in California. I don't blame them, I guess.

But between "Sgt. Bilko", and Steve Martin's 1992 film "Leap Of Faith", which was set in Kansas but filmed in Texas, I have this bizarre feeling that the man just doesn't like my state. And these movies were made before Kansas became a national laughingstock with the State Board of Education's decision to "de-emphasize" the theory of evolution in our schools. I know my state has its problems, but if people ever bothered to visit our lovely state, they would see that we're not all inbred, uneducated yokels who bathe infrequently and hate folks from "the left coast".

And don't get me started on John Hughes' brave portrayal of the city of Wichita as a sleazy, crime-ridden cesspool filled with garish taxi cabs and hillbilly pig farmers in "Planes, Trains & Automobiles". I love that film to death, but I never understood why the city I call home was portrayed in such a sad, cynical light. But enough about my hatred for Steve Martin and his anti-Kansas bias.

I saw "Sgt. Bilko" at the Warren Theatre, but that's not the important part. I remember entering the expansive lobby for the first time and being wowed by what I saw. A huge domed ceiling, a detailed, hand-painted mural surrounding the entire space, all of the little touches that gave the establishment such a high class feeling. It was a beautiful sight. And after my mother and I took our seats in the brand-new, luxurious theatre, we were treated to a vintage "Merry Melodies" cartoon before the feature presentation. I appreciate things like that.

Bill Warren wanted to bring back that special feeling that people used to have when they went to the movies. It wasn't just a way to waste a few hours, it was an event. You anticipated it. It's something that's lost on entirely too many people in this age of the dreary multiplex.

At the Warren Thatre, the quality of the presentation was paramount. The auditoriums were always kept in fine condition. The projectionists didn't crank down the brightness of the lightbulbs to save money. The sound system was state-of-the-art, THX certified surround sound. It was a revelation to the citizens of Wichita, who had to make due with numerous run-down cinemas until that point.

In 2002, Mr. Warren's east side Warren Theatre opened, and the first film I saw there was "Spider-Man". The same luxurious aesthetic was applied, and even improved upon with the addition of an exclusive balcony and adjoining bar in the main auditorium for patrons 21 and older. I love seeing movies in that balcony. I've been dragged to some pretty terrible movies, and viewing these nightmares in that comfortable balcony space has made them almost tolerable.

This December, our city's first genuine IMAX theatre will open as part of an expansion of the West Warren Theatre. The first movie scheduled to play there? "Tron Legacy" on December 17th. In my mind, I'm already there...

Finally, I reach the point of this lengthy diatribe. Several years ago, Mr. Warren opened a cinema in downtown Wichita called the Old Town Warren Theatre. One of the big features at this establishment is something called "The Director's Suite", an intimate auditorium which comfortably seats perhaps 30 people. Each seat is a large leather recliner, so if you hate the movie you're seeing, you can kick back and take a nap. The best part of the set-up is that every seat is a middle seat. There simply isn't enough room in the auditorium for anyone to have a bad seat.

A nice waitress comes by before the movie starts and takes your order, and you can eat and drink whatever the hell you want. It's shamefully decadent for a simple country bumpkin like myself. If you want, you can rent the damned auditorium and screen whatever the fuck you feel like exposing your fragile-minded friends and loved ones to.

It's only accessible via an elevator with an oddly soothing cowboy mural adorning its ceiling. I'm trying to say that I like "The Director's Suite". And after seeing "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" in this delightfully claustrophobic auditorium early Sunday morning, I found myself thinking more about the quality of the experience as opposed to the actual film that I saw.

One day Nicolas Cage watched "Fantasia" for the thousandth time and got the brilliant idea to make a full-length motion picture based on the memorable short "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". He called up Jerry Bruckheimer and pitched the idea, and Jerry called up some unimaginative screenwriters and the boring director of the "National Treasure" movies and the rest is history.

Nicolas Cage plays Balthazar, one of three apprentices to the legendary wizard Merlin, along with Horvath (played by Alfred Molina), and Veronica (played by Monica Bellucci). When Monica Bellucci popped up during the film's prologue, I was stunned. I had no idea she was in this movie. She's one of the sexiest women on the planet, and nobody told me that she was in this fucking movie.

I remember importing an uncut DVD of Giuseppe Tornatore's "Malena" years ago, and marveling at the tasteful nude image of Mrs. Bellucci on the front cover. No American release could get away with that. Not only does she get naked with alarming frequency in that movie, but it's also a very effective coming-of-age story dealing with a young boy in Sicily during World War 2 who develops a crush on Monica Bellucci. Can you blame him? No, you can't.

I really love that movie. I'm a huge Giuseppe Tornatore fan. The man doesn't direct often, but when he does manage to make a movie, I'm excited. Between "Malena", "Cinema Paradiso" and "The Legend Of 1900", it's like Mr. Tornatore is making movies exclusively for me. These films deal with serious themes, but maintain an almost childlike sense of wonder.

"The Legend Of 1900" is simply one of my favorite movies. I think it's a beautiful story, and my eyes get a little misty every time the credits roll. Of course, I know nobody else who has actually seen this movie, and on the one occassion I chose to show the film to my friend Titus, he fell asleep ten minutes into it. That's encouraging. The scene where 1900 accepts a piano duel with famous jazz musician Jelly Roll Morton is one of the most surprisingly intense and just plain cool things I have ever seen in a film.

I don't want to spoil it for you, Dear Imaginary Reader. I encourage you to see this film for yourself. Netflix it, you lazy bastards! You'll thank me later. Or maybe you'll tell me to go fuck myself. Who knows? Apparently nobody knows that "The Legend Of 1900" exists, and that makes me sad.

Where was I? Ah, Monica Bellucci. No, no, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". That's right.

So Merlin has three apprentices, and Horvath betrays Merlin and allies himself with the evil witch Morgana. Morgana kills poor Merlin, and Veronica somehow absorbs Morgana's soul into her body to save her love Balthazar's life. Balthazar imprisons the possessed Veronica into something called "the Grimhold", which is really just a Russian nesting doll.

Before he dies, Merlin gives Balthazar a gaudy dragon ring that he says will choose "The Prime Merlinian", the person who will have the power to slay Morgana. Yes, "The Prime Merlinian". How fucking stupid does that sound? For the first half of the movie I thought everyone was talking about the Prime Meridian. I was confused, wondering why Nicolas Cage spent over 1,000 years searching for the International Dateline. It's not that hard to find, really.

Balthazar must be a truly shitty wizard if he can't find the Prime Meridian after 1,000 years. And how the hell could the Prime Meridian kill Morgana? Does crossing into the Eastern Hemisphere destroy her corrupt soul? If so, then why didn't Balthazar just take a boat to France? He could take his cute little nesting doll with him and solve his problem with precious little work.

But no, it's not the Prime Meridian. It's "The Prime Merlinian". I cringe just typing those words. You see, sorcery is split on two different lines: good sorcerers are "Merlinians", and evil sorcerers are "Morganians". Fucking "Morganians". Wow. That's stupid.

Over the centuries, many evil sorcerers have attacked Balthazar in attempts to free Morgana from the Grimhold, so that she can use her powers to summon a bunch of dead evil wizards to rule the world with a spell called "The Rising". I was immediately reminded of the great Bruce Springsteen album of the same name. Maybe Morgana's plan is to hold a boombox blasting the album's title track over head in a graveyard. That would be different.

Balthazar has defeated all of these sorcerers, and has trapped them all in consecutive layers of the Grimhold. The final layer holds Horvath himself, who was defeated by Balthazar in a titanic struggle that we never get to see. Boo!

In the year 2000, a young boy named Dave is on a field trip and wanders off, eventually finding a shitty-looking antique store called the Arcania Cabana, or something equally dumb. Balthazar fucks with the kid a little, before presenting him with the amazing dragon ring, which comes to life and wraps itself around Dave's little finger. Balthazar is relieved that he has finally found the Prime Merlinian (seriously, fuck that title) and runs off to find his autograph book.

Dave, being a clumsy and uncoordinated child, accidentally releases Horvath from his nesting doll prison, and Balthazar tangles with his nemesis. They both end up trapped in a big vase with a very convenient magical 10 year lock, and Dave throws the nesting doll in a gutter before returning to his friends. They all point and laugh, because his pants are wet.

Dave tries to explain that he was splashed with water by dueling wizards, but they all think he pissed himself because he takes the short bus to school every day. The girl of his dreams just looks disgusted, and turns away. Dave proceeds to spend the next ten years in therapy.

Ten years pass, the sorcerers escape from their decorative prison, and Balthazar tracks down poor Dave, who is now a college student with an annoying comic relief roommate who just wants his friend to get laid. With very little coaxing, Dave begins training in the ways of the Prime Merlinian under Balthazar's guidance, while trying to get the girl of his dreams to come down to his secret underground lair for a little Tesla Coil seduction.

And yes, we are treated to several awful montages of Dave learning to harness his magical powers. Marvel at the sight of Dave losing control of a wayward plasma ball, which punches him repeatedly in the face before beaning him in the groin! Whimsy!

Horvath finds the Grimhold and becomes the Great Emancipator of Morganians, releasing his imprisoned brethren to kill his old enemy Balthazr before he can complete Dave's training.

Now for a short time, I was worried that this story wouldn't end within the confines of the film. I had a sick feeling that the movie would end without releasing Morgana from the nesting doll, to give the filmmakers an excuse to force a franchise out of this. Luckily, they didn't go this route, and decided to wrap up the Morgana story before the credits rolled. That didn't make the movie any better, though.

So Horvath releases the evil sorcerers, and Balthazar and his apprentice Dave stop them. After the evil sorcerers are defeated, Horvath steals their jewelry. Not just because he's a bling whore, but because sorcerers require gaudy jewelry to harness their magical powers. Horvath takes their lame baubles and grafts them onto his staff to gain UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!!

I know that the idea of wizards using objects to focus their power is nothing new, but I don't understand how stealing the items that other wizards use to focus their power is going to make you any stronger. But that's a minor nitpick, I suppose.

Eventually, Dave talks his dream girl into coming down to his dungeon, after getting crusty old Balthazar to leave, because he's cramping the young lad's style. In a tizzy, Dave realizes that his sex bunker is just filthy, and needs to clean it up lickety split. Indeed, we are treated to a tired, lifeless recreation of the famous Mickey Mouse-starring sequence from "Fantasia". It had to be in there, somewhere, as an obligation. But it's not amusing in the least. The sequence just made me realize how comfortable my chair was.

The evil Horvath kidnaps Becky and forces Dave to relinquish his magical ring, which will apparently give Horvath the power to set Morgana free. Balthazar goes after his nemesis, and Becky & Dave drive after him. Horvath unleashes Morgana/Veronica from the nesting doll, she begins "The Rising", and Dave notices that Morgana's spell is bouncing off satellite dishes around the city, creating a pentagram that will consolidate her power.

He drops Becky off and tells her to climb a radio tower to move one of the dishes, which will disrupt the spell. Of course, Becky is afraid of heights, but she manages to do her job, anyway, conquering her fear. Holy shit. First off, the whole idea of the evil spell using satellite dishes as reflectors just screamed "stupid", to me. It's not like Horvath and his minions strategically placed these dishes around the city. The damned things were already there.

How lucky that "The Rising" spell just happened to seek out the perfect configuration of previously installed satellite dishes placed around the city that would bounce beams of energy back to their source in the form of a flaming pentagram. How the hell was Morgana supposed to pull this stunt off back in Ye Olden Days? With a pack of wizards clutching polished mirrors all around Camelot? And why the hell does the spell have to form a massive flaming pentagram? It seems rather inconvenient, to me. But I suppose magic always is.

There's a showdown at some damned park. I don't know the parks in New York City, so I'll just call this one "Not Central Park". Dave shows up and helps his stringy-haired pal. Horvath gets konked on the head with something and just disappears from the rest of the movie. Seriously. I guess we have to set up a sequel somehow.

Balthazar absorbs Morgana's soul, saving Veronica. This gives Nicolas Cage the opportunity to grin like a lunatic and stare at Dave Baruchel like a side of ribs for thirty seconds, until Morgana's soul escapes, becoming a semi-corporeal entity that shoots lasers at Veronica. Balthazar leaps to his lady love's rescue, sacrificing himself for Monica Bellucci. I ask again: Can you blame him?

Dave manages to find his magical testicles, blasting Morgana's spirit to the sweet hereafter, because he's the Prime Merlinian. And only the Prime Merlinian can do that shit without a ring. He then resurrects Balthazar with his defibrillator hands, and the movie ends with Dave flying to Paris with his new girlfriend Becky on the back of a big iron eagle. And I couldn't be bothered to give a shit.

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is just mediocre. There are hints of creativity sprinkled throughout like bread crumbs for a seasoned viewer to follow, leading one to think that perhaps something cool is always just around the corner. But the movie lies. It lies like dinner.

For instance, it is established that Balthazar is ageless. Not because he's a sorcerer, but because it is his task to find the Prime Merlinian. He won't grow old until Morgana is destroyed. There is one moment in the film, after one of Dave's training sessions goes badly, that Balthazar snaps at the young man when he wants to quit the magic game. This implies that Balthazar is not training Dave for entirely selfless reasons.

Now a good script and a good director could mine this moment for a little dramatic depth. Maybe Balthazar has grown cynical and embittered by the passage of time, searching for this "chosen one" and coming up short time and time again. He wants to save his beloved. He wants to die. But he can't until his job is complete. And this whiny little nerd wants to give up, to cheat Balthazar out of his release. Some elaboration on this point could have added a new dimension to this flaccid movie.

Perhaps Horvath knows the secret of Balthazar's heart, and tries to sway his one-time comrade, hinting that Morgana could give Balthazar what he wants if they worked together. Giving the character of Balthazar a darker side, presenting the possibility that the weary sorcerer may opt to take the easy way out after centuries of forced virtue.

But no, that little moment is completely forgotten literally in the same scene. It's infuriating when I can see the possibility of a greater film somewhere within, knowing that I'm stuck with forgettable trash.

Really, aside from actors Nicolas Cage and Alfred Molina, with a special mention to Monica Bellucci just for showing up, there's not much to like about this movie. The plot is safe and bland, there's nothing memorable in the cinematography or sound design, and most of the other actors are tolerable at best and grating at worst. Jay Baruchel is just showing up and finding his mark, perfecting the role of "actor who doesn't give a shit". I like Jay Baruchel, and I couldn't believe how little he connected with the material. Or maybe I can, considering his director.

Jon Turtletaub is on autopilot as a director. But that's nothing new. I've never seen anything approaching "great" in his filmography. The "National Treasure" movies are middle-of-the-road, safe adventure films with no visual flair. The guy directed "3 Ninjas"! "3 Ninjas"! And his style hasn't evolved in 18 years! Christ, Jon Turtletaub is terrible. He's a competent director who can be trusted to shoot the script he's given on time and on budget. That's it. Fucking boring!

Nicolas Cage and Alfred Molina acquit themselves well enough. Cage doesn't embrace the material enough to go balls out, though. He should have tried to create a persona on par with Johnny Depp's now-iconic Captain Jack Sparrow from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. Now I doubt he could have hit that mark, but he could have taken the concept of an ageless wizard who has been searching for a prophesized "chosen one" and really run with it. Maybe the endless years have made him crazy, right?

I was hoping he'd bring his "A" game and immerse himself in the role the way he did with his other recent performances in "Bad Liuetenant: Port of Call New Orleans" and "Kick-Ass". Instead, he shows only brief glimpses of playful madness and essentially plays Balthazar as a wise eccentric. It's not a bad performance. It's actually decent. But I wanted more.

Alfred Molina, in his second supporting role in an under-performing Jerry Bruckheimer production this year, is a decent, scenery chewing villain. He was clearly having a bit of fun playing a suave, sharp dressed bad guy. He and Nicolas Cage have a decent rapport in their limited shared screentime.

A short fight in a public bathroom made me laugh. Balthazar uses his magic powers to turn a large mirror into a portal to a mirror dimension in order to trap Horvath on the other side. Horvath sighs, commenting on how he hasn't seen "the old Hungarian Mirror Trick" in a long time. It was a small thing, but I liked it.

The special effects are generally good and occassionally inventive. Um... that's about it, I suppose. I can't think of anything else I really enjoyed concerning "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". In the end, it's just not a good movie. Perhaps if Disney had allowed the film to take a slightly harder edge, once again along the lines of the "Pirates" movies, then something decent could have emerged from all of this. Alas, that was not to be, and we're left with something that is best left forgotten.

Now I feel sad.

Ahhh... that's better.