What is important? Movies.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Movies are important. And movies are why I get literally dozens of visitors to this blog each month. For some inexplicable reason, there are a few brave and/or deranged souls out there who actually scroll through my long, rambling, tangent-filled "reviews" of recent releases.
Granted, most of those people stumble upon my dark little corner of Internet during one of their frequent Google searches for porn, and find this... place... instead. Some of them even come back. I feel sorry for those people, but it is nonetheless true. I receive the occassional email from one of my "readers", and I appreciate the feedback.
But I recently slipped into a rare introspective moment. I blame it on the medication. I wondered why I started this ill-conceived blog, in the first place. I certainly didn't start out with the intention of writing long-winded posts about the many movies I see. So why? I was haunted when I inevitably concluded that I had no purpose for starting this blog.
In my earliest posts, I mentioned joining Facebook and starting my Youtube channel. But that's not why I started this damned thing. That came later. Joining Facebook was just a means to stay in contact with a few of my friends who live elsewhere. And I started my Youtube channel essentially just to show those few friends the recent "entertainments" I have been working on.
So why did I start this blog? Apparently, there is no answer to that question. I find that disconcerting.
Moving right along...
AIRBENDING IS FOR PUSSIES
M. Night Shyamalan. What the fuck? I never saw the man's first two films, "Praying With Anger" and "Wide Awake". Why? Because I just don't give a shit. Rosie O'Donnell is in "Wide Awake", for fuck's sake. How good could it possibly be?
So, like most people, Mister Night's career effectively began with "The Sixth Sense". I caught it on DVD, but miraculously remained unspoiled as to the film's big twist. And my cynical mind reflexively screamed "Die Hard's gonna be a fucking ghost!" the moment Donnie Wahlberg shot the man during the film's prologue. In the end, the film held no surprises for me. But it's still a very effective, well-made movie.
There's a confident and steady hand telling this story, and the actors are all at the top of their game. The film is at times exceedingly dour, and it drags. But it's the kind of movie that sticks with you for a while, and its plot demands at least a few repeat viewings.
Then he made "Unbreakable". As a huge comic book nerd, I was ready for this movie. Being a self-serious teenager, a movie that takes comic books and superheroes seriously was something I really wanted to see. And walking out of the cinema, I absolutely loved this movie. Sure, the conclusion sucked, but everything else was great.
Watching it again a few years later, my reaction was a little different. Overall, I still enjoyed the movie, but I saw its flaws. The incredibly serious, stoic nature of all the characters coupled with the film's almost oppressively bleak atmosphere really stood out for me. Why can't these fucking people have any fun? Is it against the law?
I still enjoy "Unbreakable". It's still my favorite M. Night Shyamalan movie. But it's lost a lot in repeat viewings. In 2000, I was dying to see a sequel. Now, I have absolutely no interest.
A lot of people love "Signs". A lot of people hate "Signs". We know all of the standard complaints. Water? God? Culkin? If you want to, you can tear this film apart. The basic plot can be broken down thusly: God orchestrates an extraterrestrial invasion, killing thousands, perhaps millions of people, all to restore the faith of a wayward minister. Maybe that doesn't sound fair to some folks, but that synopsis is just as valid as any other.
One thing about "Signs" that has always bugged me: no weapons. Until Merril picks up his bat and bashes an alien to death during the climax, nobody uses any fucking weapons in the movie. Sure, Mel Gibson cuts off a couple digits belonging to an alien trapped in a pantry, but he initially chooses the large knife as a mirror substitute. It barely counts.
When the shit hits the fan and Mel takes his family into the cellar, they use an axe to bar the door. Later on, when they all venture upstairs in the morning, they leave the fucking axe in the cellar! There is literally no good reason for them to leave the axe downstairs. It's insulting.
Mel Gibson lives on a farm. Shouldn't he at least have a shotgun on the premises?
And the ending, with Gibson returning to his godly duties, seems too heavy-handed. He doesn't need to become a minister again to illustrate his renewed faith in God. Earlier in the movie, during a scene that takes place in Gibson's bedroom, we see a spot on the wall where a crucifix has been removed. A more subtle ending would show Gibson leaving his room, fully dressed (but not in his minister costume), with the camera lingering behind, fading to black as the audience notices the crucifix has been restored to its place on the wall.
Maybe I'm wrong.
"Signs" has some serious fucking problems. But the first hour is a very effective thriller, and even when the plot shits the bed, Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix manage to sell it surprisingly well. I'm not a big fan of the film, but the acting keeps me watching if I catch it on cable.
I liked "The Village". There. I said it. I'm a fan of "The Village". I wish Mister Night had kept his original ending, with the park rangers looking at each other after seeing a blind Rennaisance Faire devotee wander out of the woods, muttering "Stupid fucking white people", but we can't always get what we want.
"Lady In The Water"? It's so fucking weird, I can't help but morbidly enjoy it. It's so intentionally bizarre, I can't take my eyes off the screen. Why does Freddy Rodriguez play a man who only works out one side of his body? What the fuck was that?
Mister Night bravely says "fuck the haters" by casting Bob Balaban as a dickish film critic who gets torn apart by a wicker dog. And he casts himself as Literary Jesus. I can't bring myself to hate such an odd, ego-driven movie. I just can't. Is it a "good movie"? Hell no. I refuse to defend it. But like a bloody car pile-up, I can't look away.
"The Happening" is a comic masterpiece. Every single time I see Marky Mark apologize to a plastic houseplant, I laugh until I cry. That is all.
That brings me to "The Last Airbender". I don't know a damned thing about the Nickelodeon cartoon upon which this film is based, but I refuse to believe that the cartoon is this bad. I didn't think I could see a worse movie than "Alice In Wonderland" this year. "Killers" proved me wrong. And now "The Last Airbender" has upped the ante.
I knew I was in trouble when the subtitle "Book One - Water" popped up. The fucking movie told me right away that I wasn't getting a complete story. Then what unfolded between this and the end credits made me want to vomit blood.
Some white eskimos find a little tattooed bald kid frozen in ice. Unlike most folks covered in tattoos, this kid is not badass. He's supposed to be the superawesome "Avatar", a unique entity with the ability to control all four elements, that comes along once every century. But he ran away from his responsibilites and got Encino Man'd. He thaws out and takes his Aryan eskimo friends on a boring adventure, learning how to bend water and master his Tai Chi poses along the way.
He rides a big white six-legged bison named "Abba", I guess. Maybe the creature's name isn't "Abba", but that little bald bastard said "Abba", so that's what I'm going with. It's not important, anyway. The big floating creature is completely inconsequential. We see it maybe four times in the movie. It doesn't do anything.
There's a moment during the big final battle where we see Abba surrounded by Fire Nation soldiers, roaring like mad. I thought maybe we'd see Abba fuck some people up, but the film cuts away from this moment, and we never see the damned animal again. Maybe it died, and Mister Night wanted to spare the kiddies Abba's horrific fate.
Baldie is being pursued by the Slumdog Millionaire, because his daddy doesn't love him. Slumdog's a firebender prince, and he wants to kill Baldie before he can learn to harness the four elements.
Baldie and his pals find another tribe of Aryan eskimos, and they all exchange white power pamphlets. Baldie's gecko-eyed eskimo buddy falls in love with a monkey-faced albino princess who rambles on and on about sacred trees, and fish, and whatnot. Slumdog's Fire Nation navy shows up and a big, boring fight ensues.
Dr. Kenchy from TV's "Jericho" and Slumdog's uncle sneak into a cave to kill a moon god, which turns out to be a big koi fish that swallowed a firefly. Uncle Slumdog tells Kenchy not to kill the moon god, but Kenchy stuffs it into a burlap sack and stabs it with a knife. Uncle Slumdog gets mad and conjures fire from nowhere, something that apparently is very rare. Kenchy runs away, and I wonder why Uncle Slumdog didn't do this neat little trick 30 seconds earlier to save moon god fish's life.
Killing the magic fish makes the moon turn red, and that makes the Aryan Eskimo Waterbenders unable to harness water, for some reason. Then the white albino monkey princess, who we've spent all of five minutes with, sacrifices her life to restore the magic fish. Gecko boy is sad. I have no idea why.
Baldie ends the big battle by ripping off the NTEs in "The Abyss", conjuring a wall of water hundreds of feet high, threatening to wipe out the entire Fire Nation navy. Common sense wins the day, and the Fire Nation guys get the fuck out of there while they still can. Then the movie ends. And a small piece of my soul died.
I don't know if anything I just wrote makes any sense. Eh.
"The Last Airbender" is bullshit. The story is rushed and yet boring, feeling overly long. Apparently the movie's only 103 minutes long, but I felt like I was sitting in the theatre for three hours. That's quite the feat.
The fight sequences are poorly shot, and there's never any sense of real danger. Half of the movie involves people practicing Tai Chi, as overly dramatic music swells. The music does nothing to make watching little kids practice Tai Chi exciting. The music just makes it more annoying.
Nobody can act in this movie. Every child actor is atrocious. The guy from "Slumdog Millionaire" apparently forgot he was ever in that Academy Award-winning movie, and decided to portray his character as a brain-damaged pyromaniac. And they all have to deliver some of the most unnatural and off-putting dialogue I have heard in a movie.
The only actor who actually added anything to his role was Shaun Toob, who played "Uncle Iroh". Every time Uncle Iroh was off-screen, the movie suffered. Although the first time he appeared in the movie, I immediately recognized him as one of the Triad villains in "Charmed". Yeah, I watched "Charmed".
The digital effects are okay.
One thing that stuck out was the film's ending. After Baldie saves the day with the mega tsunami, we cut to the Fire Nation King, talking to his crazy daughter. He tells her that in three years, some bullshit planetary alignment or somesuch will occur, and the Fire Nation will somehow become more powerful during this occurrence. At that time, they will have the power to defeat Baldie once and for all.
So he basically tells his daughter to venture forth and keep Baldie and his pals busy until the magnificent day when Ultimate Power will be bestowed upon the Fire Nation. Then the camera zooms into his daughter's crazy face, which is nothing but an evil smirk slapped onto a collection of nervous tics.
I thought I was going crazy when I saw this girl's face. What the fuck was the decision, there? Did Mister Night just show the actress footage of people afflicted with Parkinson's Disease and tell her to "go method"? Was I supposed to see this shuddering, smirking ghoul and take her seriously? I just broke out laughing. I couldn't control myself.
At that moment, I was certain that the last fragile thread of my sanity was violently snapping. Surely, I was hallucinating. My brother later confirmed that no, I had really seen what I had seen. Mind-boggling.
I later looked her up on IMDB. It turns out that the actress who played "Princess Yue" had played "Young Sand Serif" in "Frank Miller's Will Eisner's The Spirit". That makes sense. In a film filled with bad performances, her performance was the worst. I'm just glad to see that she's keeping this tradition with her very limited screen time in "The Last Airbender".
I had heard that the converted 3D version of "The Last Airbender" was horrid. I was talking about this with my cousin Ky a few days before I saw the movie. I told him that I wouldn't bother seeing it in 3D. Of course, my brother bought tickets to a 3D screening. And it was just as bad as I had feared. The fucking movie wasn't in 3D! A complete fucking waste.
I don't know what happened to M. Night Shyamalan. This static nightmare of a film felt like the work of a mildly retarded first-time director. Like he spent most of his time on-set smearing his feces on the boom mic operator instead of actually paying attention to his cast and crew. I don't know where the man could possibly go from here. It's kind of sad, really. From "The Sixth Sense" to this. How far we've fallen.
In short: Fuck "The Last Airbender".
I'll be back eventually to talk about "Predators". Right now, I need a stiff fucking drink.
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