Who wants to talk about "Predators"? I do. What the heck? I've got some time to kill before I subject myself to "For Your Eyes Only", and I feel like typing.I haven't seen any of the old Bond films since I was a kid, and my recollections of the series were incredibly vague. But after Christmas, I bought the four DVD collections of the entire Bond franchise on sale, and decided it was time to revisit the magic.
I started in March with the original Sean Connery cycle ending with "Diamonds Are Forever", and I absolutely loved them. Connery is James Bond. He just exudes "cool" in these movies. I was honestly surprised by just how good the films were. I was certainly never bored, and there were only a few groan-inducing moments sprinkled throughout each film. The terrible puns that I feared were kept to a minimum. Exciting, fun stories with colorful, memorable villains and a suave, deadly, cool-as-ice mother fucker in the center of it all.
I admit, out of the original seven films, my favorite is "On Her Majesty's Secret Service". I remembered not liking the film when I was younger, because Sean Connery was suddenly replaced by some Australian dude I had never heard of, and I never gave the movie a fair chance. When I watched it earlier this year, all of my old problems with the movie faded away.
Sure, it would have been nice to have Connery back for the movie, but George Lazenby did a fine job considering the fact that the deck was stacked against the poor bastard. Diana Rigg, who will always hold a special place in my heart for wearing that leather catsuit in "The Avengers", was the perfect embodiment of the woman destined to make James Bond a kept man. Telly Savalas is still my favorite Blofeld. He's so good at playing creepy.
And the film's conclusion almost made me cry. It's just so out-of-left-field and brutal. Blofeld, the powerful leader of SPECTRE and all-around supervillain, desperately tries to kill Bond in a fucking drive-by shooting!
After Bond realizes that his bride is dead, he doesn't break down. He doesn't scream to the heavens. He doesn't vow a red-eyed revenge on his arch-nemesis. He cradles his wife's corpse and mutters "we have all the time in the world..." as the movie ends. It's heartbreaking stuff, and it makes Blofeld's inevitable comeuppance in "Diamonds Are Forever" that much more satisfying. Very well done.
After I watched "Diamonds Are Forever", I decided to wait for a little while before I decided to dive into Roger Moore's "Bond" movies. I wasn't really looking forward to it, honestly. I never warmed to Moore's portrayal of James Bond, even as a child. He just never felt right, to me. Last week, I finally decided to embrace the horror and start my second James Bond-athon with "Live And Let Die".
I did not like "Live And Let Die". I was completely uninvested in any of the characters or situations. The introduction of an utterly annoying, racist caricature of a small town Louisiana sheriff almost made me stop the movie. There was absolutely no reason for this character to exist in the film. As comic relief, he fails miserably. Who thought this shit was a good idea?
Yaphet Kotto, an actor I generally like, does nothing for me as the villain of the piece, a "dual role" as an apparently albino drug kingpin called "Mr. Big", and a suspicious Caribbean heroin supplier named "Kananga". Jane Seymour looks beautiful, but is completely wooden as a magical, tarot-reading psychic in Kahanga's employ. And Roger Moore was just there, trying to summon a tenth of Sean Connery's charisma and talent and coming across as some kind of lame impersonation.
I don't even want to talk about James Bond's horrifying ineptitude in the film, or the fact that seemingly every single black person in the story wants to kill him. Just a wretched experience.
With some trepidation, I watched "The Man With The Golden Gun" the next day, hoping Christopher Lee's turn as the three-nippled assassin Scaramanga would turn things around. In the end, Lee was just all right as the bad guy, the story itself was mostly forgettable, and Moore continued the broad, pun-filled boring performance he started in "Live And Let Die".
And fuck the filmmakers for bringing back that offensive, grating Sheriff, who spends most of his role wandering around Thailand, calling the Thai people "pointy heads". I didn't end up hating this one, though. Which is a step in the right direction, I suppose.
"The Spy Who Loved Me" started to turn me around. It's actually fun, and has a few memorable characters. The villain, Stromberg is interesting, and he has a cool ocean fortress. This film introduces Jaws, who is just an unstoppable, superhuman force of nature. I love the scene where he basically tears apart the van that James Bond and Agent XXX (really?) are trying to escape in.
And Roger Moore didn't annoy me, this time. Although the actress who played Soviet superspy Agent XXX was very uneven, and never even bothered to attempt a Russian accent. That was a headscratcher. I actually liked "The Spy Who Loved Me". That was a surprise.
Last night, I watched "Moonraker". It's got some problems, and the last twenty minutes turn into a very special episode of "Battlestar Galactica", but it was still entertaining. Hugo Drax is a decent villain, and his plan to wipe out the human race and eventually repopulate the world with his own "super race" of space-born white people was neat, although a little too close to the previous villain's plan to have the US and USSR destroy the world in a nuclear apocalypse while he creates his own undersea civilization.
Jaws came back, fell in love with a cute blonde girl with huge tits, and decided to become a good guy. Roger Moore was decent. But I feel sorry for poor Corine Dufor. Bond fucked her, used her to gain access to Drax's safe, then took off. She ended up being brutally murdered by Drax's trained Dobermans. That was just fucked up.
It wasn't as good as "The Spy Who Loved Me", but "Moonraker" was still pretty good. I'm going to watch "For Your Eyes Only" later, and I just hope it doesn't suck.
I'm supposed to be talking about "Predators", aren't I?
Well, before I get to the latest entry in the troubled franchise, let me take a moment to talk about what came before.
"Predator"
An absolute classic. This was John McTiernan's second film, but the first that really mattered. I mean, who remembers "Nomads", anyway? Maybe Mary Woronov. I'm sure if some "journalist" was brave/stupid enough to ask Pierce Brosnan what he thought of his performance in "Nomads", he would punch that mouthy prick right in the face. And rightly so.
Anyway, this was the film where McTiernan really showed the world what he could do. "Predator" is one of the few big action films from the 1980's that still holds up. And it really holds up. 23 years later, it's still one of the most thrilling, tense, and exciting films of its ilk.
Writers Jim and John Thomas came up with the simple yet intriguing idea of an extraterrestrial hunter coming to Earth for its own big game hunt. However the idea evolved through rewrites and on-set changes, the original concept of the film is still a strong one.
Producer Joel Silver can be credited for gathering such a memorable collection of bombastic personalities in Arnold Schwarzenneger, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura, Sonny Landham and Bill Duke, and throwing them all into a story that starts out as a "Dirty Dozen"-esque men on a mission movie, that slowly transforms into a desperate fight for survival against a seemingly unstoppable, other-worldly foe.
Each one of these actors creates a truly memorable performance in "Predator". Watching this group of badasses butt heads in the jungle, I am reminded of how far this type of film has fallen in recent years. How many ensemble-based action movies in the last ten years have given their audience such a likeable, quotable and all-around cool cast of characters? "Kill Bill"? Is that it?
Stan Winston's effects work is unforgettable. When the Predator is finally unmasked, that bizarre, crab-like face became instantly iconic. And Kevin Peter Hall's performance truly brings the character to life. You forget that it's a man in a suit. You see the Predator facing off with Arnold in the film's climax, and you don't amazing prosthetics work. You see an alien killing machine that wants to take Dutch's skull back to his house and mount it over the fireplace.
I remember reading a lot of reviews back in 1987 that just dismissed "Predator" as a derivative, unsatisfying shoot-em-up. Those people are idiots. People like me saw "Predator" for what it truly was: a masterpiece.
"Predator 2"
That's not a masterpiece. But it's still a lot of fun. Set in the far-flung future of 1997, the story of a "loose cannon" LAPD detective played by Danny Glover and his inevitable duel with a different Predator is more broad, more cartoony. There are moments in this film that feel like they're lifted right out of the imagination of a hyper-active 10 year-old.
Detectives Bill Paxton and Maria Conchita Alonso are riding the subway, and a group of street toughs pull their guns. Naturally, Paxton and Alonso pull their guns. And then every single person riding the subway decides now's a good time to pull their guns. It's such a completely bizzare and out-of-place moment.
Another such moment involves the Predator, wounded and pursued by Danny Glover, crashes through the bathroom window of an apartment occupied by an old lady. As he pulls out his incredibly handy field surgery kit to tend to his wounds, the old lady slowly and fearfully approaches the closed bathroom window, clutching a broom. Her approach is periodically stopped by the loud, unfamiliar screams emanating from the bathroom as the Predator uses some super-heated paste to seal his wounds.
He finally injects himself with some blue liquid, perhaps some kind of steroid, then bursts through the bathroom door, exiting through the opposite wall in a blind rage. The old lady just stands there, stupefied. Danny Glover quickly shows up, following the Predator's path of destruction. As he passes through, he looks at the old lady and tells her that it's okay, because he's a cop. The old lady responds with "I don't think he gives a shit." Hilarious.
The characters in "Predator 2" are simply not as cool or memorable as the badass mercs in the original film, but Glover, Paxton, Reuben Blades and Gary fucking Busey manage to make their presence felt. Morton Downey, Jr. and his massive teeth even pop up for a few brief moments.
You don't know who Morton Downey, Jr. is? There's no point in explaining. The 80's: I guess you had to be there.
Kevin Peter Hall returns to portray the brand new Predator, and he brings a different characterization to this role. This Predator isn't the old, cool-as-ice model. He's more belligerent, more prone to throwing the occassional temper tantrum. This makes sense, as the primary Predator in the sequel is still a wet-behind-the-ears hunter, with a small support group of other Predators waiting for him back at his spaceship.
The lone wolf Predator in the first film is a seasoned warrior. In "Predator 2", he seems more like a wealthy young buck on a weekend safari.
When Danny Glover somehow manages to kill the Predator onboard his own ship, his downed opponent's pals uncloak and converge around him. Clearly exhausted, Glover sighs and says "Who's next?" Instead of fighting, the Predators carry off their fallen brother and one of them tosses an old flintlock pistol to Glover as a trophy.
I loved this moment, because it illustrated the Predators as a race of honorable warriors. Danny Glover had proven himself in single combat with one of their own, and they respected him for it. That was just cool.
The sequence on the spaceship also gave nerds a hard-on when they saw the trophy case, filled with exotic skulls. Was that an "Alien" skull? Holy shit! I just came.
"Predator 2" is not a great movie. Many fans of the original either hate the sequel or regard it with apathy. I still enjoy it. Why? Here are two reasons:
1: Danny (Reuben Blades) has been killed by the Predator. His necklace is missing. A few scenes pass, and his partner Harrigan (Danny Glover) visits his grave. On the head stone is Danny's necklace. We see that it's Danny's necklace. We know that it's Danny's necklace. But when Harrigan picks up the necklace in a close-up, in production, somebody decided it would be helpful to have Danny Glover whisper the line "Danny's necklace...". So they added the line with a little ADR magic.. It's such an obvious "no shit" moment. And it makes me laugh every time.
2: Danny Glover calls the Predator "pussyface". We were all thinking it.
"Alien V. Predator"
Paul W.S. Anderson made a mediocre, PG-13 movie. The Predators all look bloated and act like idiots, the aliens inexplicably develop at a mind-boggling rate, the alien queen changes size from scene to scene and behaves more like the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park", and none of the human characters leave any impression.
Well, one does. And his name is Lance Henriksen. I love Lance Henriksen.
I've watched a lot of shitty movies simply because Lance Henriksen is in them. It's some kind of weird compulsion I have. Movies like "Antibody", "Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes" & "Bloodfeud", "Hellraiser: Hellworld", "In The Spider's Web" and "Sasquatch Mountain".
None of these are good movies. In fact, they're all terrible. But I watched them all because I noticed that Lance Henriksen was in them. In most of these films, Lance Henriksen only appears for a few scenes, really just glorified cameos. The people behind these movies needed a "name", and they figured that Lance Henriksen has some DTV marquee value. Their sceme worked, because they got me to watch their awful, awful movies. So shame on me.
Lance Henriksen plays Charles Weyland in "Alien Vs. Predator", as a clever nod to the Weyland-Yutani corporation from the "Alien" saga. He's really the only actor in the film with any recognizable talent. He's dying of cancer and wants to do something big, something that people will remember him for. He figures finding an ancient pyramid in fucking Antarctica will allow him to cross that item off his bucket list.
After everything falls apart, with Aliens and Predators fucking shit up for everybody, the last remaining Predator chooses to spare Henriksen's life when he uses his "Predator-Vision" to see the tumors in his frail human body. He starts walking away, and Henriksen gets pissed. He screams "Don't you walk away from me" and tries to set the Predator on fire. The Predator then puts Henriksen out of his misery, ending his tenure in this tedious slog of a movie.
I like his exit in the film. It's the only death in the film I can immediately recall, at any rate. Lance Henriksen will always be one of my favorite actors, despite consistently acting in some of the worst movies I have ever seen. I think I have Battered Wife Syndrome.
"Alien Vs. Predator" ends with the dead hero Predator onboard the Predator spaceship, with an alien/predator hybrid chestburster springing out of his ruined torso. Despite the tedious 90 minutes that preceded this moment, the fanboy wetdream of the mythical "Predalien" reared its ugly head, and that was more than enough for many of the mouthbreathers that enjoyed this movie.
The idea of bringing the Aliens to Earth in the present day violated continuity for the fans, but director Anderson tried to get around that by setting the film in a buried pyramid under Antarctic ice, keeping the Aliens away from civilization. The film also adds the possibility that the Predators helped guide ancient human civilization, being worshipped as gods. There are a few mildly interesting ideas introduced in the film, and there are a few enjoyable action moments, but little else.
I saw "Alien Vs. Predator" for free in the cinema, thanks to a friend of a friend. I still wanted my money back.
"Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem"
I remember the poster: A dueling Alien and Predator superimposed over our fragile little world with the tagline: "This Christmas, there will be no peace on Earth". I thought the poster was dumb. But at least this movie was rated R. That's gotta be worth something, right?
Ehh...
The sequel begins where the last movie ended, with the Predalien maturing at an insane rate, killing every Predator it can find on the ship. The ship crashes in some small town in Colorado, and the Predalien, along with a handful of facehuggers, escapes into the wild.
The downed Predator ship is equipped with a distress beacon which reaches the Predator homeworld in record time, and a single "cleaner" Predator is dispatched to take care of the mess.
Now this is a concept I really liked. One badass Predator coming to town to destroy all evidence of their presence, wiping out Aliens left and right.
Too bad the movie doesn't deliver on that promise.
Time and time again, the Cleaner is shown to be rather inept, making foolish mistakes and generally acting like a rookie. That is, when I could actually see what was unfolding onscreen. This movie is so fucking dark, it's infuriating. I don't understand how this could have happened with a major studio release. I had to crank up the brightness on my television all the way up just to make out what "action" this film had.
I thought none of the characters in the previous film had any depth. "Requiem" proved me wrong. Absolutely none of these characters even register. They might as well not exist. It's astounding how one-note the cast of this movie truly is.
The Predalien looks kinda cool (when I can actually see it), but doesn't really do much until the climax. Sure, it shoves its ovapositor down some pregnant woman's throat in a hospital and pumps her full of Alien eggs, and it's surprising to see. Not really because it's terribly shocking, but because there's no reason why the Predalien can actually do that. Why? Because the directors wanted more Aliens in the movie, dammit!
The first time I watched "Requiem", I absolutely hated it. The second time, I watched it as a slasher film, with Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers replaced with aliens. That made it slightly more enjoyable, in a trashy way. It's still not a good movie. And the worst movie to involve either Aliens or Predators.
"Predators"
Wow, that took longer than I thought. But at least we're finally here, Dear Imaginary Reader.
So what about "Predators"? Well, it's basically a remake of "Predator". I'm sure Robert Rodriguez calls it "a loving homage", but it's a little more than that.
So a bunch of strangers fall from the sky and wake up in the jungle. Whoever dropped them here was kind enough to leave them their weapons, which is immediately suspicious. I guess all of these people have names, but I don't remember any of them. I'm sure they all shared their names at some point, but they never left an impression.
The point is these people, who are all killers of some sort, except for Topher Grace(?), who is a doctor, are lost in the jungle, and someone... or something... is hunting them. It's no surprise. We know that fucking Predators are hunting them. But we don't see any Predators for the better part of an hour. Why? To build tension? We've seen the Predators show up and kill people in four movies, now! Find a better way to build tension.
Among our cast of armed prey is Adrien Brody as an ex-army merc, Walton Goggins as a death row prisoner, Danny Trejo as a Mexican cartel stooge, and Alice "jerky woman" Braga. She's supposed to be playing an Israeli sniper, but she's Brazilian, she looks Brazilian, and she sounds Brazilian. It's just a stupid casting decision. It's also a stupid casting decision because she can't act and looks like a mummy, but I've already discussed her many "virtues" at length.
So the group of stranded killers finds a campsite with some pretty elaborate boobytraps apparently set by a dead soldier, they get attacked by big dog creatures. They have a lot of guns and a lot of ammo, but they seem woefully inept in this first encounter, only killing two of the damned things, which are the size of a fucking bear. The Russian commando has a fucking gatling gun, and only manages to graze one of them!
Danny Trejo collects his paycheck and leaves the movie, they look up in the sky and realize that they're not on Earth, even though every single plant around them can be found on Earth, and Adrian Brody puts the pieces together and tells the group that they're all being hunted. OOOH!!!
They stumble upon the Predator campsite and find a Predator who looks suspiciously like the Predator from the original film tied to a tree, or a pole, or something. The big bad Super Predators attack, and then the movie finally starts moving. Or not.
Laurence Fishburne shows up and leads them to his home inside of a derelict spaceship. He's supposed to be half crazy from being stranded on this planet for so long, but he's just annoying. I didn't buy his performance for a single moment. It's almost laughable how he plays his role. And he's fat. I'm not saying that as an insult to Mr. Fishburne, and actor I like, but his character is supposed be a hard-boiled survivor, trapped on an alien world and constantly evading the Super Predators. He simply looks too well fed to play the role.
Fishburne fills in some of the plots gaps, explaining that the big Predators they see are meaner, stronger Super Predators at war with the classic Predators. Neat idea, but there's never any elaboration. He then waits for his new friends to fall asleep, then starts a fire to smother them with smoke while they slumber. Adrien Brody blows something up to get the attention of the Super Predators. They show up, and Fishburne just stands there and lets one of them blast him into atoms with his shoulder cannon.
What a pointless character. The film grinds to a halt as soon as Fishburne shows up, which is a problem, considering the story was already unfolding rather slowly. He just spouts a bunch of exposition, talks to his imaginary friend, and decides to kill his potential allies because he apparently wants their stuff, before dying. Thanks for nothing, Laurence Fishburne.
The Russian commando blows himself up to kill one of the Super Predators, the rest of the group run away, and a Japanese guy who found a sword chooses to stay behind to fight another Super Predator one on one.
I understand that this sequence is supposed to be cool, but it's really not. The fight between the Yakuza guy and the Super Predator looks like it was shot in a backyard with a green screen, and knowing Robert Rodriguez, it probably was. There's no flair to this duel. The Super Predator just stands there and deflects the Yakuza guy's attacks until they both just fall down and die. We don't actually see anybody inflict any blows, but blows are inflicted, it seems. Pointless.
Adrien Brody, Beef Jerky Woman and Topher Grace go back to the Predator camp and Brody unties the captured Predator, thinking that together they can take the Predator's ship and get back to Earth. While this exchange is unfolding, Topher Grace decides now is a perfect time to reveal that he's a serial killer and he paralyzes Jerky with a neurotoxin he took from a flower earlier in the film.
Now's as good a time as any to address Topher Grace. The audience is supposed to be surprised by this "serial killer" reveal, but if they have any brains, they see it coming a mile away. It's not even really a surprise at all, because Rodriguez spoiled that little reveal nearly a year ago, anyway.
People are supposed to buy that Topher's just a simple doctor who got abducted by the Super Predators by mistake? No thanks. And why does he decide when the Big Bad Super Predator is coming to kill them all that it's the perfect time to kill the people who have kept him alive throughout the entire ordeal? He spouts some bullshit about wanting to stay because he feels a kinship with the Super Predators, but it doesn't ring true.
The Super Predators chose him why, exactly? He's not strong, and he's not terribly cunning. Did they think that chasing a scrawny serial killer with no real hunting skill to be sporting? His character just doesn't make a lot of sense.
Let me give you an example: There's a moment during the group's escape from the derelict ship when Topher gets separated from the others and ends up face to face with one of the Super Predators. This is the perfect time to reveal his true nature. Have him act cowardly, dropping to his knees and pleading for his life. Then have him pull out his scalpel and cut the Super Predator's leg, delivering a dose of the flower's neurotoxin. As the Super Predator falls, paralyzed, Topher can kill his prey at his leisure.
That would be a cool reveal. Instead, he runs away and gets saved by the Russian commando, who sacrifices himself to save Topher's life. Instead, we're left with something rather conventional. It's a disappointment.
So the classic Predator activates his ship, and Adrien Brody just runs off, ditching the Predator and leaving Jerky to the mercy of Doctor Dumb, as the Super Predator shows up. A short, one-sided fight ensues, and the classic Predator is quickly decapitated. Now we're supposed to see how dangerous this Super Predator is, because he took out this badass classic Predator with little effort.
The Super Predator then blows up the classic Predator's ship, just for spite. We're supposed to believe that Adrien Brody was on the ship, but only a 2 year-old would actually believe that. No, he shows up to stab Topher Grace in the jaw with his own scalpel, paralyzing the good doctor and strapping half a dozen grenades on his motionless body as a trap for the Super Predator.
Why, exactly, did Adrien Brody abandon the classic Predator in the first place? If he had half a brain, he would have stuck around to help the classic Predator defeat the Super Predator, so they could leave together. That's just common sense. The Predators have a sense of honor, so if Brody saved his life, he would be indebted to him. It's another stupid decision.
The Super Predator finds Topher Grace, who promptly blows up. Now a previous Super Predator was killed by two grenades. This one takes six grenades at point blank range and suffers a mild sunburn. Stupid. Then Adrien Brody shows up covered in mud for no good reason except that the Austrian Oak did it in the original, and he beats the Super Predator half to death before decapitating it with surprisingly little work.
This is a fundamental problem. The last act of "Predator" dealt with Arnold Schwarzenegger in a desperate struggle against his foe. We're treated to a nearly twenty minute-long duel between these two warriors. The Predator has the upper hand until Arnold hits him with a fucking tree, for pity's sake!
The climactic fight in "Predators" lasts less than five minutes. The classic Predator put up less of a fight! We're supposed to think the Super Predator is an insurmountable foe when he deals with our familiar Predator so ruthlessly, but the fucking Pianist kills him in less than five minutes! It's just laughable.
The film ends as Adrien Brody and Beef Jerky Woman stare up at the sky and see a new group of abductees falling from the sky. Adrian Brody says "Let's get off this fucking planet", and the credits roll to Little Richard's "Long Tall Sally" in yet another loving homage to the original film.
"Predators" was shockingly maybe two steps above "Alien Vs. Predator" in overall quality. The interesting concept can only take the film so far. The director, Nimrod Antal, made a pretty flat and uninspiring movie. The film's action is rarely that exciting. The Super Predators hardly even do any real hunting. The only members of the cast who are actually trying are Adrien Brody (despite and occassional dip into "Batman Voice"), Topher Grace (as comic relief before his "twist"), and Walton Goggins.
Of course, Walton Goggins is just a tremendous actor, and he was clearly having fun with his role. He goes out shanking a Super Predator in the throat! If you're not aware of Walton Goggins, firstly, shame on you. Secondly, watch "The Shield" and "Justified". You'll thank me later.
The rest of the cast ranges from bland (Alice Braga) to embarassing (Laurence Fishburne). So unlike the cast of the original "Predator", a film to which Robert Rodriguez's little pet project owes its entire existence. In "Predator", you actually cared when one of the soldiers got killed. In "Predators", you just shrug and move on to the rest of the cannon fodder.
In short (yeah right) "Predators" starts out with an interesting concept, but never truly delivers. It's the third best "Predator" movie, and that's certainly not saying much.
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