Cinematic Thunderdome!! Part One

Two movies enter... then I guess I leave. The cinema, that is. Because the movies are still there. I had to go home, though. Because otherwise, people might start to get suspicious. They might wonder why some weird dude is camping out in the movie theatre. Then they call the cops, then I get arrested, and it all ends up with me spending some quality time in a nice padded cell.

Man, I really butchered the whole "Beyond Thunderdome" analogy.

I saw "The Expendables" and "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" with mein cousin Ky a while back. A lovely day at the movies. And now I am going to talk about them.

Sylvester Stallone: A Depressing Roller Coaster Ride

In 1997, Sylvester Stallone starred in "Cop Land". Do you remember "Cop Land"? That movie was great. I loved it in the theatre. I loved it on VHS. I loved it on cable. And I still love it on DVD. This is the movie that made people remember that putting aside all of the TNT-infused machismo of his 1980's action output, Sylvester Stallone could actually act.

Don't get me wrong: I'm a big fan of his action flick heyday. The 80's and early 90's were my formative years, and Stallone was a big part of that. From his "Rambo" and "Rocky" sequels, to the cartoonishly entertaining "Tango & Cash", to the insanely over-the-top, nightmarishly fascist "Cobra". I loved what the man did.

Now did his action filmography ever hit the dizzying heights of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Predator" or "Commando" No. Did he ever give us a bonafide action classic like Bruce Willis in "Die Hard" No. But Sly's work always had a place in my heart.

Besides, his earlier work, namely "Rocky" and "First Blood", are great films. Made greater still by the fact that Sly actually wrote those damned movies. Aha! The man wasn't just a muscular badass with great screen preence. He had talent behind the scenes, as well. That's something Arnold could never say.

Sure, Arnold produced such films as "Last Action Hero" and "The 6th Day", but come on. He also directed that awful "Christmas In Connecticut" movie for TNT. That doesn't even come close.

Sly had a few missteps behind the scenes as well, to be fair. Remember "Rhinetone"? Staying Alive"? "Over The Top"? Fucking "Driven"?! None of those films are good. "Rhinestone", in particular, is pretty fucking terrible, yet also fascinating. It's one of those cinematic trainwrecks, where you want to turn away but you just can't.

Watching Sylvester Stallone desperately trying to sing about becoming "Drinkenstein", knowing that the man wrote his own lyrics is an amazing thing to behold. He wasn't forced to do this. He wasn't fulfilling a contractual obligation. He fucking wrote this! At some point, the man thought this was a good idea! Fucking mind-blowing.

Maybe he just really wanted to work with Dolly Parton.

I suppose my point is that Sylvester Stallone has struggled more than his contemporary, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Obviously, this is at least partially his own fault. He fucking wrote "Rhinestone"! But I've always been in the man's corner. As the Italian Stallion lost his way time and time again, I was always hopeful. I knew the man had a real talent, and it was just a matter of time before a project came along that reminded others of that fact.

Then he gained a lot weight and played against type as soft-spoken New Jersey sheriff Freddy Heflin in "Cop Land". A great performance in a great film, and I was sure that things were going to be different from now on. People were going to take notice, and realize that Stallone could do more than blow shit up, again. Directors would begin to cast him in more toned-down affairs, that would showcase his actual acting abilities. Stallone was gonna be on top.

Boy, was I wrong.

Just take a look at the man's output from 1998 to 2005. With the exception of a small voice role in "Antz", it's just wall-to-wall garbage. I don't even want to mention the dreck that Stallone made in that dark age. He never made anything as excrutiating as "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" in this era, just an endless string of mediocrity. The man was pushing 60, and I was quietly hoping that he would just decide to retire before he made anymore terrible movies.

Then, in 2006, he wrote, directed and starred in "Rocky Balboa". Leading up to the release, most people just thought of this as a last gasp at relevance. Nobody thought the movie would actually be any good. Especially considering the franchise's decline in quality over the years. We're supposed to believe that a 60 year-old retired boxer is going to jump in the ring with a young champion and not get destroyed in seconds? In reality, even George Foreman's comeback ended at the age of 48.

I saw the film in Christmas Day, and was blown away. Stallone played Rocky as a man who has been beaten down by his life in the years since his last glorious days in the ring. His fortune has dried up, he's estranged from his son, and his beloved Adrian is dead and gone. And Paulie's still a fucking mess. So at least some things never change.

Circumstances lead to a charity match between Rocky and world champion Mason Dixon. Leading up to the match, most people thought that Rocky didn't stand a chance. He was over the hill, out of shape, and out of practice. Who's going to believe that a 60 year-old man is going to provide any kind of challenge to this young champion?

In a case of life imitating art, "Rocky Balboa" shocked the world. I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed this movie. Stallone had inhabited the character of Rocky Balboa for so long, his struggles in life seemed to echo his character's struggles on-screen. No matter how hard life get, Rocky didn't give up, and neither did Stallone. Seriously, lesser men would have killed themselves after "Rhinestone".

When Rocky went the distance against Mason Dixon in the film's climax, it wasn't just a triumphant moment for the film, it was a victory for Stallone. He was telling the world "I'm still here, dammit!" Stallone managed to prove that he still had it, and I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to see what else he had up his sleeve.

That something turned out to be 2008's "Rambo". I love Sly's "Rambo" series. "First Blood" is a great, small movie about a damaged Vietnam veteran who is pushed too far by a small town sheriff. It's incredibly effective, and my heart always breaks for poor John Rambo when he tearfully breaks down in front of Col. Trautman in the end.

"Rambo: First Blood Part II" and "Rambo III" are ridiculous, yet entertaining movies. A lot of shit blows up, a lot of people get killed, and Sly still manages to shove in a few genuine human moments in between all of the explosions. He crashes a fucking tank into a helicopter in part 3! That's fucking ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome.

But the sequels drifted away from the more serious nature of the original, and John Rambo, as a character, became muddy and less defined. When most people think about Rambo, they don't think about the broken veteran from the first film, they remember the oiled-up killing machine from the sequels. The cartoon.

Jesus, I forgot that they actually made a fucking "Rambo" cartoon. Wow, that was stupid. Between that and "The Toxic Crusaders", I always chuckled to myself, thinking that little kids were meant to enjoy the animated adventures of characters that originated in films made for adults. Seriously, how does a children's cartoon based on "The Toxic Avenger" get made? That's some kind of twisted genius, there.

Anyway, although I enjoyed John Rambo's latter-day adventures in blowing shit up, I was always a little disappointed that a bit of the character's soul was discarded in favor of elaborate action setpieces. So when Sylvester Stallone announced that he was going to go the "Rocky Balboa" route with his second most famous character, I was excited.

He seemed to have learned something with his previous film. I doubted Sly was going to make his supposedly last hurrah with John Rambo a big, dumb celluloid explosion with no heart. Just like with good old Rocky Balboa, he'd gotten all of the pomp and circumstance out of his system, and was ready to get back to his roots.

And as far as I'm concerned, "Rambo" did just that. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this movie. We meet John Rambo on the outskirts of a village in Thailand near the Burmese border. He makes a meager living catching snakes. His face is a mask, his eyes are blank, and his physique has the solidity of an old, strong oak tree.

He looks like he has the strength to punch your head clean off your shoulders with little effort, and his demeanor suggests that after destroying your life, he'd just go on with his day like nothing happened. If you thought Rocky had it rough, poor Rambo could tell that old boxer a few stories that would make him weep blood.

At first I wondered why John wasn't back with the Buddhist monks, living in the temple he was helping to construct in the previous film. He'd found a sort of peace with himself in that film, actually using his hands to create rather than destroy. John's in a pretty bad place when the fourth film begins, and there's no immediate explanation as to why.

I prefer to think that when John returned to Thailand, he found the temple burned to the ground, and all of the monks dead. That's the kind of shit that would turn a man into a silent, hulking, snake-wrangling beast.

If you've seen "Rambo", then you know the story: Nihilist John reluctantly agrees to ferry a group of missionaries across the border to Burma, which is a violent cesspool. He's convinced to do this by a naive young missionary named Sarah, who seems to awaken John's deeply buried humanity. Shortly after arriving in Burma, the missionaries get kidnapped by a corrupt military officer (big surprise), and are doomed to a short and miserable existence as guests of the Burmese army.

A team of mercenaries is hired to find the kidnapped missionaries, and Rambo agrees to accompany them, because he finds that he actually cares about poor Sarah. The mercs think Rambo's just an old boatman with massive arms, and tell him to stay on the boat. Luckily for them, Rambo doesn't stay on the boat, and almost single-handedly wipes out the entire Burmese army with the help of a mounted 50 caliber machine gun.

Then, just because he can, he obliterates the evil Burmese Major's internal organs with his terrorknife. So Rambo saves the day, the missionaries, and in the process, perhaps even his soul. The film ends with John returning home to the United States, on the outskirts of his father's farm.

"Rambo" is great. And it's also astoundingly violent. During the climactic battle, he transforms at least a hundred men into a fine red paste. He also hacks one poor bastard's head off with a machete. With one swipe of his mighty arm. It wasn't a punch, but it was close enough. Some might argue that Rambo regaining his humanity, in part, through extreme physical violence is the wrong message to send to the children. Those people are pussies.

Rambo finally comes to terms with his past, and all it took was the slaughter of a bunch of evil Burmese soldiers. A few of those soldiers might have been decent folks under desperate circumstances, but if they knew better, they would have dropped their guns and bolted into the jungle as fast as their legs could carry them. The moral of the story: don't point your gun at John Rambo, because he will annihilate you.

So "Rambo" was awesome. And Sly's next project sounded even awesomer. A group of badass mercenaries invading a small South American nation to overthrow a dictator? An amazing group of actors that reads like the cast of my insane action movie dreams? How soon can this movie open, and how quickly can I buy a ticket?

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, and Gary Daniels, with cameos by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Oh, and Steve Austin and Randy Couture. And that cop from "Dexter" as the evil dictator. A real "men on a mission" movie. fantastic!

So did "The Expendables" deliver? Eeehh...

THE EXPENDABLES: The Title That Lies Like Dinner

I'll start with a quick (heh, heh) plot summary. Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is the leader of a group of soldiers of fortune named "the expendables". You can tell because they all ride motorcycles with their logo airbrushed on their gastanks. Hey, it's an easy way to advertise. His brothers in arms consist of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren).

Christ, those fucking names. Only Sly and Dolph have halfway normal names, and that's stretching it. Fucking Barney?! Stallone chose to call himself Barney? Why? That's just a nitpick, I suppose.

The film starts with our heroes boarding a pirate ship off the coast of Somalia, hired to rescue a group of hostages. Our boys surround the pirates as they prepare to start executing the hostages, with all of their pretty little gun lasers lighting up the Head Pirate like the Fourth of July. Barney throws down a bag of money, the previously agreed ransom amount to free the hostages.

The douchebag Head Pirate decides he wants more money, because the Expendables obviously have at least a few million extra dollars stuffed up their asses for just such an occassion. A short argument ensues, before Gunnar stops it by obliterating the Head Pirate's upper body with a grenade launcher. One firefight later, and the pirates are defeated, the hostages safe and sound.

Gunnar supposes now is a good time to string up one of the surviving pirates, as an example to any other pirates who might happen upon this now-derelict vessel. But that's not how the Expendables roll, baby! Sure, the pirate would kill them if given half a chance, but they have to be better than that. Yang tussles with Gunnar, Gunnar starts kicking his ass, and Barney stops the fight when he threatens to shoot his pal Gunnar for attempting to hang a fucking pirate.

Apparently, old Gunnar is a drug addict. We're never told what his drug of choice is, and we never see him take any drugs, but he's a filthy junkie, all right. Plus, he's crazy. So Barney fires his ass when the boys get home. Wonder if that plan will come back to bite Barney on his ass later?

Whenever the Expendables aren't shooting people in foreign countries and spontaneously growing vaginas when one of their own decides to kill a bad guy in a creative way, they hang out at a tattoo parlor owned and operated by a former mercenary and friend named Tool (Mickey Rourke). Seriously, they spend all of their free time at this place. With only a few exceptions, every U.S.-based moment of this film takes place at Tool's tattoo parlor. It's ridiculous.

Tool sets up a meeting for Barney with a mysterious contact offering big money for a dangerous mission in Val Verde... I mean Vilena, a small South American nation ruled with an iron fist by an evil dictator. Barney meets "Mr. Church" (Bruce Willis) and argues with an old rival also interested in the job named Trench (Schwarzenegger) for a few minutes, before Trench decides that he doesn't want the job and walks away.

"Mr. Church" wants Barney and his team to enter Vilena and kill the dictator, General Garza (David Zayas), but he really wants them to kill James Munroe (Eric Roberts), a rogue CIA agent who is supporting General Garza in exchange for a steady supply of exportable cocaine. See, "Mr. Church" is most definitely a CIA man, himself, and wants the Expendables to do the wetwork in eliminating Munroe so they don't have to. Your taxpayer dollars at work!

Barney and Christmas fly out to Vilena to meet their contact for a little reconnaissance. Their contact is a lady named Sandra (nobody), who just happens to be the daughter of General Garza. The little recon job goes awry when our heroes are forced to kill a bunch of soldiers who are aiming guns at them at point-blank range. Barney opts to bail out, because the mission is just too dangerous. So the revolution has been called off, as they make tracks to their seaplane, dragging a very reluctant Sandra along for the ride.

When they reach the plane, Sandra decides to stay, running away because she stands for something, dammit! Barney and Christmas take off, then realize that something hasn't gone boom in a while, so they turn the plane around and blast the dock full of waiting soldiers with a hail of bullets and a dollop of napalm for good measure.

Back home, Tool opens up to Barney, telling him about the time he "lost his soul" on a mission in Bosnia, allowing a woman to commit suicide because at the time he was so desensitized that he just couldn't bring himself to care. This plants the seed in Barney's head, and he decides that he's going to back to Vilena... for the girl.

Yang tags along with Barney on a little road trip, where they get ambushed by some of Munroe's goons, including Gunnar (shock of shocks!). A big, loud chase ensues, and some SUVs explode. Gunnar gets into a brawl with Yang, gets the upper hand, and Barney shoots him. Apparently dying, Gunnar decides to do the right thing and tell Barney all about the layout of Garza's dilapidated palace.

So the Expendables go back to Vilena, and the entire army shows up to fight our heroes. In the midst of the battle, Garza seems to have a change of heart regarding himself and his role in Vilena's future. He is tired of being manipulated by Munroe, and wants to lead his people into a brighter tomorrow. You see, he's a good dictator, after all! Munroe is having none of that, and shoots Garza in the back. Serves you right!

Anyway, the entire army is wiped out, everything blows up, and Munroe is killed by a bunch of bullets and a big, digitally created knife through the sternum. A job well done, the Expendables leave Sandra with her ruined country, and head back to Tool's tattoo parlor, to reunite with an alive and well Gunnar, get drunk and throw knives at a dartboard. The End.

So that's the story. Not much of a story, when you really break it down. Really just an excuse for a series of action sequences, more than anything else. I have some problems with "The Expendables", and now I am going to tell you about them, like it or not.

My first problem with this film is the eerie similarity to Sly's previous film, "Rambo". The only reason Rambo goes back to Burma is Sarah. He could give less than a shit about any of the other missionaries. If Sarah had half a brain and decided to stay home when her church group decided to go save the heathen souls of Burma from the fires of Hell, then Rambo would have just stayed home to headbutt trees into firewood for fun. Rambo turns Burma into a bloodsoaked nightmare because of the girl.

Barney does the exact same thing in "The Expendables". He had written little Sandra off until Tool conveniently chose to tell his pal a heartbreaking story about the poor woman he could have saved, but didn't. Barney didn't want to lose his soul, so he had to return to Vilena. Not for the mission. For the girl. Because she's not just the girl, she a symbol of reightousness and purity. She defies her father and his government, not for personal gain, but because it's the right thing to do. Got it?

Being a mercenary for so long, Barney's forgotten about "the right thing". Even though he wouldn't allow Gunnar to hang a pirate earlier in the film. So, like John Rambo, Barney chooses to save the girl, because it's just "the right thing to do". Fuck money, fuck fame, he's doing this to save his fucking soul!

The only real difference between this plot and the plot to "Rambo" is that the good mercs in "The Expendables" aren't useless assholes just waiting for Sly to pull their asses out of the fire. In fact, Barney's pals save his life, a time or two. I was disappointed that Stallone was already rehashing the plot from his previous film. He's better than that.

Another problem: the girl in "The Expendables" sucks. The actress who plays Sandra, Giselle Itie, is a horrible actress. She can't convincingly deliver any of her dialogue, she has no screen presence, and her heavy-lidded eyes are lifeless and distracting. Perhaps the dialogue can't be directly blamed on the actress, considering this is her first english-language role, and most of it is so pedestrian and trite.

But either way, this woman is supposed to make the audience care about her. We're supposed to want our heroes to go back to Vilena and save her. We don't. In "Rambo", Julie Benz played Sarah sympathetically. She was naive, she wanted to help people out of the goodness of her heart. Rambo cared about her. And so did we. The girl in "Rambo" worked. The girl in "The Expendables" did not.

Another problem? The actors. Not all of the actors, Dear Imaginary Reader. Just most of them.

Sylvester Stallone doesn't really bring much to the table in this movie, which was a huge surprise. He plays Barney Ross not as a man exhausted physically and emotionally by his career, but as just a tired man. He certainly has his moments, and at times a bit of his old, charismatic self shines through. But overall, he's not terribly memorable.

Perhaps that's the way old Sly wanted it. After all, his goal in making the film was to showcase an ensemble. And maybe he didn't want to do anything to outshine his castmates, choosing a more subdued performance over anything... bombastic. If this is true, then he failed. Because instead of subdued, he gave us sedated.

And Jason Statham? He's Barney's right hand man, so we spend more time with Lee Christmas than any other Expendable. So does he do anything worthwhile? Not really. From what I understand about his character, he likes knives, enjoys the odd poetry slam, and has terrible taste in women. Yes, he's the only member of the team with any real love interest. It's Charisma Carpenter, which makes sense. She's gorgeous, after all. I was astounded to learn that she's recently turned 40. Cordelia Chase is 40. She's aging gracefully, I must say.

Unfortunately, her role in "The Expendables" is completely superfluous. She's in two scenes. And that's it. She never shows up again. Lee never even refers to her again. Her role is utterly meaningless.

Let me lay it out for you: Lee's been out of the country (on Expendable business) for a month. He visits his girlfriend, surprised to find out that she's already moved on, despite the fact that they never broke up, that Lee never even hinted that he wanted to break up with her. His lady apparently got tired of waiting, and found a new man. And he's already living with her. She works fast, I tell ya.

Not only that, but her new beau is the biggest dick in the world. Sure, Barney would object to Gunnar attempting to hang an innocent pirate, but if he tried to string this right bastard up, Barney would start singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow". And I wouldn't blame him.

New Lee can't manage to utter one sentence that is anything remotely resembling cordial. A permanent scowl of contempt is tattooed across his face. His eyes burn with rage and feelings of inadequacy. He might be wearing a hairpiece, I don't know. But it wouldn't surprise me. New Lee tells Christmas Too to get lost. Cordelia's got a new man in her life, and he can satisfy her desires to be despised and objectified like no other man possibly can.

So our hero gets on his crotch rocket and tells Cordelia that she should have waited, and rides off, presumably to Tool's place, to throw more knives and drown his sorrows in the powerful, masculine arms of his good pal Barney.

Later that movie, Lee visits Cordelia again, for no immediately discernible reason, and sees the brand new shiner across her left eye. Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen! Not only is New Lee a complete cunt, he likes punching ladies, as well! New Lee truly is the biggest dick in the world.

So now, if Lee were to, say, track down his newly minted nemesis, beat the living shit out of him and all of his friends as a public basketball court, and threaten New Lee's very life with the pointy end of one of his many, many, many knives, while puffy Cordelia watches, he would be totally justified.

So he... well he does just that. And then he quietly orders the now submissive, traumatized Cordelia to climb on the back of his bike, telling her once again that she should have waited for him. Because he's worth it. He's the "L'Oréal" of men. And as I said previously, after they ride off together, she might as well not exist, because she's fucking gone.

Simply put, these scenes are padding. We get to see Jason Statham act macho and beat the holy hell out of a group of worthless yuppies, but it's pointless. We've seen it all, before. And the whole subplot doesn't really work. Why is he so enamored with a woman who essentially left him at the drop of a hat for an utter asshole? She has no personality of her own. She's a complete cipher. We're supposed to care because she's being abused, but she isn't even a real character. It's complete manipulation, and it's borderline offensive.

Charisma Carpenter acts like she has no idea why she's even in the movie. She just stares with her big, brown eyes and closely resembles a startled deer transfixed by a car's headlights on a deserted country road. These two scenes could have been completely removed from the film without causing any harm to the narrative. They contribute nothing.

David Zayas, who is great on "Dexter", and was great on "Oz", is a fucking bore in this movie. Was I meant to feel any sympathy for the brutal dictator when Eric Roberts shot him in the back? Maybe, but I was just relieved that I didn't have to listen to him spout any more insipid dialogue.

Randy Couture is not an actor. Somebody should have told Randy Couture that before he decided to appear in this film. It's saying something when Steve Austin is not the worst actor in your film. It's saying a lot. A whole hell of a lot. Steve Austin is still the second worst actor in the film, so don't get nervous. These two titans of bland have their own private rumble during the climax, and Couture kicks Austin into a wall of fire.

Steve Austin is supposed to be burning alive, and that has got to be one of the most painful experiences imaginable. Steve Austin no-sells this worse than any of his soap opera segments in the wrestling ring. His laughable attempts at screaming caused me to burst out in maniacal laughter. It was absolutely deplorable. At least he's dead, so he can't appear in any hypothetical sequels.

Couture still might, so I suggest that when the sequel begins, one of the Expendables laments at the off-screen death of our beloved Toll Road, while simultaenously welcoming their newest member, Black Dynamite. Why not?

The script is garbage. I don't know how Sly wrote this and thought it was any good. Then again, he must have thought "Rhinestone" was good, at some point. So perhaps the man is mentally regressing into some primitive, action-hero caveman state. Or maybe he's just delusional. Either way, he wrote a bad script.

The action is passable, at times. It's also great, at times. It's also *white noise* at times. Stallone decided to shoot most of the hand-to-hand fighting sequences in extreme close-up reminiscent of Christopher Nolan's work in "Batman Begins". That makes it very hard to make any sense of what's actually happening onscreen.

In what should have been an absolute no-brainer of an action sequence in a fight between Jason Statham, Jet Li and Gary Daniels as Munroe's henchman, Stallone stays so close to the action for the majority of the fight that I had no idea what was going on. Inexcusable.

And the run-and-gun sequences don't fare much better. It became crystal clear that Stallone had originally shot a PG-13 movie when every single gunshot wound became an explosion of digital blood approaching the heights of "Ninja Assassin". It's terrible. And when Eric Roberts met his end at the end of the worst-looking digital knife blade I have ever seen, I hung my head.

And just for good measure, here's a real nitpick: None of the good guys die. None of them even get shot. Except for Gunnar, but he was "on hiatus" at the time. So none of "The Expendables" die. That doesn't feel right, to me.

So now you simply must be asking to yourself, Did this sad bastard actually enjoy anything about this movie? The answer is yes. Hard to believe, but I actually found a lot to enjoy in the film.

How about the actors? Not all of the actors. Just some of the actors.

Like Dolph Lundgren. He plays Gunnar Jenssen as a coked-up lunatic, and he devours every crumb of scenery in his general vicinity. Although he's only featured in perhaps fifteen minutes of the actual film, he's an absolute delight whenever his weathered, Swedish face appears. So much so, that I think the film actually suffers without his consistent presence. Stallone apparently felt the same way, so he chose to shoehorn the previously dead character into the final scene, just because he liked the guy as much as I did.

His exuberant glee when blasting a nefarious pirate into the afterlife, and his childlike excitement when he attempts to hang yet another pirate made me grin. His persistence in calling everyone who looks down on him an "insect" made me laugh. And watching him kick Jet Li's ass was hilarious and brilliant. He's the film's MVP.

Speaking of Jet Li, his grotesquely named "Ying Yang" is a surprising bright spot in the film. He's actually funny. He continues to complain that he needs more money to support his family, and when pressed on the subject, he clams up, a blank stare fixed on his face. Later on, he casually drops the fact that he doesn't really have a family, that he's just greedy, and it doesn't sound funny, but I couldn't help but laugh.

And when he whines to Barney that he deserves more credit because he has to work harder than everyone else on account of his diminuative stature, I cracked up. It's all in his dead-pan delivery. He sounds deadly serious, and that's why it's funny. He never smiles. I can't recall ever seeing the man smile. But he obviously has a great sense of humor. But if you ever laughed at him, he'd probably break your neck.

Eric Roberts obviously knew what kind of movie he was in, and just hammed it up as the irredeemably corrupt Munroe. He's always entertaining, and once again, I just wish he were more prominently featured in the film. There's a particularly great moment involving him and Dadid Zayas, as Munroe and General Garza investigate the hideout of Garza's revolutionary daughter, Sandra.

Munroe scans the walls with contempt, gazing at all of Sandra's unframed tattoo shop-quality artowk, which serves as a de facto wallpaper. He turns to Garza and spits the line "Paintings?! This is how it starts!!!" then storms out. As soon as Munroe is out of earshot, Garza turns to the camera and mumbles "Or how it ends", almost as if he were afraid that if Munroe heard him, he would get a spanking. Nonsensical comedy gold.

Terry Crews is great as "Hale Caesar". Too bad he's barely in the fucking movie. He's one of the most naturally funny people I've ever seen on film, and it's a damned shame that he's rarely utilized properly. He's not just the madman from the Old Spice commercials, kids. He's the fucking President.

Caesar arms himself with a badass automatic shotgun and lays everything to waste. He turns an underground cavern full of henchmen into an abbatoir. When Barney runs out of ammo for his assault rifle, he tells Caesar to take care of the guard towers surrounding the palace. He explodes them with his weapon of mass destruction.

As Munroe makes his way to his patented supervillain escape chopper, Barney asks if Caesar can throw a nearby massive, unexploded shell. Caesar picks it up and tosses it toward the chopper like a fucking Greek demigod, and Barney shoots it, blowing up the chopper. Eric Roberts has a classic, "why me" reaction to this development.

In short, Terry Crews is the tits.

The much-hyped cameo sequence involving Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis may be blatant fan service, but it's a big highlight in the film. Arnold's having a lot of fun playing a complete asshole, and it shows. And Bruce Willis shows more life in this tiny cameo than he has since maybe "The Whole Nine Yards". That mischievious glint has returned to his eye, and he's clearly enjoying himself. I think it's because he finally got to say a few curse words in a movie, again. He's always at his best when he has the leeway to be vulgar.

Mickey Rourke brings a lot to his small role as fucking "Tool". Stallone clearly got Rourke on loan from the set of "Iron Man 2", because he looks just like Ivan Vanko, down to the gold highlights in his teeth. But he's funny, memorable, and actually has the only truly heartfelt moment in the film when Tool tells Barney about "the Bosnian tragedy". The dialogue that Stallone wrote for him wasn't great, but Rourke sells it like an old pro.

I hope he comes back for a sequel, and once again, I hope he gets more screentime.

"The Expendables" is not a good movie. But the actors are not at fault. In fact, my only real praise for the film comes purely from the performances. Stallone let them down, as a filmmaker. He dropped the ball, and because of that, I couldn't really recommend this movie to anybody.

My brother briefly spoke to me about the movie the other day, and was appalled that I could feel so disappointed. He didn't understand why I couldn't just let go and enjoy the ride. I wondered if we had seen two different movies. How could anybody walk out of "The Expendables" and not feel disappointed?

The movie's been number one at the box office for two weeks in a row. So a sequel is potentially a reality. I just hope that Stallone takes the time to make a better movie for his cast this time. Next time, I'll tell talk about "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World". This post has gone on far too long, and I have to learn the delicate art of brevity.