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THE OTHER GUYS: ...And A Good Time Was Had By All

Adam McKay and Will Ferrell have done it again. "Four for Four", as the hipsters might say. I caught a matinee of "The Other Guys" opening weekend, and have only now chosen to actually write about it. Because I'm fucking lazy.

You think that's bad? I've already got two more movies to write about, and I'm seeing "Piranha 3D" this weekend, as well. At this rate, I won't be caught up until Halloween. Oh boy. Anyhoo, this movie I was supposed to be talking about? It's good.

Dammit, I already basically said that two paragraphs up. I swear, my short-term memory is shot to hell. And I haven't even taken any hard-core hallucinagens in years. The scientists weren't lying: that shit stays in your system.

Maybe that's why I infrequently lapse into a fugue state when I see a 3D movie in the cinema, coming to my senses hours, sometimes days later, standing naked in a porn shop parking lot, covered in blood and vegetable oil, gnashing my teeth and clutching a well-worn copy of "Catcher In The Rye".

But I digress...

"The Other Guys" is a buddy-cop comedy, and it's actually funny. Will Ferrell plays a boring, straight-laced detective named Gamble who prefers pushing a pencil to actually leaving the precinct. He's partnered up with Marky Mark, a hot-headed, self-proclaimed "peacock" named Hoitz who's been saddled with Ferrell ever since he accidentally shot New York Yankee Derek Jeter in the leg (a gag that doesn't really work). He's a laughingstock around the precinct, and he's seething with rage.

But these two cops don't matter. Hoitz and Gamble freeze in the shadow of supercops Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson) and Danson (The Fucking Rock), a pair of hot shot renegades who break the rules, have a metric ton of fun, and cost the city millions in property damage in pursuit of the bad guys, but nobody cares because they're just so fucking cool.

But things are about to change. While chasing down a gang of thieves across a series of rooftops, Highsmith and Danson find themselves at an impasse. The thieves have escaped across a busy street via a convenient zipline that they smartly severed moments before the supercops could catch them. Highsmith and Danson look at each other, smile knowingly, and leap from the roof of a very tall building...

...and fall to their deaths. Seriously. It's the most bizarre, jarringly funny moment I've yet encountered in a film, this year. There are no large trucks carrying heaping piles of garbage driving by, no handy awnings below to break their fall, and no convenient fruit stands, either. They just jump... and die.

The shot holds for thirty seconds while the supercops fall, and the audience keeps expecting some deus ex machina to swoop in and save them. But it never happens. They smash on the pavement below, and that's it. Our film's intermittent narrator, Ice T, even mentions the absurdity of the entire ordeal. Not even the omniscient voice of the film can find a compelling reason for what Highsmith and Danson have done.

It's absolutely hilarious.

After the inexplicable deaths of Alpha dogs Highsmith and Danson, two douchebag Betas named Fosse (Damon Wayans, Jr.) and Martin (Rob Riggle) attempt to fill their void, throwing their weight around, wearing sunglasses, and updating their Twitter accounts at crime scenes. These guys are just trying too hard.

Meanwhile, Hoitz and Gamble stumble upon a seemingly dead-end case involving a twitchy British capitalist named Ershon (Steve Coogan) that quickly becomes the biggest case of their careers. Can "the other guys" get the job done?

Spoiler Alert: Sure.

So "The Other Guys" is funny. It's very funny. I enjoyed it.

Um... I guess maybe I should elaborate?

Six Hilarious Things Found In "The Other Guys"

First: Dirty Mike and the Boys. Gamble is a stick in the mud, if nothing else. A boring guy with a boring life, he drives a sensible Prius that he oddly cherishes above most things. The sanctity of his Prius is violated by a gang of hobos, calling themselves "Dirty Mike and the Boys". Early on in the film, Gamble's Prius is stolen. It is quickly recovered, but forensics investigators determine that a massive hobo orgy has taken place within the confines of Gamble's precious hybrid.

Let me repeat that: A massive hobo orgy inside of a Toyota Prius. Dirty Mike even leaves Gamble a note, thanking him for the use of his car as a den of iniquity. Later on, Gamble and Hoitz actually meet Dirty Mike (a nice cameo by director McKay) and the Boys, and the hobo king loudly proclaims that a second orgy will indeed take place in the soiled Prius.

That's gold, Jerry!

Second: Hoitz's repeated insistence that South American drug lords are actually behind the criminal conspiracy he and Gamble find themselves involved in. Logic be damned, a Colombian drug cartel is pulling the strings! Nonsensical, and funny.

Third: Polite Fisticuffs. Attending the funeral of supercops Highsmith and Danson, our heroes Hoitz and Gamble get into a very quiet rumble with douchebags Martin and Fosse. Captain Gene (Michael Keaton) breaks up the fight, admonishing his detectives in a hoarse whisper. Nobody wants to create a scene at the funeral. An awkward moment for all involved parties.

Fourth: Tuna V Lion. An argument breaks out between Hoitz and Gamble, concerning the disputed superiority of the proud African Lion against the seemingly humble Tuna. Gamble begins a long-winded rant about the power of the All Mighty Tunafish, and as he keeps speaking, the crazy goes up to 11.

By the time he's finished talking, he's painted a very vivid picture of an army of amphibious Tuna warriors marching over dry land with the help of a crude breathing apparatus fashioned from kelp, conquering the pathetic Lions of Africa with superior strength and numbers. Amazing.

Fifth: Bribes. Late in the game, Gamble and Hoitz are onto the slimy, Ponzi scheming Ershon. They confront the rich bastard, and he attempts to bribe them with courtside tickets to a New York Nicks game. Cut to: Hoitz and Gamble sitting courtside at a New York Nicks game, flanked by Rosie Perez, Brooke Shields, and Tracy Morgan. They eventually come to their senses and realize that they've been tricked, storming out of the arena.

Our heroes confront Ershon once again, and he attempts to bribe them with tickets to the sold-out Broadway hit "Jersey Boys". Cut to: Hoitz and Gamble sitting in the crowd, watching "Jersey Boys", absolutely enchanted by what they're seeing. Fucking genius.

Sixth: GATOR! Detective Gamble has a dark secret. Long ago, while attending college, he became a pimp. It started out innocently enough with a female friend asking Gamble to help her make some extra cash, so that she could afford her rising tuition. But the situation quickly spiraled out of control, and soon Gamble had a stable of coeds under his wing, earning and burning.

Gamble's modest clothing transforms into a garish Technicolor nightmare. His neck, fingers and teeth are covered in gold. He even adopted a new identity: GATOR. Now GATOR is Gamble's dark side. He's a cold, jive-talking, gruff voiced, mean motor scooter, quick to violence to keep his bitches in line.

This flashback sequence culminates in a shot of Will Ferrell-as-GATOR, clutching a chrome plated 9mm in one hand, and a shiny new switchblade in the other, his grotesque golden grill gleaming in harsh light. The camera zooms into GATOR's face, a mask of dead-eyed madness, as he presses the switchblade into his soft cheek.

I laughed so long, and so hard during this moment that I missed perhaps five minutes of the film. I literally could not control myself. This may be the funniest thing I have ever seen.

GATOR wins. Period.

Honorable Mention!

Michael Keaton as "Captain Gene". He randomly inserts TLC song titles into his dialogue. He has a second job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and he's just great. Unfortunately, Keaton has a disappointingly small role. That's the only real problem, here. He needed more screentime.

Sure, But Is Everything Duckie?

Of course, there are some things that don't really work, at least not for me. Rival detectives Martin and Fosse, for one. They're just douchebags. I can't recall them doing anything remotely entertaining. In fact, every time these two popped up onscreen, my excitement level immediately dropped.

Rob Riggle can be funny. He's just not funny in this movie. And Damon Wayans, Jr? No thank you. He not only inherited his father's very distinct voice (which is just plain damn weird), but also his father's middling comedic talent. I'm sure there are people who really enjoyed these two performances. I'm not one of them.

Another problem: The movie feels too long. It's only around 1 hour and 38 minutes without credits, but it still drags. Maybe if McKay cut out the Martin and Fosse characters...

The big shoot-out during the film's climax doesn't really work, either. The action choreography is

mediocre, and it seems forced into the story. Why does there need to be a big shoot-out? Because it's a genre cliche'? I didn't need this. The movie didn't need this. I was expecting a more clever resolution.

Sure, part of the big action sequence was set to "Icky Thump" by The White Stripes, a song that I love, but it didn't really help.

Please Stop Talking About This Movie

I don't want to sound too negative, here. Because I truly enjoyed "The Other Guys". Despite a few flaws, it's a very funny movie, and it's worth your time, Dear Imaginary Reader. I was surprised by the chemistry between Will Ferrell and Marky Mark. Sure, the latter stumbles from time to time, but he manages a few hilarious moments, and he serves as a flamboyant, angry counterpart to Ferrell's repressed character.

Some people don't think that Marky Mark is a terribly gifted comedic actor. I tell those people to watch "The Happening".

So "The Other Guys" was definitely worthwhile.

Because Nobody Demanded It!

Last month, the boys and I decided to make another episode of "The Real Face Of America". That's right, ladies and gentlemen! We made a sequel! Why, you don't ask? Why not, I defiantly exclaim!

The inaugural episode, focusing on the rise and fall of 80's porn sensation Melony Vine, was not exactly a hit on YouTube. To be fair, it has gathered 41 views in its 3+ months online, making it my second most-viewed video, beating my photoplay "Hatlander" by a hair.

It also managed to receive my first official "Dislike" from some disgruntled viewer. Most likely the fellow that posted the rather negative comment, admonishing the video for being amatuerish crap. He didn't even bother to watch the whole thing! I can't blame him for that. I suppose it just wasn't his cup of tea.

The video is amateur hour, though. And I make no apologies for that. All of my videos are amateurish crap. I don't claim to be a professional, or even a seasoned amatuer. I use sub-standard equipment to turn my sub-standard ideas into sub-standard reality.

I know I've said this before, but I basically only post my videos on Internet so that the handful of people that I consider friends can watch them. You see, we don't get to see each other very often, so putting my videos on YouTube allows them to watch the videos whenever they want.

Don't get me wrong, however. It's nice if somebody I don't know finds one of my videos and manages to enjoy it. That's great. Although I don't really understand how somebody else could enjoy these videos. They're made for a very specific, possibly brain-damaged audience.

I also think it's great that this random fellow actually "Disliked" my previous video. 99 percent of the people who have viewed my videos just watch them, and move on. Maybe they liked what they say, maybe they just didn't care for it. This guy actively hated his viewing experience so much so, that he had to share his displeasure with the world.

He had to take an extra second out of his very busy day to click the big "thumbs down" button underneath the video, to warn any future viewers that what they're about to see is awful. I like that. I mean, the guy (or gal, I suppose) actually felt something when he (or she) watched the video. That's great. You can't ask for more than that.

Back to my point, there's a brand-spanking-new episode of "RFA" out there on the series of tubes for you to hate, random person! This episode deals with a series of bizarre murders in a small town with a made-up sounding name. This episode was inspired, in part, by our previous photoplays "Night Ranger" and "Night Ranger 2". It features my good friend Titus in the role of a lifetime. Two roles, actually.

Is it any good? Well, I enjoy it. But I enjoyed the last episode of "RFA", so my taste is highly suspect. The production value, if you can call it that, is slightly higher this time around. I apologize for that. It's also substantially longer, so I doubt anyone will make it to the end of this little masterpiece. You can see it here or just visit my lonely little YouTube channel here.

If you like it, if you hate it, if you're indifferent toward it, and if you have any motivation left after watching this video has destroyed your will to live, let me know. Or don't. Either way, I'm good.