I like the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies. I don't just like the first film, The Curse Of The Black Pearl. I enjoy all three of the previous outings in the biggest motion picture franchise based on an amusement park ride since the Police Academy movies. I will admit that the first film is still the best. It's a relatively tight, self-contained story that features pirates doing things that pirates do, a good sense of humor, and a cursed skeleton monkey.
The plot is pretty simple, really: Jack Sparrow, a lunatic, wants his ship, the Black Pearl, back. And at the end of the film, there he is at the wheel of his beloved Pearl, happy as a pig in shit. If the original film had remained a one-off and had not become the first chapter of a scurvy-riddled cash cow for Disney, it would have had a perfect ending. But of course, we all know what happened next. Johnny Depp's little pirate movie caught fire in the multiplexes of the world, and a sequel was inevitable.
But lo and behold, we were blessed with not one sequel, but two! And they were shot back-to-back! And they told one big story!
As I said, I do enjoy the next two chapters, Dead Man's Chest and At World's End, but I know they have problems. Many of these problems most likely stem from the circumstances of their production. Both sequels were shot one after the other without a break, and neither film ever had a completed script during principal photography. That led to a great deal of confusion in the overarching plot, with the ridiculous amount of double and triple and even quadruple-crosses, the muddled and at times nonsensical motivations of certain characters, and so on.
They're far from perfect, but for some odd reason I enjoyed them. And not just in their natural theatrical setting, either. I revisited all three films earlier this year on DVD and still had a good time. Resurrecting Geoffrey Rush's "Barbossa" character was a great idea. Bill Nighy's portrayal of Davy Jones, as well as ILM's amazing work with his digital likeness, was a huge plus. Nighy brought genuine emotion to his role, turning what could have been a rather cartoonish villain into a somewhat sympathetic, tragic figure. And the digital effects work is nearly seamless.
I have come to understand that most people who have serious problems with the sequels tend to have more issues with the third film, At World's End. And yes, it is a little too long. Not all of the subplots come together in a satisfying manner. There's something bizarre and utterly superfluous about Chow Yun Fat's character. He accomplishes nothing of note. aside from giving Elizabeth Swan his "piece of eight", making her a de facto pirate lord. Whatever the fuck that means.
It's such a strange scene, from beginning to end. Chow Yun Fat's character believes that Elizabeth is the pagan goddess Calypso in human form. So naturally, he tries to rape her. Before he can scratch that item off his bucket list, he gets mortally wounded in an attack by the Flying Dutchman. In his final moments, he realizes that he has been acting in a rather uncivilized manner, so he tries to make up for it by giving his would-be rape victim the honor of becoming a pirate lord.
Why the hell was Chow Yun Fat in this movie? He had ten minutes of screentime, and could have been cut out of the film altogether and nobody would have noticed. The writers could have figured out another way to justify Elizabeth's presence at the big naval battle at the film's climax. It's like his character exists simply to make the audience feel mildly uncomfortable.
Killing the kraken off-screen in between the two sequels was a shitty idea. Elizabeth's rousing speech to her fellow pirates comes across as shortsighted and foolhardy. She's ranting about freedom and tyranny, and she never stops to think about exactly what she's saying. Does she understand what "piracy" is? A pirate's version of "freedom" involves chaotically interrupting international commerce, careless death and destruction, and the perpetuation of a violent, immoral lifestyle.
But her confusion on the subject of piracy is understandable, considering there are no real depictions of pirates actually, you know, being pirates in the damned sequels. Aside from Captain Fat's out-of-nowhere "I'm gonna rape a pagan goddess" lust, the pirates we meet in the second and third films never really seem like pirates. They come across more like a bunch of dilettantes playing pirate dress-up.
And the story sets up a massive battle between the pirate lords and the East India Trading Company, but only the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman ever get involved. Something of a letdown, I must say. But overall, I still enjoy At World's End. Orlando Bloom is a wet blanket in all three films, so his presence in the third film is no more detrimental than in the prior installments. Geoffrey Rush and Bill Nighy are superb. I can never get enough of Kevin McNally as Jack's loyal right hand man Gibbs. I even enjoyed the Keith Richards cameo.
Despite its flaws, I was still entertained by the story, and never found it particularly confusing. The demise of Admiral Beckett, walking calmly across the deck of his flagship as it is torn apart by dual broadsides from the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman, is visually stunning. Jack's eventual triumph over Davy Jones is well done. I heard many complaints from people who were upset because they didn't believe Davy Jones recieved a satisfying death. That's bullshit.
The whole scene is great. After a long, drawn-out duel, Jack finally has the chance to get what he covets most: an eternity as captain of the Flying Dutchman, sailing the seven seas until the end of time. All he has to do is stab the heart of Davy Jones. But he lets his conscience get in the way and helps the mortally wounded Will Turner stab the heart instead. Tumbling off the deck of the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones manages to whisper the name of his beloved Calypso as he falls into the maelstrom. It's a perfect exit. He's going home. Where's the problem?
Maybe Captain Jack Sparrow never wore out his welcome with me. I never got tired of his loopy, rum-soaked rock star schtick. From the beginning of Curse Of The Black Pearl to the end of At World's End, I loved Jack Sparrow. I especially enjoyed the glimpses into Jack's truly fractured psyche in the third film. It's made clear in At World's End that Jack Sparrow is actually mad, in the original sense of the word. He's fucking crazy. And I love that.
Plus, any movie that opens with the hanging of a young boy condemned to death for piracy earns some points in my book. That's fucking dark, man.
And despite any misgivings I may have had with the film itself, its conclusion sets up a stand-alone fourth film rather well. We're left with Barbossa back in control of the Black Pearl, sailing off with his crew to track down the mythical Fountain of Youth with a very special map. Only the middle of the map has been cut out. The film ends with Jack Sparrow alone on a dinghy in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, clutching the missing piece of the map, a crooked smile on his face. I was ready to see that movie as soon as the end credits started rolling.
And maybe that's what the folks disappointed with the bloated sequels to Curse Of the Black Pearl really wanted the franchise to get back to: an exciting, uncomplicated stand-alone film. Is that what we got in Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides?
Where Has All The Fun Gone? Talk About The Movie!
The plot to this film sounds simple enough: Jack Sparrow is looking for the Fountain of Youth. So is his old nemesis, Barbossa, now working for the Crown as a privateer, which is really just a government pirate. Also on the hunt for the Fountain: Blackbeard himself, the baddest motherfucker ever to roam the seven seas. Oh, also the Spanish. Because... the plot demands it? Who will find the Fountain of Youth first, and what will be left of them?
I am not going to simply run through the movie's plot like a spoiler-bot. Not this time. Not because I don't want to ruin the plot for you, Dear Imaginary Reader, because I'm going to end up doing that, anyway. No, I am going to instead discuss what does and doesn't work with On Stranger Tides. Because that's how I roll.
What Doesn't Work: Mermaid Bullshit
We're told that in order to unlock the power of the Fountain of Youth, two things are needed. First, two silver chalices are required to drink the Fountain's waters. Second, the tear of a mermaid is needed to spike one of the chalices. Why? Because the Fountain of Youth is a big moral dilemma: two people drink from the chalices, and the one drinking from the mermaid tear-spiked chalice takes in the life force of the poor bastard drinking from the unsullied chalice.
Mermaid tears? A terrible sacrifice required to take advantage of the Fountain's fabled power? Sure, I can roll with that. But it's the mermaids themselves that don't work. Portrayed as nothing more than vampires with fish tails that inexplicably shoot webs like fucking Spider-Man, I was never on board with this subplot. The sequence where the crew of Blackbeard's ship, the Queen Anne's Revenge, attempts to capture a mermaid, is supposed to be thrilling, but it fails to connect. It degenerates into a confusing, noisy mess of mermaids screeching, splashing about, spinning mucus webs, and dragging hapless pirates into the depths.
And the mermaid subplot refuses to go away. Eventually, the crew gets lucky in capturing a single mermaid, after she shows mercy on a Christian missionary captured by Blackbeard. She saves this boring son of a bitch's life, and gets pinned under a rock for her trouble. Because the mermaid tears have to be fresh when Blackbeard dares to drink from the Fountain, his crew has to drag the mermaid along with them in a glass coffin throughout the remainder of their journey. And wouldn't you know it, the boring missionary falls in love with the fucking mermaid.
The film stubbornly continues to shove this pointless and unnecessary subplot down the audience's collective throat, leading to a conclusion that fails to make anybody care. During the film's climax, the boring missionary is mortally wounded, and the mermaid saves his life by dragging him down into the sea, so that he can join her as a half-fish mutant in the thrall of almighty Dagon.
Who gives a shit? Who ever gave a shit about these two pitiful excuses for characters? Why waste so much fucking time on two utterly superfluous caricatures who bring nothing of note to the narrative? Because we needed a love story? Bah.
What Does Work: Blackbeard
Ian McShane gives a real performance in On Stranger Tides. His Blackbeard is a cruel, callous dude. He doesn't give a damn about anybody else, not even his own daughter, played by Penelope Cruz. He carries himself with a quiet menace, outwardly expressing a calm, almost aloof nature. But the subtle (yes, there's something subtle in a fucking Pirates Of The Caribbean movie) changes in his body language, coupled with his perpetual icy stare, illustrate Blackbeard as a man who is absolutely ready, even cruelly anticipating any opportunity to wreck anybody who crosses him in even the most inconsequential manner. He's also funny.
If you've ever seen the late, lamented HBO original series Deadwood, then you already know all about McShane's legendary performance as Al "Cocksucker" Swearengen. If you've never seen Deadwood, then fuck you. When McShane was cast as Blackbeard, I was excited. It just felt right. And he did not disappoint. Although now this means Ian McShane will probably never play Blackbeard in a "real" pirate movie, which is a shame. Because the story of the real Blackbeard is a fascinating one.
What Doesn't Work: Blackbeard's A Wizard
My problem with Blackbeard in On Stranger Tides has nothing to do with Ian McShane's characterization. He's one of the best things in this movie. No, my ire rests with the decision to turn Blackbeard into a fucking sorcerer.
I understand that the Pirates franchise has been linked with the supernatural from the very start. But for this film, what is the purpose of granting Blackbeard mastery of the black arts? The cinematic Blackbeard can control the rigging of his ship apparently with his mind, causing it to string up potential mutineers. He can summon a supernatural wind to fill his sails. He captures other vessels and can inexplicably place them in small bottles, which he keeps in a growing collection housed in his private quarters. The Queen Anne's Revenge can belch fire!
Several members of his crew are fucking zombies. Not voodoo zombies, but literal undead motherfuckers. And one of them can see the future. What? This is actually the reason why Blackbeard is searching for the Fountain of Youth. One of his psychic zombie crewmen had a premonition, seeing Blackbeard's death at the hands of a one-legged man.
I don't recall ever hearing anything remotely resembling an explanation as to how or why Blackbeard has magical powers in the movie. I don't understand why this is in the movie. The real Blackbeard wasn't cool enough, so the writers had to make him a fucking necromancer? This is completely unnecessary.
What Doesn't Work: Jack Sparrow
I must stress that once again, my problem is not with the actor's portrayal, here. Johnny Depp is fine as Jack Sparrow in the film. His character is a little older, perhaps a little wiser in this film, but inside he's still a hotbox of crazy. And his interplay with Kevin McNally as Gibbs is still one of the highlights for me. Any scene those two share is borderline hilarious, at least to my deranged mind.
My problem with Jack Sparrow in On Stranger Tides lies in what the creative parties involved decided to do with him. What I mean is, I'm still not sure they knew what to do with Captain Jack. Removed from the Elizabeth Swan/Will Turner romance of the previous films, Jack Sparrow is set up as the primary protagonist of the latest movie. Which can certainly work, if done properly.
Except... Jack Sparrow doesn't really do anything. At the conclusion of At World's End, Jack's own conscience thwarted him when he made Will Turner the new captain of The Flying Dutchman. But being an eternal optimist, Jack set off with a mutilated map and essentially nothing else to find another way to sail the sea forever: the Fountain of Youth. Good set-up.
Only in On Stranger Tides, Jack could give less than a shit about the Fountain of Youth. He's not even looking for the damned thing. He doesn't even seem to care about reclaiming The Black Pearl. I don't know what Jack Sparrow is doing in the movie. The Royal English Navy tries to enlist Jack to join Barbossa's privateer crew to beat the Spanish to the Fountain, but Jack wants nothing to do with them.
He's eventually captured by Blackbeard and forced into helping the legendary pirate in his quest to find the Fountain, with the help of a little Jack Sparrow voodoo doll. This is supposed to be our protagonist! A man with no goal! It's mind-boggling. Later on, I can understand why Jack decides to stick around Blackbeard, and it's not Penelope Cruz. We're told that he had a fling with the lovely Angelica some years ago, and there's still some chemistry there, but there's no lover's spark there. Jack seems to care more about her in a "little sister" way.
Once upon a time, Angelica was training to be a nun. I don't know what you call that, exactly. She was in nun school? A nunnery? A convent? Anyhow, Jack, hiding out from the authorities, broke into the convent, mistaking it for a brothel. He seduced Angelica, making wild pirate love to her, then disappeared the next morning. Apparently, this experience really screwed the poor girl up, and she turned her back on God, becoming a filthy pirate, herself. Jack feels at least partially responsible for this, and seems to stick around because he wants to help her.
But that's too flimsy. No, the real reason why Jack stays onboard the Queen Anne's Revenge is because Blackbeard has The Black Pearl in his collection of captured vessels (more on that later), and he just needs to find the right opportunity to steal it back. At least this gives Jack some motivation, and by this point the movie is half over. It's terrible to realize that this movie's primary protagonist has no real stake in the plot. Why did Jack stop looking for the Fountain? Why does he suddenly not care? What's changed?
Unfortunately, the film's writers were not intelligent enough to come up with any real answers, leaving the star of the film adrift in the narrative. A terrible mistake.
What Doesn't Work: The Spanish
The mysterious third party involved in the quest for the Fountain of Youth, the Spanish exist only to generate conflict. We never get to know any of them as characters. They're just a bunch of Spaniards on a boat. Until the climax of the film, when they show up at the strange, mirror universe location of the Fountain. Then they decide to destroy it, because it's "against God". This leads to a three-way battle between the Spanish, Blackbeard's crew, and Barbossa's men, which is fine.
It's a decent action sequence, don't get me wrong. But why, tell me why the Spanish would bother to bring the two silver chalices to the Fountain, if they always intended to destroy the damned thing? They could have melted down the chalices on their ship, rendering the Fountain of Youth entirely useless. It's a boneheaded decision. It makes no sense! Something else that makes no sense: why the Spanish are in this movie. They're not needed.
What Works: BARBOSSA!
Johnny Depp may be "the star" of On Stranger Tides, but Geoffrey Rush is the real protagonist. Introduced as a privateer, ostensibly working for the English to find the Fountain of Youth, Barbossa doesn't give a damn about any of that. He's really just using the resources of the English navy to get his revenge on Blackbeard.
You see, in between movies, Blackbeard and his crew set upon The Black Pearl without warning, slaughtering Barbossa's men, taking the Pearl, and leaving Barbossa himself barely alive, and minus one leg. Consumed with rage, Barbossa will stop at nothing to exact righteous vengeance upon his nemesis. There's some fucking motivation!
It's great to see Barbossa's odd transformation in the film, starting out as a foppish, sycophantic lackey of his English benefactors, even dressing the part, complete with a ridiculous powdered wig. As soon as he sets out on the high sea, Barbossa slowly casts aside all pretenses of nobility around his crew, acting more and more like the lawless pirate he really is.
It's great seeing Barbossa act like a true, devious pirate in the film, playing nice with the English, using their money and resources to further his own goals, dragging his loyal-to-the-Crown crew with him on this treacherous journey, and using them up until he is the last man standing. The only thing that matters to him is killing Blackbeard, and he won't let anything or anyone stop him from accomplishing this goal.
He's the best character in the movie, and Geoffrey Rush clearly loves his job. Barbossa is a violent, cunning bastard in On Stranger Tides, and he's the reason to see it. He even has a short adventure with Jack Sparrow later on, as they try to hunt down the two silver chalices. It's a really fun sequence, probably the most entertaining in the movie.
I love it because the two characters work really well together despite their differences, and it really sells their backstory. One might forget that Jack and Barbossa used to be really good friends at one point, until Barbossa stole The Black Pearl out from under Jack.
There's a short moment involving the two pirates on Ponce de León's old ship, with both Jack and Barbossa sharing a bed (don't ask) with the dessicated corpse of the man himself. Jack plucks an old map out of the corpse's hand, and the corpse's eyeless skull slowly turns and stares at him. Barbossa gently whispers "put the map back", and after Jack does, the skull turns away, contented. I don'tknow why I found this hilarious, but I just couldn't stop laughing.
What Works: The Conclusion
With his goal accomplished and the prophecy fulfilled with Blackbeard's death (spoilers!), Barbossa takes control of the Queen Anne's Revenge, as well as Blackbeard's mastery of the dark arts with the late pirate's magical sword. As Barbossa summons the wind to fill his sails, the musical score sounds rather ominous, which doesn't make any sense to me. This is a triumphant moment. After all, Barbossa is the real star of the damned movie. Doesn't the movie understand that?!
Meanwhile, Gibbs shows up to meet Jack with a big, heavy bag. Ealier in the film, Jack sent Gibbs off with his special compass. You remember the compass, right? The one that will point you to what you desire the most? That's the one. Gibbs wanted the Black Pearl, and the compass pointed him right to it, onboard the Queen Anne's Revenge, which was unmanned at the time.
But Gibbs didn't just take back the Black Pearl. He stole every ship Blackbeard had in his collection. So now, as soon as Jack and Gibbs figure out a way to free these ships from their bottles, they'll have an entire fleet at their disposal. Another fine ending, in the Pirates tradition. Now if only the next film (and there will be another) can live up to that ending...
In the end, I was entertained by On Stranger Tides, but it's my least favorite of the four films. Blackbeard as a character was great, and Barbossa's story was aces, but aside from that, there's not much to recommend. If the story had given Jack Sparrow an actual motivation, things would have been vastly improved. As it is, it's not so hot.
 |
| It's just like The Hangover, Part II! |
Hey! Do you like The Hangover? Then you'll love The Hangover, Part II! Why? Because it's the same movie, in Thailand! That's it. That's all it is. I saw this movie, but I don't really want to talk about it. Because it's just a remake of The Hangover, with ladyboy hookers. It made me laugh a little, but it felt too familiar. Every major plot point from the first film has been included in the sequel. I guess I really didn't like it. But it's making a shit ton of money, so that means there's going to be a third Hangover. I hope that the next movie does something different with the formula.
The only thing I really, really liked in The Hangover, Part II is this. I nearly died laughing. I am a soulless bastard.
P.S. - A review of X-Men: First Class is on its way. Also: a new podcast. Also: that's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment