Martians Love Kuato. They Think He's Fuckin' George Washington!

This is it, my friends. At long last, we've reached the end of Kuato Appreciation Month.

Over the last month, we've all learned a great deal about this once-mystrerious, sweaty little troll. For too long, people have simply taken Kuato for granted. You just sit back and watch Total Recall on your TV, drinking heavily, and let the majesty of Paul Verhoeven's epic Martian masterpiece wash over you.

We all have our favorite moments and characters. Who doesn't love Michael Ironside as henchman Richter, and his classic elevator-related comeuppance at the hands (get it?!) of Arnold Schwarzenegger? "See you at the party, Richter!" may just be one of the finest one-liners in the history of action cinema. And what about Sharon Stone getting shot in the face? Who doesn't want to see that?

We've got the hilarious escapades of Quaid and Benny, who has six- no wait, I think it's five- kids to feed. This leads to Benny's death via a giant mining drill and another classic line: "Screw you, Benny!" For the more discerning viewer, the film features a three-breasted hooker and Johnnycab, the friendly robot taxi service. Ronny Cox drops in to class up the joint as the slimy, villainous Cohaagen.

There just isn't enough Ronny Cox in cinema.

Factoid: during the film's climax, when Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rachel Ticotin are stranded on the Martian surface, suffocating to death, there are no special effects used. You remember those horrific moments where the camera holds obscenely close to the puffy, strangling faces of our heroes as their eyes bug out and their tongues loll out. Who could forget that?

But those are not prosthetic heads. No, those are our actors. Really! There were animatronic heads created, but the actors were so dedicated, they horribly contorted their bodies and faces to truly unrealistic lengths on cue. Unfortunately, dedication has its price. After this sequence was filmed, both actors had to be rushed to the hospital. Apparently, they both pushed their bodies beyond their physical limits, and caused severe damage to their eyes.

While Schwarzenegger, being one of the biggest stars in the world, received a top-secret medical eye transplant courtesy of the U.S. government and a star-struck ten year-old who dedicated his eyes to his favorite actor. Rachel Ticotin, not being the biggest star in the world, was not so lucky. In fact, it was not until Schwarzenegger heard about his co-star's plight that anything was done to help the poor woman. He donated a pair of prosthetic eyes given to him by his Twins co-star Danny DeVito two years earlier at that film's wrap party.

(Danny DeVito has an extensive collection of prosthetic body parts, the second biggest in the world, right behind Michael Bay. This macabre hobby is actually responsible for DeVito's unholy union with Rhea Perlman. They met at a prosthetics sales convention, and the rest is history.)

While not as useful as a real pair of eyes, Ticotin was nonetheless grateful for this touching gift. Blind since 1990, if you closely watch Ticotin in any of her subsequent roles, you may notice the presence of her seeing-eye dog, Oakie. Filmmakers have gone out of their way to hide Ticotin's blindness on-screen, and in her films, Oakie is often disguised as a piece of scenery, like a chair or suitcase, or in the case of 1997's Con Air, as co-star Mykelti Williamson.

The film's got it all: action, intrigue, a real mind-fuck of an identity crisis, exploding heads, Roy Brocksmith, midgets, snappy dialogue, Martian vagrants, holograms, Austrian bodybuilders in drag, and hatchet-faced revolutionaries. What more could you possibly ask for?

How about Kuato? It was this wise mutant who spoke the wise words "You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." These are the words that eventually formed a new religion: Kuatology. But that's not what I'm here to discuss. Not today, on this final week of Kuato Appreciation Month.

Below, you will find the riveting podcast known only as The Kuato Tapes. It contains information that will shock you to your core. Listen to it. Absorb it. Become one with the majesty that is Kuato.

Your brain will thank you.

The Kuato Tapes



This concludes Kuato Appreciation Month here at The Book Of Lies. We do hope you've enjoyed celebrating the life and works of this amazing public figure with us these past four weeks. Although this journey is over, always remember to carry Kuato with you, in your heart.

Next time that little voice in your head tells you to rob a liquor store, heed its sage wisdom. For that little voice in your head is Kuato, steering you down the path of despair and iniquity.

In Kuato We Trust.