A Rainbow Bridge Over Troubled Water

This is a very long, rambling post. Moreso than usual!

Twilight Of The Nerd - A Mythological Prologue

I've always loved Norse mythology. Ever since I was a small child, it seemed to call to me. I used to read a lot of comic books (shocker!), and among those mighty Marvel periodicals I routinely enjoyed was The Mighty Thor. When I was very young, I didn't know that the colorful characters depicted in this lovely comic were, in fact, based upon a very real (and now very dead) religion.

When I was 8 years old, I was thumbing through an encyclopedia in the school library, and happened upon the entry for Thor, himself. Imagine my surprise, coming across a comic book superhero in an encyclopedia! Imagine my greater surprise to discover that the "Thor" depicted in this reference book was something else, entirely. I read through the entry three times, absolutely enthralled by the story I had found. Thor wasn't created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1962, I was shocked to learn. No, he was an ancient deity, one aspect of a polytheistic religion that flourished in the Iron Age, predating Christianity.

I spent the next several months learning everything I could about these old gods, thanks to my doting grandmother, who encouraged in me a voracious appetite for reading, and was always willing to drive me to the public library. I received my library card before I could tie my own shoes, and I was always very proud to present it to the clerk at the front desk when I checked out another load of often large, cumbersome hardcover books. This was how I educated myself regarding the Norse gods.

That summer, I immersed myself in the world of the Aesir. And the stories were absolutely fascinating to my developing mind. Powerful Odin, alongside his brothers Vili and Ve, slew the frost giant Ymir and used his flesh to create Midgard (Earth), using his blood to form the oceans, his bones and teeth the mountains, and his hair the vegetation. They then placed his massive skull above the world to create the sky, and scattered his brains to create clouds. They even took the maggots that festered in Ymir's corpse and transformed them into trolls, dwarves, and elves!

Now that's a creation myth! "Let there be light"? That shit's boring. The Aesir felled their mortal enemy in a titanic struggle at the dawn of time and tore his corpse apart to create the world. That's how it's done.

I love Odin. He sacrificed one of his eyes to gain knowledge of all things at Mimir's well, and learned that all things, even gods, must die. He hanged himself from the branches of Yggdrasil, the World Tree, for nine days and nights, to harness the terrible power of runecraft. He created the Valkyries, beautiful warrior-maidens, who spirit away the souls of warriors who die valiantly in battle. The Valkyries bring these brave souls to Valhalla, the fabled palace where they gather to fight all day and feast all night, in preparation for Ragnarok, the twilight of the gods.

That's some idea of paradise, right there. A legion of drunken warriors, hacking away at each other from sunrise to sunset, then retiring to the great dining hall after dark to glut themselves on roasted boar and mead until they pass out, only to wake up and start over again with the coming dawn. Odin never ate, himself. He preferred to drink mead. And only mead. It should be clear to you by now that this religion isn't for pussies.

Among Odin's children are Thor, the god of storms, Balder, the god of light, Hodur, the blind god of darkness, Tyr, the god of single combat, and Vidar, the god of vengeance.

Obviously, the most famous of these gods is Thor, the badass ginger deity whose temper ran so hot, he alone could never pass over Bifrost, the rainbow bridge, lest he burn it up. Thor spent most of his time drinking, fucking, picking fights with frost giants, and glaring at Jormungand, the Midgard serpent.

He was a man of few words, who preferred to let his enchanted hammer Mjolnir do the talking. And by "talking", I mean "annihilating the heads of his enemies". He had a bad temper, but he was a patron of humanity, a man of the people.

That's one of the things I truly like about the Norse pantheon: they weren't assholes to the human race. Sure, from time to time, mortals became unwilling pawns in their godly games, but there was never any true malice involved. Unlike the Greeks gods, who took great pleasure in fucking with human beings at every turn, the Aesir took their jobs as stewards of Midgard seriously. They didn't see their creations as playthings, but as their children, and they usually treated them as such. It's so refreshing to see gods act like fucking gods, and not drunken sociopaths playing with their anatomically-correct dolls.

The other thing that truly set the Aesir apart from the gods of other polytheistic religions was the fact that they were also destined to die. Seething with jealousy, Loki, the god of fire, sought to kill radiant Balder, so he tricked blind Hodur into slaying his brother with a shaft of mistletoe fired from his longbow. Odin dispatched his swift son Hermod to the underworld to beg the goddess Hel to release Balder from her clutches. Hel promised she would do just that, but only if every creature in creation would mourn Balder's passing by shedding a tear. And every being in all the nine realms did mourn the loss of fair Balder.

All except for Loki, ensuring Balder would remain in Hel's domain. When Odin learned of Loki's treachery, he had the malignant god bound under the head of a terrible serpent, using the entrails of one of Loki's own children to bind him. The serpent's powerful venom dripped down upon Loki, who writhed in agony. Serves him right. Another of Odin's sons, Vali, cut down poor Hodur in a fit of rage.

The death of beloved Balder heralded the coming of Ragnarok, and the end of the gods. When Heimdall, the watchman of Bifrost, sounded the horn Gjallerhorn, the Aesir knew the end had finally come. But these gods did not lament their fate. They rode out bravely, determined to meet their ends with valor.

Odin was slain by the all-devouring wolf Fenris, Thor felled the Midgard serpent, but was soon overcome by the beast's venom and fell. Loki died at the hands of Heimdall, who then succumbed to his own wounds. Tyr and the beast Garm shared the same fate. Odin's son Vidar grasped the gaping jaws of Fenris and tore him asunder. At the conclusion of this climactic battle, the giant Surtr engulfed all realms in an apocalyptic fire.

Some time later, slain brothers Balder and Hodur, freed from the underworld, ventured to the untouched field Idavold, where Asgard once stood. Vali and Vidar soon followed. Thor's sons Magni and Modi, having retrieved their father's hammer Mjolnir, joined their uncles at this place to remember their fallen brethren.

Meanwhile, back on Midgard, two human beings, called Lif and Lifthrasir, miraculously survived the conflict, and as the world heals, their progeny will repopulate the world. I love that stuff. It's just a big, sprawling epic.

Fun fact: when Christian missionaries traveled to Northern Europe in an effort to convert the pagan population, in an effort to smooth their transition to Christianity, the missionaries claimed that Ragnarok had already occurred. They told the natives that the apocalypse of the Aesir had come to pass, and that the world had been renewed by the god Jehova. They presented the Book of Genesis as proof of this claim, with the two humans remaining at the end of Ragnarok, Lifthasir and Lif, actually being Adam and Eve.

Presenting this new religion to the pagans in this manner was very clever, because it doesn't negate the validity of their old beliefs. This way, the Aesir were real, their time had come and gone, and the world belonged to a new, singular deity. Very crafty.

By Odin's Beard! - More (Four Color) Prologue

What does this have to do with the recent blockbuster motion picture Thor, you may ask? Very little, actually. I just wanted to ramble about one of my favorite subjects for a little while. This is my blog, after all. I can write about whatever I want. Hell, if I want to dedicate an entire month to a celebration of an ancillary character from a certain Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi action flick, I can do just that. Oh wait, I DID. Damn.

Even after learning all I did about the historical Thor and his kin, I still read the monthly exploits of his four color counterpart with some regularity. I essentially stopped collecting comic books after a house fire wiped out my collection in 1997, but I still occasionally pick up a collection or two if I find one that catches my eye at the local book store. And Thor always interested me.

In the Marvel Universe, the Asgardians always stood out, surrounded by the science-and-technology-heavy likes of the Avengers and the Fantastic Four. Not to say that there isn't magic in the Marvel U. Far from it, actually. Doctor Strange, being the "Sorcerer Supreme", regularly battles the forces of darkness. And Ghost Rider is either a demon bound in human form, or an ethereal spirit of vengeance, depending on which incarnation you choose.

For crying out loud, Spider-Man recently made a deal with Mephisto (big red devil dude) to save his Aunt May's life in exchange for dissolving his happy marriage to Mary Jane, ret-conning it out of existence. Seriously, the fucking Devil couldn't think of anything better to ask of Peter Parker. That's fucking stupid.

You know what, all that crap I said earlier about Norse Gods standing out in the Marvel U? Forget it. It's not true. These folks have seen stranger shit setting fire to pedestrians on 42nd Street. Besides, the big brains at Marvel HQ have repeatedly stated that the Asgardians are not, in fact, gods, but rather immortal alien beings that were mistaken for gods when they arrived on Earth a few thousand years ago. So that takes care of that.

I suppose, however, that my original statement holds true for the cinematic Marvel Universe, as established in the two Iron Man movies and The Incredible Hulk. No supernatural shit there. Just really flimsy science. I wondered how the big, fanciful exploits of the God of Thunder would fare in this big tech-friendly movie universe. Well, I didn't wonder. Not really. I couldn't give a shit when the Thor movie was announced, and I couldn't give a shit now.

I was just terribly excited about the fact that a fucking Thor movie was coming. It was real. Somebody was making a real Thor movie. And that awful Incredible Hulk TV movie from the 1980's doesn't count. Although I always found it funny that Thor kept referring to the Hulk as "the troll" in that story. It was still terrible, and the less said about it, the better.

Like So Much Volleyball! - A Brief Cinematic Prologue

That brings me, finally, to Thor, the big-screen debut for everybody's favorite Nordic deity. Directed by Kenneth Branagh. You know, the Shakespeare guy. I really like Mr. Branagh. I remember seeing his adaptation of Henry V for the first time on VHS in the early 1990's, and being completely blown away.

I thought the opening sequence, with Derek Jacobi speaking in an empty soundstage, was inspired. Something many people with no familiarity of Henry V may not know that the play opens with the Chorus character speaking directly to the audience, essentially asking the audience to suspend their disbelief regarding the sweeping scope of the upcoming story, due to the limitations of the stage. Branagh, having no such limitations in a feature film, reinvented the opening monologue to suit this new medium, and I thought it was brilliant.

And Branagh himself, serving as both the director and the star as the titular king, was fantastic. His "St. Crispin's Day" speech still gives me chills. And to think the man was only 28 when he made this film. The son of a bitch knows his Bard.

I remember how excited I was to finally rent his massive adaptation of Hamlet when it released on home video. I was never able to see it theatrically, which upsets me. It's the last movie to date to be filmed in 70mm, and I never got the chance to see it the way it deserves to be seen. Branagh's film is also the first unabridged cinematic Hamlet, running over four hours in length. One sweltering summer night, I sat alone in my bedroom, a nerdy teenager, watching this 242 minute epic.

Trust me, I had nothing better to do. I'd rather watch a movie than "go out and play". That's been my policy since the third grade. I'm what is commonly known as a "shut-in".

When the film concluded well after midnight, I sat in bed, staring at the end credits as they scrolled by on my 20 inch TV/VCR. I absolutely loved the film. It was beautiful to look at, and acted wonderfully. Except for Billy Crystal as the gravedigger. What the fuck was he doing in this movie? I eagerly bought the Blu-Ray of Branagh's Hamlet shortly after Christmas, and watched it on my 40 inch LCD TV, and it brought me right back to those magical summer nights, discovering so many amazing movies on VHS all those years ago.

Shit, I'm getting nostalgic. My lawyer warned me about this.

I guess I'm just a Kenneth Branagh fan. I love the guy. Dead Again may not be a masterpiece, but I think it's more clever than people give it credit for. Wait, do people even think about Dead Again? I'm not sure. I mean, I do, but I'm not most people. It's a film about past lives, and it has an interesting twist that my 12 year-old self never saw coming. Gender confusion!

I liked the idea of Branagh directing a Thor movie. Considering the characters involved, it seemed like a cool idea. I think the story of the Norse gods is rather Shakespearean, in a way. Of course, the Marvel Universe Thor is not even close to the mythological Thor, but there are obvious similarities. But the past is just a canceled check! Did the movie actually work?

Forsooth! - Marvel's Thor

Thor tells the story of... well, Thor. He's the cocky, prickish son of Odin, the one-eyed All-Father and bearded man's man. The realms of Asgard, home of the Aesir, and Jotunheim, home of the frost giants, have existed in an uneasy peace for centuries, ever since Odin led the charge to save the world of men from the invading cold ones, in the process confiscating their sacred "Casket of Ancient Winters". This casket flash-freezes shit. Useful for frost giants, I suppose.

They're understandably upset about the loss of their sacred ice box, and break into the... vault of Asgard, I guess, to steal their Casket of Ancient Winters back. They are thwarted by the Destroyer, a big, empty suit of armor which will seriously ruin your day if you're in its path. In response, Thor, convinced by his slimy brother Loki, travels to Jotunheim to kick some frost giant ass with his pals Sif and the Warriors Three. The frost giant king Laufey taunts the thunder god, and battle is joined.

In terms of sheer badassery, this is probably the best seqience in the movie. Thor's companions hold their own against the frost giants, but Thor himself is a force of nature. He swings mighty Mjolnir through brittle frost giant heads, summons lightning to fry up his enemies, fractures the landscape with terrible blows, and even propels himself through the skull of a giant, toothy monster, killing it with ease. If allowed to continue his rampage, it seems likely that Thor would have single-handedly wiped out the frost giants as a race, and then he would have gotten drunk and felt really, really good about himself.

Buzzkill Odin intervenes, dragging his punchy son back to Asgard by his ear. This is not a dignified victory for the Odinson. Big Daddy strips his son of his godly power and banishes him to Earth. To teach him a lesson. He also casts down Mjolnir, enchanting the magical hammer with a spell allowing only one who is worthy to wield it. This is pretty much standard Marvel Thor stuff right here. In the comics, Odin originally cast his son down to earth in the body of a crippled doctor named Donald Blake, who would tap his walking stick on the ground in order to transform into the mighty Thor to handily strike down his enemies.

I understand why the movie did away with that wrinkle, instead tossing the Donald Blake character under the bus as an unseen shitty ex-boyfriend of earthling Jane Foster. I still think it would have been interesting to see the film follow the comic book origin a little closer. Maybe Kenneth Branagh could have played Donald Blake! Ah, I'm daydreaming, again.

Thor stumbles around in an empty field and gets run over by Jane Foster, who is not a nurse in this story, but rather a novice astrophysicist who is researching wormholes. Luckily for her, Thor and wormholes go hand-in-hand. One of the film's additions to the mythology from the comic is the reinvention of Bifrost, the rainbow bridge. In the comics, Bifrost is literally just a big rainbow that leads from Asgard to Midgard. In the film, there is a glass-like prismatic bridge that leads to Bifrost, itself, which is now an observatory-like fortification that can create portals to other realms. Wormholes, in other words. It is operated by Heimdall, the imposing gatekeeper, a man of few words with a thousand-yard glare that could make a Hell's Angel piss his chaps.

I really like this addition, which helps ground the Asgardians as beings not of magic, but of a science that we humans can't fully comprehend. That doesn't answer any questions about enchanted hammers and the like, but we can't always get what we want.

Back in Asgard, Odin falls into the dreaded Odinsleep, which is basically a comatose state he enters to restore his power. I love how this is mentioned in the film, as if it's something the audience should already know about. There's never any real explanation given in the film. It's just called "Odinsleep". I knew what the Asgardians were talking about, being a long-time comic book nerd, but I could see the looks of confusion on the faces around me.

Loki, being the only remaining heir, assumes the throne of Asgard. We learn that Loki never thought his brother Thor was worthy to take the throne, being an impetuous cock, and that he arranged for the frost giants to secretly enter Asgard in order to incur the wrath of Thor. With his cocksure sibling out of the way, he sneaks King Laufey into Asgard, seemingly to kill the sleeping Odin, but Loki shows up and slays the old frost giant instead, with Odin's wife Frigga as a witness to his "heroism". Then he decides to sabatoge Bifrost, overloading the device so that it will destroy Jotunheim once and for all through some convoluted means.

Why does he do this? Because he wants to prove to Odin that he, the second-rate son, was always the better choice to rule Asgard in Thor's stead. Nevermind the fact that he's actually a frost giant, himself. Abandoned by Laufey as an infant, being a runt, Odin discovered baby Loki after the big frost giant war hundreds of years ago. He took pity on the child, and brought him back to Asgard to raise as his own, alongside Thor. Loki has serious daddy issues.

On Earth, Thor wanders through New Mexico, doing a little (but not too much, praise Odin) of the standard fish-out-of-water schtick. SHIELD agents discover Mjolnir in the desert, drawing a crowd of yokels attempting to move the hammer from its crater in some hilarious twist on the "sword in the stone" aspect of the King Arthur legend. This leads to a surprisingly funny cameo from Stan Lee himself as an idiot who destroys his truck trying to drag Mjolnir away. He was credited as "Stan The Man" in the end credits. I laughed.

Meanwhile, Thor and Jane are feeling that animal attraction. As soon as she sees him without his shirt, she giggles like a school girl. Thor gives him the bedroom eyes and she swoons. I don't know if these characters believeably fell in love during the course of this film, but they sure as shitfire fell in lust.

When Thor learns that Mjolnir is out in the desert, he rushes to retrieve his birthright, only to find that SHIELD has created a secret agent shantytown around the hammer since we last saw it. He sneaks in at night, beats the shit out of a bunch of people, and gets stared at by Hawkeye for a while. Seriously, what the fuck was the point of this? The film introduces the character of Hawkeye, played by Jeremy Renner, then does nothing with him. He hangs out in a cherry picker, draws his bow, watches Thor punch some folks, then just fucks off.

I understand that this cameo was added in post-production, which explains why Hawkeye accomplishes nothing, but what I don't understand is why they bothered. It's pointless fan service. Sure, I guess it's cool to see Hawkeye show up, but it would have been cooler if he, you know, actually did something.

Thor finally battles his way to Mjolnir, and attempts to pick it up. Being unworthy, he fails. I love how the moment plays out. You can really see the rage and frustration on Thor's face when he realizes that he can't budge Mjolnir. After this failure, instead of fighting, he simply allows himself to be captured by SHIELD agents. All the fight's just gone out of him. Poor fella.

Stellan Skarsgard shows up at Hammerville, telling the SHIELD boys that Thor's really just a drunken colleague having a nervous breakdown. Somehow this half-assed explanation actually works, and Thor is allowed to leave. Perhaps Stellan Skarsgard just has a trusting face.

Angry Loki dispatches the Destroyer to Earth to kill his now-mortal brother, but luckily Thor learns a valuable lesson in humility just in time to restore his power, summoning Mjolnir to save the frightened people of... wherever the fuck this movie takes place. He slams the Destroyer around for a few minutes, then he swings Mjolnir around and around, creating a badass electric whirlwind which destroys his metallic foe. Man, Thor never had this easy a time with the Destroyer in the comics.

Thor returns to Asgard to fuck his brother up, vowing to return to his "beloved" Jane in time. He trades blows with his sinister sibling for a while, before finally laying him out. I love how Thor rests Mjolnir on Loki's chest after he defeats him, preventing Loki from getting up. It's a damned effective restraint.

Loki tells Thor that he can't stop Bifrost from destroying Jotunheim, and I'm wondering why Thor would want to stop it. But apparently Thor has learned the virtue of mercy, and decides that the only way to prevent the annihilation of the frost giants is to destroy Bifrost, itself, stranding him on Asgard and away from the current love of his life. Thor retrieves Mjolnir and starts John Henry-ing the rainbow bridge, destroying Bifrost in a brilliant explosion that sends both Thor and Loki tumbling into the abyss.

In a most-fortuitous coincidence, a freshly rested Odin shows up in the nick of time to save Thor from oblivion. Loki, sadly, tumbles off into the void. The film ends with Thor stranded on Asgard, speaking with Heimdall, who now holds his vigil at the shattered remnants of the rainbow bridge. He asks Heimdall if he can see Jane on Earth with his awesome eyes, and Heimdall replies in the affirmative. He tells Thor that she has continued working on her wormhole theories, in an effort to find the well-toned abdominal muscles she fell in love with. Cue bombastic end credits sequence!

Verily! - Lame Analysis

Is Thor a good movie? Yes, I suppose it is. It's certainly not a great movie, but I was entertained. Like every other Marvel Universe movie thus far, Thor hits a second act lull where it's stranded trying to tell its story with very little action to throw around. I'm not sure if this is due to budget limitations, or just lazy screenwriting, but the second act spends a little too much time with Thor's new physicist pals and the SHIELD agent shenanigans, and not enough time with the titular thunder god.

Question: Why did Jane Foster have to be a scientist, and not a nurse (or perhaps in an updated origin, a doctor)? The only real reason I can see for this change is to shoehorn her character into the SHIELD b-story, because after Thor appears in New Mexico, Agent Coulson and his cronies show up to confiscate all of her research materials. Then at the end of the movie, they give it all back to Jane, so that she can continue her research. For the government.

I don't think this movie really needed SHIELD. The story would have worked just fine without them. In fact, it may have worked better. Thor didn't need to confront SHIELD agents to find his hammer. The story could have kept the growing crowds of yokels attempting to extricate Mjolnir from the crater, and Thor could have just been another guy trying his hand at lifting the unliftable object. Sure, it removes a short action sequence from a film that I've already mentioned has too few, but there is plenty of room for more action. They could have made the big Destroyer fight last a little longer than five minutes, that way.

Jane didn't need to be a scientist coincidentally working on some vague wormhole project when the Odinson is cast down to Earth via a damned wormhole. She could have been a local doctor who treats an injured Thor after he gets into a nasty altercation with the police, for example. The story could still keep Kat Dennings as her plucky nurse pal instead of a college intern, and Stellan Skarsgard could have been her hospital's chief of staff and remain Jane's mentor. The film could have spent a little more time in Asgard, with all of the colorful characters that inhabit it, leaving more room for god vs. frost giant action.

Although, removing SHIELD would have cut one of my favorite small moments from the movie: when the Destroyer lands in the desert, Agent Coulson and several of his subordinates show up to confront it. Shortly before the Destroyer blasts everything in sight with its fire-breath, one of the other agents asks Coulson if perhaps the imposing metal giant is some new tech Tony Stark has been working on. An annoyed Coulson replies "nobody tells me anything". It's funny. And dammit, Clark Gregg needs work!

The performances were good. I had no problems with any of the actors that I can recall. Chris Hemsworth is great as Thor. He's funny, charismatic, bulky as hell, and he has a beard. I've always wanted my cinematic Thor to be bearded. Walt Simonson would be proud. The only other thing I've seen this Hemsworth fella in was the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot, where he played George Kirk in the film's prologue. A short role, but a memorable one. I misted up a little when George heard his newborn son cry shortly before he blew up.

He's also the star of MGM's Red Dawn remake, which was filmed over two years ago and still hasn't been released, due to MGM's ongoing financial troubles. Maybe he's good in that. We may never know.

Natalie Portman's fine as Jane Foster. She never really manages to sell the "scientist" role, but she nails the star-struck, giddy thunder god groupie vibe. She's not given a lot to do in the film, but we can blame that on the script. Kat Dennings is cute, funny, and cute. That's all her role requires, and she does a fine job. Skarsgard is Skarsgard.

As far as the Asgardians go, we've got Anthony Hopkins having a ball as Odin. He doesn't phone in his performance, which was a relief. His Odin is a loving father, a noble king, and a formidable warrior. We never see him actually fight anybody, but he carries himself like a guy who could fuck your shit up if you look at him sideways.

After Odin drags his kids back from Jotunheim and commences chastising Thor, Loki tries to interject on his brother's behalf, and Odin turns and growls at him like a wild animal. He doesn't say a word. He just bares his teeth and growls at Loki. And Loki, being a reasonable man, backs down, lest the All-Father tear out his throat. It's a great moment.

Rene Russo, who hasn't acted in five years, plays Odin's bride, Frigga. It was nice to see her again, but she's barely in the movie. Hardly worth mentioning, unfortunately. Moving on to Tom Hiddleston as Loki. I've never heard of this fellow before, but he's good. He gets Loki, is what I'm trying to say. He's scheming and conniving, but he has a great poker face. It's no wonder he fools everybody in Asgard. During the climactic fight between Thor and Loki, he transforms from the quiet trickster into a wild eyed, snarling madman as he grows more desperate. It's a very surprising performance.

I liked Colm Feore as Laufey, the king of the frost giants. The role is very small, but Feore can play menacing in his sleep. He's got the perfect voice for it. The Warriors Three are great. It was great to see Volstagg (Ray Stevenson!) indulge in his true passion on the big screen: binge eating. Idris Elba, fucking Stringer Bell, is fantastic as Heimdall. Another criminally small role, but he plays the shit out of it. When Loki comandeers Bifrost to destroy Jotunheim, he uses the Casket of Ancient Winters to neutralize Heimdall, and manages to freeze him a microsecond before his sword reaches Loki's throat. And Heimdall's so badass, he manages to escape from his supposedly deadly icy imprisonment shortly afterward, to carve up some unlucky frost giants. Give him more screentime in Thor 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Kenneth Branagh does an admirable job directing his first big budget Hollywood blockbuster. I have no issues with his work. The digital effects are almost uniformly great. Nothing mind-blowing, but never glaringly out of place. The production design, especially the Asgard stuff, is cool. I love how Odin's majestic palace looks like an epic pipe organ. I've never before seen a palace that looks like that. The film's script is the only real problem. Some of the characters don't really register, the main plot with Thor in New Mexico doesn't feel fleshed out, and the ending is an especially big problem.

Allow me to explain: as I sat in the auditorium watching the end credits, I kept wondering why the film would keep Thor trapped in Asgard. He's obviously going to be a major player in The Avengers next year, so wouldn't it make much more sense for Thor to destroy Bifrost and get caught up in the ensuing maelstrom, finding himself stranded on Earth with no way to get back home? That way, The Avengers wouldn't have to spend any time with SHIELD fussing with wormhole technology to bring Thor back to Earth. It just seems like a boneheaded decision to me.

Thor is, after all is said and done, a fun, entertaining movie. Certainly a step up from Iron Man 2. It's a fucking Thor movie, man! I got to see the god of thunder wreck shit on the big screen. I'm an easy mark, I guess.

It's A Madhouse! - The Asylum's Almighty Thor

Almighty Thor, on the other hand, is a night terror.

Have you heard of The Asylum? The creation of former Village Roadshow executive David Michael Latt, The Asylum was formed in 1997 as a production house specializing in very low budget genre fare. They produced many horrible (somewhat) original movies like Death Valley: The Revenge Of Bloody Bill, Jolly Roger: Massacre At Cutter's Cove, Alien Abduction, and Intermedio. Nobody saw these movies. Nobody except for me. And I wish I hadn't seen them.

In 2005, David Michael Latt produced, co-wrote, and directed an adaptation of H. G. Wells' War Of The Worlds, starring Soul Man's C. Thomas Howell. Surprisingly, this film wasn't originally intended to capitalize on Stephen Spielberg's big budget adaptation of the story, also released in 2005. The film's original title was simply Invasion. But Latt was struck with the brilliant idea to retitle the film and push it into video stores within a week of Spielberg's theatrical venture, and it was a huge success. It wasn't even the worst adaptation of War Of The Worlds released that year!

No, that honor goes to the 3 hour-long Pendragon Pictures production. Now that is a worthless film. It features some of the worst acting, production design, and special effects I have ever seen in a so-called "motion picture". It's not even worth watching to laugh at, because its opressive length quickly crushes your sense of humor, leaving you curled up in the fetal position on your bed, drooling and quivering like a victim of sexual abuse. It's that bad.

In comparison, The Asylum's version doesn't look so terrible in comparison. Truth be told, it's not a bad movie. It's mediocre, and at times laughable, but it's watchable. I am only a little ashamed to admit that I own a DVD of this film, and it's signed by David Michael Latt.

This is the high point, people! After the success of this "mockbuster", The Asylum completely changed their business model. Instead of focusing on original properties, they now dedicated themselves entirely to creating cheapie knock-offs of upcoming theatrical films at an astounding rate. On average, an Asylum production, from conception to finished product, averages four months. Some of their scripts are completed in a matter of hours. It's diabolical.

Their list of "mockbusters" is imposing, to say the least. Here are a few examples. Peter Jackson's King Kong remake had King Of The Lost World. 20th Century Fox's remake of The Omen had 666: The Child. Pirates Of The Caribbean had Pirates Of Treasure Island. Snakes On A Plane had Snakes On A Train (!!!).  I Am Legend had I Am Omega (starring Mark Dacascos!). Transformers had Transmorphers. The Hitcher remake had The Hitchhiker. Alien Vs. Predator had Alien Vs. Hunter. High School Musical had Sunday School Musical. The Day The Earth Stood Still remake had The Day The Earth Stopped (for fuck's sake!). The list goes on, believe me.

I've seen maybe half of the aforementioned "mockbusters", all on the Sci Fi Channel (or SyFy, as it insists I call it, these days). They're all fucking garbage. But they're making money. Because they're still making these damned things. Case in point: Almighty Thor, starring Richard fucking Grieco.

The Asylum's Thor movie doesn't attempt to step on Marvel's toes with a superhero story. No, this version veers closer to the magical and mythological. Loki is not portrayed as Thor's brother, but rather a dark adversary to Odin, which is closer to his original depiction. And the film features Thor's brother Balder, which the Marvel version bafflingly neglected to include. And Odin wields his fabled spear, Gungnir. These aren't positives, by the way.

The film opens with Odin wandering through the Hollywood hills with his sons Balder and Thor, for no immediately discernable reason. Odin is played (barely) by former wrestler Kevin Nash. He does okay, until he opens his mouth. Then the performance completely falls apart. There's a reason why Nash never opened his mouth during his screentime as "The Russian" in Jonathan Hensleigh's The Punisher.

Evil Loki is laying waste to Asgard with a trio of horribly rendered giant hairless jackals and a dusty femur bone that shoots lasers. He kills Odin and Balder, leaving a very puny Thor all alone to defend the Hammer of Invincibility. This version of Thor is a pussy with no fighting experience, and he's played by a physically nonexistent actor with a speech impediment. A brave choice.

He's saved by what I think is supposed to be a valkyrie played by Patricia Velasquez, better known as that really attractive woman wearing nothing but gold bodypaint from the prologue in Stephen Sommers' remake of The Mummy. Her only role in this movie is to rescue "Almighty" Thor, and she does this perhaps seven times. If it weren't for Velasquez, Thor wouldn't have made it past the opening credits. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

Loki's plan is to use the Hammer of Invincibility... somehow... to destroy all worlds and remake them in his own image. Thor, ineffectual weakling that he is, vows to stop him. Most of the film takes place in modern-day Los Angeles (I think), and Thor even uses an Uzi at one point. It's just that kind of movie.

Eventually, Velasquez falls in love with Thor, then is immediately murdered by Loki, but not before she stabs him in the face with a sword. This may be the single dodgiest digital effect I have ever seen. The CG sword floats around either side of Richard Grieco's head, at times drifting away from his face and at other times completely obscuring his face. It's hard to describe, really. But what isn't hard to describe is the laughter that shook me as I watched this truly pathetic scene unfold.

Loki snags the Hammer of Invincibility and casts his nemesis Thor down into firey Muspellsheim, where Thor suddenly becomes a badass, gathering lava with his bare hands and punching it into a vague hammer shape. He then escapes from Magmaberg and dukes it out with Loki, crushing him into oblivion with his laughably oversized Mjolnir substitute. It looks like it's made of papier-maché. Then he disappears in a flash of lightning, and the movie mercifully ends.

I absolutely hate this movie. It was never entertaining, aside from the unintentionally hilarious "Grieco french kisses a sword" moment. Nobody even bothers trying to act in this mess. A large battle between an army of Asgardians and Loki's invading forces consists of three dudes in rented armor screaming in front of a camera afflicted with the palsy. It has no redeeming value. This must be the absolute worst "mockbuster" The Asylum has ever loosed from their bowels. Odin wept.

If There Is Yet Mercy in You... An Epilogue

My favorite Thor story has to be Marvel's Loki mini-series from 2007. Written by Robert Rodi and beautifully painted by Esad Ribic, it depicts Loki victorious over Thor, reigning as king of Asgard. With his brother chained up in a dungeon, awaiting execution, Loki finally has everything he's ever wanted. But as he basks in the glory of his greatest victory, he is troubled by both his memories of better days with Thor and by the disturbing notion that perhaps these events have played out before.

It really is an amazing story. It deals primarily with the conflicted emotional state of Thor's beloved brother and nemesis, becoming a rather nuanced character study. The tale hints that Loki and Thor have been at each other's throats in one form or another since the dawn of time, and the conclusion, with Loki desperately trying to break this endless cycle of violence, is heartbreaking.

It's available from Amazon in a collection called Thor & Loki: Blood Brothers, and I highly recommend you buy it immediately, Dear Imaginary Reader. It's worth your time.

P.S. - I have rambled on entirely too long about this. I do believe this is one of my longest entries, which is saying a lot. If you have made it this far, I applaud you. I also pity you. But mostly, I applaud you. A review of the latest Pirates Of The Caribbean movie is coming soon. Also, the startling conclusion to The Kuato Tapes. Consider yourselves warned.