All Glory To Kuato!

 

It's Cinco De Mayo, everybody!!! Seriously, who gives a shit?! There are more important things to concern yourselves with, people! "Whatever could be more important than Cinco De Mayo, asshole?!", I hear you asking. Don't ask me how I can hear you asking. A man must maintain a certain degree of mystery to attract the women-folk. This is rule #37 in my new book, "The Default Answer Is Rape Van: A Sophisticate's Guide To Attracting The Opposite Sex", due out in stores this summer!

 

But that's beside the point. No, Dear Imaginary Reader, I'm not here to plug my upcoming self-help book, even though I know you will buy multiple copies and give them to your friends and family this holiday season. It really is the perfect stocking stuffer, I can't stress this enough.

Your aged grandparents will be delighted by the numerous color photographs scattered throughout the glossy, high quality pages, depicting highly inappropriate sexual acts involving men, ceramic pigs, denim vests, various members of the Wu Tang Clan, and a dead opossum. Also, the text is oversized, so you can sit back and read the incredibly offensive anecdotes with ease!

You just can't go wrong with "The Default Answer Is  Rape Van: A Sophisticate's Guide To Attracting The Opposite Sex"!

But as I said, that's not the true reason why you should ignore the siren song of Cinco De Mayo. This day marks the beginning of something much more important. Something truly amazing. Today, my friends, is the beginning of KUATO APPRECIATION MONTH!!!

Here at The Book Of Lies, we have decided that the month of May, which is otherwise barren and without meaning, is the perfect time of year to pay tribute to our favorite vestigial psychic prophet, trend-setter, and all-around ladies man, the mutated half-man from Mars, Kuato. Over the next four weeks, you will learn a great deal about this mysterious fellow that you won't hear anywhere else, thanks to the recently de-classified "Kuato Tapes", a series of conversations which explore the sometimes tragic, often disturbing, and always arousing biography of the beloved torso dweller.

Below you will find the whole shebang, which covers Kuato's past, present, and future as the galaxy's most beloved Martian prophet/porn star/lover/man of action. We here at The Blog Of Lies and its parent company, Fenderman Inc. hope you enjoy this journey through space, time, and various bodily fluids.

COMMENCE KUATO APPRECIATION!

The Kuato Tapes



Join us over the remainder of this pointless, disgusting month, as we continue our appreciation of this amazing, world-changing figure. You're welcome.