A Very Nihilistic Kweznuz - Day 1

Christmas is upon us yet again. The world quivers in the icy grip of a crimson-cloaked demigod. Children wet their beds in anticipation of what their cherubic master will leave under the poorly decorated conifers that dominate their living rooms. Parents inch ever closer to that early grave as the  weight of their financial situations bears down on their narrow shoulders. The populace weeps. And I have returned to share my pain with you.

This little factoid may shock you (it shocked the hell out of me), but there are people out there, somewhere, who actually read this blog. And during my lengthy absence, I received a handful of emails from some of these alleged "readers".

One of these emails was from some helpful soul who pointed me in the direction of a criminally cheap wonder drug that claims to increase the size of my penis. I tucked that email away for a rainy day.

Another email inquired about my health, since I haven't posted an actual movie review after my September 20th review of the Fright Night remake. I have actually seen several movies since then, but have not felt the urge to write anything about them. Somewhere along the line, this amorphous thing became some kind of unofficial movie blog, which was not my intent.

There never was any intent to this blog, aside from it being some small arena for me to say whatever happens to be on my mind at any given time. So for that lonely individual out there, eagerly awaiting my next review, it will pop up eventually, when I feel like I have something to actually say about a movie.

And finally, two individuals... well I assume it's two individuals, but it could always be the same person writing from two different email accounts... I'll just move forward with the "two individuals" hypothesis... wrote to me, inquiring as to my holiday plans for the blog. First off, let me address the concerns of modestsinner666, who wonders if a third chapter in the Christmas Miracle photoplay saga is imminent.

The short answer: no.

I am certainly glad that you enjoyed the first and second chapters, but there are no plans for a part three. Honestly, I never thought there was anywhere else for the story to go. In part one, the protagonist is destroyed by the not-so-kindly stranger who shatters his entire belief system and proceeds to rob him blind, leaving him a broken shell of a man. In part two, the protagonist is saved from an ignominious end by the same stranger, who gives him an entirely new belief system to fill the void in his heart. He loses everything, then finds his true calling in violent home invasion.

I think the two videos make a fine duology, and a third chapter would be unnecessary. Also, I'm a lazy son of a bitch, and making a new video is too much work. Sorry to disappoint, but there won't be any new holiday-themed video entertainments from your friends at Fenderman Incorporated this year.

Lastly, a scintillating individual calling him/herself redhothits wants to know how I plan to observe this holiday season on my blog. This one's a bit of a stumper. When I decided to unleash my "A Very Messy Kweznuz" series on the blog in 2010, I never considered the possibility of doing something similar this year. I blew my wad last year, and have been having a hard time thinking of new and exciting ways to say the exact same thing once again.

I could go the lazy route and simply re-post last year's musings, but that wouldn't feel right. So I guess I'll have to scour the interwebs and find new videos to subject you to, and search the ruined halls of my diseased brain for new stories to depress you. It is better to give than to receive, after all. And what better gift to give to you, Dear Imaginary Reader, than soul-crushing sadness?

Maybe a kick-ass home entertainment system. But we can't always get what we want.

In the meantime, let me leave you with a song I adore that, while not being about Christmas or the holiday season in any way, always puts me in the proper mindset to survive this special time of year.



Join me tomorrow for the next chapter in this farce.