A Very Nihilistic Kweznuz - Day 5

At long last, the time has come. Christmas Day is here.

For many, that means feasting, gift giving, celebration and merriment.

For me, it means drinking alone in my bunker, cursing the name of my oldest friend in the world, my sock monkey George.

George doesn't celebrate Christmas, because he is an asshole. Instead, he mocks me with his button eyes and genial demeanor, which only masks his devious, sociopathic mind. He's a criminal genius. At least, he would be, if he were capable of independent motion. Being a non-machine washable stuffed toy, he can do nothing but sit atop a high shelf in my room and seethe.

I used to heed his malign advice as a child, and he would do nothing but get me into trouble. Eventually I wised up and realized that he didn't care about my well-being, and I stopped taking part in his schemes. There is no more joy between us. The only reason why I haven't wrapped him in his favorite Confederate flag and set him ablaze in a toy boat like some kind of viking is because I fear I would miss him.

So he sits, endlessly plotting against me. And I sit, drinking excessively, staring George down night after night, wondering when I will finally awake to find him holding a rusty butcher knife against my throat.

But now is not the time for such morbid thoughts. It's Christmas! That means is time for less morbid thoughts!

And in an effort to distract you, Dear Imaginary Reader, from the impending post-holiday malaise, I offer you a series of video entertainments! First, I present to you the two-part saga collectively known as The Christmas Miracle Duology!

Now I know I already presented these videos to you last year, and nobody wants the same gift twice, but I have news. Part one of this saga, entitled simply The Christmas Miracle has been newly remastered for your enjoyment. That's right, remastered! What does this mean? It means that I have revisited the original photoplay, re-edited the damned thing to give it a healthier pace, as well as adding a few new touches here and there in order to make it a better fit with the final cut of its sequel.

Part two, strangely named The Second Christmas Miracle, has not been remastered, because I thought it was just fine the first time around.

Both parts are presented below in higher quality courtesy of our friends at Blip.tv. Enjoy!





Moving on, I would like to wrap up this wonderful celebration of the Christmas season with a special treat.

You might remember last year that I showcased what I believe to be the single greatest Christmas video of all time, the chilling duet of "Little Drummer Boy" by legendary crooner Bing Crosby and even more legendary Martian arachnoid David Bowie.

I am providing it once again for your pleasure, because it demands to be seen.


Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers!