I Only Know One Speed: Balls Out!

It's been a little while since my last post. A whole month, in fact. I understand that I made a promise to you, Dear Imaginary Reader. Every two weeks, I said, a brand new episode of Lies My Podcast Told Me would debut on this very blog. That promise lasted three episodes.

There's no excuse for my tardiness. None whatsoever. There are times when I find it difficult to motivate myself to do just about anything.

But that's not important, kiddies. Because I'm back!

Did you have a good  Independence Day? Not "4th of July", because that's the fucking date, not the holiday. It's Independence Day, damn you! Happy 4th of July? Why not say "happy August 25th"? It means the same thing.

I personally love to celebrate the 12th of May, because that was the day I first learned that everybody in a position of power is trying to fuck over the little guy simply because it gives them a cheap thrill.

I was 6 years old, and another kid in my 1st grade class picked a fight with me for no reason. I must stress that this belligerent little prick started swinging his meaty little fists at my face and torso for no reason. I didn't even know the fucker. The teacher separated us after a few minutes, and took us both to the principal's office.

I had a few bruises, but I managed to give my opponent a bloody nose with a lucky punch. The kid blubbered like a little pussy in front of the principal, and because the cocksucker principal was "old friends" with this asshole's parents, she couldn't believe that this angelic little blood geyser would pick a fight with a total stranger.

So I got reprimanded, and my grandmother had to come and pick me up from school. Because I was "a bad seed".

I still remember the look on that motherfucker's face when the principal made that phone call. He turned his head, pulled the blood-soaked rag from his swollen face, and grinned at me. I wanted to jump across the bench and strangle his fat fucking throat right then and there, but I knew that would do me no good.

So I was sent home, and my parents (well, my mother) scolded me for twenty minutes and grounded me for two weeks.
I never even learned that kid's name, but I did spot him at the local park several weeks later. I beaned him right on his forehead with a particularly sharp rock, and he never saw it coming. I never got my "comeuppance" for that, because I slinked into the shadows like a pre-pubescent ninja.

I hope I left a scar. That douchebag deserved it.




But I'm getting sidetracked. I'm not here to talk about my violent childhood. I'm here to present the next, belated installment in my new podcast series! And I am here to present you with two, that's right, TWO new episodes of Lies My Podcast Told Me! Why? Because I'm a nice guy.

I know what you want, and I'm giving it to you. Never mind the fact that I'm really just making up for lost time. Who cares? It's Saturday the 14th, and it's time to get down with some hilarious podcast-related humor!

Maybe "hilarious" isn't the word I'm looking for. Bizarre? Reprehensible? Disturbing? Irredeemable?

Yeah... yeah, I think that's the word. Irredeemable.

No, I changed my mind. This shit is hilarious, and I'm sticking with it. You'll laugh your ass off when you listen to this gruesome twosome of podcastery. And if you don't, then there is clearly something wrong with you. Not us, but you. You're the problem.

If the following audio-only delights don't make you laugh, then you need to sit down and rethink some shit. Because clearly something within you is broken. You may need to seek psychiatric help, because you're probably a danger to yourself and others.

Anyhoo, chapter 4, entitled Less Wess land Lubbers, is all about broken geography, alcoholism, and the most inept pirates in the world. Give it a listen below:



And chapter 5, entitled The Latex Hooker Planet, is actually pretty self-explanatory. In lieu of further elaboration, just settle in and click the big "play" button below:



That's it for now, boys and girls. I will attempt to stick to my originally-announced schedule from here on out, starting this Wednesday. Until then, have a good weekend, and if you're not entertained by these podcasts, then may God have mercy on your soul.

Thank you.

Latex Hooker Planet!