Schlock Corridor: Day One

First off, I must clarify something for those who were wondering why I didn't begin this new column yesterday: I made a mistake. I never had any intentions of starting the Schlock Corridor series tomorrow, intending to begin it today, making the thirteenth and final installment double as my annual Halloween post. I didn't realize that I'd promised part one yesterday until I logged on just a few minutes ago, and I apologize for that to the anonymous person who called me "pathetic" in a comment posted early this morning. Actually, I don't give a shit, so go fuck yourself, anonymous commenter!

 One final note: I am going to populate these posts with a series of vintage Halloween-related images, because I am feeling festive, and 'tis the season, and all of that nonsense. And now the madness begins...

SCHLOCK CORRIDOR: Hellraiser Revelations

I'd like to call myself a fan of the Hellraiser franchise, but I'm just not sure that's the case. I've seen every single one of these movies, but I only really like two of them, and none of them have really capitalized on the insane premise of summoning a cabal of inter-dimensional beings that exist beyond morality, spending eternity exploring the limits of sensation. A movie could be made that focuses on that concept, but none of the existing Hellraiser features, or the original novella, The Hellbound Heart have bothered to explore that, choosing instead to treat audiences with an increasingly boring series of people getting torn apart by ultra-scary hooks on chains.

Is that really the best we can shoot for, here? That's all these inscrutable Cenobites have to offer? It's not terribly creative. You open the box? HOOKS! You escape our clutches? HOOKS! You speak out of turn? HOOKS! You fart in a library? HOOKS! You go fishing? HOOKS! It's so tired, and I guess it speaks more to the lack of creativity in the creative parties involved with this franchise.

Even Pinhead, the face of this series, has lost his mojo. He jumped the shark in the third film, Hell On Earth, becoming a smirking slasher villain, killing people left and right and transforming them into pseudo-Cenobites for no immediately discernible reason. One of theme has a camera imbedded in his head! Another one is covered in CDs! I expected more from this series, to be honest. That was just such a boring direction to take this burgeoning franchise after the wacked-out first two installments. And maddeningly, it just got worse after that. So much worse.

The fourth film, Bloodline, was a trainwreck, but at least it was ambitious. The next film, Inferno, was a stripped down, mediocre affair that had hardly any connection to the Hellraiser brand. Hellseeker tried to tie things together by re-visiting the character of Kirsty Cotton from the first two films, but it just sucked. Then the world was punished with the one-two punch of Deader and Hellworld. To be fair, I think Deader had some promise. It concerns the investigation of a cult that can purportedly resurrect the dead, founded by the descendant of the Lament Configuration's creator, who wants to access the realm of the Cenobites and become their master. Too bad the film sucks.

And Hellworld? It's just a fucking shit streak. This movie takes place in "the real world" where the previous Hellraiser films were just films, and have since spawned an astoundingly terrible MMORPG called "Hellworld". Lance Henriksen plays the father of a young man who grew obsessed with the game and killed himself, and he blames his son's death on the boy's circle of friends who all play the game together. He throws a "Hellworld"-themed party as an excuse to murder all of his late son's pals, and then finds a puzzle box and discovers that the Cenobites are actually real, which makes absolutely no fucking sense at all in the reality presented by the film.

The previous four Hellraiser films started out as unrelated screenplays owned by Dimension Films that were (barely) re-written to include elements from the Hellraiser mythos, and this is painfully obvious to see. Why was it so unthinkable to actually hire somebody to write a new Hellraiser script?

That brings us to Hellraiser: Revelations, the first original screenplay in the franchise since Bloodline. Unfortunately, this film was produced at a break-neck pace by a studio desperate not to lose their rights to the franchise, and it shows. This is what's known as an ashcan copy, a product created solely for legal purposes, usually in order to hold onto the rights of a property. German producer Bernd Eichinger implemented a similar strategy back in the early 1990's in order to maintain the screen rights to Marvel's Fantastic Four property. But at least he had the good sense to never commercially release his cinematic atrocity.

Hellraiser: Revelations is the story of two pals, Steven and Nico, who run away from their lives of privilege, go to Mexico, murder a hooker, then get drunk with a hobo and summon the Cenobites. Some time after their mysterious disappearance, their families gather in an isolated country estate to... do nothing? I must admit, I'm not quite sure why they all planned this little get-together. There seemed to be no new developments in the case of their missing sons, but they all seemed to gather explicitly to discuss the matter. The film never states just how much time has passed since their disappearance, and I had to go to Wikipedia to learn that the main plot of the film takes place a year later.

The families somehow have possession of a video camera the boys took with them on their trip down Mexico way, and the camera holds footage of Nico opening the Lament Configuration and summoning some chubby guy who is supposed to be Pinhead, which seems like a big deal to me, but everybody who watches the footage doesn't seem to care. Steven shows up, acting shell-shocked, and everybody waits around for the damaged young man to provide some answers. We're provided to a quick series of flashbacks that fill in a few gaps: Nico escapes from the Cenobites, like Frank in the original film, and recruits Steven to help him regain his corporeal form through a series of prostitute murders In Tijuana. Steven eventually loses his nerve, and Nico knocks him out and steals his skin. Which means... that "Steven" is actually Nico!

Throughout the events of the plot, the film keeps cutting away to Pinhead hanging out in what looks like an abandoned warehouse, putting the finishing touches on his very own Mini-Me Pinhead, while echoing conversations from the families can be heard on the soundtrack. The Lament Configuration is quickly revealed to be in the house, as Steven's sister begins fingering its brass highlights. So the film implies that Pinhead lives in the puzzle box, like a genie in a bottle.

The previous films have clearly illustrated that this is not the case, that the puzzle box itself is merely a conduit, a gateway to the true hellish home of the Cenobites. Revelations seemingly forgets about all that, comically showing our new Pinhead pacing endlessly through the dilapidated interior of the Lament Configuration, shoving nails into his Mini-Me's forehead, yammering on about nothing in particular. This is incredibly stupid.

Eventually the box is opened, and everybody crashes Pinhead's housewarming party. A bunch of hooks on chains pop out of the darkness and carve up a few people,  Mini-Me Pinhead is revealed to be Steven, which doesn't change matters in the slightest, everybody dies except for Steven's sister, who clutches the puzzle box like a valued family heirloom, and the film mercifully ends.

This barely feature-length movie is a complete fucking mess. The screenplay is all over the place, incorporating elements from several previous installments in the franchise without expounding on any of them. The story briefly dips its toes into the deep end of depravity with an implied incestuous subplot that quickly fizzles out before it can really push any boundaries. The introduction of the video camera allows the story to briefly incorporate a "found footage" element that ultimately adds nothing to the story.

The make-up effects are flat and uninspiring, appearing rushed and poorly-planned out, which is probably the case, considering the accelerated production process. The script, by the film's make-up effects artist Gary J. Tunnicliffe, is a mess of banal dialogue with a lack of inspiring characters or set-pieces. None of the film's actors are engaged in the material, just going through the motions in order to collect their miniscule paychecks and go home.

Hellraiser: Revelations is an utter waste, in every sense of the word. It only exists so that the Weinstein brothers can hold onto the film rights to the Hellraiser brand, and it never rises above those low aspirations. There is so much potential in this property, and nobody, not even Clive Barker himself, has ever realized this potential. A truly astounding, transgressive, terrifying and erotic film could eventually be crafted from this material, something legendary in the annals of horror cinema. But it hasn't happened yet. And Hellraiser: Revelations isn't worth the time I've wasted talking about it.

TOMORROW: Night Of The Living Dead: Re-Animation