Damn Your Eyes.

It's a brand-new year, ladies and gentlemen! 2014 presents 365 new opportunities to die peacefully in your sleep, preventing you from being struck down in glorious battle and ascending on the wings of the proud Valkyries to the hallowed halls of Valhalla, where the righteous dead engage in mortal combat by day and feast and drink their fill of mead in the company of lusty maidens by night until the coming of Ragnarok, when they will be called to fight side-by-side with the brave Aesir as the nine realms face their twilight, until all is finally consumed by the unquenchable flames of dread Surtur and the age of gods will come to an end. So that's exciting, right?

Happy New Year, you dirty motherfuckers! I know you don't really exist, and if you did you wouldn't really care, anyway, but I had to say it, kiddies. Are you ready for another miserable year on this rotten planet, watching the powerful grow more powerful while you fight tooth and nail to maintain your ever-precarious middle class lifestyle, growing more and more embittered and cynical day by day, dreading that terrible day when you finally reach your breaking point, that fateful moment when you snap under the immense  pressures of existence and can no longer be held responsible for your actions? Or maybe your life is great, and your eyes aren't melting in their sockets, and you can somehow find peace and solace in the joy of living and not in the sweet embrace of cheap bourbon on those cold, cold nights when nothing else seems to exist except for the irregular beating of your diseased heart in the still darkness.

In that case, just keep that shit to yourself. Nobody likes a show-off.

Here's a special treat for you: a fucking podcast! The first all-new episode of Go Fuck Yourself, Pal in 2014 is here, and it's... well, it's a podcast, I can tell you that much! In this delightful episode, Titus and Laura return to discuss British people, the StarCraft video game series, comic books, Jimi Hendrix, and the upcoming remake of Robocop, which is sure to become an instant classic and be treasured by generations of film lovers for a very long time to come. Listen and be damned:

Chapter 51: Robert Cop



That's it for now. I'm going to go watch Showgirls for the 107th time and think about stuff... and things...

TIME MARCHES ON!