The Life & Death Of Kris Kringle, Volume Four

It's here, ladies and gentlemen! The big day has finally arrived, and the blood will rain from the skies in a torrent that will wash away our sins and leave us cleansed and renewed, ready to receive the glorious blessings of Rll'Hor, all-powerful lord of fire and desolation, wanderer of the timestream, conqueror of the multiverse, devourer of souls and flesh, mutilator of genitalia, unconquered master of the silver spire, king of the wasteland, and crusher of dreams large and small. His holy fire will consume all he surveys, and only those who accept his burning light in their blackened hearts will survive the coming maelstrom.

It's also Christmas Day, lest we forget. Santa Claus, gift-giving, disappointment, resentment, suicide, blah, blah, blah. None of that is important. What is important is this, the arrival of the fiftieth episode of The Podcast That Wouldn't Die! Yes, I've exceeded all expectations and unleashed fifty tiny audio-only nightmares into this bitter old world, much to the surprise and disappointment of literally dozens of listeners.

I'm pretty proud of this accomplishment, and I'm pleased to present to you The Life & Death Of Kris Kringle, a special double-sized holiday episode chock full of Christmas cheer. Topics include Christmas movies (good, bad and ugly), nonsensical Univision holiday celebrations, and of course, far too much drunken rambling for any reasonable listener to be expected to endure.

It's a celebration, after all, and you're all invited to take part in the festivities. So come on in, warm yourself by the roaring fireplace only to discover the fireplace is actually a portal to the lord of fire's hoary netherrealm, and become the latest screaming holiday sacrifice while the disciples of Rll'Hor lose themselves in an orgy of bondage and terror under the mistletoe. You're welcome:

Chapter 50: The Life & Death Of Kris Kringle.



And now that I've frightened off the weak-minded cowards among you with the podcast, it's time to unveil my masterpiece. But first, I must address a matter several readers have brought to my attention over the past few weeks. I was informed that my blog's embedded links to several of my videos were no longer working, and after a quick investigation, I discovered that my blip.tv account had been deleted back in November, because my videos no longer fit their updated terms and services. And since my old hard drive crashed nearly two years ago, those videos are now completely lost to me. So I can't re-upload Fire It Up! or my terrible video reviews, in case you were wondering.

So fuck you, blip.tv! May the unconquered master of the silver spire condemn you to the blackest, bleakest pit of suffering and despair in all the underworld!

My YouTube account, however, is still active, meaning lower-quality versions of my The Christmas Miracle Duology are still available to view, and here they are!

The Christmas Miracle (Remastered)



The Second Christmas Miracle



No, that wasn't the big surprise, so calm the fuck down. The surprise is a brand-new Christmas entertainment for your viewing pleasure! Entitled The Greatest Gift, this newly-created short subject details the macabre efforts of one disturbed individual to have the greatest Christmas ever... by any means necessary. There will be blood. Given the recent (and not terribly popular) changes over at YouTube, who knows how long you'll be able to bask in the glory of this absolute delight of a comic farce before my account there is destroyed, as well. So watch it now, before it's too late!

The Greatest Gift: A Story Of The Christ



That just about wraps things up. Christmas is over, now. Time to stop living in the past and move on with your lives, you poor fools. Thanks for spending a few moments of your precious time with me, dear friends, and now lament the fact that those precious moments are gone forever, never to return. They belong to me, now. I have stolen them from you. Hang your head in shame, for I have taken that which you hold most dear!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!