The Cleansing Fires Of Christmas

Hello! It's been a while, I guess. Almost an entire year. I'm gonna level with ya, until maybe three weeks ago, I basically forgot this blog existed altogether. Life, ya know? It just sorta gets in the way. So what have I been up to since last Christmas, you didn't ask? Stuff. Things. How have you been? Good, I trust?

The world hasn't ended yet. That's good news, I suppose. We still have an incompetent and embarrassing orange-faced homunculus smearing its feces all over the walls of the White House, dragging the United States (and indeed, the world) deeper into a seemingly-bottomless chasm of existential despair and dread with each passing day, which is decidedly not good news.

The end may be extremely fucking nigh, but it hasn't arrived just yet, and we're ankle-deep in this festive holiday season... and I've got this long-neglected blog just sitting here, gathering dust, or whatever the digital equivalent of dust is.

You may recall that, back in 2014, I started a holiday-themed feature here I called 12 Days Of Schlock-Mas, and the next year I expanded that into 25 Days Of Schlock-Mas, which I obviously continued last year, even though the act of watching and reviewing twenty-five schmaltzy family comedy-dramas in as many days for two years in a row nearly drove me insane. I did it for you, the handful of poor souls who may or may not even exist.

I've been sitting here, in front of my computer, thinking about what exactly I'm going to do to commemorate my annual Schlock-Mas celebration here on this lonely old blog, and I just don't think I have it in me to watch twenty-five more holiday-themed, made-for-TV family movies in the next twenty-five days. I simply don't have the stamina to torture myself with this stuff anymore. So instead of twenty-five days of Schlock-Mas, this year I'm going back to the original format, with twelve full days of exciting Hallmark Channel movie reviews posted regularly between tomorrow and December 25th, with the return of 12 Days Of Schlock-Mas!

See? I made a new logo and everything. That's a little effort, right?

I know it's only half as many reviews as I've written in the past two years, but it's better than nothing, and at least I know I'll be able to handle this many reviews without overtaxing myself, leaving me a little extra time this month to actually do one or two things that don't directly involve Christmas, which will be a nice change of pace for me. I won't be tied to this blog every single day for the next month, meaning I'll have a little free time on my hands this holiday season, which is a very exciting development.

I wonder what I'll do with that free time. Maybe I'll read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. Maybe I'll go outside and take in the balmy seasonal weather. Maybe I'll watch Showgirls again. It's been too long. So much free time and so many possibilities...

Who am I kidding? There are no possibilities. There's nothing left for me but the work that lies ahead. I lied a little earlier. I didn't review any of these awful movies for you, Dear Imaginary Reader, if for no other reason than you're nothing more than a figment of my broken imagination. No, I reviewed these awful movies for me, because I fucking hate myself. I guess I'm just some kind of self-loathing masochist who can't help but torment myself time and time again because deep down, I secretly believe that I deserve the misery. It's been said that we each make our own hell, and if that's the case, then I know exactly what my hell is called...

So I guess that means that starting tomorrow, I'll be back at the daily grind, watching and reviewing an endless parade of festive dreck for the entertainment of my fictional readership. Twenty-five more days of this madness. But I can't just stick with every aspect of the old format. I have to do something to mix it up a little, just to keep myself motivated. But what could that be? Maybe something like a scorecard... yeah, that could work. I think I'll call it The Twelve Tropes Of Christmas! Oh yeah. That's the ticket. But what exactly are these twelve tropes, you're once again not asking? Well, let me break it all down for you, one trope at a time:

Mommy's Dead - These movies tend to feature single adults with adorable young children who just want their parents to get out there and fall in love with the swarthy new handyman or the winsome young choir director or whatever. For the romantic leads to have children and still be single, their once-significant others are either dead or simply out of the picture, having abandoned their families to live exciting new lives as lumberjacks in the fucking Yukon Territories or something along those lines. If a movie makes mention of a dearly departed spouse or lover, only in the context of the romantic leads, then the movie earns the Mommy's Dead merit badge.

See Looks Like Christmas.

Christmas Magic - If the movie features an item (such as an ornament or stocking) or mysterious individual who affects the lives of the romantic leads through supernatural means, without the intervention of either Santa Claus or any sort of angel and/or God himself, then we're making a little Christmas Magic

See Magic Stocking.

Secret Santa - If the movie features Santa Claus, meaning the actual Santa Claus, and not some sap dressed up as Santa Claus, mingling with our romantic leads in any capacity, then we've got our Secret Santa.

See The Santa Incident.

Calling All Angels - Sometimes God, in his infinite wisdom, dispatches one of his beloved angels, usually some sort of novice who doesn't know exactly what they're doing, down to earth in order to meddle in the lives of lovelorn mortals. When this occurs, we're Calling All Angels.

See Angels & Ornaments.

I Hate You! Kiss Me! - If our movie deals with two characters who begin at complete opposites, perhaps even openly despising one another, before a series of wacky circumstances bring them both together and they learn that they're not so different after all, and then they just fall in love, because that's what people do in these damned movies, then I Hate You! Kiss Me!

See Holiday Road Trip.

Scrooged - If one of our movie's supporting characters is an elderly asshole who hates Christmas for reasons, then has some sort of third act epiphany that causes said elderly asshole to decide that maybe Christmas isn't so bad, after all, then we've been Scrooged.

See Fir Crazy.

Small Town Salvation - Sometimes the hustle and bustle of big city life is just too much for some folks. Discovering (or re-discovering) the joys of bucolic small town living might be just the thing you need to help recharge the old batteries and perhaps even find another shot at love. That's what we call Small Town Salvation.

See 'Tis The Season For Love.

Slumming It - When an actor of some stature who is clearly too good for this material still somehow winds up in your dogshit Christmas movie, then somebody's Slumming It.

See The Christmas Spirit.

Little White Lies - If a movie features a lead character who either lies about their past or just straight-up pretends to be somebody else when they meet their future paramour, then in the third act this subterfuge is unearthed, causing our leads (who are clearly meant to be together) to temporarily drift apart, then I guess somebody's been spreading Little White Lies.

See Snow Bride.

Royal Engagement - This one's simple enough: one of our leads is the prince or princess of some made-up European nation where everybody still speaks with an English accent, and they fall in love with *gasp* a commoner! That's a Royal Engagement.

See Crown For Christmas.

Assistant Chef Jen - When a supporting character is such an over-the-top villain that it just shatters the fragile reality of the movie's narrative, we've got an Assistant Chef Jen on our hands.

See Ice Sculpture Christmas.

Christmas In July! - These movies are usually developed and produced very quickly, and for a holiday premiere, they usually roll principal photography in the summertime, using copious amounts of fake snow and actors sweating their asses off in heavy winter coats to create the illusion of a winter wonderland. Sometimes this illusion is so poorly realized on-screen that you can't help but notice the white blankets of foam in the background and the beads of sweat pouring down the faces of actors as they attempt to emote in a fleece-lined parka in triple-digit heat. This is the magic of Christmas In July!

See Karen Kingsbury's The Bridge.

There you have it. My Twelve Tropes Of Christmas. What do you think? I toyed with adding a thirteenth trope, called The Reason For The Season, which would have dealt with plots or sub-plots regarding putting the Christ back in Christmas, so to speak, but I've noticed that almost none of these Hallmark Channel movies deal with religion at all. Even the movies that feature angels interfering in the affairs of mortal men and women don't tend to really dwell on any religious trappings, keeping things afterlife-related weirdly vague. You won't really see many people in these movies talking about God or Jesus Christ, which is something I've always found rather refreshing, to be honest. These films tend to present a more friendly, inclusive, secular Christmas atmosphere for the most part, which I've always appreciated.

Besides, most of the Christmas movies produced by actual Christian production companies tend to focus on some perverse persecution complex "War On Christmas" nonsense that was invented by bloviating right-wing pundits trying to drum up some sort of controversy to rile up their gullible viewers. I have no patience for that bullshit.

Anyway, tomorrow the madness begins again, with 2017's 25 Days Of Schlock-Mas, and at the end of each review, along with my Naughty or Nice verdict, I'll provide the list of applicable tropes the movie has presented. If, and this is a big if because a few of these tropes are essentially incompatible, one of the movies I review this season actually includes all twelve of my tropes, which I once again must stress is basically impossible so don't get your hopes up, I'll probably just kill myself because clearly there will be no place left to go but down. Until then...

CHRISTMAS TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN!