I need to begin with a clarification. I'm sure I made a similar point last year, but I do not view the films I watch as part of the 25 Days Of Schlock-Mas feature the same way I look at standard theatrical fare, or even other made-for-television movies (HBO premieres and the like). To view these movies through the same lens would be unfair, as they're not on the same level in terms of overall quality, and not even produced for similar reasons. Commerce is an unavoidable aspect of cinema, and we all know this. It's not called "show business" for nothing, after all. But there is a world of difference between a theatrical film like The Dark Knight Rises and a TV premiere like Three Wise Women.
The movies I'm watching throughout the month of December are pure product, designed from the ground up to manufacture something resembling the "Christmas spirit" in the viewer through old-fashioned emotional manipulation, utilizing tried-and-true methods to tug at your heartstrings while expending as little effort (and financial capital) as possible. That's their racket, and it's a very profitable racket, to be sure. These movies are shot in two, maybe three weeks from cookie cutter scripts using the most basic camera set-ups in order to expedite the editing process, and the entire cycle from development to premiere can take as little as two months. There's no place for nuance in these movies. The term "artistic sensibility" is nowhere to be heard on the set of a Hallmark Channel original movie. Everybody's doing a job, and they all care more about collecting their paycheck than making an enduring work of cinematic art.
That doesn't mean that these films can't be entertaining, or even worthwhile viewing experiences in their own right. I don't hate this stuff on principle. If I did, I wouldn't watch any of it. Life's too short. A great many people involved in these projects, both in front of and behind the camera, do actually care about what they're doing. They don't phone in their performances. They try to do their best to entertain their intended audience. And that's what I'm looking for.
I like Christmas. I always have. And I like Christmas movies. I want to like the 25 movies I'm going to watch this month. I will never give up hope. Keep all of this in mind as we begin our voyage of the damned with...
SANTA JR.
A public defender tries to help St. Nick's son after he is accused of stealing Christmas presents.
Our story begins with some goon in an ill-fitting Santa Claus suit getting arrested by the San Diego Police Department for breaking into some single mother's apartment two days before Christmas. The official charges are breaking & entering and theft, although the so-called "victim" can't say for sure that anything in particular is missing. In fact, there seem to be a few extra festively-wrapped gifts under the family's Christmas Tree. But the hard-nosed veteran detectives, played by Judd Nelson and George Wallace, have been searching for the infamous "Christmas Bandit", a petty criminal dressed up as old St. Nick who has been committing a string of burglaries over the past several weeks, and they think they've finally found their man.
There's only one problem: they've inadvertently arrested Kris Kringle, Jr, the well-meaning but not terribly bright son of Santa Claus himself, as he was delivering presents to all the good girls and boys living in the state of California. Being a bit of a fuck-up, Kris began his deliveries a little early, thinking he might not have enough time to finish his appointed rounds on Christmas Eve alone. So he set out with his elf pal Steve and some reindeer we never see (because this movie has absolutely no budget) to bring Christmas to the west coast a little early on this particular year.
Kris puts the moves on his public defender (Lauren Holly), and she convinces the district court judge (Mac from Night Court, finally getting that well-earned promotion) to let Kris stay with her under house arrest until his trial, because Kris wouldn't last five minutes in prison. He's soft, you see. Soft like veal. Those hardened criminals in county lock-up would tear through his holiday-lovin' ass like wrapping paper. Luckily, our hero is spared that indignity, subjected to the not-quite-as-terrible indignity of having to live with wet blanket Lauren Holly over the holidays.
She's bummed out because her ex-boyfriend (who we never meet because the production blew all its money on delicious Krispy Kreme donuts for George Wallace to eat in his every scene) dumped her on Christmas Eve several years ago, which she tells Kris (wait... Kris... py Kreme Kringle?!?) for seemingly no reason the day she meets him. Also, her parents died in a car wreck a few weeks after that, which I would assume to be a much bigger tragedy in the average person's life, but she mentions this as an afterthought in her "my boyfriend was a bag of dicks" monologue, so what the hell do I know?
While Kris in under house arrest and his magic bag (heh) with all the gifts for the good little girls and boys is locked up with Judd Nelson at the SDPD, he just sort of hangs out and waits for the movie to find something for him to do, and he has to wait for quite a while. It doesn't take long for him to convince his new friend Lauren Holly that he is the genuine article, the one and only Santa Jr., after she sees him chat up a couple neighborhood kids, instinctively knowing all of their names and being just a generally nice guy. It helps that she also sneaks a peek at his "naughty or nice" list, in the form of a lime green-colored PDA.
Not a "personal display of affection", you fools. You don't remember PDAs? Personal Digital Assistants? Nothing? To be fair, I suppose they're not really worth remembering. I guess Kris is too cool for a fucking scroll like his old man. Scrolls are badass. Every single time you unfurl a scroll to read what's on it, you feel like a damned wizard about to cast some epic spell on an unsuspecting opponent. We don't have enough scrolls anymore.
While Kris is pulling his pud in Lauren Holly's pad, his elf pal Steve is wandering the neighborhoods of San Diego, Eating out of dumpsters and breaking into people's homes and leaving them charming presents made out garbage. Seriously, the elf's compulsion to make and deliver toys to children is so overwhelming, that given a little spare time he can't help but create toys out of trash he finds lying on the street, leaving his abominations under Christmas Trees all over town. That's fucked up, and it really says something about the character of this film's version of Santa Claus, who we never actually meet. What has this monster done to these poor elves?
Eventually, the "Christmas Bandit", who has sworn to kill Kris for stepping on his shit, breaks into Lauren Holly's house on Christmas Eve and tries to make due on his promise. Luckily, Steve arrives to help Kris hogtie the hapless criminal with twinkle lights and Kris uses his magical cocaine (it's only magical on Christmas Eve) to place his tracking bracelet on the bandit, stealing his beat-up old Cadillac and driving to... an amusement park? What? Why is this happening?
Meanwhile, Judd Nelson and George Wallace have decided to give away all of the gifts in Kris' magic bag (heh) to whoever the hell shows up at the station, I guess. I don't know why this is happening, or if it's at all legal, but the movie clearly doesn't care, so neither do I. It's a good thing for everybody that the bag's magic conjures the right gift for everybody as they approach, even being nice enough to put their names on the packages to avoid confusion.
Judd & George are convinced by this minor miracle, and join team Santa Jr. So they join forces with Lauren Holly, finding Kris and the "Christmas Bandit" (he escaped, whatever) fighting under a bridge. They arrest the bandit, and just let Kris take the crook's car, which doesn't make any sense, and watch in awe as he flings his magic cocaine on the old heap, transforming it into a new... car! You'll have to excuse me, because I don't know jack shit about cars, so I have no idea what the new car actually is. It's red, and it's a convertible, and that's it. Vroom, vroom!
As Kris and his feral pal Steve drive off to resume their scheduled deliveries, George Wallace merrily eats some more delicious Krispy Kreme donuts, and Judd & Lauren choose to start dating, because somebody always has to hook up in these movies, even if the pairing makes absolutely no sense.
So that's Santa Jr., and I guess it's okay.
At one point in the story, Kris tells Lauren Holly that he must be allowed to finish making his deliveries, because if the good little boys and girls don't get their Christmas fix, they'll all turn into complete psychopaths in no time flat. The children need to be rewarded for their good deeds, otherwise what's the point of doing good deeds at all? This film posits that if Santa Claus doesn't reward the good children of the world each year, the children will turn their backs on society and lay waste to everything they used to love, because kids, especially young kids, are all little sociopaths who haven't yet developed the capacity for empathy, and they're all perfectly capable of butchering their parents with steak knives if things don't always go their way.
I don't know if this is completely true in real life, but it wouldn't surprise me if that is indeed the case. Either way, I think that's a pretty bleak way to look at things, Santa Jr., and kudos to you for trying something a little different.
There's also a strange sub-plot regarding Kris supposedly not having the Christmas spirit, with Steve actually telling the dude that the other elves hate him because of this, which is why none of them accompanied him on his early Christmas delivery mission (not because the movie didn't have the budget to hire more than one little person to play an elf, not at all). I didn't understand why this was brought up by several characters in several key points throughout the film, because it doesn't make any sense. He clearly has the spirit, routinely doing good deeds for total strangers with no expectation of reward, maintaining a generally pleasant demeanor even under duress, and setting out early to deliver gifts to the children of California (his assigned territory) because he didn't want to risk disappointing any of the kids.
Who says he doesn't have the Christmas spirit? Liars, that's who!
In the end, there's really not all that much to say about Santa Jr. None of the actors embarrass themselves. The script is pretty basic stuff. It looks cheap as hell. The story takes a few small diversions from the beaten path, and it never got on my nerves, which is definitely a plus. As I said earlier, it was okay. That's it, really. Great job, I guess. Follow George Wallace on Twitter, because he's hilarious.
VERDICT: NICE
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