BECOMING SANTA
A man is shocked to learn that his girlfriend's parents are Santa and Mrs. Claus.
Some goofy guy with a head injury who works for a toy company and adores Christmas is in love with a perky veterinarian who also adores Christmas, and he wants to ask her for her hand in the holy matrimony because he just loves her so much he can't contain himself any longer. But he is a bit of a traditionalist at heart, and he insists on asking for her father's permission before he makes it official, but the lady vet is hesitant to introduce the empty-eyed goon to her parents, because they're Santa and Mrs. Claus, and how do you just drop that in a casual conversation?
She finally relents and makes travel arrangements "up north", and she drugs the goon's coffee and smuggles him into her family home at the North Pole, and he's so stupid that he sees eight tiny reindeer, fucking pointy-eared elves, a kindly old man with a giant beard who says "ho, ho, ho" all the time, and just thinks his girlfriend's family is eccentric or something. I can't stress this enough when I say this guy is a complete fucking idiot. He needs to be spoon-fed the news from his fiancé-to-be before he finally puts all of the pieces together and solves the Santa mystery, which isn't really a mystery at all, because the only person actually trying to hide the obvious fucking truth from this drooling homunculus is his skittish ladyfriend, and she does such a piss-poor job of it that I don't understand how he couldn't figure any of it out on his own.
The beans are spilled a little over thirty minutes into the movie, which is nice because I don't think I could have watched an entire movie following this dumbass as he misses every single obvious clue as it slaps him in his big face. The movie isn't called Santa-In-Law, is it? Come to think of it, there isn't a movie called Santa-In-Law, and I can't understand why. It seems like such an obvious title, right? You can have that one for free, Hollywood. You're welcome.
No, the movie's called Becoming Santa, so I think you can figure out how the rest of the movie shakes out. The goon is pretty okay with marrying Santa's daughter, because he's perhaps the biggest fan of Christmas south of the North Pole. He's not very good at the toy making thing, because the best toy he managed to create in his tenure at Mr. Douchebag's Famous Toys is a wimpy little wooden dog on flimsy wheels that no kids in his focus group enjoy. No, the kids love the new shirtless Lumberjack Santa toy some pervert from accounting thought up on the toilet during his lunch break.
Part of the whole "marrying into the Claus" family thing entails becoming the next Santa Claus when the current bearded one calls it quits, but nobody in the family bothers to tell this to the dumbass, instead surreptitiously putting the clueless young man through a series of Santa tests without his knowledge or consent. He fails all of them, due to his own stupidity as well as some clandestine interference from young hunk Jack Frost, who sabotages this dude at every turn because he wants to marry daughter Claus and become the next Santa, lusting for the ultimate power bestowed upon the almighty Father Christmas.
But it all works out in the end. Jack Frost and his lifeless black eyes are exiled from the North Pole in shame when the truth is revealed, the goon and his fiancé are married by some forest troll on Christmas Eve, and they pile into the sleigh with Papa Santa to deliver toys to all the good boys and girls in the world, because they're gonna do everything as a fucking family from now on. And just for good measure, the goon tries out his stupid wooden dog toy once again on the children's focus group, using the exact same approach as the last failed attempt, and this time it somehow works. Why does it work? Nothing's changed. Not a thing. But the kids suddenly love this fucking toy. They're punching each other in the face trying to get their claws on this stupid thing, and I don't understand why.
My god, this movie doesn't work. It's all so dull and lifeless and cheap and I hate it so very much. All of the snow at the "North Pole" is nothing more than that cotton wadding used to fill up teddy bears, and the fucking sets wobble every time an actor lumbers through them. Michael Gross plays Santa Claus with a frayed white curtain glued to his goddamned chin, and his flannel shirts are all stuffed with a bunch of paper towels to make him look fat, but it just makes him look stupid. You can clearly see the seams that separate the real ears from the fake pointed ends on the actors playing the elves. It's an embarrassingly shoddy production.
And the story is nothing but a poorly stitched-together series of terribly written vignettes with no life or energy to spare. None of the cringe-worthy humor lands. None of it. Not one single, solitary fucking joke works. And there are so many jokes in the movie. The movie's trying so hard to be an uproarious comedy, but it falls flat on its face almost immediately and never manages to get back on its feet. Just shameful. Why does this movie exist? It's stupid. It's so stupid I think watching it actually made me a dumber person.
Fuck you, Becoming Santa. You're so fucking worthless, I curse your very existence. If I had the power, I would go back in time and find some way to convince the producers of this movie to pull the plug on it before it had a chance to pop into existence, a cinematic abortion, if you will. Yeah, that's not hyperbolic at all.
Whatever.
VERDICT: BLOODY COAT HANGERS
Some goofy guy with a head injury who works for a toy company and adores Christmas is in love with a perky veterinarian who also adores Christmas, and he wants to ask her for her hand in the holy matrimony because he just loves her so much he can't contain himself any longer. But he is a bit of a traditionalist at heart, and he insists on asking for her father's permission before he makes it official, but the lady vet is hesitant to introduce the empty-eyed goon to her parents, because they're Santa and Mrs. Claus, and how do you just drop that in a casual conversation?
She finally relents and makes travel arrangements "up north", and she drugs the goon's coffee and smuggles him into her family home at the North Pole, and he's so stupid that he sees eight tiny reindeer, fucking pointy-eared elves, a kindly old man with a giant beard who says "ho, ho, ho" all the time, and just thinks his girlfriend's family is eccentric or something. I can't stress this enough when I say this guy is a complete fucking idiot. He needs to be spoon-fed the news from his fiancé-to-be before he finally puts all of the pieces together and solves the Santa mystery, which isn't really a mystery at all, because the only person actually trying to hide the obvious fucking truth from this drooling homunculus is his skittish ladyfriend, and she does such a piss-poor job of it that I don't understand how he couldn't figure any of it out on his own.
The beans are spilled a little over thirty minutes into the movie, which is nice because I don't think I could have watched an entire movie following this dumbass as he misses every single obvious clue as it slaps him in his big face. The movie isn't called Santa-In-Law, is it? Come to think of it, there isn't a movie called Santa-In-Law, and I can't understand why. It seems like such an obvious title, right? You can have that one for free, Hollywood. You're welcome.
No, the movie's called Becoming Santa, so I think you can figure out how the rest of the movie shakes out. The goon is pretty okay with marrying Santa's daughter, because he's perhaps the biggest fan of Christmas south of the North Pole. He's not very good at the toy making thing, because the best toy he managed to create in his tenure at Mr. Douchebag's Famous Toys is a wimpy little wooden dog on flimsy wheels that no kids in his focus group enjoy. No, the kids love the new shirtless Lumberjack Santa toy some pervert from accounting thought up on the toilet during his lunch break.
Part of the whole "marrying into the Claus" family thing entails becoming the next Santa Claus when the current bearded one calls it quits, but nobody in the family bothers to tell this to the dumbass, instead surreptitiously putting the clueless young man through a series of Santa tests without his knowledge or consent. He fails all of them, due to his own stupidity as well as some clandestine interference from young hunk Jack Frost, who sabotages this dude at every turn because he wants to marry daughter Claus and become the next Santa, lusting for the ultimate power bestowed upon the almighty Father Christmas.
But it all works out in the end. Jack Frost and his lifeless black eyes are exiled from the North Pole in shame when the truth is revealed, the goon and his fiancé are married by some forest troll on Christmas Eve, and they pile into the sleigh with Papa Santa to deliver toys to all the good boys and girls in the world, because they're gonna do everything as a fucking family from now on. And just for good measure, the goon tries out his stupid wooden dog toy once again on the children's focus group, using the exact same approach as the last failed attempt, and this time it somehow works. Why does it work? Nothing's changed. Not a thing. But the kids suddenly love this fucking toy. They're punching each other in the face trying to get their claws on this stupid thing, and I don't understand why.
My god, this movie doesn't work. It's all so dull and lifeless and cheap and I hate it so very much. All of the snow at the "North Pole" is nothing more than that cotton wadding used to fill up teddy bears, and the fucking sets wobble every time an actor lumbers through them. Michael Gross plays Santa Claus with a frayed white curtain glued to his goddamned chin, and his flannel shirts are all stuffed with a bunch of paper towels to make him look fat, but it just makes him look stupid. You can clearly see the seams that separate the real ears from the fake pointed ends on the actors playing the elves. It's an embarrassingly shoddy production.
And the story is nothing but a poorly stitched-together series of terribly written vignettes with no life or energy to spare. None of the cringe-worthy humor lands. None of it. Not one single, solitary fucking joke works. And there are so many jokes in the movie. The movie's trying so hard to be an uproarious comedy, but it falls flat on its face almost immediately and never manages to get back on its feet. Just shameful. Why does this movie exist? It's stupid. It's so stupid I think watching it actually made me a dumber person.
Fuck you, Becoming Santa. You're so fucking worthless, I curse your very existence. If I had the power, I would go back in time and find some way to convince the producers of this movie to pull the plug on it before it had a chance to pop into existence, a cinematic abortion, if you will. Yeah, that's not hyperbolic at all.
Whatever.
VERDICT: BLOODY COAT HANGERS
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