SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
Dax competes with another aspiring elf to become Santa's next helper.
I watch wrestling. I'm supposed to be an adult, and I watch wrestling every week. Twice a week, actually. I watch this WWE stuff every single week, because I enjoy it. I have a good time watching this burly soap opera shit, and I refuse to apologize for it. You can't possibly shame me, because I've already accepted how pathetic I am, so there. I watch that wrestling shit, and I get fucking pumped for it. I'm having a grand old time every week watching these dense, oiled up flesh meteors in tight panties slamming into each other ad nauseam for fun. It's like poetry.
One of these oiled up panty-men is a stuck-up dude called "The Miz". Now Miz is what we in the know like to call a "heel", or a bad guy. That's wrestling terminology. And Miz is such a convincing heel because he looks like an utter cunt. The man's face was seemingly designed to inspire hatred in other human beings. In character, this guy carries himself with such a bearing of unearned arrogance and elitism that you just want to batter him over the head with a steel folding chair for ten or twenty minutes, and this is why it feels so good to watch other oiled up panty-men batter him with a steel folding chair for ten or twenty minutes every time he rears his smug head on Monday Night Raw. It's what we crave.
The problem with being such a convincing asshole in your day job is that it becomes almost impossible for the audience to see you as anything other than an asshole in any other context. Miz tried to play the babyface for a while, but nobody bought it because the guy looks like the world's biggest asshole, and every time an asshole tries to be nice we can't help but believe the asshole is just being, well, a condescending asshole. That's just part of the whole package. So Miz dropped the babyface angle and buried the needle deep into the "heel" end of the personality gauge a few years ago and never looked back. Which is fine for wrestling. But bad for basically anything else the man tries to do outside of wrestling, which leads me to Santa's Little Helper.
I watched Santa's Little Helper today. Santa's Little Helper is a "movie" produced by WWE Films, which has also produced some truly amazing motion pictures, like Leprechaun: Origins, See No Evil 2, and 12 Rounds 3: The Lockdown. This "movie" premiered on USA Network last night, and I recorded it, because apparently I'm a complete fucking idiot.
Miz stars as essentially himself, some douche bag who likes to fuck other people over because it brings him pleasure. He gets fired from his cushy job at some swank company that does things, and he feels bad about this, because it's almost Christmas, and he hates Christmas, and whatever. There's a community center that's going to be demolished before Christmas Eve, and Miz hates this place because when he was a kid he got screwed over by the guy who runs the place. He didn't get literally screwed by the guy who runs the place, because that kind of subject matter is too heavy for a movie like this.
No, the guy who runs the place stole a bunch of money from the community center, because I guess these places are just flush with cash, and he blamed it all on young Miz, because the guy who runs the place despises young Miz and his filthy farmer DNA, and wanted to fuck this kid over to teach him a lesson about superior breeding or something. I don't know.
Santa Claus is watching Miz's life unravel via his magical CCTV system, and he figures this oiled up panty-man would be the perfect replacement for his retiring personal assistant, only he (and everyone else in the movie) refers only to the job's official title of "Ho-Ho-Ho", which is just a stupid title for a personal assistant, or "little helper", if you will. Santa summons one of his elf slaves to recruit Miz, and she's off to Florida or Canada or something to tell Miz that he's been chosen to become Santa's personal footstool.
She then puts Miz through a series of humiliating hazing rituals, including stripping for a gaggle of perverted old biddies, letting a child wearing a plastic tiara puke on him while he wears a ceremonial bear costume, and antagonizing a drunken biker gang on a Saturday night. This does not go well, but Santa's got a hard-on for this son of a bitch, so he tweaks his nipples and tells his elf to bring the fresh meat to the head cheese. Santa then tortures Miz by showing the man what his life would have been like if that bastard at the community center hadn't screwed him over all those years ago.
Apparently, if Miz hadn't been framed for embezzlement as a child, he would have gone on to get happily married, have two wonderful children, become a famous astronaut, and discover a cure for the common fucking cold. Miz, now completely broken and defeated, finally agrees to sign his soul over to the red one and become the new workshop "Ho-Ho-Ho". But that's no good, because Saraya-Jade Bevis also wants to be the new whatever, and she's ready to fight for the coveted position.
Who is Saraya-Jade Bevis? Why, she's better known by her wrestling moniker, Paige. She's a lady-wrestler, and she's very good at being a lady-wrestler, one of the best lady-wrestlers out there, as a matter of fact. She's not very good at acting, which is fine, because her role in Santa's Little Helper doesn't really require her to do any of that acting stuff. Saraya-Jade Bevis challenges Miz to a race through some bullshit arboreal obstacle course, and she wins because she's a cheating bitch, and I don't care.
Miz steals some magic bell from Santa and uses it to summon that dirty motherfucker who sent him up the river when he was a wee one, pointing him out to some random cops and telling them that this dickhead stole fizzy lifting drinks, so they drag him off to the pokey to do the hokey-pokey and turn himself around, because that's what it's all about. Then Santa shows up and winks at Miz, who yells at a bunch of people for twenty minutes, coercing them to help him stop the bulldozers from leveling the community center and saving Christmas for a bunch of dumb kids who love to paint stupid pictures of fruit after school.
Santa then tells Saraya-Jade Bevis that she can't be the new "Ho-Ho-Ho" because she's a cheating bitch, and he gives the job to that elf who was dispatched to recruit Miz at the beginning of the movie, because this was all some sort of ridiculous test, and Miz was just a pawn in Santa's greater game.
This movie is dumb and lazy and I hate it. I hate it so much I want to crack open my own skull and scoop out portions of my brain with a fucking melon-baller until I find the piece of grey matter that contains the memories of my watching Santa's Little Helper, then I want to sauté that little morsel and eat it like a big, strong man and forget I ever saw this pathetic excuse for a movie. There's no excuse for something like this to happen. Nobody put any effort into this garbage. Nobody cared. They just jerked off in front of a digital camera for a few weeks and called it good. I'm so despondent right now. Is this rock bottom?
I've got four more days of this ahead of me. Four more days...
VERDICT: EEEEEHHHHH...
I watch wrestling. I'm supposed to be an adult, and I watch wrestling every week. Twice a week, actually. I watch this WWE stuff every single week, because I enjoy it. I have a good time watching this burly soap opera shit, and I refuse to apologize for it. You can't possibly shame me, because I've already accepted how pathetic I am, so there. I watch that wrestling shit, and I get fucking pumped for it. I'm having a grand old time every week watching these dense, oiled up flesh meteors in tight panties slamming into each other ad nauseam for fun. It's like poetry.
One of these oiled up panty-men is a stuck-up dude called "The Miz". Now Miz is what we in the know like to call a "heel", or a bad guy. That's wrestling terminology. And Miz is such a convincing heel because he looks like an utter cunt. The man's face was seemingly designed to inspire hatred in other human beings. In character, this guy carries himself with such a bearing of unearned arrogance and elitism that you just want to batter him over the head with a steel folding chair for ten or twenty minutes, and this is why it feels so good to watch other oiled up panty-men batter him with a steel folding chair for ten or twenty minutes every time he rears his smug head on Monday Night Raw. It's what we crave.
The problem with being such a convincing asshole in your day job is that it becomes almost impossible for the audience to see you as anything other than an asshole in any other context. Miz tried to play the babyface for a while, but nobody bought it because the guy looks like the world's biggest asshole, and every time an asshole tries to be nice we can't help but believe the asshole is just being, well, a condescending asshole. That's just part of the whole package. So Miz dropped the babyface angle and buried the needle deep into the "heel" end of the personality gauge a few years ago and never looked back. Which is fine for wrestling. But bad for basically anything else the man tries to do outside of wrestling, which leads me to Santa's Little Helper.
I watched Santa's Little Helper today. Santa's Little Helper is a "movie" produced by WWE Films, which has also produced some truly amazing motion pictures, like Leprechaun: Origins, See No Evil 2, and 12 Rounds 3: The Lockdown. This "movie" premiered on USA Network last night, and I recorded it, because apparently I'm a complete fucking idiot.
Miz stars as essentially himself, some douche bag who likes to fuck other people over because it brings him pleasure. He gets fired from his cushy job at some swank company that does things, and he feels bad about this, because it's almost Christmas, and he hates Christmas, and whatever. There's a community center that's going to be demolished before Christmas Eve, and Miz hates this place because when he was a kid he got screwed over by the guy who runs the place. He didn't get literally screwed by the guy who runs the place, because that kind of subject matter is too heavy for a movie like this.
No, the guy who runs the place stole a bunch of money from the community center, because I guess these places are just flush with cash, and he blamed it all on young Miz, because the guy who runs the place despises young Miz and his filthy farmer DNA, and wanted to fuck this kid over to teach him a lesson about superior breeding or something. I don't know.
Santa Claus is watching Miz's life unravel via his magical CCTV system, and he figures this oiled up panty-man would be the perfect replacement for his retiring personal assistant, only he (and everyone else in the movie) refers only to the job's official title of "Ho-Ho-Ho", which is just a stupid title for a personal assistant, or "little helper", if you will. Santa summons one of his elf slaves to recruit Miz, and she's off to Florida or Canada or something to tell Miz that he's been chosen to become Santa's personal footstool.
She then puts Miz through a series of humiliating hazing rituals, including stripping for a gaggle of perverted old biddies, letting a child wearing a plastic tiara puke on him while he wears a ceremonial bear costume, and antagonizing a drunken biker gang on a Saturday night. This does not go well, but Santa's got a hard-on for this son of a bitch, so he tweaks his nipples and tells his elf to bring the fresh meat to the head cheese. Santa then tortures Miz by showing the man what his life would have been like if that bastard at the community center hadn't screwed him over all those years ago.
Apparently, if Miz hadn't been framed for embezzlement as a child, he would have gone on to get happily married, have two wonderful children, become a famous astronaut, and discover a cure for the common fucking cold. Miz, now completely broken and defeated, finally agrees to sign his soul over to the red one and become the new workshop "Ho-Ho-Ho". But that's no good, because Saraya-Jade Bevis also wants to be the new whatever, and she's ready to fight for the coveted position.
Who is Saraya-Jade Bevis? Why, she's better known by her wrestling moniker, Paige. She's a lady-wrestler, and she's very good at being a lady-wrestler, one of the best lady-wrestlers out there, as a matter of fact. She's not very good at acting, which is fine, because her role in Santa's Little Helper doesn't really require her to do any of that acting stuff. Saraya-Jade Bevis challenges Miz to a race through some bullshit arboreal obstacle course, and she wins because she's a cheating bitch, and I don't care.
Miz steals some magic bell from Santa and uses it to summon that dirty motherfucker who sent him up the river when he was a wee one, pointing him out to some random cops and telling them that this dickhead stole fizzy lifting drinks, so they drag him off to the pokey to do the hokey-pokey and turn himself around, because that's what it's all about. Then Santa shows up and winks at Miz, who yells at a bunch of people for twenty minutes, coercing them to help him stop the bulldozers from leveling the community center and saving Christmas for a bunch of dumb kids who love to paint stupid pictures of fruit after school.
Santa then tells Saraya-Jade Bevis that she can't be the new "Ho-Ho-Ho" because she's a cheating bitch, and he gives the job to that elf who was dispatched to recruit Miz at the beginning of the movie, because this was all some sort of ridiculous test, and Miz was just a pawn in Santa's greater game.
This movie is dumb and lazy and I hate it. I hate it so much I want to crack open my own skull and scoop out portions of my brain with a fucking melon-baller until I find the piece of grey matter that contains the memories of my watching Santa's Little Helper, then I want to sauté that little morsel and eat it like a big, strong man and forget I ever saw this pathetic excuse for a movie. There's no excuse for something like this to happen. Nobody put any effort into this garbage. Nobody cared. They just jerked off in front of a digital camera for a few weeks and called it good. I'm so despondent right now. Is this rock bottom?
 |
| No, this is Rock Bottom. |
I've got four more days of this ahead of me. Four more days...
VERDICT: EEEEEHHHHH...
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