SNOW BRIDE
A tabloid reporter spends a week with a political family and falls for one of their sons.
After spending a few days in the deep end of the sleaze pool known as Lifetime, today I decided to jump back into the shallower, more family-friendly waters of my beloved Hallmark Channel to catch a movie called Snow Bride, starring that delightful lady, Katrina Law.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit something to all of you nonexistent readers. I kinda sorta briefly met Katrina Law earlier this year at a local convention, and she smiled at me and said she was pleased to meet me before I shook her hand and told her how much I enjoyed her work on Arrow, and it all lasted maybe thirty seconds, so I think that means we're best friends now. As such, it's difficult to be impartial regarding her work in film and television, because I don't want to say anything potentially offensive about my new BFF and her career.
Having said that, Snow Bride is fucking amazing. My girl Kat plays Dana Barron's best friend, which is amazing because Dana Barron is also amazing, and Dana Barron's getting married and Kat's her maid of honor and it's all very exciting, but that's not really the actual main plot of the film, much to my dismay. No, Kat may be Dana Barron's best pal, but she's also an employee at TMZ, except the producer's couldn't call it TMZ, because TMZ wouldn't like that, so it's called something dumb like Star Pulse instead. She is one of their star reporters, even though I think there are only two reporters on staff, including that mousy little douche bag Tom Lenk, that guy who always plays the exact same high-voiced, awkward nerd supporting character in every single project you've ever seen, only this time he has a ridiculous fake moustache. It looks fake, anyway. Even if he were somehow able to actually grow this particular moustache, it wouldn't look real, because you'd never look at this little man-child and expect he could ever grow realistic facial hair.
It may have become abundantly obvious by now, but I don't like Tom Lenk. He has absolutely no range, and the one character he can actually play well (that character being "Tom Lenk") is absurd and grating. But the geeks love him because they think he's one of their own, and he stammered his way through a big story arc on Buffy The Vampire Slayer back in the day, so these people are doomed to love him forever, because they can never move on.
Moving on, Kat's boss at Solar Jizz wants to send her away to try and dig up some dirt on a reclusive and prominent political family as they spend their Christmas vacation at their palatial mountain estate. She's given this news mere moments after she picks up her best pal Dana Barron's hideous wedding dress from the dry cleaners, and instead of dropping the dress off and heading off to the mountains after packing a suitcase filled with climate-appropriate clothing, she just gets in her car and drives up a fucking mountain like a crazy person in her gym clothes, consisting of a tank top and shorts, and reaches peak crisis mode when her car breaks down in a snow storm outside of the prestigious and isolated Tannanhannenbelen estate.
On the verge of freezing to death, Kat breaks out the super-clean wedding dress in her trunk to keep warm, and staggers through the snow before passing out in the dreamy arms of golden boy Benjamin Tannanhannelballer, who was luckily outside chopping wood like a real manly man when she stumbled out of the snowy woods in her borrowed wedding dress--
Snow Bride. I get it.
Some pretty wacky stuff happens next, you guys, so brace yourselves. Kat wakes up in Ben's cozy cabin and makes up some bullshit story about being a runaway bride who got lost on a fucking mountain, Ben introduces her to his doting mother, Maggie Trannenbennenheller, delightfully portrayed by former Home Improvement star Patricia Richardson, and his younger brother Jared Tornenbornenholler, played emptily by Bobby Campo. Old Jared has a surprise for the family, that surprise being his new girlfriend Klaire Sinclaire, played bitchily by Susie Abromet, who also happens to be Ben's ex-girlfriend, and the girl who tried to break up Maggie's marriage several years back by unsuccessfully attempting to seduce her late husband, a former senator. On top of all that, Susie has also been selling juicy gossip about the family on the sly to Kat's employer at Star Fuckers Quarterly for a while now, so she's just a completely worthless gold digger of a woman who will do seemingly anything to fuck her way into fame.
Confronted by his nefarious ex, Benjamin Tellerbellerfeller panics and introduces Kat as his new girlfriend, and they agree to keep up the charade over the holidays to keep up appearances and avoid any unpleasantness. Kat obviously falls in love with Benny and his wonderful family, including the loyal butler Jeeves, who has secretly wanted to pound patriarch Maggie's mound since they were both teenagers back in the day, but refuses to move in now that daddy Tollenmollenswollen has kicked the bucket, because he doesn't want to betray the memory of the man who treated him like an indentured servant brother. Deciding to be a better version of herself, Kat decides not to pursue a story with the family, and even sends off one of Ben's unpublished manuscripts to a publisher friend to see if he'd be interested in making the man's dreams of becoming the next Dean Koontz a horrifying reality.
Then Tom Lenk shows up with his goddamned moustache and ruins everything by teaming up with Susie to fuck over my girl Kat and shatter her dreams of becoming Mrs. Benjamin Tallywackerbuddy by forcing her to come clean about her original purpose for coming up the mountain in the first place. Things get awkward, Kat goes back to Los Angeles to finally deliver Dana Barron's dress, and she gets fired from her position at Celebrity UpSkirts Weekly for refusing to make up some garbage story about the late senator Tennenbooferhickey sleeping with Susie before he died of rickets in a cheap motel, and that's just so sad.
On the bright side, Jared finally realized what an immoral monster he was dating and kicked her to the curb, allowing him to reconcile with his beloved brother and mother, and they decide to give Kat a wonderful Christmas present by buying Famous People Lickers magazine, firing the staff of vultures (including that smarmy rat Tom Lenk), and rehiring Kat to take the periodical in a bold new direction of journalistic integrity that will surely torpedo the company and insure bankruptcy within a year. Then Kat and Ben Taffypullerperson suck face under some mistletoe and the movie ends.
Snow Bride is good. I was truly, pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie, having been pushed around by the last few things I watched this week. It was nice to see Katrina Law throwing herself into a movie that was actually good for a change, after the execrable 12 Gifts Of Christmas, where she was dragged down by a terrible story and supporting cast. She actually showcases some surprisingly sharp comic timing in this movie, elevating more than a few "merely okay" moments with a goofy smile or wide-eyed double-take. Having seen her primarily in more serious-minded projects like Arrow or the Spartacus series, I didn't expect her to be so naturally funny here, and now I just want to see her star in a string of ridiculous romantic comedies because that sounds like an excellent idea to me right here and now.
What else is there to say? I liked seeing Patricia Richardson pop up again, having not seen her since her Home Improvement days, although a quick glance at her IMDB page tells me that she's worked pretty steadily since that series ended in 1999. She effortlessly plays a clever, sassy and protective momma bear in Snow Bride, and that's just great. I forgot that she could actually act after seeing her feign tired exasperation at Tim Allen's caveman antics for 8 years on TV, and this supporting turn was a fine reminder that Richardson is a real talent when she's showcased properly.
Before I wrap this up, I find myself in something of a pickle. You see, there's a short sequence in the film where Susie enters a local bakery and buys a gingerbread house she sees on display in the main window. The baker eventually sells Susie the gingerbread house under protest, and that's the end of that. But the baker in the scene looks exactly like actor Tony Genaro, that loveable guy who played Miguel in the modern classic horror-comedy Tremors, but his final acting credit according to IMDB was 2011's Coming & Going, the actor having died in 2014.
But Snow Bride was made and released in 2013, so he obviously could have played this miniscule part in the film, and he's listed in the movie's cast as "The Baker" on TV.com, so it has to be him. And if so, then why would his final performance not be recognized on IMDB? Was his performance uncredited? Was he ashamed of his work in Snow Bride? We may never know. Hey did you hear that Tremors might be coming back to TV with Kevin Bacon starring? That's exciting, right?
VERDICT: GOOD TIMES
After spending a few days in the deep end of the sleaze pool known as Lifetime, today I decided to jump back into the shallower, more family-friendly waters of my beloved Hallmark Channel to catch a movie called Snow Bride, starring that delightful lady, Katrina Law.
In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit something to all of you nonexistent readers. I kinda sorta briefly met Katrina Law earlier this year at a local convention, and she smiled at me and said she was pleased to meet me before I shook her hand and told her how much I enjoyed her work on Arrow, and it all lasted maybe thirty seconds, so I think that means we're best friends now. As such, it's difficult to be impartial regarding her work in film and television, because I don't want to say anything potentially offensive about my new BFF and her career.
Having said that, Snow Bride is fucking amazing. My girl Kat plays Dana Barron's best friend, which is amazing because Dana Barron is also amazing, and Dana Barron's getting married and Kat's her maid of honor and it's all very exciting, but that's not really the actual main plot of the film, much to my dismay. No, Kat may be Dana Barron's best pal, but she's also an employee at TMZ, except the producer's couldn't call it TMZ, because TMZ wouldn't like that, so it's called something dumb like Star Pulse instead. She is one of their star reporters, even though I think there are only two reporters on staff, including that mousy little douche bag Tom Lenk, that guy who always plays the exact same high-voiced, awkward nerd supporting character in every single project you've ever seen, only this time he has a ridiculous fake moustache. It looks fake, anyway. Even if he were somehow able to actually grow this particular moustache, it wouldn't look real, because you'd never look at this little man-child and expect he could ever grow realistic facial hair.
It may have become abundantly obvious by now, but I don't like Tom Lenk. He has absolutely no range, and the one character he can actually play well (that character being "Tom Lenk") is absurd and grating. But the geeks love him because they think he's one of their own, and he stammered his way through a big story arc on Buffy The Vampire Slayer back in the day, so these people are doomed to love him forever, because they can never move on.
Moving on, Kat's boss at Solar Jizz wants to send her away to try and dig up some dirt on a reclusive and prominent political family as they spend their Christmas vacation at their palatial mountain estate. She's given this news mere moments after she picks up her best pal Dana Barron's hideous wedding dress from the dry cleaners, and instead of dropping the dress off and heading off to the mountains after packing a suitcase filled with climate-appropriate clothing, she just gets in her car and drives up a fucking mountain like a crazy person in her gym clothes, consisting of a tank top and shorts, and reaches peak crisis mode when her car breaks down in a snow storm outside of the prestigious and isolated Tannanhannenbelen estate.
On the verge of freezing to death, Kat breaks out the super-clean wedding dress in her trunk to keep warm, and staggers through the snow before passing out in the dreamy arms of golden boy Benjamin Tannanhannelballer, who was luckily outside chopping wood like a real manly man when she stumbled out of the snowy woods in her borrowed wedding dress--
Snow Bride. I get it.
Some pretty wacky stuff happens next, you guys, so brace yourselves. Kat wakes up in Ben's cozy cabin and makes up some bullshit story about being a runaway bride who got lost on a fucking mountain, Ben introduces her to his doting mother, Maggie Trannenbennenheller, delightfully portrayed by former Home Improvement star Patricia Richardson, and his younger brother Jared Tornenbornenholler, played emptily by Bobby Campo. Old Jared has a surprise for the family, that surprise being his new girlfriend Klaire Sinclaire, played bitchily by Susie Abromet, who also happens to be Ben's ex-girlfriend, and the girl who tried to break up Maggie's marriage several years back by unsuccessfully attempting to seduce her late husband, a former senator. On top of all that, Susie has also been selling juicy gossip about the family on the sly to Kat's employer at Star Fuckers Quarterly for a while now, so she's just a completely worthless gold digger of a woman who will do seemingly anything to fuck her way into fame.
Confronted by his nefarious ex, Benjamin Tellerbellerfeller panics and introduces Kat as his new girlfriend, and they agree to keep up the charade over the holidays to keep up appearances and avoid any unpleasantness. Kat obviously falls in love with Benny and his wonderful family, including the loyal butler Jeeves, who has secretly wanted to pound patriarch Maggie's mound since they were both teenagers back in the day, but refuses to move in now that daddy Tollenmollenswollen has kicked the bucket, because he doesn't want to betray the memory of the man who treated him like a
Then Tom Lenk shows up with his goddamned moustache and ruins everything by teaming up with Susie to fuck over my girl Kat and shatter her dreams of becoming Mrs. Benjamin Tallywackerbuddy by forcing her to come clean about her original purpose for coming up the mountain in the first place. Things get awkward, Kat goes back to Los Angeles to finally deliver Dana Barron's dress, and she gets fired from her position at Celebrity UpSkirts Weekly for refusing to make up some garbage story about the late senator Tennenbooferhickey sleeping with Susie before he died of rickets in a cheap motel, and that's just so sad.
On the bright side, Jared finally realized what an immoral monster he was dating and kicked her to the curb, allowing him to reconcile with his beloved brother and mother, and they decide to give Kat a wonderful Christmas present by buying Famous People Lickers magazine, firing the staff of vultures (including that smarmy rat Tom Lenk), and rehiring Kat to take the periodical in a bold new direction of journalistic integrity that will surely torpedo the company and insure bankruptcy within a year. Then Kat and Ben Taffypullerperson suck face under some mistletoe and the movie ends.
Snow Bride is good. I was truly, pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie, having been pushed around by the last few things I watched this week. It was nice to see Katrina Law throwing herself into a movie that was actually good for a change, after the execrable 12 Gifts Of Christmas, where she was dragged down by a terrible story and supporting cast. She actually showcases some surprisingly sharp comic timing in this movie, elevating more than a few "merely okay" moments with a goofy smile or wide-eyed double-take. Having seen her primarily in more serious-minded projects like Arrow or the Spartacus series, I didn't expect her to be so naturally funny here, and now I just want to see her star in a string of ridiculous romantic comedies because that sounds like an excellent idea to me right here and now.
What else is there to say? I liked seeing Patricia Richardson pop up again, having not seen her since her Home Improvement days, although a quick glance at her IMDB page tells me that she's worked pretty steadily since that series ended in 1999. She effortlessly plays a clever, sassy and protective momma bear in Snow Bride, and that's just great. I forgot that she could actually act after seeing her feign tired exasperation at Tim Allen's caveman antics for 8 years on TV, and this supporting turn was a fine reminder that Richardson is a real talent when she's showcased properly.
Before I wrap this up, I find myself in something of a pickle. You see, there's a short sequence in the film where Susie enters a local bakery and buys a gingerbread house she sees on display in the main window. The baker eventually sells Susie the gingerbread house under protest, and that's the end of that. But the baker in the scene looks exactly like actor Tony Genaro, that loveable guy who played Miguel in the modern classic horror-comedy Tremors, but his final acting credit according to IMDB was 2011's Coming & Going, the actor having died in 2014.
But Snow Bride was made and released in 2013, so he obviously could have played this miniscule part in the film, and he's listed in the movie's cast as "The Baker" on TV.com, so it has to be him. And if so, then why would his final performance not be recognized on IMDB? Was his performance uncredited? Was he ashamed of his work in Snow Bride? We may never know. Hey did you hear that Tremors might be coming back to TV with Kevin Bacon starring? That's exciting, right?
VERDICT: GOOD TIMES
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