THREE WISE WOMEN
Accompanied by her guardian angel, an engaged doctor visits the past and meets her one true love.
Some old lady in the future lives in a renovated Egyptian tomb surrounded by holograms and flying cars, and I guess she's alone and miserable because she caught her father having an affair, then caught her boyfriend having an affair, then got hit by a car and wound up in the hospital one truly awful Christmas Eve when she was a teenager. Seriously, that's one for the books.
Before she decided to play chicken with a Volvo, the young lady made a solemn vow by a water fountain that she would never love again, so her guardian angel, some lazy prick named Tom, just fucked off to enjoy an extended vacation in Fiji. One day, head angel Gimli tracks down Tom and tells him to get back to work, because now the little girl (Ellie) is a workaholic adult engaged to a man she doesn't love and this is literally the worst possible thing that has ever happened to anybody in the history of the human race, and Gimli just won't stand for it.
This is the shit guardian angels do? Oh no, she's not perfectly content with every single aspect of her life, so she requires divine intervention? Don't these winged motherfuckers have bigger problems to worry about? Why didn't Tom prevent Ellie from meeting a speeding car face-first instead of worrying about her damned love life?
Oh, it's because she broke the cardinal rule of angels: don't make an emotional vow never to love again in front of a water fountain. After she made this (perfectly justifiable at the time) declaration during a moment of supreme emotional stress, old Tom's tiny, doll-like hands were tied, and Ellie was on her own.
Because apparently all those dumbass scientists are wrong: mathematics is not the universal language. Spoiler alert: it's love! It's been love all along! The square root of human existence is love!
But fifteen years after leaving her high and dry, Gimli tells Tom to get off his lazy ass and find a way to make Ellie happy again before Christmas, otherwise he's gonna be in big trouble with the Big Cheese.
So Tom kidnaps the past and future versions of Ellie and brings them into the present... to use them to convince Ellie that she's not happy and needs to dump her loveless empty suit of a fiancé for that guy she kinda liked back in high school who now works as a construction foreman or maybe an architect who moonlights as a construction foreman because that's how he gets his after hours jollies. And also reconcile with her estranged father. And also invent a miracle serum that will repair any spinal injury.
Did I mention this all takes place in Ireland? Because this all takes place in Ireland. At least I think it takes place in Ireland. Everybody's speaking in an Irish accent. It could be a Scottish accent. Hell, they could all be Australian. How the fuck should I know? They're all foreign and white, which is the important thing to remember.
And did I also mention that this movie is ninety minutes of insipid, dull garbage? It's just the most poorly conceived fucking Christmas movie I've ever seen. I didn't give a shit about any of these characters, and by the end of the movie I was actively rooting for them to all die alone and miserable, especially that skeevy little asshole Tom. He's just the worst guardian angel.
And did I also mention that this movie is ninety minutes of insipid, dull garbage? It's just the most poorly conceived fucking Christmas movie I've ever seen. I didn't give a shit about any of these characters, and by the end of the movie I was actively rooting for them to all die alone and miserable, especially that skeevy little asshole Tom. He's just the worst guardian angel.
And his plan sucks. He pulls past and future versions of Ellie out of their respective timelines in order to convince this woman to not marry the wrong man? That measure seems a bit drastic considering the situation. Could he really not think of a plan that didn't involve angelfucking the space-time continuum? Time travel was his first, last and only plan. There had to be at least a dozen less complicated and potentially cosmos-threatening ideas to get this one woman's life back on track, ideas that didn't involve her future and past selves in absolutely any way.
This stupid prick breaks at least four or five of angel Gimli's rules in his attempt to save Ellie from a slightly less fulfilling life, and at the end Gimli just shrugs and lets it all slide because he "got the job done". That's absolute balderdash, and I refuse to accept it. This Tom fellow has got to be one of the most incompetent angels I've ever encountered in fiction, and that's just fucking pathetic. How did he ever get the job of guardian angel when he clearly has no idea what he's doing and in the end only succeeded through sheer luck?
What an asshole.
This stupid prick breaks at least four or five of angel Gimli's rules in his attempt to save Ellie from a slightly less fulfilling life, and at the end Gimli just shrugs and lets it all slide because he "got the job done". That's absolute balderdash, and I refuse to accept it. This Tom fellow has got to be one of the most incompetent angels I've ever encountered in fiction, and that's just fucking pathetic. How did he ever get the job of guardian angel when he clearly has no idea what he's doing and in the end only succeeded through sheer luck?
What an asshole.
This whole movie is so wrongheaded I just don't understand it. I'm left only with the sad realization that I've truly wasted a small chunk of my precious time, and I know I can never get it back. Three Wise Women actually made me hate Christmas a little. It stole a small part of my holiday spirit, and I'm afraid it may be gone for good. I've been wronged!
VERDICT: FUCK
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