Twelve Days Of Schlock-Mas: Day Ten

LUCKY CHRISTMAS

 

A woman must retrieve her winning lottery ticket from the glove compartment of her stolen car. 

 

Nomi Malone has moved on from her days of fancy Versace dresses, drug-fueled sex parties and obsessive dreams of Las Vegas stardom, changing her name and living in a small town with her young son Billy, eking out a meager living as a restaurant hostess (the name of the place is "Restaurant and Bar. Seriously) while she works toward her goal of opening her very own cafe, because she claims she's an excellent cook. She also seems to be slowly transforming into the alien from Species, so at least she has a hobby. 

In the meantime, she takes advantage of her elderly landlords, manipulating them into raising her ungrateful child and constantly making up new excuses for why she can't ever afford to pay the rent. Nomi keeps telling everybody she's struggling so hard to make ends meet, but this is the most family-friendly, easy peasy version of "struggling" I've ever seen.

Anyhoo, one festive December morning, Nomi buys a lottery ticket from the creepy clerk at the gas station who totally wants to jam her, and she uses his infatuation to constantly scam free gasoline from this oily pervert because she's still the same horrible person she's always been and growing older hasn't changed her in the least. She puts the lottery ticket in her car and forgets about it, just like she forgets about her son for most of the movie.
 

I'll bet it's Kyle Maclachlan's kid, and he pays a shitload of child support every month, but she probably spends all the money on those ridiculous pop culture-related commemerative plates you see all the time on home shopping channels. Then every time she feels a hissy fit coming on, she locks herself in the attic of her building and breaks all of the plates. 

We're then introduced to a pair of degenerate construction workers who burn down their construction site while setting fire to a bunch of crap that belonged to their ex-girlfriends. They don't get arrested for this, or even fired from their job, because their boss is related to one of them (it doesn't matter which) and this movie takes place in a fantasy world. 

One of the degenerates (the skinny one) takes too many borrowed prescription pain killers and chases them with thirty beers, then has a mental breakdown at the local watering hole, and his fat degenerate friend "borrows" a car from the parking lot to drive his pal home. 

You see, Nomi was spending her evening in the very same bar, hitting on middle-aged drunken patrons, trying to find a new sugar daddy for the week. She left her keys in her car because she's an idiot, and the degenerates, being drunken idiots, just took off in it. 

And Nomi has just learned that she bought a winning lottery ticket with a jackpot of over a million dollars, more than enough to realize her dream of staging a Broadway revival of her show Goddess opening a small cafe that will attract no business and close within a year! And she left the lottery ticket in her car. Which was just stolen. Oh. No. 

I believe the kids call what ensues "hijinks".
 

The fat degenerate drops off the car on a random street corner, calling in an anonymous tip to the police after Nomi goes public with the news that her winning lottery ticket was in the glove compartment of her stolen car. He pockets the ticket and convinces the skinny degenerate to use his sweaty charms to seduce Nomi, tricking her into giving him a "finder's fee" for "discovering" the ticket, so that they can buy a giant fucking television for their bachelor pad, I guess. I wasn't really paying attention at this point, and I'm on a lot of Ny-Quil, so all the details are a little fuzzy in my head. 

Skinny makes fast friends with Nomi's spawn via their mutual love of hockey, and Nomi immediately wants to jump his bones when she sees how well he gets along with her illegitimate child. 

Skinny feels bad when he learns that Nomi is "struggling" and wants to come clean about the whole lottery ticket fiasco, but the fat one threatens to eat him if he blabs, so he clams up, which is a little awkward because Skinny used to watch Nomi strip at the Cheetah Club back in Vegas, and he fell in love with her when he saw how well she could polish a brass pole without using her hands. Now all those buried feelings are coming back, and he knows that if she finds out he's a scumbag who stole her lottery ticket she'll probably never suck his dick. 

Skinny agrees to help Nomi's son Billy build a Pinewood Derby car for the big race down at Devil's Canyon, because I guess Kyle Maclachlan stopped answering his phone, and Nomi cooks him some weird dish named after one of those Klingons on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not Worf, that's too easy. Gowron, maybe? Whatever, the point is Gowron was delicious. 

Some more shit happens, the Batmobile shows up, a few montages pass, and I think I saw a UFO in the background of one scene. It might have been swamp gas, but I'm pretty sure it was a UFO. Don't quote me on that, though. These feebs didn't add it in post-production, they don't have the money for that shit. So fucking aliens photo bombed this movie. Maybe. 

Skinny mails the lottery ticket back to Nomi and invites her over to his place, where he microwaves some pizza rolls and breaks out his expensive boxed wine to impress her, but she finds one of her mix CDs hidden in his fat roommate's Hall & Oates collection, and all hell breaks loose.
 

Okay, so she slightly raised her voice and stormed out before Skinny could smooth things over, and she didn't even call the cops or anything, but it was all pretty fucking tense, let me tell you. 

Billy runs away from home to go hang out with Skinny and they win the big Pinewood Derby race down at Satan's Ring Finger, and apparently Skinny's also an eco-friendly architect who saves his family business with his elite architecting skills, and I swear I heard an absolutely atrocious cover of "Johnny B Goode" that replaced the name Johnny with the name Santa, and at this point in the film I just started screaming and didn't stop until I lost my voice. 

So Nomi's not happy with Skinny because she still can't find the lottery ticket, thinking it got lost in the mail, but she finds it stuck to the bottom of one of Billy's rain boots, because he stepped in dog shit a few days earlier while fetching the daily mail, and because he's so fucking stupid he never noticed that he had a shit-covered envelope stuck to his fucking boot, he just shoved it into his closet and forgot about it until Nomi had a heart-to-heart with the boy and noticed a rancid smell emanating from within the dark recesses of his closet. 

Holy shit, that was a really long run-on sentence. 

Having found the ticket, Billy convinces his mother that Skinny may be a scumbag, but she'll literally never do better than him because she's also a scumbag, and so she decides to take him back. The fat one dresses up as Santa Claus and covers Nomi's house with a shitload of stolen Christmas lights, which fills everybody with joy, Nomi tracks Skinny down to the hockey rink where he's drowning his sorrows in pucks, and they all rush down to City Hall or the lottery office or wherever to cash in that fucking ticket and make their dreams come true. 

At this point the movie just ends, so I like to pretend that the lottery office was closed and they missed their one and only chance to cash in the ticket, and everybody became filled with resentment and nobody had a happy Christmas. It doesn't matter, anyway. None of this matters.

I'm not even sure if this movie is real. I may have just imagined the whole damned thing due to my head cold and the delicious medicine I'm using to relieve my symptoms. I'm not entirely convinced that Lucky Christmas is a real movie title, or that Elizabeth Berkley isn't just haunting me in my drug-induced stupor. I probably just spent two hours this morning staring at my slowly rotating Christmas tree, transfixed by the pretty lights while hallucinating a holiday-themed, family-friendly sequel to Showgirls that nobody would ever be insane enough to actually create. Whatever the fuck I may or may not have watched, I didn't like it and just want to move on with my life.

VERDICT: I'M SO, SO SORRY