Twelve Days Of Schlock-Mas: Day Nine

NORTHPOLE

 

Santa Claus and his wife prepare to bring joy to the world on Christmas. 

 

Northpole is Hallmark Channel's big movie this year. You can tell by looking at all the Northpole branded products filling the shelves at their stores. And each and every one of these products is prominently featured in the movie itself. From the patented "Treeluminator" to a cookie cutter "wonder wheel", you will see the characters in Northpole happily showcasing all of these goofy looking things you've spotted while out shopping, and it's slightly insufferable.

The movie's a pretty big deal for the Hallmark Channel, and it has a pretty big budget behind it as well, at least by the network's standards, with plenty of not-terrible digital effects, not-terrible sets, and not-terrible actors. They even filmed on location in a magical place where it snows real snowflakes and not some soap and/or oil concoction that will probably give you cancer if you're exposed to it for extended periods of time. Production value!

But is all of this money and marketing in service of a not-terrible movie? Let's find out.
 

So some little kid named Billy (Billy) is having a hard time making friends at his new school in his new town, because he's a weirdo who smells like soup and the other kids don't like that. His teacher (Josh Hopkins, AKA Mr. Cougartown) is the kind of "cool" teacher who is perfectly willing to debase himself in class to endear himself to his students, cutting his own necktie into pieces to teach them about fractions, because he's just so peachy keen it makes you want to puke.

Billy's mom, Kelly Kapowski, is a big-time journalist at the local newspaper, fancying herself a modern day Woodward and/or Bernstein, looking to bust down the doors of secrecy and uncover a web of corruption and filth at City Hall. She also spends time with her son when she's not busy ignoring him. 

One day, Billy meets a crazy person named Clementine (Bailee Madison) who claims to be an elf from Northpole. Not the Northpole, but a town called Northpole, which is populated entirely by elves, and is located at the Northpole. Is it Northpole or north pole? Is North capitalized? Fuck it.

Clementine tells Billy that Northpole is in danger because not enough people down south care enough about Christmas, and this lack of holiday cheer is apparently murdering Robert Wagner, who is spending his twilight years cosplaying as Santa Claus.
 

You see, Christmas cheer travels up into the atmosphere as festive sparks which travel northward via the holiday jet stream, and these sparks coalesce into the legendary Northern Lights, which originate over Northpole. The Northern Lights then become magical snow that falls over the city, which is collected by the elves and is transformed into toys for the children of the world through some arcane means, then Robert Wagner delivers these toys on Christmas Eve because he's retired and has nothing better to do with his time.

But now that the world is filled with so many horrible people who despise the very thought of singing Christmas carols, the Northern Lights are fading and there isn't enough snow and Robert Wagner is wandering around in his pajamas, wearing a big fake beard, muttering to himself and looking quite out of sorts. So Clementine steals one of Wagner's reindeer (Randy) and tracks down little Billy, because his bulbous head somehow is the key to saving Christmas. 

There's also a subplot about a real estate developer who is trying to build condominiums at the site of the town's only park, which is also the site of their annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony. 

So Kelly Kapowski plays amateur sleuth and uncovers a conspiracy, writing a scathing article in the newspaper that nearly destroys the local government and the real estate developer's life. 

 

But as it turns out, the developer was actually intending to build the condos somewhere else, buying up the parkland to fix it all up, returning it to its original splendor, because the happiest memories of his life were made in that park, and he wanted to give something back to his beloved hometown. So Kelly Kapowski done fucked up. 
 

 

But it's all good, because the newspaper prints a retraction, the whole town turns up for the tree lighting ceremony, and this creates a firestorm of Christmas cheer that fuels the furnaces of Northpole's hellish sweatshops, giving Robert Wagner a new lease on life and saving Christmas for everybody. Even little Billy and his massive, soup-smelling head. Kelly Kapowski falls in love with Mr. Cougartown, they kiss under imaginary mistletoe, Clementine goes back to the asylum, and all is right in the world. 

 

So that's Northpole, and it's fucking weird. And it's not terrible. In fact, it's quite good, as far as these things go. The cast is committed to the material, and the story is charmingly bizarre. I liked it. I didn't want to like it, because seeing the Northpole logo branded on thousands of products everywhere I turn just kept raising my hackles, and I imagined the movie itself was just some ramshackle excuse to sell ridiculous toys for ungrateful children. But it's actually... it's actually... good. 

 

Okay? Are you happy? It's a decent movie! It tugged on my heartstrings a little! This stupid fucking movie won me over! Damn you, Bailee Madison, you precocious rapscallion! Your enthusiasm is infectious and I'm actually looking forward to seeing the already-announced sequel next Christmas! 

 

Stupid charming movie, giving me a warm feeling inside and making me care about things. I hate you. 

 

VERDICT: CHRISTMAS